Raiden is FABULOUS!
Warning! Rated M for crude humor and some nudity.
XxXxXxXx
Raiden ran through Shell 1 and made it to one of the Struts. It was a open place, so if he was ambushed, he'd have no way of getting to cover in time.
"Rose, this one's for you!" he said, jumping into an acrobatic flip that was just fabulous.
Unfortunately, he fabulously flipped into some C4 or something.
"AAAOAA I'M BLEEDING THE BLOOD TO BE BLED!" he cried.
A cypher rose up from the side of the strut and gave him the most creeped out look a cypher could give. Then it sounded an alarm.
"Oh, great." Raiden muttered. He still hadn't moved. As long as he didn't move, he would survive. "Haha! I am invincible!" he chuckled.
A couple of guards ran out and shot at him, but since he was invincible, it didn't effect him. Here is a recap of what happened next in a Pokèmon battle:
RAIDEN used CARDBOARD BOX!
Raiden pulled out a cardboard box and tried to sneak away like Pliskin.
It's not very effective...
GUARD 1 used AK ATTACK!
The first guard opened fire on the inconspicuous box.
It's super effective!
Raiden took a bullet to the knee.
RAIDEN used PLAY DEAD!
GUARD 2 used GRENADE!
Pretty self explanatory, there...
It's super effective!
RAIDEN used FABULOUS JUMP!
GUARD 1 used EYE ROLL!
RAIDEN is not FABULOUS anymore!
Said FOXHOUND agent crawled along the strut, dragging his injured leg behind him and leaving a blood trail. He stood up inside the box and tried to open the next Shell door.
Can't escape!
"Dammit,"
GUARD 1 and GUARD 2 used CALL FOR BACKUP!
"Yeah, we need some backup here. And a medic. I think the kid's gone loopy from blood loss. He's screaming at the wall," the first guard said.
RAIDEN used (1)RATIONS!
RAIDEN restored 100 HP!
"That's better." Raiden said. Thinking clearly, he located the door and opened it. Stairs lead up.
RAIDEN used FABULOUS JUMP!
...but it failed!
Raiden misstepped and landed flat on his back. His arm was also broken. He slid down the stairs and back to the ground.
"...Ow..."
"Raiden! Pull yourself together! You call yourself a FOXHOUND agent?! Get up!" the Colonel dude barked.
"The paaaaain...!"
"Jack? Jack, get up. Do you want to save?" Rose asked.
"What does that even mean?" Raiden asked, pulling another ration out of his...uh...he doesn't have pockets, does he?
RAIDEN used (1)RATIONS!
RAIDEN restored 150 HP!
"Ok! I'm alive!"
"Do you remember when we first met, Jack?" Rose asked.
"Not the time, Rose! Bye!" Raiden shut off the Codec.
A guard tried to ambush him, but he quickly knocked him out with a tranquilizer dart. "That was close..." Raiden said, nudging the guard's body. He snored slightly.
"Hey, I wonder what will happen if I do this..." Raiden pulled out his real gun and shot the guard.
The snoring persisted.
A pool of blood surrounded the guard's body.
The snoring ceased.
"Oh crap," Raiden muttered. "What was I even thinking? Of course guns kill people!" he then thought about how he was against gun laws. "But I pulled the trigger. So therefore I am a killer. The gun just helped. People kill people, but guns help."
He grinned. Then he remembered there was a dead guy at his feet.
"I hate my job."
TWO HOURS LATER...
"Raiden," the Colonel dude said seriously.
Said agent ignored that.
"Raiden,"
Ignored.
"Raiden,"
Ignored.
"Raiden. Raiden. Raiden. Raiden. Raiden..."
"WHAT?!"
"Hi,"
Raiden sighed. "You've been acting odd lately," he said.
"It is all a game!" the Colonel laughed. "Just turn off the counsel! It's not real!"
"What?"
"You don't have to do this...!" he sang. Yes, sang.
"What?!"
"Raiden, I have something to tell you!" Pliskin broke through.
"And I have something to tell you!" Raiden said.
"All right. You first."
"I love you!"
"...Bye."
"Plisken? Answer me! Pliskin!? PLISKIIIIN!" Raiden shouted. He called back, but the number was disconnected. "I was kidding!"
