Eren had come to the realization that there were good days, and bad days. On a good day, he was around people and could ignore it, push it to the back of his mind and pretend it didn't exist. Today was not a good day. While he was around someone, the desire was muted and he was in control. On a day like today, where everyone was too busy to be bothered with him and he was left to his own devices, he was reminded how little in control he was. Here, in his room in the basement, in the dead of night, he could no longer resist it.
It was the stupidest thing, really. Not quite a desire, not exactly a compulsion, but not something he could actually ignore. When all was said and done and things were silent, he would find himself repeating words. Not words of great importance, just mundane little things.
"Legion."
"Legion." He could no longer tell how many times he'd said the word, but he could not stop, he had to get it right. It didn't taste right in his mouth, and he had to get it right before he could stop.
"Legion."
"Legion."
"Legion." There, thank god. That was right, that one sounded right. He breathed a sigh of relief, slumping further into the wall at his back. He scrubbed his hands over his face before letting them fall lax at his sides; he knew the reprieve would not be long. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't help but go over in his mind the snippets of conversation he heard throughout the day. A new word caught his attention.
"Collaboration." Oh god, why did he always have to pick the words with the most syllables? This was going to take forever; there were too many ways to say it, too many different inflections possible.
"Collaboration." No.
"Collaboration." No.
"Collaboration." No.
"Collaboration." Fuck. No.
"Colla-Co- Collabora-" He grew more and more antsy as each attempt failed. Sometimes he got all the way through the word before he knew it was wrong, others, he could tell as soon as he'd said the first letter it wasn't going to work. He nearly vaulted off the bed, his body feeling tense and uncomfortable at each failed utterance. He took to pacing, making erratic circles in his all of the sudden too small room. He started to pant, this wasn't working, and the frustration just kept mounting.
"Collaboration." No.
"Col-Colla-Collabor-Colla-" No! It wasn't right, it was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wron- He stopped in front of his bed, falling to his knees. His hand sought out the wooden bed frame fingers trembling, before he began to tap and scratch at it, trying to find and match the rhythm of the word. Sometimes this helped; sometimes it just made it much worse. Tap tap tap scratch scratch. No the sound was wrong, the wood not making a satisfying noise. His hand moved the floor. No. The wall. No. His nails ran over the fabric of his sheets, scratching desperately. His eyes began to water, nothing was working! Why? Why!?
His nails racked over the skin of his hand franticly. Yes! There, the sound was finally right. He scratched again and again, his voice rising with each pass.
"Collaboration." No.
"Colla-Collaboration." Almost right.
"Collaboration." There! Thank fucking god! He let out a strangled laugh before looking at his mangled hand, red raised lines surrounding the few raged gouges he'd caused, blood slowly running down his fingers to drip to the floor. He let out an involuntary sob and finally the tears he'd been holding back fell. He grit his teeth and raised his unhurt hand, jamming it hard against his eyes. Why? Why the fuck did he have to do this? What was wrong with him? No one else had to deal with this shit, why was it always him? It was he that was a titan, he that couldn't even sleep due to this fucking… thing. It had never been this bad before. It was because this was really the first time that he had his own room to sleep in with no one else for company. He'd give anything to be back in the cramped dorms with Armin and everyone else, hell at this point he'd sleep next to Jean.
Without his consent, his mind reviewed the conversations yet again and chose a new word. He let out a desperate sob.
"M-Mission." God it was going to be a long night.
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He was still mumbling to himself when Hanji came to get him in the morning. It was impressive in a morbid way, his stupid mind hadn't shut up all night and as a result, he hadn't slept one damn minuet. For once, he was glad of his titan abnormality as the multiple wounds he had caused himself with his nails all over his body had faded without a trace. Good, he didn't need anyone finding out. God only knows what they do when they discovered he was not only a monster but also insane.
"Good morning Eren, did you sleep well?" He licked his lips before looking up at her and plastering a smile on his face.
"Of course. You?" As they began the walk to breakfast, Eren felt a more natural smile fall into place. He loved being around Hanji, he had yet to meet someone who could talk as much as her and there was always such a blissful lack of silence.
