Title: Ah My Martha Stewart!

Author: Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory

Rating: R

Category: Humor

Show: Rurouni Kenshin

Summary: The goddess Martha Stewart has made herself known. She has now spoken through her prophets Kenshin and Saito of the wonders of her heavenly paradise, Linens and Things. Now, the devil, Justin Timberlake, has spoken to his own prophet, Aoshi, deceiving him and trying to lead him into the fiery obis known as Pop Land. It is up to Kenshin and Saito to save Aoshi's soul from the corruption of Bubblegum music and have him see the light and joy of cooking, sewing, and other household chores, while also trying to convert the pagans Sano, Yahiko, and… for the love of cheese… the rest of the RK cast.

Disclaimer: Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory owns nothing!

Ch. 1

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*Behind scenes*

Kenshin: Crap! There's gonna be more than one?!

Aoshi: I've got an update on how many chapters there are going to be, total.

Sano: Please say two, please say two! No, wait, 1 and ¼!!

Aoshi: There are going to be *drum roll* 132 chapters.

Cast: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Saito: Let me see that script… You stupid jack ass! 132 is amazingly short serial number.

Aoshi: Oh… *looks around* Stop looking at me!!!

Sano: Good thing the author normally keeps the stories short.

Sojiro: The last fic wasn't short!! The author made me a horse in it, too!

Kenshin: Don't worry about it Sojiro. Figure it this way, unlike Shishio, you didn't have to play the role of a tea cup.

Sojiro: That's true…

Aoshi: Right. Let's just get this over with.

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The fic:

Kenshin: Hello, I am Himura, Kenshin. I am now going to tell you about what happened a long time ago, a story filled with mystery, adventure, romance, and… know what? This script is a bunch of bull shit! *tears up script* Yah, anyway, we're gonna go back a few years and tell all of you about what happened when the goddess, known as Martha Stewart, gave me and Saito bunches of directions of how to preach the truths of cooking, cleaning, sewing, ect.

Yahiko: *off set* Psst… Kenshin, shouldn't you sound a bit… happier?

Kenshin: Do you remember what she made me do?!!

Yahiko: Um… yah… that was quite unfortunate, but still…

Kenshin: She had me go and-

Yahiko: Shut up! Don't spoil it!

Kenshin: Urgh… let's get to the flash back already!

*flash back*

Kenshin: Saito, I do not wish to fight you on this splendid looking mountain top, that I don't.

Saito: I don't care where we are, I will kill you no matter what!

Voice: Stop rough housing!

Saito: What was that voice?

Kenshin: I don't know, that I don't.

Voice: Listen to me. You are the chosen ones. The prophets whom are to evangelize and spread to the peoples of all nations my words.

Kenshin: Are you… God?!

Voice: … well… no… but you should do as I say all the same!

Saito: If you are not God then… who are you?

Voice: I am the goddess known as Martha Stewart!!! You have all been plagued my the evils of Pop music! You must be turned to the light! Teach others of laundry and cooking! Spread my words and magazines to all of the peoples of every-

Saito: Nation? Yah, we got it.

Voice: Yes, go now and do my bidding. But beware of the evil Justin Timberlake who plans to spread the evils of Bubblegum music!

Kenshin: Yes, Lord Stewart!

Voice: … It's Martha Stewart you ingrate! And skip the 'Lord' part! I am to be known as Goddess, the most beautiful, her royal highness, your excellence, or something else that sounds snazzy.

Saito: What ever you say lady. Lady? Huh, she's gone.

Kenshin: So… we're prophets?

Saito: Apparently so.

*In Pop Land*

Justin: So… Martha Stewart has already spoken to her prophets, has she? Well know what? I've got my own fuckin prophet, too! Woman, get me a beer!

Britney Spears: You, like, drive me crazy! Can't you see that I'm, like, getting a manicure?

Justin: Stupid no good bitch. Alright, time to speak with MY chosen one.

*at Zen temple*

Voice: Aoshi!

Aoshi: Buddha?!

Voice: No! You stupid dumb ass! I'm the devil!

Aoshi: Buddha is the devil?

Voice: NO!!! I am NOT Buddha! I AM the devil!

Aoshi: Oh… okay.

Voice: I have chosen you to be my prophety thing. You are to go and spread to all the people in the world that pop is the one true music.

Aoshi: Devil's so vague. Can't you be more specific?

Voice: Guagh!! I'm Justin Timberlake, okay! Do as I tell you other wise I'll condemn you to a land filled with weather forecasters!

Aoshi: And what do I get if I do what you command?

Voice: I will show you the trueness of pop!

Aoshi: But I don't like pop.

Voice: … I'll get Britney to give you a lap dance.

