.
Summary: Written for DateMe's HinataxAnyone Blockbuster theme. To raise money Hidan and Kakuzu take up debt collecting and their next target is none other than Konoha's Hokage. But what they first need is leverage, something that wont get a squad of ANBU sent after them, yet will still encourage the Hokage's swift payment. Along comes Hinata pigsitting TonTon, Hidan's in desperate need of a virgin, and Kakashi is just being Kakashi.
KakaXHina, slight HidaXHina
A/N: Ok, this is the edited version of my DateMe entry. I was rushing out the other one, heh. Dedicated to Santeira who's been such amazing support and help with everything I do fanfiction wise. Thank you, you keep me going, and make me like Kaka/Hina despite it being the crack of my crack. Blame her for all my Kaka/Hina stories.
Oh, it probably won't take you long to figure out how I worked in the Blockbuster theme. :D
.
.
You Had Me At...
.
.
The patrons of the small café glanced nervously to one another. No one moved, no one ate, and no one dared to scrape the bottom of their chair against the ground. It was near noon yet the doors were locked and the window shades drawn.
"Show me the money," the masked man growled, leaning over the cash desk to the man standing just behind the counter.
"Uh, sir, you can tell your employer that we are working on it. We just need a bit more time," the man replied, letting his eyes drifted around the establishment while sweat dripped from his brow. The braver amongst the patrons looked over but if he was hoping to find an undercover shinobi in the crowd, willing to rescue him, he was sorely mistaken. The silence that followed his words was near suffocating.
"Hey Kakuzu," his partner then called. "You think any of these chicks are virgins?"
A few women sucked in their breath but the only sign that Kakuzu had acknowledged his words was the slight hardening in his eyes. "What we've got here is a failure to communicate."
The establishment's owner clutched and twisted his fingers, wringing them to painful levels. He could swear the man before him could even hear his heart thumping within his chest. "Please, give me a week. No, one day, just one more day. I promise."
"I'm afraid I can't do that-" Kakuzu paused to squint at the man's name tag. "Dave."
"I mean seriously, is it so hard to find a woman who believes in the sanctity of her own body? You know what today's problem is? No body has any fucking morals any more. They're all sluts." The patrons scowled, while Hidan continued to walk among the tables. Idly he picked up an apple and seemed to examine his reflection on it polished surface. "One time a year. Only once does He demand a virgin- see he's not even that picky most of the time -but do you think I can find one?"
Hidan paused to hover over a younger looking girl. "Hey, you wouldn't happen to be a virgin, would you?"
"Um," the girl stuttered, shrinking back in her chair and darting her eyes around nervously. "Well you see, this one time, at band camp…"
Hidan jerked back. "Fucking heathens, the lot of them."
"Hidan," Kakuzu's monotone voice drifted over. "We have a job to do."
Hidan rolled his eyes while simultaneously sneering at the back of his partners head. "Do you know what I found out about last years "virgin"? We were all set up and ready to go, when this girl- sweet innocent type too, blonde, blue eyed, a real peach -and she lets s lets slip she's sucked thirty seven dicks. Thirty seven!"
One of the patron's heads turned curiously. "In a row?"
Hidan turned with his hand out, smacking him hard across the head. "Shut the fuck up. Do you think Lord Jashin forgets shit like that?" He nodded back to his partner. "The girl this year has got to be the epitome of innocence and purity, and not just the store bought kind. God damn whores."
On the other side of the room, Dave was shaking more and more as the two collectors proved they weren't going to back off this time. "Please. You have to believe me. I'll get it for you as soon as possibly."
Kakuzu leaned back. "I think we're done here."
The man visibly relaxed, letting out a long breath. "Oh thank you, thank you so much, I promise-"
"Do you know what I see when I look around this room?"
If he didn't know better, the owner would say the man was smiling. He tentatively tried to return the gesture. "W-what?"
"I see dead people."
.
.
Hinata's face was bright red and flushed while Kakashi slouched casually at her side, letting his eye drift around the ceiling. Tsunade glowered from behind her desk, filling the room with a palpable tension.
"Of all people, the Daimyo's wife," she seethed out.
Hinata swallowed hard, not daring to speak.
"What in Gods name possessed you to use the storage closet in the guest waiting room?"
Hinata's breath started to feel thick and heavy in her throat.
"Well you see," Kakashi began, still not meeting the woman's eye. "We got locked in."
Tsunade's fists clenched. "You're supposed to be shinobi!"
Kakashi shrugged. "It was one of those handles that lock from the outside."
Hinata flinched back as the woman's mood darkened.
"And of course," Tsunade continued to bite out. "What that lead to was only natural, I suppose you're going to try telling me next."
