A/N: Heed the warnings in the description. Please.
The title is a song by Tokio Hotel.
It's hard losing someone you love. It's hard waking up in the morning and remembering that it's not just a really terrible nightmare. You cannot call them and tell them that you dreamt they were dead- because, against all hopes and desperate desire- they are. Waking up in the morning and reminding yourself that they would want you to go on without them- and you do, for merely that reason. When someone you love dies, taking all that you have left, there is something within you that dies with them. Maybe all of you. Maybe you are merely a shell, without a soul and without a heart.
When you give someone yourself and they leave this world of their own volition, you feel betrayal. You feel like they didn't care enough to stick around, like maybe they just didn't love you as much as you thought. Deep down, you know this isn't true. Deep down, you know it's just an insidious lie that you're telling yourself to keep your limbs moving. Deep down, all of this is so apparent. But, your subconscious clings to this lie like it's your only hope- mostly because, without that lie, you would cease to have the will to keep moving through life. They were your everything, the breath in your lungs and the beating of your heart…and they left you, taking every little piece of your soul with them.
Loki stared up at the sky, watching the stars wink down at him sadly. Kayene was gone. He was lost to the world, and it kept moving on like he had never existed at all. A tear slid down his cheek, something that irritated him because emotion wasn't something a strong man showed in tears and sweat and screams into pillows- or so his father had told him a few hours ago. He had left the house and had no intention of returning anytime soon. Fuck Odin Odinson. Fuck Kayene- for leaving. And fuck the world for moving on when he just didn't know how anymore.
He stood, kicking a rock viciously. How was he supposed to deal with this? How was he supposed to be okay now? How was he supposed to face a world that hated him without the one person he truly loved on this stupid, stupid ball of dirt? And…how was he supposed to face the bruises that would come from his father's fist, how was he supposed to face the blades that called for his blood in the middle of the night, how was he supposed to deal with the idiotic bullies at school without his Kayene? That boy had been his world, his love- first love, no less- his strength and hope.
"Loki?" Thor's voice rumbled like thunder through the night. It sliced through Loki like a sharp knife. A blade. A razor that was singing to him of numbness and no pain and no emotion. "Hey, brother…" His voice was soft, like he was talking to a rabid dog. "Are you okay?"
Loki's eyes turned into orbs of fire within their sockets. "Are you kidding?" He snapped, refusing to show shame for the tears now freely streaming down his face. His hollow cheeks sucked inward even further as he dragged in a ragged, exhausted breath. He hadn't slept since…it had happened.
Loki had been robbed.
Thor looked down, chewing on his lip. "I mean, are you…can…God, Loki, I don't know what you want me to say." His voice dropped deeper- as it always did when he was upset and frustrated because Loki turned into an inconsolable ball of misery and sharp words when he was upset. For some reason, Thor had never figured out that all the sullen teenager wanted was a little silence and loneliness to deal with himself and his grief.
"I want you to say nothing. I don't want you here at all. I want to be alone!" He threw a fist into the tree trunk- the only available target other than his brother's pretty, downcast face.
Arms far more powerful than his own wrapped around him and yanked him off his feet and away from the bark he was furiously attempting to mar and injure like his own scarcely beating heart. "Stop! Jesus, Loki!" Thor sounded scared. His big, invincible brother sounded scared.
Loki beat back, throwing arms and fists and legs to get the man to let him go. He didn't. He withstood the beating, holding Loki so tight around his ribs that he almost couldn't breathe. Thor let him tire himself out, connecting several times with hard sinew and bone and flesh. Eventually, he sagged against the iron-like forearm across his chest, sobs shaking his form angrily.
He was set back on his feet, immediately falling to his knees in the dirt and grass and the luscious fall of autumn-hued leaves. "Loki, darling." He was pulled back against the chest gently, Thor's heart beating against his squished arm. "Why do you hold back until you're like this?" It had been a few days since Kayene's suicide. Loki had shed a few tears, screamed at Odin until he went hoarse, and stopped eating. He had cut more than once- open gashes hidden by his long sleeves and coats and a few thin layers of medical gauze. He had gone through five packs of cigarettes. A bottle of very strong vodka had been stolen from his father's liquor cabinet. None of it had worked. And now, with this outpouring of rage and unhinged tears and a pitiful whimper against his brother's chest, he felt the levee he had been desperately upholding, finally break within him.
