smile

Title: Smile
Author: Esme
Date: ??
Category: ??

Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with Water Rats. The characters in this story that you recognise probably belong to Hal McElroy, Southern Star and the Nine Network. If there are characters you do not recognise, then they belong to me [so don't steal them unless you ask me first].

Author's notes: we had heard that Rachel's diary was featured at the end of an episode after she had died. So there was a challenge out to write one or more diary entries... and this is what I came up with. I think I'm pretty proud of this one too...





--
Smile
--


"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile, there may be tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through, if you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile


Jack sank slowly down into the couch. He turned the book over in his hands. It was just a simple notebook - it had bright colours and groovy flowers on it. He didn't think that was Rachel's style, but there was obviously a lot he didn't know about her. Maybe this would tell him more. He felt awkward and intrusive reading her diary, but her father had given it to him and obviously expected him to read it. So he took a deep breath and opened it to the first page


**
Well I filled up my old book, so I got this new one. It's pretty cute isn't it? Well it's not my usual style but I just grabbed it at the newsagent. I never used to think that I'd be the diary-keeping type, but it seems to be a good way to unwind and get all my feelings out. I've had a pretty stressful sort of week, but what's new? Well there's something that's not really new, but I hadn't noticed it until now. My baby's growing up.

We had quite a full day today, but we finally wrapped up this case that seems to have been going for weeks. Then David and I were discussing what we were going to eat for dinner when Frank turned up at the door with a nice bottle of red and some pizzas. Davy grabbed the pizza and had eaten most of it before I even had a chance to get glasses for the wine. Then he went off to his computer games again and Frank looked at me and said "He's really growing up isn't he? He's certainly taller than when I last saw him." I just smiled and agreed and glowed with pride but I didn't think much of it. But just now when I finally kicked Frank out and went in to look at Davy I realised he is growing up. His body looked so long under the sheets, not curled up and sucking his thumb like he used to. One day he'll be all grown up and I won't even recognise him. But I don't want that day to come, I couldn't bear to part with him. He's still my little baby
**


Jack shut the book and blinked back a tear. That poor kid. She'd loved him like nothing else, and now he was left with only his no-good father. He remembered the last time Rachel had seen David. They had been driving along and she said "There's just one more thing I've gotta do". So they'd stopped off at David's school and Jack watched them walking together, the perfect picture of mother and son. Then she said goodbye to him, and Jack had commented that he was a good kid. "Yeah," replied Rachel, "he's the love of my life."

Jack shuddered. Memories of his last day with Rachel were still painful to him. Actually not just the memories of her last day, but any memories of Rachel sent a twinge through his heart. But he pushed the emotion back and opened the book again.


**
Frank has found yet another woman who can't resist his charms, or more likely he can't resist hers. I don't know why he does it. He goes off and gets his heart broken and then he goes and finds someone else to break his heart. I know he doesn't fall in love with all of them, but he's been serious about quite a few.

Not that I care. He can fall in love with as many people as he wants to, but he's my friend and I don't like seeing him get hurt. I've found it's so much easier to keep my distance from any potential men. I can still have fun, have a fling here and there. I've had my heart broken enough times, I don't think I'll ever be falling in love again. I've already done it plenty of times before.

There was Jonathon of course, well he was a lawyer - what did I expect? I was so young back then, too young. Losing him didn't bother me that much, he was a prick. But he did break my heart by taking away my baby. Then I suppose there was John. That was a bit of a surprise, I never thought he'd be corrupt. I guess I also never thought that I'd shoot my fiance. There are some memories I wouldn't mind wiping out. But he's made it so hard for me to trust people now. And Michael, but I think I probably broke his heart, rather than he broke mine. Listen to all this talk of breaking hearts. But it's safe in here. How embarrassing if anyone ever read it!
**


Jack felt the sun streaming in through the window. He tried to turn over but all the muscles in his body rebelled. He must have slept in an awkward position. He opened his eyes and realised he had slept on the couch. Rachel's diary had dropped onto the floor. He picked it up and was tempted to read some more, but didn't because he was going to be late for work.

