Fragments
I can't remember a day when I didn't feel just a little regret about something I'd said or done in my life. I spoke my mind first, thought about it later. I know I hurt quite a few people during my long life doing this. It wasn't intentional. Never intentional. But it was too late to do anything about them. But not too late to put right what I did wrong last night. What I'd said in anger and frustration.
Running my had through my hair, I sat in my office and waited for Ianto to bring me a cup of coffee. Even after the words we'd had last night, I knew he'd still bring me my morning coffee. He'd make me wait for it. Give the rest of the team theirs first, but he'd bring it just the same. Cold was fine, warm would be better.
I heard his footsteps on the stairs. Smelt the exotic brew. What delights were in store today, I thought to myself.
Ianto enjoyed blending different coffee beans and adding his own unique twist. It made drinking his coffee even more enjoyable, and was more than a pleasant experience.
And so I waited….
He entered my office, immaculately dressed, as always. Dark blue pinstriped suit, matching waistcoat, white shirt and blue and white stripped tie. No hair was out of place. Clean shaven. The perfect man.
Putting my cup down in front of me, he turned to leave without saying a word.
"Good morning." I spoke first.
He turned, steely blue eyes searching mine. "Morning, sir."
"I….wanted to talk about last night."
"What's to talk about. You said no."
"Let me at least explain."
He turned to leave again.
Getting up from my chair, I passed him, shut the door and stood in front of it to block his exit.
"Sir, please." He closed his eyes for a few seconds.
"Sit down, Ianto. That's a direct order."
Ianto rolled his eyes, but obeyed.
Once seated, I perched on the desk in front of him.
"I know you need time off…God knows we all do….but I can't let you take two weeks. I'm sorry. None of us can take that long. And you've not long been back off suspension."
Ianto tutted and rolled his eyes again.
"I need you here."
"For what? I clean up your shit. I Google directions for you. Why do you need me?"
"Is that all you thing I need you for? Just that? You've got it all wrong, Ianto."
"Have I? I don't think so. Ever since Lisa, I've been doing the same old thing. Clearing up after you all. Ordering pizza. Directing you to Weevil sightings. You don't need me, you need a Tom Tom stroke gofer."
I laughed. He scowled.
"Ianto, we appreciate your many talents, we really do. Now, if you were to tell me why you want two weeks off…."
"It's….personal." He interrupted, shifted uneasily in his seat.
"To do with family?"
"Is this because I said you never asked me about my life?"
I sighed. "In part, yes."
Ianto laughed. "Thought so."
"It's been three weeks since you got back off suspension. You're doing great in the archives. I've seen you work in the tourist office. I have no complaints whatsoever. I don't understand why you still hold a grudge."
"A grudge? Is that what you think this is about?" He stood up. "Well, screw you! You can keep your job. Who needs bloody Torchwood or Jack Harkness anyway?" Ianto walked to the door, grabbing the handle. "It's not all about you, you know. We all have feeling, unlike you."
Ianto walked down the stairs and out of the sliding door. All I could do was watch. But I knew he wouldn't go far.
Nice one Jack, m'boy
"Jack strikes again," said Owen, looking up at me as I looked down into the Hub.
"Well, I feel sorry for him," said Tosh, not looking up from her computer.
"Who, Jack or Ianto?" asked Owen.
"Jack, of course." Came the reply.
"You don't know the half of it," muttered Owen. "None of you do."
"Come on Owen," started Gwen, "spill the beans, then."
"Nah, I promised Ianto."
"Oh, all boys together, is it?"
"Something like that," said Owen, going back to the autopsy room.
Gwen watched Owen go and then looked up at me. I was watching her. She smiled, but I didn't smile back, just went back to my desk.
"And they say women are moody." Gwen shook her head and went back to what she was doing.
I switched on my computer and I logged in, then brought up the cameras around the Hub. I pushed the key for the one in the tourist office. Ianto was stood behind the counter, looking at the computer screen. He looked really pissed.
He hadn't left then. I smiled. I knew he wouldn't. Empty threats.
Going into my e-mail account, I composed a message.
Ianto,
I can let you have a couple of days off, but what you are asking is impossible. Come up to my office when your through in there and we can discuss it.
I think there is an underlying reason behind it, and I would like to know what it is.
The 'Lisa' incident is behind us now, and I thought we had moved on. Apparently not for you, though.
If you have a problem, I'd like to think we can talk through it. Just please, come talk to me. I know you don't really want to leave Torchwood.
