"... Thank you, citizens of Norta." Cal finishes. I have to admit, I zoned out for most of his speech. He droned on about victory, equality, and unity for at least thirty minutes. My back hurt from sitting up so straight on my throne, and what was once an encouraging squeeze of Cal's hand, has turned into a white knuckled death grip. The cameras stay on for a moment, then click off. I sigh in relief, and Cal snatches his hand away, rubbing it. "Ow, Mare, I think you bruise the bone." I roll my eyes. There are dozens of silver healers around, ready to tend to his every need. Pain doesn't matter to theses people.

I don't think I can take it anymore. The council meetings, the speeches. The fact that the whole country is looking at me and him, their exiled prince returned, and a red scandal redeemed. I thought this would be easy. I thought I could just be queen, and Cal's wife. I thought we'd have something like a normal relationship. As normal as it could be, anyway. But Cal's grandmother is nagging me for hiers, and Cal, well, isn't really ever around. When I was with Maven, I thought I would never be more alone. How wrong I was. This is a million times worse. To be always seated next to the one you love, but for them to not even notice you. I suppose this is how maven felt. I feel a pang of pity, but quickly shove it away. He doesn't deserve anything from me, especially not pity.

But I did let him live. Everyone else was glad to have him executed when we captured him and brought down his kingdom. But for some reason, I spoke out against killing him. Maybe it was because I was tired of killing. Or maybe it was because part of me still loves the fiction. Either way, he was a part of my past. Evil or not, I couldn't just stand by and watch him die.

Cal shakes my shoulders. "Mare? Mare?" he says, but his voice is distant. Damn it, I did it again. Got so caught up in my thoughts, that the world sort of melted away. It's getting harder and harder to live in the present now. My mind just keeps folding in on itself, drawing me into it's darkest corners.

"Sorry," I say.

"You're okay?" he asks, and a bit of genuine worry flashes across his face. Just for a moment. He has better things to do that babysit me. Running a country, stuff like that. I could help, but they don't care. I'm a red, I'm a woman.

"Yeah. I'm fine." I say. I'm not. I'm not fine. I don't know if I ever will be again.

I walk down to the dungeons. Taking a roundabout path like I always do, avoiding camaras when I can. Turning them off is just like leaving a trail off muddy footprints. Everyone knows it's me.

Blue eyes stare at me from a cell I visit everyday. They're dull and empty, missing that spark that always was there. His cheeks are hollow, and there are dark circle under his eyes. His hair is messy, curly and untamed. He looks like I do, under the makeup. Under the grooming of this court.

He doesn't say anything, and I don't either. We never talk. We just stare at each other, wondering how life would have been if things were different. He's evil, but so am I. We both killed. So much blood, on our hands combined. Red, silver. His mind is twisted by his mother, and mine by what this world did to me, and what I did to fight it. We're all monsters. None of us are innocent in this war.

I know he doesn't deserve my pity. But coming down here, I don't feel alone. Because out of everyone, I can relate to Maven the most. I don't do this for him. I do it for me.

He does something he's never done before. He smirks. And it's all wrong. He has Cal's smile. I don't know how I never noticed that before.

Maven reaches his hand out though the bars. Hesitantly, I take it. It's cold, but the cold doesn't seem to bother me.

I should stop coming here. I have everything I've ever wanted. I'm married to Cal, we won the rebellion, and most of my family is still alive. And still...

"Goodbye, Maven." I whisper, and drop his hand.

I run up the steps, taking them two at a time. I want Cal. I need Cal.

I find him sitting in a council, talking to some generals, red and silver. Before, the sight would have made be overcome with joy. Reds and silvers, sitting together as equals. But I just walk in, straight faced. Everyone stares at me.

"Tiberius." i say, my voice exactly how lady blanos wanted. Cal stands, startled. "A word, please."

When we're out, I hug him. He stiffens for a second, but then softens putting his arms around me.

"Cal," I say into his chest, my voice muffled. He reads me.

"Did you interrupt my important meeting for a hug?" He asks, mildly annoyed.

"No. have dinner with me tonight." i say. "Pleae."

"You know I'm busy."

"You know we're married."

"Fine."

"Thank you. You don't know how much this means to me."