He got home and collapsed onto the couch again after a late night at the bar. He opened the book once more and read on


**
Frank is so infuriating. I just want to slap him. I suppose he is probably my best friend. Him and Helen. But there are times when I really could live without him
**


Jack flipped through the pages as the jealousy started to rise up. Frank, Frank, Frank. Was that all she ever wrote about? Well, to be fair there was probably more about David than Frank, but Jack wasn't really thinking rationally. There hadn't even been a mention of him so far. Then Jack looked at the dates and realised that their first little fling would probably have been in her previous book. Wearily he put the book down and went off the bed.
~~~~
The next night he was home early and he sat down again and kept flipping through the pages trying to find some mention of himself. Then he suddenly stopped.

But it wasn't because he saw his own name. The page he had stopped at was blurred. It was still readable, but the ink had run. It didn't look like someone had spilt a glass of water, it was spotty, like raindrops or tears. Intrigued, Jack started reading at the beginning of the entry


**
He's gone. He just sailed away and left me on the pier crying. Oh God, why am I so emotional? You wouldn't think it would have such an effect on me, but it has. Damn you Francis Holloway.

An old friend of his died, and left him a yacht. So he got thinking about his own life and everything, and decided to sail off to Venezuela. So that's what he did. I mean, really, Venezuela? He just got up and left. He was my best friend. We were the perfect detective team. Why did he have to go and ruin it?

He asked me to go with him. Yeah sure Frank, I can't just leave all this. That was basically my response. And you know what he said? "This, all this will be here when you get back." So you can guess what I said to that - When *I* get back? "Well when you get back, when I get back, if anybody gets back, if we ever get back, if we don't get back - we don't get back. What've we got here?" Well that's easy for him to say, but I've got a house, a car, a job, and most importantly a son. I can't just up and leave.

But he was still determined to go. So I went around with a bottle of wine to say goodbye. We talked for ages. And somehow we got to talking about relationships. Actually I think I brought it up. I can still remember that conversation vividly.

I said that anything could happen and he could meet one of the Miss Worlds that Venezuela is so famous for. And then something inside me made me add 'I could meet someone'. Well he jumped at that one. He said "You'd tell me if you did, wouldn't you?" so I retorted with 'why, so you could give your approval?' But he nodded and said "something like that". And then my stupid heart started to beat faster and the question just popped out 'would you give it?' And he shook his head and said "nup".

And all the years of friendship and tension and hidden emotions just dropped away and I thought 'this is it'. And my mind was screaming NO!! And my heart was so confused it wasn't any help and my body just leaned in towards him and we were about to kiss when there was a knock at the door. And I didn't know whether to be relieved or annoyed. I just felt so confused.

It was Mick, and he was looking for me. I had to go of course, but I wasn't sure whether to smile gratefully at him or say 'Damn you Michael Riley'. Emotions and hearts, it's all just so so so confusing. Why does he get under my skin so much? Well he's gone now, so it doesn't matter.

Then this morning we just said goodbye just like old friends. Then he sailed off and I stood there and cried.
**


Jack put the book down and sighed. He didn't feel jealous, the jealousy had gone. He didn't know what he felt. He went out to the kitchen and came back with a cup of coffee. He picked up the book and continued on from where he had left off


**
Jack. That is who they replaced Frank with. Jack Christey. This is going to be long and hard. He's already asking me why I didn't answer his letters and phone calls. I don't know why. I can't handle this right now. I'm trying to adjust to not working with Frank, and I just don't need this on top of that. But I have to admit
**


Suddenly the phone rang and Jack almost jumped out of his skin. It was Helen. Of course, who else would it be? So he reluctantly put the book down and headed out to solve the latest crime.

When he came home he crashed into bed and was fast asleep before he even had a chance to remember that there was a book, or that Rachel had been about to admit something.

The next night he again picked up the book - this was becoming like a bedtime serial - and started to read from where he had stopped the night before. She had to admit