I'm here if you need to talk.
Jack
Reading through the message, I pushed the send button and watched the monitor.
I watched as Ianto press some buttons on the keyboard. He must be reading my message. He thumped the computer and then look at the camera. He had turned a pinkish colour.
Anger or embarrassment?
I turned off the monitor and drank my coffee. As usual, it was out of this world. It had a hint of coconut in it.
By lunchtime, Ianto still hadn't come in from the tourist office. I could see this was a job for Captain Jack Harkness.
Yeah, right
I left my office and went down into the Hub. Owen had finished the autopsy on the Blowfish found in Victoria Park. It seemed he'd lost a fight with a Weevil. We kindda knew that, but still had to do a post mortem. Owen was just finishing up his notes.
"Here, can you take this through to Ianto. It needs typing out for you to sign."
My team knew me well.
I took the report and smiled my best smile. It didn't go unnoticed.
"Give 'im the time off, Jack."
"Do you know something I don't, Owen?"
Owen shook his head and looked at his hands.
"I think you really need to speak to Ianto about it."
"He won't talk to me."
"I can't. I'm sorry, Jack." Owen walked away.
I sighed, running a hand across my face. This was ridiculous. I had to find out what was going on.
Going through to the lift, I got inside hoping that Ianto wouldn't bolt for the outside world as soon as he saw me. Oughta put an automatic lock on the tourist office main door.
This was one for my 'to do list'
As I stood by the secret door, I could hear those beautiful Welsh vowels that drove me mad.
Visitors in the centre, best wait
It seemed like ages, but, in truth, it was about five minutes, maybe less, then it fell silent. Pushing through the door, I stood at the end of the counter. There was no escape for Ianto now. Unless of course, he went into the 'Staff Only' room, and I could follow, seeing as there was only a plastic curtain up there, or volted over the counter.
"Owen wants this report typed up."
Ianto took it from me, placing it by the computer.
"I'll get it done."
"And I'd like a talk to you."
That's when he turned his back on me.
"Nothing to say."
"Ianto, please. Just talk to me."
"You wouldn't understand." He took a deep breath, then blew it out.
"Try me."
He turned watery blue eyes on me. "I….fell apart after you suspended me, Jack, did you know that." It wasn't a question. "Don't expect you'd care anyway." He looked at the computer screen. "I started drinking….heavily. Just a few cans at first." Ianto moved around me to lock the tourist office door. "I also took a few too many painkillers." He laughed. "If it wasn't for Owen…. Well, let's just say I might not still be here."
That's what Owen was keeping secret. Well done him.
"Was it intentional? The pills?"
Ianto shook his head. "I just wanted all the pain to stop. Losing Lisa….being suspended….hitting you." Our eyes met. "Sorry about that."
I shook my head. "Doesn't matter."
"I keep losing people that I love. Tad. Mum. Lisa." He looked away again. "Maybe that's how my life will be….alone. On my own."
"You'll find someone, Ianto. Just give it a chance."
Ianto smiled. "I….have. But, I can't tell them."
"Why. Is she married?"
He shook his head. "He."
"Arh, right."
Ianto didn't say any more.
"And the time off, was that to go and see him?"
"No. To straighten myself out. I'm still take the painkillers, you see."
"Is Owen supplying them?"
"No." He laughed ruefully. "Courtesy of Boots and Superdrug," He smiled.
"A week. I'll give you a week. No more. Get yourself sorted out and get back here."
He didn't move.
"Go. I'll straighten things here. Just….go."
Without a word, Ianto left. I locked the door behind him and just stood there looking at the computer screen.
I know I shouldn't have, but I looked at the files. One said 'Fragments'. Intrigued, I opened it.
It contained diary like entries.
Where do I start? At the beginning I suppose….here goes
Day One
Jack suspended me for a month. Lucky I wasn't fired. Why didn't Jack fire me? I hit him, for Christsake! Shit, what am I gonna do for a month? The Hub was my life. Lisa was my life. Now it's all gone
Day Two
Roamed around town. Nothing taking my interest. Merely existing. Can't call this existing. The pain is back, it lingers
Day Three
Went to Tesco, bought a few cans of Budweiser. They didn't last long. Didn't stop this ache inside. Maybe nothing will. A few more painkillers might help. I just wish this pain would end. What's wrong with me?