Aoshi: Christina Agulara, too?

Voice: Sure.

Aoshi: Okay!

Voice: You, my friend, are at your first stages of Pop corruptness.

*at Kamiya dojo*

Kaoru: *bawling* Kenshin's gone missing again! KENSHIN!!!

Sano: Um… He just went out for tofu.

Yahiko: Kaoru's being a whiny bitch again.

Kaoru: You couldn't possibly know how I feel!

Sano: Ah no. Not this speech again.

Kenshin: I'm back!

Kaoru: Kenshin! You're okay and… Saito's with you…

Saito: I am simply here with the batousai in order to complete my mission.

Kenshin: Saito is here to teach you how to cook, that he is.

Kaoru: Oh my! You're bleeding Kenshin!

Kenshin: Yah… it's nothing. I'm going to go take a bath now… Saito… please carry me to the bathing room.

Saito: Huh? Oh yah. *carries Kenshin to the tub*

Sano: Ya know, taking a bath sounds like a good idea!

Yahiko: Yep. I think I'll go join Kenshin, too.

*Sano and Yahiko leave to take bath*

Yahiko: Hey Kenshin! We're going to join you. Where'd Saito go?

Kenshin: He left to go help Miss Kaoru with cooking.

Sano: Yah, well that's sure nice of AAAAHHHHH!!!!

Yahiko: What's wrong with you SanAAAAHHH!!!!

Kenshin: Is something wrong?

Sano: Kenshin! You're dick! It's-it's-

Kenshin: Hmm? Oh yah! That! The goddess known as Martha Stewart spoke to me while I was walking back here and told me that she wanted a certain sacrifice so… I chopped my cock off.

Yahiko: Ah crap! Just looking at you makes me hurt!

Kenshin: Oh yah, that happened and at first I was in total serious pain, but I got hold of Saito's cigarettes and totally stoned out, then I went and burned my dick as an offering.

Sano: Too much information!!!! Don't tell me… Saito did that too?!!

Kenshin: Nope. He was instructed to go home and kill his wife. Martha Stewart likes her prophets single!

Sano: Yah… single and VERY circumcised.

Kenshin: Um… actually, she said that she wants to try to make me in the image and likeness of woman.

Yahiko: Doesn't that mean that you'll have to chop off your balls next?

Kenshin: Yep!

Sano: I don't want to hear any more! This conversation has made lil' Willy go into a state of shock! *pats crotch* There there, I'll give you plenty of attention soon enough.

Kenshin: Anyway, I've been told to make you repent from your pagan ways. *gets in water* AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! IT HURTS!!! *jumps out of water*

Sano: It's still bleeding, too… I think I'm gonna barf.

Yahiko: I'm gonna leave now.

Sano: Me too.

Kenshin: I think I'm gonna go have Miss Megumi treat my wound.

Yahiko: Poor Miss Megumi.

Sano: I can imagine her bandaging it now… Oh the mental images! *barfs*

*Sano and Yahiko leave to watch Saito teach Kaoru how to cook*

Saito: You're an awful cook! You should be ashamed!

Kaoru: I'm sorry!

Saito: Repent, I tell you, REPENT!!! I need a cigarette… *takes out cigarette*

Kaoru: You still haven't tried my main dish! It's cooked to absolute perfection, I guarantee it!

Saito: Then why don't you try it yourself?

Kaoru: I will! *eats it and dies of food poisoning*

Saito: Well, one less problem in this far from perfect world.

Sano: You killed her! Now what are we gonna eat?!

Yahiko: First, we see Kenshin with his manhood gone, and now this.

Saito: Okay, don't even START with Kenshin! I understand looking at him in his current condition is bad enough, but you didn't have to watch it happen!

Sano: The images are flooding in again! *barfs*

Saito: That was disgusting… You're barf probably would taste better than Kamiya's cooking, but it's gross none the less.

Sano: What kind of person is this Martha Stewart woman?!

Saito: She is… THE GODDESS!!!

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*behind scenes*

Aoshi: Ha! I got practically no lines!

Sano: Oh yah? Wait till the next chapter. You're singing!

Aoshi: … Don't remind me.

Kenshin: Maybe the reviewers will have pity on us and tell the author it was awful.

Saito: That would be nice, but, sadly, the world has become a disgusting place.

Kenshin: Stupid fic… now I don't know how to pee.

Yahiko: This is cruelty!

Aoshi: I don't want to sing.

Sano: Stop thinking about yourself dammit!

Aoshi: But I don't…

Kenshin: Anyway… lets go to lunch, okay?

Sano: Food!

*cast goes to lunch*

Yep! Worst fic I've ever written! I probably just won't continue this… unless you liked it… I find that highly unlikely though.