Kakashi's eye crinkled, finally looking down. "Well yes. Plus I rescued her from a spider."
Hinata's mouth dropped. What was he doing?
"Oh really," the Hokage began. "So when the Daimyo's wife walked in on you in various stages of undress, it was all because Hinata, whom is on a team with an Aburame I may remind you, was afraid of a spider?"
"Did I say spider? I meant rodent of unusual size," Kakashi corrected innocently.
"Hinata, Shizune's off sick. Would you mind looking after TonTon and taking him for his annual spa treatment tomorrow?"
Hinata's eyes widened. Wasn't she supposed to be getting in trouble? "A-ano…"
Tsunade smiled a cruel smile at the girl. "Don't look at me like that. You see I'd like to be alone with Hatake for a while. I'm pretty sure I know where to place the blame for this incident."
Hinata's glanced nervously to the man at her side. He caught her eye and gave her a quick wink. Nodding her head once more, Hinata came forward and collected the small pig resting peacefully by the desk.
.
.
"Collections are not pleased with your resent results," the plantlike Akatsuki said as Hidan cleaned his scythe and Kakuzu meticulously counted the cash they'd pilfered from the recently dead's wallets.
"He didn't have the money," Kakuzu replied calmly, not lifting his eyes.
"And now he never will," Zetsu replied.
"Well then what the hell did you send us over there for? Threaten to collect, don't collect, kill the cheap bastard. We get paid either way, right?"
Zetsu turned to Hidan. "That's not how it works. More discretion is needed in the future, especially on your next assignment."
Kakuzu's hand stilled. "Another assignment?"
"Gees, we just finished this one and I still haven't found an appropriate sacrifice. You know I'm only allowed to kill virgins this Thursday?"
"Your tedious rituals can wait," Zetsu replied. "Why is it always virgins? I never understood the appeal."
Hidan snorted. "You wouldn't understand. You have no faith."
Zetsu tilted his head to the side. "A priest once tried to convert me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."
Hidan made a face. "You sir, are fucked up."
"We all go a little mad sometimes."
It was then Kakuzu stood up. "What is this new assignment for us?"
.
.
Hinata walked slowly through the woods on the outskirts of Konoha. Her head had been in a constant daze since the events the previous afternoon. If someone were to tell her yesterday morning that by mid afternoon she'd be making out with Kakashi sensei in a storage closet, she wouldn't have believed them. Instead she would have seriously questioned their sanity. She still wasn't sure how it had happened, just one minute they were talking about both needing to borrow the stapler and the next… Well, maybe he was desperate? Or had a thing for red staplers. He was kind of weird.
And she hadn't seen Kakashi since. Admittedly was a little worried as to what Lady Tsunade had in store for him, but seeing as she got off with just pig sitting, maybe it wouldn't be that bad?
Oink
Hinata smiled down at the animal. She was so distracted by her thoughts and ruminations that she didn't even hear the two shinobi until the moment they landed behind her.
"She'll do," one of them said as a cloth clamped over her mouth.
Hinata struggled, but they already had her. The last thing she heard as consciousness left was another man's voice. "Hey, you think she's a virgin?"
.
.
She woke up to find herself in an oddly lit, dingy looking cave. She was unrestrained and there was no one in sight.. "TonTon," she breathed after a moment. "I've got a feeling we're not in Konoha any more."
Activating her Byakugan, she quickly tried to evaluate where she was. It was then she realised the pig was gone and a man was quickly approaching her. Jumping to her feet, Hinata readied herself into a battle stance.
"So sleeping beauty finally awakes."
Hinata scowled. "Where's the pig," she demanded. Lady Tsunade would kill her if she managed to lose her one pet.
The man's eyebrows rose. "Well I see you've got your priorities straight."
She held her position. "What do you want? Where am I? Why am I here?"
Hidan walked over and sat on one of the larger stones, not looking particularly concerned and ignoring her latter questions. "I need you to write a letter for your Hokage."
.
.
For the second time in as many days Kakashi found himself standing opposite a very irate and powerful woman. Surely he hadn't done anything to piss her off again, had he? Yesterday was a complete fluke. Had anyone else walked in on them, the tower would probably be laughing about the incident and Tsunade making sly encouragements. Well, maybe not.
The Hokage looked up from the letter in her hand; her furry struck him as particularly acute. "TonTon's been pig napped."
Kakashi stared and then slowly allowed his eye to blink. Silently he evaluated his present hearing. "Pig napped, ma'am?"
"Yes, by my debt collectors."
"Ah." Well that was something new. "Did you want me to-"
"Take care of them? Yes, but not in the way you're thinking. Unfortunately I can't just go around killing all those I owe money too. Sets a bad precedent." Her fist clenched as she continued to mutter, "Plus it would ruin my credit rating."
