A/N: Finally got round to posting the first part of my Christmas fic, later than planned but things have been so hectic this is the only time I've managed to get it written! It's basically an AU of last year's Christmas ep (s19 e11, The Nightmare Before Christmas) because I always felt like there was something missing after Jac walked away from Jasmine (and we deserved to see them make up and enjoy Christmas together). This is probably going to be a twoshot, so there should be another chapter going up in the next week or so! Wasn't really sure how to end this one, but the second half is already planned out so never fear.
Hope you all enjoy, I think we deserve some sisterly Christmas fluff to make up for everything that's happened (Emma and Jonny will of course be making an appearance in the next part too!) Please leave a review/send me a message (tumblr is jasminesnaylor if you'd rather contact me there or have any suggestions/requests/prompts), they really do mean SO much to me and make all the hard work worthwhile!
Happy early Christmas! xo
"I'm glad you came tonight, Jac," Sacha said gently. The two were seated at a small table in the corner of Albie's, each nursing a glass of red wine, watching as their colleagues danced around the pub to an endless stream of Christmas songs.
Jac raised her eyebrows.
"I wasn't going to – you know social gatherings aren't really my scene. But after today…" she trailed off. "I know the scans came back clear, and obviously I'm relieved about that. But to be honest, I didn't want to go back to my flat and be alone tonight. Emma's staying at Jonny's, and… I don't know. It's been a hell of a day," she sighed.
"I know," Sacha agreed. "And I'm glad you chose to surround yourself with friends instead of isolating yourself. I know it doesn't come easy for you, but company does wonders for the soul." Jac rolled her eyes.
"If you weren't here I'd be losing my mind. You're the only one of these idiots that gets me."
"Ah, well I'm pleased to know my special Naylor powers come in handy," Sacha grinned, nudging Jac playfully as she chuckled. Sipping her wine, she looked him directly in the eye.
"Look, I owe you an apology for how I acted earlier. I was-"
"Lashing out because you were scared, like you always do. I get it, Jac, I know how you work. I didn't take it personally." He shot her a sympathetic glance, at which she shook her head.
"That doesn't make it right, though. You were only being supportive, and god knows I needed someone in my corner today. I'm sorry," she replied.
"Apology accepted," her best friend's eyes twinkled.
"I'm serious, Sacha. I don't know what I would've done without you today. Even though I was a complete cow, you were there for me. I can't thank you enough." Looking visibly touched, Sacha reached out to stroke her arm.
"Like I said earlier, that's what friends are for," he reminded her. "Anyway, we should be celebrating! It's Christmas, you're all clear, what more could we ask for?" Jac smiled, endlessly grateful that she'd somehow found herself someone like Sacha to rely on.
As the party ramped up a notch and her colleagues got progressively drunker, the redhead found herself dwelling on another thing that had happened that day – her argument with Jasmine. Well, technically it couldn't even be classed as such, seeing as she'd walked away from the junior doctor without saying a word, but that was beside the point. Although she tried to ignore it, she couldn't help but feel bad for the way she'd treated the girl. Her emotions had been all over the place waiting for the test results, and to be honest she hadn't listened to a word Jasmine was saying. Instead she'd sat there blankly, one phrase repeatedly swimming around her head.
I might have cancer.
As she'd watched Jasmine's frustration at her grow by the second, Jac had felt the sudden overwhelming urge to blurt out what was wrong. To share her secret with the one person she'd spent months trying to protect herself against. She still didn't know why, or how, that feeling had suddenly reared its head, but the words had been on the tip of her tongue, emotion swirling in her vacant eyes. But just as she was about to speak, she'd realised what a terrible mistake it would be. How terrifying the prospect of Jasmine knowing her secret was.
So she'd done the only thing she could think of – she ran.
She'd heard Jasmine shouting after her retreating back, heard the anger in her voice, but couldn't bring herself to look back, and it wasn't until she'd reached the stairwell that Jac had noticed the salty tears trickling down her cheeks.