**
But I have to admit that I am so attracted to him. Why does this always happen? I'm always attracted to the wrong sorts of men. I know that cops and cops don't mix and if anything happened and Helen found out she'd be the first to remind me. Jack and I have had our one night stand, and it's not going to go any further than that.
**


Jack was finding this whole diary thing very weird, especially when reading about himself. But it was also quite amusing. Rachel had always been strong and determined and when she said something so final as "it's not going to go any further than that" she usually stuck to it like glue. But not this time. He kept reading and soon came across a day which he remembered so well


**
These past two days would have to be right up there as the worst days of my life. I have never been so worried and frightened and oh god, the anxiety. Jonathon is away skiing so I've had David all to myself which of course has been great. Then he was going on an excursion today on the harbour, so I dropped him off, and then when I got into the office Mick was going out to investigate some call about a school kid being kidnapped off a boat. And sure enough it was the same boat I'd just put my baby on. And when we got there, he was gone and no one knew where he was and his best friend JJ was gone as well. And I could have been sick.

Rebecca was panicking more than I was, well she was certainly panicking more on the outside, I was panicking a whole heap on the inside, but I was trying not to let it show. And then the teacher said that they only saw this guy take JJ, and well it turned out that the kidnapper was Rebecca's supposedly dead husband. Jacob had come to get his son.

Jeff made me come home and sit next to the phone which was not where I wanted to be. But Jack brought me home and I was so rude to him. I got a bit emotional and he tried to comfort me and I just told him to piss off. I've never seen a guy look so hurt. I told him that he was the last person I wanted to see me cry. So he left.

The next exciting news was that this Jacob guy was a professional killer, that made me feel a whole heap better. It was turning into a nightmare. Then in the evening Jack was over again and Helen brought some Thai food around and I phoned Jonathon and he basically said it was all my fault. Then when they left I fell asleep on Davy's bed and then I had nightmares and woke up sweating and gasping. Then I couldn't get back to sleep, and I didn't want to anyway. So I found myself playing his computer games and then suddenly I find myself being restrained by Jacob Solomon. But he wasn't there to hurt me, just to talk. So he told me what he wanted and then he left.

So I got Helen and Jack around and we spent half of today finding this guy, Hartley, that Jacob wanted and setting up a meeting. And then, god, it all went wrong. He said the boys were somewhere with a bomb that would go off at 3pm, unless he could get back to them. So I had to go and tell this to Jack, but as I walked off, apparently Hartley pulled a gun, so Jacob pulled a gun and I didn't know what was happening, and I was meant to be protecting Hartley, and I couldn't even see that he had a gun, so I fired at Jacob. And I shot him and he fell and he was dead.

Then I lost it. I became a complete emotional wreck. I'd just killed this guy, and only he knew where my baby was, locked up with a bomb. Anyway since this was only Jacob's second time in Australia we got Rebecca to tell us every place he'd been before. The only place that seemed possible was some house at Pittwater. There was no time left, so we rushed there and searched the house and there was nothing there. And I was dreading every second that went past. I was so frightened.

Then we realised it must be the boathouse, and I ran towards it and then there was an explosion. I just fell to the ground. I suppose I was instinctively ducking, but I felt like it had exploded straight through my heart. My whole life went into slow motion, the only thing that really mattered to me was there - in that boathouse that had just exploded. I was so sick with fear.

Everyone ran to the boathouse. It had just blown up, but it wasn't really burning. There was nothing. No sign of them. Then I noticed there was a boat upside down on the floor. We lifted it up and there they were, just like they were sleeping. It took quite a bit to wake them up but they were okay. The relief was amazing. I just wanted to kiss and cuddle him and hold him so tight that he could never go away. Davy has always been the most important thing in my life and I couldn't bear to lose him. It turned out it had been his idea to get under the boat, he said he learnt it off television.

