A/N: This is complete and total Crack. Any attempts to take it seriously will be met with loud laughter. Also for readers from the future this was written between episodes 8 and 9, if this is what actually happened then, yes, I do have psychic powers. Spoilers for episode 8 within, you have been warned.

Anything I want?

Or

How Puella Magi Madoka Magica is Totally Gonna End

"So I can have anything I want?"

Kyubey's tail swished back and forth, the only movement the...cat-rabbit-squirril-hellbeast combo ever made when sitting. "I told you," His voice rang out in Madoka's mind because Kyubey couldn't be bothered to use his mouth's muscles, "a magical girl of your potential can have anything you want."

Madoka thought for a moment, "Anything I want?"

"Yes, how many times do I have to say it?" His tail swished harder, Madoka assumed out of annoyance.

"I wish for..." She paused before finishing, "a thousand more wishes!"

Kyubey's tail stopped. "You want what?"

"A thousand more wishes, I want you to grant me one thousand more wishes, you said you would give me anything I want."

"Ah... Madoka don't you want to fix Sayaka or get a cake or something else?"

"I do. I want all of those things," She unfurled a giant roll of paper which she had been storing behind her back. "I decided that I have a lot of wishes."

"..." Kyubey was uncharacteristically silent.

"I promise I'll be the bestest magical girl ever?" Madoka added for good measure.

"Fine," Kyubey waved his ears around. "There, now you have one thousand wishes to do whatever you like with."

"Yay~" Madoka clapped her hands, nearly dropping her list in the process. "Hmm, okay," She scanned her list. "I wish for..."

Kyubey twitched in anticipation.

"A pony."

"... Fine." Kyubey waggled his ears and a handsome speckled pony popped into existence.

Madoka rubbed her chin, "Actually I want a pink pony."

"Okay," Kyubey waved his ears again and a pink pony popped up beside the speckled one.

"Hmm," Madoka looked displeased. "Actually I want a Unicorn."

"Sure."

"A pink Unicorn."

This was going to take a while.

Eight hours later found Madoka seated upon a majestic Pink Unicorn with a glimmering rainbow horn that only ate cake and shat giant sprinkles. Beside her was a gigantic cake (that would never spoil, of course) topped with a laser light show and actual fireworks. Beside that were three other giant cakes because she couldn't decide if she wanted chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry and, in the end, decided to just go with a triple layered cake.

On her other side was a giant pile of gold that was really just for show because Madoka, like any smart little girl, had actually wished for a giant lump of money to be placed into her bank account. In addition to the money and the cake and the ponies Madoka had also wished for an entire set of inane things, including a full set of magical girl costumes (one for every day of the week), an effective stain remover, lilac scented candles, the internet, a hundred gumballs, a vacuum that would never lose suction, peace in the Middle East, free cable TV, the actual locations of Carmen Sandiego and Waldo, and a cute little hat.

Behind all of Madoka's stuff Kyoko was eating her way through several dozen barrels of apples, all from the new apple farm Madoka had wished for her. Sayaka stood beside her, looking very confused about not being a crazy witch anymore and also about having her soul very securely within her body again. Homura was also there looking, as usual, disinterested.

Kyubey still sat patiently in front of Madoka, though his fur was now a completely different color because Madoka thought he'd look better in a nice shade of lavender. "What's next?"

"Oo," Madoka looked over her, now significantly shorter, list. "Let's see... oh! I want Mami to be alive again!"

Kyubey waggled his ears, "okay there you go."

Mami popped back into the world looking very, very, very puzzled. "Oh my I seem to be back."

"That doesn't even make sense," Sayaka pointed out, "I mean, wasn't her soul destroyed?"

"I don't see you -munch munch- complaining-munch- Miss Corrupted Soul," Kyoko said between bites of apple. "Kyubey super gluing her soul back together is about as logical as him Windexing yours."

"So Kyubey can ever bring back people who got eaten? What else can he do?"

"If he's so powerful why doesn't he just pop the witches out of existence?"

"That's a good point."

Homura sighed and shook her head. "Why did you two wait until now to start asking questions?"

"Okay, now I want there to be no more witches," Madoka wished.

Kyubey flicked his tail, "Okay fine, here you go." And then there were no witches.

"Hurrah, and I want all the current Magical Girls to get their souls put back into their bodies."

Kyubey grumbled something about rebuilding his empire but complied, waggling his ears. "Okay you have five wishes left. Just make them all at once."

"Okay!" Madoka took a deep breath and, in a single breath shouted, "I want... new socks a puppy Homura's panties Kyubey and all of his bodies to stop existing and a cookie."

Kyubey wiggled his ears, "Fine you can have all of those thi- wait what was that second to last on-" Pop.

Sayaka, Kyoko, Mami and Homura stared dumbly at the spot where Kyubey had been sitting the minute before. Madoka just looked disappointed, "Aww, I really wanted that cookie."

"Seriously, that was all it took," Homura's mouth gaped open. "And now it's ove- What are those?"

Madoka hastily stuffed the thing Homura had spotted into her pocket, "Nothing at all." And then she helped Homura onto the back of her magical pink Unicorn and they galloped off into the sunrise.

And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Kyubey.

A/N: Actually if Madoka did that she'd probably forget to wish for Kyubey to go away and wish for everyone to always smile or something (which would totally result in Botox injections for everyone).