The funny thing was, Jac mused, that if Jasmine had caught her at a better time their exchange might have gone very differently. She felt strangely touched that the younger woman had made the effort to buy Emma a Christmas present despite not having any contact with her – it was a lovely sentiment, if somewhat presumptive. After all, how would she explain it to her daughter?
But, then again, didn't Jasmine have a point? Just because the two of them didn't exactly have a normal sisterly relationship, didn't mean that Emma should suffer because of it. It was only a present, and Jac knew it would make the child happy (and Jasmine too, said a voice in the back of her mind, although she tried to ignore it).
Snapping back to reality, Jac knew what she had to do in order to start to make things right.
"I think I've left one of Emma's presents in my office so I'm going to run back and get it," she hurriedly told Sacha, shooting him an apologetic glance. "And then I think I'm going to head off. I'm on an early shift tomorrow, and we still have loads to sort out before the big day arrives."
Sacha pulled a face. "You can't leave me here with these guys! I'm far too sober to handle their dance moves right now."
"Well then, you've got a lot of catching up to do," she smirked. "Go on, enjoy yourself. You deserve it, Sacha Levy." Giving him a fond smile, she patted his shoulder as she wrapped her coat tighter around herself. "I'll see you tomorrow. Try not to be too hungover." He winked in reply.
"Now I can't promise that, Naylor," he chuckled. "Go on, get yourself home. See you in the morning."
Jac braced herself to step back out into the cold winter air as she made her way out of the lift, the silver bag containing Emma's present swinging gently in her hands. Despite it being the night before Christmas Eve, the café was almost empty, a couple of bored-looking children and exhausted parents the sole occupants.
It wasn't until she glanced across the room that her eyes fell on the solitary figure hunched in the far corner, tucked away from prying eyes. The combination of messy blonde hair and burgundy scrubs alerted Jac instantly to the fact there was only one person it could be.
She couldn't see Jasmine's face from where she was standing, but as she watched the blonde holding her head in her hands the redhead felt a sharp pang of concern, wondering what had happened to make her sister forgo the party and hide out on her own. Before Jac even realised what she was doing, her feet had begun to carry her across the room.
"Jasmine?"
At the sound of her voice, Jasmine's head snapped upright. She hurriedly brushed at the tears that had been trickling down her cheeks, but not before Jac had noticed, which made her instantly defensive.
"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in Albie's by now?"
"I could ask you the same," she said pointedly. The younger woman did nothing but glare at her, so Jac sighed. "I was, but I came back to get something. I was just leaving when I saw you, and I thought something must be wrong…" Jac trailed off, unable to explain just why she'd felt compelled to check up on the younger woman despite them not being on speaking terms.
Jasmine scoffed.
"Oh, so now you care that I'm upset? That's funny, I could've sworn you blatantly ignored me when I tried talking to you earlier. You know, I don't even know why I came to find you because I knew full well that you'd blow me off, just like you always do. But I was having such a shitty day, and I really just needed to feel close to my sister. Guess I should have listened to my head instead of my heart," she replied bitterly, shaking her head.
"Look," Jac interrupted, "I'm sorry about earlier. You caught me at a really bad time. I know that doesn't excuse how I acted, but it's the truth."
"We all have bad days, Jac," Jasmine shook her head in frustration. "But we don't all go around lashing out at other people because we can't handle it. Some of us like to actually be comforted, you know? My day was crap from start to finish, not that you'd care! I ruined Dr Mayfield's research and now he hates me and so does Dom, and I'm spending Christmas alone because everybody hates me, and my own sister doesn't want to know me-"
"I thought I had cancer."
The redhead couldn't bear to listen to Jasmine's rambling any longer, the truth spilling from her lips almost unconsciously. She felt instantly relieved at getting it off her chest, but as soon as she'd spoken the words Jac realised there was no going back. After months of doing everything to push her away, she'd just let her sister in on her biggest secret. Let her see the real Jac, not infallible, not indestructible. A real person with feelings, facing battles that she no longer had the energy to fight alone.
"W-what?"