Day Seven
Stayed in bed for two whole days. What was that all about? No point in getting up. Going to get a few more cans and painkillers today. Have myself a 'forgetting' party. One guest only….me..myself..I
Day Ten
Owen came round. He's not such a tosser after all. Don't think he'll be back.
Day Fourteen
Both myself and the flat smell ripe. Lost a few days here….doesn't time fly when your having fun? NOT. Better clean up. The phone keeps ringing, but no number. It's withheld. I wonder if it's HIM!
Him?
I couldn't read any more. Not here. It was getting hard for me to read, to digest. I sent a copy to my computer and switched this one off. I'd read more later.
Sitting behind my desk, I tried to do paperwork that was long overdue, but I kept thinking about what was in the 'Fragments' file.
Was the Him the man Ianto was in love with? How long had he felt like this? Will you never learn, Harkness?
I went to my window and looked out over the Hub. Did I really know anything about those people down there?
Shy, bespectacled Toshiko Sato. Head down, cracking alien codes. Formulating new software to protect Torchwood Three. How well did I know her? Taken out of forced detention to work for TW because of those skills. She looked happy enough, though.
Owen. I'd recruited him after the love of his life died. Waited by her grave to grab him. Doctor Owen Harper. Brilliant doctor. TW needed his skills. He was cocky, self assured and a pain sometimes.
I smiled.
Then there's Gwen Cooper. Ex police officer. Our link with the outside world. Her contacts in and out of the police force had become invaluable. She was complex, even complicated, and I adored her. Maybe too much at times.
And Ianto Jones. Oh, Ianto….what can I say about him? Stalked me for the best part of three days. Helped me capture Myfanwy. Looked great in a suit.
God!
What is wrong with this picture?
I opened up the 'Fragments' file. I had to read more.
Day Fifteen
The phone hasn't rung today, and I cleaned up, too. Cans are all empty. Better put them out. Looks like a tip in the kitchen. Didn't clean up in there. I can nip to Tesco then and get some more. The pain went….for a few hours. Maybe I just dreamt it, cos it's back. Like my stomach's full of rats. They're gnawing at my insides. Never letting up. The booze helps, a little. The painkillers dumb it, a little, but it's always there. Like the constant voice in my head….his voice. Why does he have to follow me here? Isn't enough that I'm here, alone? God, I can't believe I'm crying. GET A LIFE !
Day Sixteen
Threw up last night….too much booze and no food. Keep forgetting to buy any. They know me at the supermarket now. I think they stock up just for me. Funny, I didn't drink much before this….the occasional whisky, that's all.
Day Twenty
Owen was really kind to me. I was covered in my own vomit and more, and he cleaned me up. Use his lock pick to get in when I didn't answer the door or my phones. I always thought he was a bit of a tosser, but he really cares….in his own way. I'd drank seven cans and taken thirty two painkillers. If he hadn't come by….I might have died. I poured my heart out to him when he finally sobered me up. There we were, me in bed, naked, him holding me, while I cried. Thanks guy xx
He said he wouldn't tell Jack about my 'mishap'. It wasn't as if I wanted to kill myself….the pain made me do it, and that fucking voice I my head….HIS voice
Day Twenty Two
Owen left early this morning. I can believe he stayed by me all night. But work calls. Hope I didn't make him late. Not that he cares. I didn't want Jack to find out where he'd been all night. Selfish of me, I know. I feel a little better today. Might try eating something. Gotta go shopping….no booze though. Painkillers….maybe. The phone rang as I got back from the supermarket. Number withheld. Shit! Why do they do that?
I was brought back to the present by Owen knocking on my door.
"Come in."
As he entered, he gave me this 'look'.
"You let him go then."
"Yeah. A week."
"Thanks."
"Yeah."
"Look, Jack…."
"He told me about the drinking and painkillers. Said you saved his life."
"Yeah, well. He'd drank himself into a stupor. I couldn't leave him like that, could I?"
"Owen?"
"Yeah." He sat down.
"Do you know who his guy is that Ianto is in love with?"
"You know about that?"
"He told me. In the tourist office."
"But that's all he told you? About the man I mean."
"Yeah."
Owen moved uneasily in his seat. "I can't tell you, Jack. If Ianto wants you to know, it's up to him to say. Sorry."
I nodded. "That's okay. I understand." I did.
Owen got up to leave.
"If he was in trouble, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?"
Owen didn't meet my gaze.
"Yep, sure."
Liar.
Owen went back to the autopsy room, looking up at me as he went down the stair. I sighed and put my hands into my trouser pockets. Going back to my desk, I read on.