Now I can't bear to let him out of my sight. I'm sitting in his room writing this. He looks so peaceful, just like this has been an ordinary day. This has not been an ordinary day and I don't ever want to go through this hell again.

I sort of apologised to Jack. He was here to make sure everything was all right, and he was about to leave so I said to myself 'Rachel Goldstein, swallow your pride'. So I told him that I appreciated him being there for me, which I do. He replied "oh, you didn't need it", but I said "Yes I did."

Writing all this out makes it seem distant and not real, but I'll never forget this. I have never been so worried or so anxious ever before in my life. Just the fear of losing what is most precious to me.
**


Because Jack wasn't a parent he couldn't really understand Rachel's motherly feelings, but he realised that she loved David more than he could comprehend. She must have been devastated about having to leave him permanently. And he must be devastated to have lost such a fantastic mum. Jack was certainly devastated to have lost such a fantastic partner and friend and what else had he lost? A lover?

He didn't know. He never could tell what they had, and she had wanted to talk, about 'us'. They were going to do it over the bottle of red. She'd already said to him that morning when they woke up together that she thought they should never do this again. But he'd bought the wine to celebrate how quickly they'd solved the case that morning, and he said that just because they weren't, didn't mean they couldn't have a drink together.

How differently things had gone to what they planned. The colour red was still vivid in his mind from that night, but it wasn't wine that haunted him night and day. It was blood, Rachel's blood.

He shook the morbid thoughts away and went and found the bottle of red that they hadn't drunk that night, and they would never drink it - not together. So he cracked it open by himself and since it was a Friday he sat there late into the night with his bottle of red and Rachel's diary


**
It's just been one of those days I guess. Nothing much really happened, apart from that we wrapped up another case. Jack still keeps going on about how we should be together. He can't take 'no' for an answer. But the thing that worries me is that he gets under my skin so much, and there are times when I think that maybe we should be together. But we can't. Work and pleasure don't mix. Rachel, this is not going to happen.
**


There were many entries, she seemed to write in her diary very frequently. And Jack was quite pleased with what he was reading in this half. There hadn't been a single mention of Frank since the entry about him leaving. But there were plenty of entries that mentioned himself. Then he came across another day that was vivid in his mind


**
This job. I love it, and I don't know what I'd do without it. But it does have a bad side. Yesterday and the day before were just two of those sorts of days. A body - well bits of a body were found out in these mangroves. It was quite funny coz Jack was scared to go in there, something about him being caught in some mangroves when he was 8. I didn't think Jack Christey was scared of anything. So there was this body, so we investigated. Anyway we questioned this guy Geoffrey Cooper and he was as innocent as a baby. Then later in the afternoon we went to find him again and he had mysteriously disappeared.

Anyway so I was just going to come home and have a nice relaxing evening, but somehow Jack managed to convince me to go and have a drink. So really it's all his fault. It was quite amusing though, coz he spent the whole time telling me he thought about having sex with me all the time and trying to convince me that I thought about having sex with him all the time. He is so conceited. I'll admit in here that I have thought about having sex with him maybe twice since we did it, but not all the time. And I would never admit that to him anyway. Then I left, but I remembered that we'd come in his oh so clean car. So when he finally comes out, we get into the car and suddenly I have a knife at my throat and we've just been kidnapped by Cooper.

He makes Jack drive out into the bush, then he tied our wrists together and puts us in the boot. After driving for another two hours he kindly let us out and then just drove off. So we're sitting there, we have no idea where we are, he took our guns, he smashed our phones, and I really just wanted to have a quiet evening at home.

Then the nightmare began. The guy was psychotic. He was firing little spiked metal balls at us, and he was chasing us through the bush. He was hunting us. Jack and I are still basically handcuffed and we're being shot at and chased through the bush at night. Then he just suddenly went away. And we ended up falling asleep, and then when we woke up he was there standing over us. He kindly gave us breakfast so we could keep up our strength, and he admitted to killing the guy we'd found in the mangroves. Of course since he told us that he really did have to kill us. But being the kind person he was, he cut the thing tying us together and gave us twenty seconds to get away.