When they had gotten their food, she grabbed his arm, forcefully dragging him with her to the table usually reserved for higher ups. He found Mikasa and Armin in the crown and smiled sheepishly at them shrugging, there was no use fighting Hanji when she found someone willing to listen to her prattle on about her experiments.
Despite enjoying her company, lunch was an awkward affair for Eren. He felt like Levi was constantly watching him and he quickly lost his appetite. Had he finally found out something was wrong with him? He smiled weakly at Hanji when she switched topics to the estimated quantities of saliva that titans produced, his hand in his lap clenching into a fist.
"I haven't quite come up with a reasonable way to gather the information yet. The only option I can think of so far is having you transform and trying to measure it that way but how-"
"He drools enough as it is, do you really want to swim in it?" Levi cut her off, giving her a contemptuous glare. Hanji's eyes lit up and she smiled.
"Do you think that would be possible? I wonder if it would be easier or harder to swim in than water."She leaned forward in excitement, slamming her hands on the table.
"Eren! We have to test this!" Levi let out a groan, setting his fork down and rising from the table.
"You're disgusting. Eren, come with me. Now." Eren all but jumped up, following the Corporal's retreating figure. They walked for quite a while before stopping outside at the barn.
"You're going to start by cleaning out the stalls and feeding and brushing down the horses. Then I expect you take them all out and exercise them. I'll be back before dinner, be done by then."
"Yes sir!" Eren turned to find the brush and by the time he moved back around Levi was gone. Eren went to the closest horse, which happened to be Hanji's, and got to work. He began humming under his breath. Animals weren't quite as good as humans at keeping the noise in his head down, but it was a damn sight better than being alone. He smiled and gave the animal a loving stroke on its head before moving on.
All too soon, Eren found himself done and almost out of time. He began to brush Hanji's horse all over again to keep his hands busy and avoid tapping out another maddening rhythm.
"Are you still not done? What they hell have you been doing this whole time?" Levi's voice jolted him out of his thoughts and he jumped, dropping the brush in his surprise.
"Corporal! No sir, I'm finished. I was just… keeping myself busy." He stooped to retrieve the brush and Levi seemed to analyze him.
"Hnn… Regardless, it's time to return to your room. There's still about an hour and a half until dinner." Eren froze eyes going wide as he stared at the shorter man. This didn't escape Levi's notice.
"Something wrong?"
"I-I just didn't think I'd have to return so soon. Isn't there anything else you need me to do?"
"Everyone else is either busy training or attending to their own duties, no one has time to baby-sit you."
"Sir, please. Can't I just clean the rooms with the others? Or do laundry? Stay with the horses? Anything, just don't make me go sit by myself. Please, please sir!" He knew that he sounded pathetic begging the corporal like this, but he was desperate. He couldn't handle it again, not so soon, it felt like Hanji had just come to end his self imposed madness an hour ago.
"What the hell, I already said no. Why are you so eager to work? Most people would leap at the chance to spend some time lazing about."
"Please sir, I can't, I can't, I can'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan't-" Eren didn't even care that Levi was going to think he was a mad man, he couldn't do it, he couldn't. He wondered if he'd turn into a titan and go on a rampage when he finally lost his last shred of sanity. Levi would have to kill him. Mikasa and Armin would cry.
All of the sudden he was pushed to the ground, falling on his ass as his head was forced forward between his knees by a firm hang on his neck.
"Eren. Eren! You have to calm down! Breathe! God damn it you're fucking hyperventilating." The edges of his vision seemed to wash out into black before coming back full force as he obeyed Levi and remembered to breathe. He closed his eyes as he panted harshly.
"Good. That's it, just breathe." Levi removed his hand from Eren's neck, letting him straighten up momentarily before slumping against the wall behind him.
"Now. What in the fuck. Was that. Was that a panic attack? Did you just have a fucking panic attack about going to your own room?" Eren could hear a mixture of disbelief, distain and something else that sounded surprisingly like concern in Levi's voice. He brought his shaking hands up to face in a weak half-assed attempt to hide his shame.
"I'm sorry sir; I'll go back to my room. I'm sorry." Eren dropped his hand from his eyes and gazed at the dirt floor, not daring to look at Levi's face.