"Oh, good. Because if you were serious, I would find you, and I would kill you." Pliskin said, reconnecting and stuff.
"Yeah, I know. Anyway, I mean to say that I know you're really Snake. I mean, seriously, you look exactly like him." Raiden said.
"...I think I'll kill you anyway." Snake/Pliskin growled.
"Can I have your autograph?!" Raiden asked.
"Yeah. On your nonexistent balls."
"D:" Raiden said. "I do too have balls! Ask Rose!"
"Leave me out of this!" Rose hissed.
"But then I have no one else to ask!"
Snake sighed. "Whatever."
MANY SAD HOURS LATER, MOSTLY INVOLVING OTACON'S (NOW DEAD) SISTER AND CONFESSIONS AND SPOILERS AND STUFF...
Raiden was sort of half awake. He was also naked. And he couldn't move.
"Ow... Where did my clothes go? What horrible things have been done to me?!" he shouted.
Someone slapped him.
"That was unnecessary!"
"It was too necessary. Pull yourself together." said a Russian accented voice.
"Olga!" Raiden growled. "What do you want?"
"My child back. He was stolen."
"Oh. That's actually quite serious..." Raiden thought. "But I didn't steal him."
"I know that, but you must suceed with your mission. His life depends on it."
"Hey," Raiden chuckled. "Wanna know why they used to call me 'Snake' before we figured out the real Snake is here...?"
"NO!" Olga averted her eyes. "NO NO NO NO!"
Raiden laughed pervertedly. Olga left.
"Hey! No! I was kidding! Can I at least have some underwear?!" Raiden burst into tears. "What a terrible way to die...!"
His restraints released. He sat up and covered his man parts, looking for anything to use as makeshift underwear.
"Hmmm...maybe I'll get lucky and all the guards outside will be women..." Raiden thought. "And then I can have witnesses so Snake knows I really do have balls..."
"NO, RAIDEN. JUST NO." came Rose's shout. "THAT'S DISGUSTING."
"I'm kidding. Locate me some underwear, please."
"There is none in the vicinity."
"...Shit,"
"Sorry, Jack, you're on your own." Rose cut communications.
"Noooooo...please just stay and talk to meeee..." Raiden whined. When Rose didn't come back, he decided to be a man and get on with it. He walked sheepishly into another room, where it was guarded by a lot of guards.
"Crap." Raiden muttered.
"Hey. Hey, Raiden," the Colonel said. "watch out for those poisonous flowers."
"What?" Raiden asked.
"Also Rose is with another guy!"
"Whaaaaat?!" Raiden cried.
"No! He's lying!" Rose insisted.
"Oooooooh nooooooo...!" the agent wailed. Quite loudly. "Noooooooo! How can this beeeeee?!"
"Look, men! Fire!" came a shout.
"AAAHOAOAOAAA IT BURNS!" Raiden shouted as bullets grazed his arms and legs and sides and pretty much everything. He threw his arms in the air and went streaking through the room. He survived, somehow.
"Oh. Hi." Snake said, giving Raiden a weird look. "You all right?"
"GIMMIE MY UNDERWEAR!" Raiden shouted, stealing said article of clothing from the other agent. He put on his boxers and regained manlyness.
"All right then. Olga left this for you," Snake handed Raiden a sword.
"Cool!" Raiden, in his boxers, took the sword and slashed at Snake.
"Idiot!" Snake uppercutted him.
"Ow." Raiden said.
"I'm not the enemy. Pull yourself together."
"Ok," Raiden said.
"Put your suit back on."
"Ok,"
"And act your age."
"No!"
Snake glare the death glare.
"Ok! Ok! I will!" Raiden squeaked.
"Then come on," Snake said.
FISSION MAILED
(THE END)
Yep. I loved this game, and I was really sad when Emma died, because she looked like me. It was creepy how much we looked the same. If you tied all her hair back, and gave her giant, nerdy black glasses, she would be my twin.
Anyway, I hope I didn't offend anyone. I don't usually write humor this crude. High school makes us all perverted, I guess.
Remember to review!
Hasta la Vista, Readers!
Lordoftheghostking28