So once again we were running through the bush from this madman, and we came to the mangroves where the body had been found. Well Jack didn't want to go in there but I forced him to. Then I was about to pick up a stick to have some sort of weapon, when Cooper was suddenly there, right above me. Then there was Jack and Cooper and me and I didn't know what was happening. Then I'm sure it was a miracle, but there was this metal stake in the middle of these mangroves and Jack pushed Cooper onto it like threading meat onto a skewer. And that was the end of that.

So then back at the office we got cleaned up and wrote our statements. Well I wrote mine, I'm not sure what Jack did. Then, well in the morning before we had been kidnapped Jack and I had been talking and he was going on about us being sensible adults and he said "I fancy you, and you fancy me, so what's stopping us." The guy has such a big ego. So I told him I didn't fancy him. Then Helen came up and looked at us suspiciously and later in the day she pulled me aside and said "You and Christey, dangerous waters" and the usual coppers and coppers don't mix. So I told her that nothing was going to happen between us.

But after we'd spent this traumatic time together out in the bush, well I don't know. He just gets to me so much and I had to go and see David, but I was standing there in the office and I was thinking about our conversation about thinking about having sex with him, and so I just kissed him and told him I'd be home by ten. So you can guess the rest. The strange thing is that I have absolutely no regrets or wishing it hadn't happened. So much for having a one night stand and it not going any further.
**


Jack smiled. At least she didn't have any regrets, that was a good start. But he wanted to know more. Did she? Well, did she love him like he loved her? He had serious doubts about that because he'd been holding her, and telling her that he loved her and all she could say was "is it Frank?". That phrase had haunted him since her death. The very last word she ever uttered was Frank. And he hadn't told anyone. No one else knew that the last word on her lips was her former partner's name.

The smile had faded from his face but he read on


**
Jack. Yes I know I seem to be writing about him all the time, but right now there seem to be only three things in my life that matter. David, my job, and Jack. Of course there's also Dad and Helen and all my other friends, but my whole world seems to revolve around those three things. Of course it revolves around David, I wouldn't have it any other way. And then my job, well that's what I do every day so I suppose my life revolves around that. But Jack. How did he manage to creep into the top three? How did he become the third most important thing in my life? But the strange thing is that I'm confused. I don't know if I want him there or not. Ordinarily I would immediately chuck him out, and that's what my head is telling me to do. He has no place there. But once again my stupid heart is telling me different.

I thought I'd already had my share of men, but maybe not. But I've got all the man I need in David. He's the love of my life and I don't need any other. Or do I? This is crazy, I'm here fighting with myself. Why does life have to be so complicated? I'd be fine if it was just me and David. Perfect. But I don't know, I might get lonely. And one day Davy will grow up and leave me. But I've got friends, do I really need someone special? But but but. But nothing. You've got an excuse for everything Rachel Goldstein. I think that maybe for once I might just sit back and go with the flow.
**


The smile returned to Jack's face. This was a side of Rachel he had never known. This was the woman who always knew exactly what she wanted and was always completely in control. And here she was confused, and arguing with herself because she didn't know what she wanted. But maybe she did know what she wanted


**
This is becoming a habit - Jack. If I'm not careful I'm going to lose count. It was just a one night stand, and now suddenly it's five one night stands. Am I kidding myself here? Sleeping with someone five times, is that more than just a fling? But I can't get involved. I can't commit myself again. Damn all the men who've hurt me before - this is their fault. I'm afraid. I'm scared of having a relationship. I've slept with this guy five times and I'm still calling it a one night stand. Rachel this is pathetic. I can't admit it to myself and I certainly can't admit it to him. He said something the other day about us and being in a relationship, and I just looked at him and said "Who says we're having a relationship?". Is this ever going to amount to anything or am I just leading him on by keeping on sleeping with him?