Kakashi's mouth twitched. "So what would you like me to do?"
"Well you see, they've also got something you might be interested in."
Her fresh smile was a little unnerving, causing Kakashi inclined his head.
"They've also taken Hinata," Tsunade told him and watched carefully as the muscles in Kakashi's face seemed to stiffen fractionally. "She's unharmed and they say she's free to go. All they're interested in is keeping the pig because they don't want to provoke a physical response. But of course Hinata won't leave TonTon to their mercy and has decided to stay and watch over the, ehm, exchange."
"So you intend to pay them," Kakashi asked, taking it all in.
"Of course I don't intend to pay them. Do you think I have that kind of money?" she asked looking at him as though he were an idiot. "No, I intend for you to go over there and make them an offer they can't refuse."
.
.
"So you won't tell me where TonTon is?" she tried asking again. The man hadn't done much since the letter had been sent aside from visiting his partners location, outside her range of seeing, and perusing his way through an old looking book.
He didn't even look up. "Do I look like a moron to you? Fuck no."
Hinata scowled, hugging her legs to her chest. Sure she was free to go, but like hell was she leaving TonTon behind. "For a religious man, you do swear a lot."
Hidan let out a derisive snort. "Your village trains young kids to wage war and assassinate people. But you turn your nose up at the word fuck because it's obscene. The fucking horror."
She really didn't have an answer for that. But as Hinata was stuck there, waiting for the Hokage's reply, she figured she might as well learn what she could about her captures. "Well then… why don't you tell me a little about your religion?"
The man stilled and looked up. His face brightened instantly. "Oh yeah? Seriously, you're interested?" He paused. "Hey, you wouldn't happen to be a virgin, would you?"
Hinata felt her face grow red. "W-why do you ask?"
"Because," he smiled. "I don't really give a shit about that money obsessed fuck, but I do have only one day to find myself a virgin to help out tomorrow's ceremony. And Lord Jashin believes in returning favors. I may be inclined to help you, you and your little pig too."
Hinata frowned, wondering at just why he would need a virgin. "E-even if I was, you wouldn't have any proof unless…" She paused with horror as a thought dawned on her. "P-please don't kill or rape me."
Why else would he need a virgin?
"Oh, get over it, will you?" he scoffed. "I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. Lord Jashin doesn't allow it." Hinata's mouth dropped as Hidan sneered at her in disgust. "Honestly, you kunoichi and your arrogance, you think I want to soil myself by trying to get in your pants? And as for proof, all I need is a bit of your blood. But knowing you, you'd probably think I want to drink it."
Hinata had the decency to look abashed. "M-my blood?"
"Yeah, and you should be thanking me too," he said and then fished a vial out of his pocket. He handed it over to her along with a kunai. "Kakuzu wanted to just quit and make up the money selling your eyes, but I said, 'fuck no, this chicks definitely not some skank to be sold for your heathenish ways'. There, just put a few drops in there and I'll be able to test it."
Hinata frowned, taking the objects and more than a little disturbed at what could have become of her fate. Could he be serious? Was he willing to betray his partner just for her help tomorrow? He was even handing her a weapon with no care at all.
Well, she thought, bring the knife to her thumb, it couldn't hurt.
A smile crept its way across Hidan's face and Hinata was suddenly unsure of her decision. But it was already done and she could see no reason she could give him to back out. Cautiously, Hinata handed back the vial. He sniffed it carefully and his eyes narrowed even more, causing a shudder to run up her back.
"So you really are a virgin," he stated, pocketing the sample. Hinata slowly nodded her head. "Well then, all we have to do is wait for your little Konoha friends to show up. We know they're going to try something, we're not retarded after all, but with this I'm sure we can all come to a satisfactory agreement. You can keep the kunai, it's a lot more compact than the scythe, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it, you know?"
The girl gave him what she hoped was a placating smile as she tucked it away for future use.
"So you want to know about the true calling of Holy Jashinism? Well first let me tell you something, old age, it's the only disease that you don't look forward to being cured of, unless your cleric or you are wearing this symbol." Hidan touched the chain around his neck. "Tomorrow I'll show you what I mean."
.
.
It wasn't terribly hard for Kakashi to track down the two separate places they were keeping Hinata and the pig. The letter had told him where to initiate the terms with a certain Kakuzu. He was the one apparently holding the pig. Hinata however, would not know what was going on, and though they worded it as a simple insurance policy, it was clearly an unsaid threat. So after sending a shadow clone off to negotiate at the small rundown inn listed in the letter, he started to pursue the trail back into the woods to hopefully find Hinata.