Jasmine's mouth dropped open in shock, eyes widening in a way that would be almost comical were the subject not so serious. "Shit, Jac. I'm sorry."
The concern in her tone was evident as she spoke, all anger having melted away, and for the first time Jac realised just how much her sister cared about her, even after everything they'd been through. She wasn't sure if it was the first time Jasmine had shown it, or just the first time she'd let herself acknowledge it, but either way it felt strange – in a good way.
"Don't be," she replied, pulling out a chair and sitting down opposite Jasmine. "I got the results back a couple of hours ago and I'm all clear. Nothing to worry about, luckily."
The blonde visibly relaxed, exhaling deeply. "Oh, thank god," she breathed. "God, you scared me. I know we barely even have a relationship to speak of, but…" she paused, wondering how far she could push the subject. "Well, I've only just found you - I can't lose you now."
Automatically, Jac reached out and placed a hand over hers, shocking them both by her actions. She couldn't explain it herself – she rarely initiated physical contact with anyone, let alone somebody she'd tried so hard to push away – but in that moment she needed the comfort, the feeling of not being quite so alone, and she knew Jasmine did too.
"I'm not going anywhere, don't you worry," she quipped, trying to keep the conversation light. The corners of Jasmine's mouth quirked up as she struggled to tear her eyes away from the way their hands interlinked, trying to absorb every last detail of the moment before it was snatched away.
"What happened? I mean, why did you think you had cancer?" the blonde asked in confusion, immediately regretting it as a shadow passed over Jac's eyes. "Sorry, you don't have to tell me. I shouldn't have asked, it's none of my business," she babbled, pulling her hand away before Jac could do the same.
The redhead could see the fear in Jasmine's eyes of being shut out once more, and it was at that exact moment she realised just how badly her continued dismissal and rejection had hurt her sister. Seeing how afraid the girl was of the damage she could do sent a pang through Jac's heart – although she'd wanted to hurt Jasmine in some twisted way, to get back at her for something that truthfully wasn't even her fault, seeing the effect she'd had made her realise how awful she'd been. She had to try to make things right, even if it meant facing her own fears and confronting the truth. They couldn't carry on like this any longer. It wasn't fair on either of them.
Steeling herself, Jac closed her eyes, lowering her voice so that nobody else would hear. "No, it's fine. But not a word of this to anyone, okay?" She warned, waiting until Jasmine nodded before continuing.
"Long story short, I thought I was pregnant, but when I went for a scan it turned out there was no baby, just a load of cysts. Then I collapsed in theatre, they had to operate and managed to remove the cysts but I was told they might be cancerous. It's just been a waiting game until now."
"How long ago was this?" Jasmine questioned her sister.
"About two weeks since it all started. Which is why I've been even more of a hard-faced cow than usual lately."
"I'm sure everyone missed your usual sweetness and light," the blonde teased, trying to ease the mood. The redhead shot her a warning glare, but there was no malicious intent behind it. In fact, she looked rather amused at the younger woman's comment.
"So let me get this straight," Jasmine continued. "You've known for two weeks that you might have cancer?" Jac nodded. "And you've been going through all of this on your own?"
"Not really. I told Sacha. He's been brilliant, even though I've treated him awfully. I don't know why he puts up with it," Jac replied.
Jasmine smiled sadly. "I wish I'd have known. I could have tried to help, been there for you," she lamented, but Jac shook her head fiercely.
"No, I wouldn't have let you," she stated. "I would never have told you. Don't you get it? I never let people see me at my weakest. It terrifies me what they could do with that, how they could use it against me. I'd rather suffer alone."
"Isn't that lonely, though?"
"Loneliness is all I've ever known. I can cope with that. It's intimacy that scares me. Love, and trust."
Jac's words pained Jasmine; she spoke so bluntly, like she was resigned to the fact that she'd never have that intimacy with anyone. But then, Jasmine couldn't help thinking, why is she opening up to me now? If she doesn't want me in her life, why is she letting me in on her secret?
"You say that, yet for some reason you're here, talking to me even though said you wanted nothing to do with me. Telling me all the things you've been keeping to yourself for fear of getting hurt. So what's changed, Jac? Why now?"