"No. You're going to explain what the hell just happened. Why did you have a panic attack." God he didn't want to explain.
"I-I don't- I can't handle being alone. I need to be in the same room as someone or-." He cut himself off. There was no way to explain this without sounding like a lunatic.
"Or what." Levi's growled. It was clear he was losing his patience. Eren leapt to his feet and began to pace erratically, suddenly unable to have this conversation whilst he was sitting.
"I'm not crazy! I swear sir, I'm not! It's just when I'm alone I can't stop going over words I've heard that day and latching onto some of them. Then I have to repeat it over and over until it sounds right and then I do it again and again. I don't do it on purpose, I-I just can't stop. No matter how hard I try to stop I can't and it's awful." He looked to Levi trying to gauge his reaction, but his face was a blank mask.
"But when I'm around people, it just shuts up and I can be normal and I don't have to do it. It's the stupidest thing, but I can't stop, and I can't control it. B-but I'm not crazy! I'm not!" Eren was panting once again and he was sure he looked every inch the lunatic he was swearing he wasn't. Levi took a step back, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Why has this all come to a head now? Is this a recent development, or have you always done this?"
"Always, but it's especially bad at night. It was just never quite this bad because I wasn't ever truly alone for an extended period of time. When I was a kid before the wall fell I shared a bed with my parents, then later on I was never without my friends, and during training I shared a dorm with others. This is the first time in my life I've had to sleep alone." He sighed raking a hand through his messy hair.
"I think I only broke down like that because last night was awful, I couldn't stop and I got absolutely no sleep." He gave a weak laugh.
"Hell, maybe I am crazy. That's the only explanation for this."
"You're not crazy. Stay with the horses if you want, don't be late for dinner." Eren looked at him in disbelief.
"R-really, sir? I can stay out here? I don't have to go back yet?" Levi watched him for a moment before beginning to walk away, not even gracing the inquiry with an answer. Eren took it as a yes.
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As Eren ate dinner, this time sitting with Mikasa and Armin, he tried to enjoy the moment and not think about having to try and sleep alone again. He realized he'd zoned out and he snapped back to attention. Oh shit, Armin was talking. How long had he been talking?
"-Then Connie fell face first into the mud. It was hilarious." Eren laughed weakly, hoping his friend wouldn't notice that he'd been less and riveted with his story.
"Eren are you ok? You don't look so good, are you tired?" He suppressed a groan, of course Armin would notice.
"I'm fi-" Eren cut himself off as he saw Levi striding towards him.
"Eren come with me to get your things." Eren froze, mouth falling open in shock and his hands clenched. Was he being discharged? Could they do that? Didn't they need him? His heart filled with dread. Had Levi decided he was crazy after all? Was he was being handed over to the military police to be put down?
"You're going to be sleeping with the other new recruits from now on, we need your room for other purposes. Now come on." He stared at Levi dumbly, until his brain caught up on the order to move. He left his friends with scarcely a backward glance and followed dutifully after the Corporal until they reached his- he stopped, what used to be his room.
"Sir are you serious? I can sleep with the others? I won't have to be alone?" He was frankly disgusted with how sickeningly hopeful he sounded.
"Yes. I managed to convince them you could handle yourself; with the exception that if you fuck up you'll be back in a cell in chains faster than you can blink. Don't fuck up." Levi was staring disinterestedly at the wall, and thus was caught slightly off guard when Eren slammed into him, arms wrapping around him in a strangling hug.
"Fucking brat! Get the hell off of me!" Levi all but screeched, trying to get enough space between them that he could kick the little shit across the room. Eren just tightened his hold if at all possible.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you Corporal!" Eren's head was yanked back, a handful of his hair in Levi's fist.
"Get the fuck off me." He growled into Eren's face then let go of the brunette's locks. Eren could have sworn he felt a gentle hand stroke through his hair before he finally remembered himself and released Levi.
"Really sir, thanks."
"Yeah, yeah." Levi sighed, straightening his clothes with a scowl.
"Get your shit so we can go." Eren gathered up his few possessions and once more followed the Corporal's retreating back. It looked like today was finally going to be a good day.