Summary: Christmas with the Avengers is a dangerous business, especially for one Clint Barton. Poor Clint will have to suffer through many pranks and hardships before this Christmas is over.

Something was brewing. Snow, to be precise. The sky was dark and gloomy in the late hours of the day, and Clint just knew it was going to snow later. Looking up and around, he observed the decorations adorning the houses around him. How beautiful they were. What festive spirit. What-

Clint did not like Christmas.

From his perch on top of a rather large tree (he would not admit that it was a Christmas tree) he could see the rest of the Avengers howling with laughter at his expression.

"You make a rather good star." Stark remarked from where he was standing at the bottom of the tree.

"Piss off." Came the reply. This only made them laugh harder. Thor's booming laugh was easily identifiable.

"Archer Clint, why does this upset you so? We are only in a playing mood. After all, it is the holiday you Midgardians call 'Christmas'." Thor received a scowl.

"I don't celebrate Christmas." Clint ground out through gritted teeth.

"Then why have you allowed us to dress you up like a fairy?" It was true. The costume even had wings and a wand. Clint had been knocked out by one of Tony's custom made tranquilisers and been put in the outfit against his will. And that wasn't even the worst part. He was stitched into it. Not through skin, of course. If they did that, they would have some serious explaining to do to SHIELD. No. They had sown the parts of the costume together so that Clint could not get out of the outfit unless he cut it. And then they had hidden all possible sharp objects that could've been used for this purpose. So that was why Clint was on top of the tree. To hide from his so-called 'friends'. Who were also dressed in ridiculous outfits.

At that moment, just to make everything better, Natasha walked into the room, dressed in her SHIELD uniform. Looking up at him, she said:

"Probably not the best place to hide considering your current attire, Agent Barton." This was met by a glower and cries of laughter. Clint held his head up high and tried to ignore what Natasha had just implied. Far below him, Bruce tried to placate him.

"Clint, come down. It will be pleasanter for everyone. Just saying." The laughter started up again as Clint began to slowly descend from his perch. As he reached the bottom, he was met by Tony, who looked him up and down and snickered loudly. Clint narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth to prepare a sarcastic remark. But before he could, he was interrupted by loud laughter from the general direction of the rest of the Avengers. Glancing over, he saw identical smiles on the faces of Bruce, Natasha and Steve.

"What?" He asked, worried. There came no reply for a few moments. Beside him, Tony shrugged. Apparently, he had no idea what was going on either.

"Umm, guys... look up." Natasha said finally, not attempting to hide her grin. Apprehensively, Tony and Clint both looked up.

"Oh crap." Clint said. "Why me?" He complained. Thor frowned.

"I do not understand. What is so important about those white berries?" Leaning over, Bruce whispered for a few moments in Thor's ear, during which Thor's grin appeared and grew bigger. Clint inched away from Tony, realisation quickly replaced by horror.

"No no no no no no." He said. "No. No. No. No no no no. Nope. Not happening. Nada. Nein. Non. HeΤ. Nᾶo. Nie. Nu. No!" Tony wiggled his eyebrows at Clint, who immediately turn and tried to sprint out of the room. But unfortunately for him, Thor stopped him simply by placing a very large hand on his shoulder.

"I am sorry, Archer Clint. But you must follow through with this."

"Why, exactly?" Thor just grinned, pushing him back over to where Tony was still standing with that ridiculous jumper. "I am not doing this. I repeat, I am no- aah!" Thor had pushed Clint right up to Tony, who pursed his lips at him and leant forward. Clint jerked back. "Not happening. Tony, please! I'm not gay!"

"Are you sure?" Tony asked, raising his eyebrows at him.

"Yes! I am completely, 100% sure that I do not want to do this! Go away!" Clint shoved the approaching Tony away from him, as hard as he could. Tony, expecting this, just rocked back and stayed on his feet, to Clint's disappointment. The remaining Avengers congregated around the pair, forcing them ever closer. Clint, shaking his head, stayed as far away from Tony as he could. Tony, on the other hand, was quite enjoying seeing Clint so uncomfortable, and made kissing noises at Clint, whose face was getting quite red by now.

Finally, Clint, hating all the attention focused on him and knowing there was no possible way out of this situation except to do what everyone wanted, darted forward and pecked Tony on the cheek. Tony grinned at him as Bruce said:

"Not good enough. On the lips, Barton." Clint's face went as red as a beetroot as his eyes widened in dread.

"Oh no. No way. Not happening in a million years. Let me out!" He yelled, trying to break through the ring of people around Tony and himself, to no avail.

"Sorry, Barton, but you're the one who stood underneath the mistletoe!"

"Not on purpose!" Clint shouted at Natasha. She smirked at him as Tony began his advance. Stalking his prey, he waited for the right moment to pounce. And when he did, it was very unexpected. Clint pushed ineffectively at Tony's chest as the wolf whistles and cat calls around them escalated. But eventually, Tony released Clint, winking at the assassin as he did so.

"Call me." Tony said. Clint snarled wordlessly at the billionaire and finally managed to run away. The group of friends burst into laughter at the sight of Clint, dressed in a girly fairy outfit, attempting to stalk out of the room.

As he left, Steve turned to Tony.

"I still don't get your jumper." Tony's jumper said:

You can pull my cracker (with an arrow pointing down, of course).

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Marvel! Don't sue me!

Ok, this was a dare from my friend BlackestSlytherin. She dared me to write a Christmas Avengers one-shot/two-shot/three-shot, depending on how much I wrote. It had to be really sarcastic, since it's all about Clint, have no OC, no script, and had to be about Christmas. There were other criteria, but I'll tell you all about them at the end. In the meantime, try and guess what they were.

What did you think? Did I do ok? Please leave a review, no flames, and tell me what you thought of this.

There will be another chapter, as I haven't included all of what I was told so, so look out for that.

Oh, if anyone is interested about what languages Clint was saying no in, there are as follows (from Nein): German, French, Russian, Portuguese, Polish, Romanian

See you next time!

-Nardhwentheelf