The redhead looked her sister in the eyes, the emotions she'd been trying to suppress rising to the surface as she did so.
"I don't know."
Jac sounded so uncertain of herself that it shocked Jasmine, her usual brash confidence nowhere to be seen. It was like she was seeing her for the first time, a completely different Jac to the persona she normally hid behind.
"You know, when you walked into my office earlier it was like a switch flipped inside my head. All of a sudden, I wanted nothing more than to tell you everything. You have no idea how close I came to blurting it out right there. I was looking at you and suddenly it hit me - you're my sister. And all I wanted was to reach out and let you in.
Maybe it's the shock of thinking I had cancer, I don't know. But something changed, and I realised that all this time I've been trying to push you away because I've been too afraid to admit that what I really want is to have a relationship with you. And that scared me half to death. Still does. But I'm tired of running and pretending everything's okay when it's not."
Jac came to an abrupt halt, the words having tumbled from her mouth before she had time to think them through.
"So here we are. You know the truth, and I have no idea what happens next."
She was already beginning to regret spilling her feelings all at once – what if Jasmine threw it back in her face, used her weaknesses against her as revenge for the way the redhead had treated her? I wouldn't blame her, Jac thought. I deserve it. Before she could open her mouth to backtrack, however, the blonde spoke.
"Well, there's an easy way to find out," Jasmine smiled nervously. "We start afresh, and give ourselves another chance at finding a way through this. We try to figure out how to be sisters. I know it's scary, Jac, and I know there's a part of you screaming to run and protect yourself. But I also know that you need this just as much as I do."
She paused, waiting with baited breath for Jac's reaction. Jasmine knew that if the answer was no this time around, it would be one rejection too far. She couldn't go through it again – this was their last chance. Looking into her sister's eyes, Jasmine could see the conflicted emotions flitting across her face, hoping desperately that Jac would say the words she wanted to hear more than anything in the world.
"Ok," she spoke quietly, causing Jasmine's eyes to fly wide open once more. "I want this. I want us… to try and be sisters, properly this time. I'm not promising anything, but I'm willing to try. It is Christmas, after all."
Jasmine couldn't help the grin that spread across her face.
"I know it won't be easy, but neither of us have done this before, right?" she reminded Jac. "I'm sure we'll find a way to muddle through it together, we just need to try. And we can take it all at your pace, don't worry."
The two exchanged small smiles, both caught up in their own emotions. Finally, after months of turbulent feelings, they were getting somewhere. However, before they could relish the moment any longer Jac's phone began to buzz.
"It's Jonny," she rolled her eyes as she read the message. "He forgot to pick one of Emma's presents up so he wants me to go on my way home, and the shop closes in half an hour," she sighed. "I'm going to have to dash, sorry."
"It's okay," Jasmine smiled. "You get going."
"I don't want you sitting here feeling sorry for yourself all night," Jac warned as she gathered her things. "Get yourself over to Albie's. The party will be going on for hours yet, you shouldn't miss it."
"Do you know what, I think I might," the blonde nodded determinedly. As Jac moved, the silver bag she was holding came into Jasmine's view making the younger woman gasp.
"You changed your mind then?" she asked hopefully, earning a playful eyeroll from her sister.
"That's what I came back for. I realised that no matter what was going on between us, it wasn't fair on you or Emma if I didn't take it. You are her auntie, after all, and it's a lovely gesture. I really do appreciate it, and I'm sure she'll love it" Jac replied sincerely.
"Well I'm glad you did come back, or none of this would have happened," Jasmine smiled bashfully. "It's nothing much, I just wanted to get her a little something. Children deserve to know they're loved, especially at Christmas." The poignancy of the comment didn't go unnoticed by the older woman, reassuring her once more that she'd made the right decision.
After saying their goodbyes, Jasmine sat contemplating what on earth had just happened. After months of heartache and disappointment, her sister was finally letting her into her life instead of pushing her away. Wow, Christmas really is a time for miracles, she thought to herself.