It didn't take too long, and after crossing a bridge with a man rambling about the air speed velocity of a swallow, leaping through trees over a bog he'd deftly decided to name of eternal stench, and encountering one strange butterfly summon going on about a red bull, he finally found a cave where his nose told him Hinata was currently residing.
Sneaking in, he could hear a man's voice talking and every so often a small giggle. Kakashi scowled, prowling in closer. He'd never really paid Hinata that much mind before the other day but it was one of those moments, one of those incredibly rare moments, where when their hands touched, both reaching for that ever coveted red stapler, and their eyes locked, that you just knew, sex with this person would be incredible. Not that he voiced his theory to the shy, perpetually red faced girl, but he knew she could feel it. She just needed a little nudge.
"I'm telling you, if you build it, he will come."
"Lord Jashin's going to come to Konoha and bless us if we build him a temple?" Kakashi confusion only grew as he heard Hinata's incredulous response. "Surely you can't be serious."
"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley. Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death! The only thing Lord Jashin asks is for you to follow his ways and he'll end all suffering."
Kakashi began to close in, just seeing the two shapes in the distance. The man stiffened, and Kakashi knew his presence had been felt.
"Hinata, stay where you are," the man said, talking hold of a large red scythe and moving towards where Kakashi was concealed.
He watched, readying to fight as Hinata activated her Byakugan. The girl visibly relaxed.
"It's alright," she called. "Kakashi sensei, you can come out. Hidan and I were just working out a deal."
Kakashi, still suspicious, slowly detached himself from the shadows, being careful not to drop his guard. "A deal?"
"Yeah," Hidan answered with a grin and going back to stand by the girl. "The virgin says she can help me tomorrow and that Konoha may grant sanctuary, allowing me to set up a mission for the spread of Jashinism. In return, I get you the pig and help you kill my partner."
Kakashi's eyes narrowed while Hinata's face reddened. He did not take kindly to the other man's choice of words. And he sounded far too easy at the idea of turning against his comrade. "You realise you speak treason."
"Fluently," Hidan answered, continuing to smirk.
"Hinata, would you come stand over here?" Kakashi called to her, feeling not at all comfortable with their current set up.
"She's fine where she is."
Kakashi scowled. "Nobody puts Hinata in a corner."
Hinata's eyes locked with his and she gave him a timid, grateful smile before moving to stand with him.
"Hello gorgeous," he whispered so only she could hear.
Hidan looked at them oddly before sneering, "What's with the mask? I know why Kakuzu wears his, he's an ugly fuck. But what were you? Burned by acid or something like that?"
"Oh no, it's just that they're terribly comfortable," Kakashi replied, stepping so he was slightly in front of Hinata. "I think everyone will be wearing them in the future."
Hinata smiled, and inched closer to his side.
"So do we have a deal? I need the girl by tomorrow."
Again Kakashi appraised the man before him. "Hinata and I will discuss matters tonight, after we hear what your partner has to say."
Hidan shrugged.
"Y-you seem awfully trusting," Hinata called over. "What if we get your partner to turn on you?"
Kakashi blinked down at the girl, wondering why she was warning him.
The grin Hidan shot back at them did nothing to alleviate Kakashi's nerves. "Well you see, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers." Kakashi stared. "That and I have insurance. Run along now."
Hidan waved his hands, as though shooing them away. Not at all liking those words, Kakashi and Hinata slowly backed out of the cave and made their way to where Kakashi planned to set camp, quite a good distance from the two locations.
.
.
"So you won't budge on the amount of payment?" Kakashi's clone asked.
Kakuzu sat across from him, unimpressed. "No."
"Your collectors are being unreasonably greedy."
Kakuzu's already stoic face hardened. "Greed, for lack of a better word, is good." The pig running around the room took that moment to lift its hooves to the man's leg, whimpering a quiet oink in hunger. "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty pig," he growled, kicking his leg.
Kakashi's jaw tightened. "You know, I can help you with that."
"Do you think we're stupid? Konoha has sent The Copy Ninja to deal with a simple money exchange. We do not take threats lightly."
Kakashi raised his hands. "No threat was intended."
The man continued to stare. "By now my partner would have collected our, insurance policy. Try to steal the pig and we can end your kunoichi's life from anywhere in the world at any time."
A cold chill swept over the room and when Kakashi finally spoke it was with a voice thick with controlled emotion. "For someone claiming to possess intelligence, that was an incredibly stupid thing to say."
"We will not be cowed by Konoha's corrupt leaders. I think it is you who should think carefully about the situation." Kakuzu stood from his chair. "If that is all, go back to your Hokage and don't come back without the money."
Kakashi stood too. "This isn't over."
"No," Kakuzu agreed and then paused. "Because nothing ends."
.
.
End of Part One