Within thirty seconds, he was sobbing so hard it felt like it was breaking his ribs. Valiantly, his brother kept him gathered to his chest, his heartbeat strong and far too fast under Loki's ear. Loki couldn't breathe, he couldn't think. Why.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why had he taken his own life? Why hadn't Loki been able to help? Why hadn't the words he had desperately spoken in a breathless rush as he ran towards that god damn building worked? Why hadn't he been able to reassure him that life was worth living and that they could save each other- like they always promised they would? Why wasn't it enough?
"Why didn't I save him?" The words were cut by ragged gasps of breathe and shredded sobs. His throat felt like it had been through a wood-chipper, cut and chopped into gravel. "I tried…god damn it, I tried!" He yelled, his voice muffled by his brother's shoulder, and those warm arms gripped him ever tighter.
"You did all you could, Loki." Thor whispered, barely audible above his shuddering breathing and shaking, rattled sobbing.
"Then why wasn't it enough?" He shoved Thor back, gazing into his eyes, looking for hope and reassurance. There was nothing but tragic desire and something begging for Loki to be okay. Oh god.
"Because you aren't god! Loki, if someone wants to die, then they will. You cannot save the world, my brother. You cannot fix every broken creature you find. You are merely human. You couldn't have kept him from falling from that balcony no matter what you did if it was what he really wanted. And you know that, you're no idiot." His voice was earnest and tinged with a frantic desire to keep his brother from that very same ledge that Kayene had eventually stepped off of.
Loki stood, legs wobbly and more like noodles than bone and muscle. "He was the love of my life, Thor! I should've been able to keep him off that god damn concrete! I saw him fall! I was fucking there! I should have done more! I told him I loved him, but he still jumped! Why?" He shook his head, turning to scream animalistically at the sky. "I don't believe in you!" He picked up a rock and threw it at the imagined being in the sky. "I hate you! You let him do it!" He kept throwing whatever debris he could find, throwing them at god and missing the mark every time.
"Loki, Loki…Loki, stop." Thor touched his shoulder, making him flinch like he'd been struck. "Loki, calm down. Please, brother." He moved to take matters into his own hands- quite literally- again, but Loki stepped backwards. "Stop." Thor's eyes were dark, a midnight blue that swirled with intensity and command.
"You aren't my father." He snapped, all the emotional chords within him snapping in two simultaneously. Thor frowned.
"No, precisely. I'm not. And I give a shit about you. Just like you gave a shit about Kayene. Are you going to put me through this, Loki? Are you going to hurt me like he hurt you? Because, I can't take that." He snarled, up in Loki's face, eye-to-eye.
Loki growled. "Yet everyone expects me to. Like I'm so fucking strong." He laughed bitterly- the only way he would ever laugh again. "You want me to be superhuman, then tell me I'm just a mortal. Fuck you." His voice was wet with tears and liquid with the blood he had snatched from his lips with sharp teeth.
"I want you to let go, Loki! You have to let all of this inside of you, out, or you're going to be the same way he was! I can't lose you, brother! You're all I have!" Thor yelled back, getting angry.
Loki shoved him back. "That's bullshit and you know it. You have everyone on your side. Odin loves you. Frigga. Steve. All those morons at your school. You're the god damn quarterback, Thor. Everyone fucking loves you!" He shoved him back again, hands bunching in his shirt. "You have everything I never could. You have approval and love and praise. All I ever had was Kayene. And now he's gone. So what reason could I possibly have for staying here? Huh? Tell me that, oh mighty big brother." He snarled viciously, eyes wide with illogical, misdirected fury.
Thor looked at him, head cocked and eyes glassy with tears. His hands were locked around Loki's wrists, his back now to the tree that Loki had previously tried to take his rage out on. "Me." His voice was soft.
Loki stared at him for a moment. Thor. Thor. Fucking Thor. He stumbled back with a soft cry, falling to sit on the ground again. Arms wrapped around him again, petting his hair softly. "It's going to be okay one of these days, brother. I promise you that." He pulled him into his lap, his warmth and dirty smell- thanks to his football practice- enveloping Loki in familiarity and comfort.
"No, it won't. I'll never be happy, Thor." The defeat in his voice struggled past broken vocal chords and clogged tears. "I love you." He wrapped his arms around Thor's neck weakly, pushing his tear-streaked face against a dirty t-shirt.
"I love you too, brother."
A/N: So...Sorry. Review?
If anyone has dealt with anything like this, please, please, please, don't hesitate to PM me. I'm always happy to listen if you need to vent or cry or just talk.
I love you guys.
~xoxox, Rayn.