Day Twenty Six
Managed to stay off the booze and keep most of my food down today. No drink since Owen was here…YAY! Feeling rough, but that's okay. Back to work this time next week. Can't wait. I miss everyone. He never came to see me. Can't blame him, after what I did. I bet he feels betrayed….I wangle my way in, and then, pow. Oh what a tangled web we weave, when we practise to deceive….and deceive I did, big time. Will he ever forgive me….
I stopped reading then. Recognition hit like a jack hammer. The phone calls….that was me.
Oh, God! He loved ME.
I turned off the computer, grabbed my coat and headed for the stairs.
As I passed by the old couch, I called to Owen. "I'll be out for a while. If it's urgent, call me."
"Right," said Owen, not looking up.
I hurried out to the lift and out through the tourist office. It was nice out and the boardwalk was packed with sightseers and holidaymakers. Crossing to the SUV, I unlocked the door, got in and gunned the engine.
I was hoping that Ianto had gone straight home. I had to talk to him….now.
Ianto sat in his kitchen, holding a mug full of steaming coffee. It was the first thing he did when he got in.
Leaning forward on his elbows, Ianto held the mug to his mouth and took a sip. He closed his eyes.
God, that tastes good
Looking over on the counter top, he spied the box of unopened painkillers. Did he really want them? No, but he needed them. His heart was still beating quite fast from his encounter with Jack earlier. He wanted so bad to tell Jack that the man he loved was him. Almost from the day he'd first met him. Strange, since he himself was straight and in love with Lisa at the time. But there was something about Jack Harkness that pulled him towards him. Made he want to be near him. Needed him. Always.
He was daydreaming.
His phone ringing brought him back to the present. Picking it up, he saw no caller ID.
"Hello?"
"It's me."
"Sir? Did you want me back there? You said a week."
"No. I….no."
"Jack?"
"I'm on my way to you."
Ianto stood up, looking out of the window. "Why, sir?"
"I'll explain when I get there, okay?"
Ianto nodded. "Yes."
I put the phone down.
Had I caught him off guard? I expect so, but I was hoping he'd still be in when I got there. Maybe he'd put two and two together, like I did, about the phone calls.
Ianto looked at the phone and then put it on the table. He thought for a moment.
Ianto looked back at the phone….then it hit.
Jack.
I parked the SUV and walked to the main entrance leading to the flats above. Climbing the stairs, I made my way to Ianto's door. I stood outside for what seemed an age, before finally knocking.
When Ianto opened the door, he had tears in his eyes. I pulled him into a hug.
"It….was you." He managed after a few seconds. "You kept phoning.""Yeah. I wanted to make sure you were okay."
We parted.
I moved inside and shut the door behind me, following Ianto into the living room.
"We really need to talk, but first I need to tell you something." I took a deep breath. "I opened a file on the computer in the tourist office. 'Fragments'."
Ianto swallowed hard and blushed, looking at his hands. He was wringing them. I placed one of mine over his and made him sit down.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. I was worried about you and this….man.""And now you know it's you?"
"Yeah."
"Bit of a shock horror, I guess."
I made eye contact with him. "Actually, no. I feel the same."
Ianto smiled. "Right. You love me."
"Yeah, I do."
I couldn't read his face just then. Did he think I was just trying to humour him? I
hoped not.
"Let me help you through this week. I can come here after work and be with you. Nothing funny, just be here for you."
"I'd like that."
I smiled. "Yeah."
I stood going into the kitchen. Opening the fridge, I look to see what he had in. Not much.
"First we need to get you food. Milk, eggs, cheese, bread, maybe soup and fruit."
Ianto cheered up. "Maybe we could go now, together. If you'd like."
"I'd like."
Ianto went into the bedroom and combed his hair. I'd never seen it so out of place. Grabbing a jacket, he followed me to the front door.
"Do you need money?"
He shook his head. "No. I have some, thanks."
"Good."
We went to Tesco and then walked slowly back. I opened a couple of cans of Big Soups and put them in a saucepan. Bringing them to a simmer, I waited a few minutes, before buttering four slices of bread and taking them to the kitchen table. When the soup was hot enough, I put it in bowls and place them on the table, too.
Ianto watched me, a new gleam in his blue eyes. They were no longer dull. He had colour back in his cheeks.
He was going to get through this, and I was going to be there for him, all the way. And after, well, we'd discuss our new found relationship, but not until he was better.
THE END