But I feel so damn good with him. Yes the sex is good, actually it's fantastic. But that's not what I meant. I just feel so good about myself when I'm with him. It seems correct, it just feels right. Does this mean I've found "the one"? I don't know. I thought I'd found "the one" with Jonathon, and then again with John, and even with Michael I thought maybe he was it. But this seems different. My head is still of course screaming NOOOOOO. I mean, this could never work. Could I really stand being with the same person all day and all night? If we really got serious we'd have to stop working together. But I like working with Jack. We make a good team. Not as good as Ahh but that bastard sailed off and left me so it can't have been real.
**


Jack felt confused at this sudden change of tone and abrupt ending. She couldn't even write his name? She hadn't mentioned him at all since the entry about him leaving, and now she almost did but it was as though she didn't want to. She sounded so bitter. Was this why she never ever mentioned him? She just wiped him out of her mind. Did he really hurt her so much that she was so angry and bitter towards him?

But Jack brushed the thoughts of Frank aside and focused on other parts of the entry. 'I feel so damn good with him. Yes the sex is good, actually it's fantastic.' Jack tried not to feel conceited but Well at least she had enjoyed the times they'd had together.

Jack stretched and yawned. The bottle of red was almost finished, and it was getting pretty late. But when he looked down at the book he realised there was only one entry left. It was dated two nights before Rachel had died. She hadn't been able to write in it the night before she died because they had spent that precious night together. 'The sixth in a string of one night stands' Jack thought dryly. He wasn't sure whether he'd end up shedding tears all over the diary, but he took another deep breath and started to read


**
This is going to sound like such a cliché and it really is not like me at all, but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, I guess you might call it 'soul searching'. And, well the first thing is Frank. I haven't even mentioned him since he left because I was so angry and so hurt. The way I was going I would have ended up a bitter twisted old woman. But it's not really his fault, he had his own life to live and he wanted me to go with him. He certainly tried pretty hard to convince me and so it was my choice. I can't spend the rest of my life blaming him. He was my best friend and I guess that's not ever going to change. If he came back I think he'd still be my best friend. So I think I've finally forgiven him and gotten rid of all my suppressed anger. And I do feel better.

And this is my next 'soul searching' thing, I also shouldn't blame him because if he hadn't left then I wouldn't have had to work with Jack again. And if I hadn't worked with Jack again then we wouldn't have had what we've got. And I seriously think that this is it. I've finally admitted to myself that this is not a string of one night stands, but it's more than that. I feel so strange writing all this but it seems right. I think that maybe he is the one. I think I think I love him.

Oh it feels good to have finally got that out of my system. I guess it must be true if it's down on paper. Actually I don't just think I love him, I do. I love him. Everything just seems perfect when I'm with him. I don't know, it's just like he said to me once, "you and me, we get on". But I'm never going to be able to admit this to him. I'm just not the type to have deep and meaningful talks and tell people about my feelings. And I mean, what would I say to him? "Um, Jack, I love you and I think we should take this relationship to a new level". Yeah right. He'd probably look at me and ask if I was feeling ill. I just don't know how he feels. I know he spent months trying to get me to sleep with him again, and since then we've been together quite a few times. But I don't know what he regards our relationship as, or what he wants it to be. Does he love me? I doubt it. He just wants the sex. But he's not that shallow, surely it must mean something to him.

I feel so out of control and this is not right. I'm always in control. I always know exactly what I want, but right now I just don't know. I just seem to be going with the flow and then seeing what happens. But that's new to me and I guess I'm enjoying it, but I'm also scared. But this is certainly a major step forward. I love him. That scares me but it also makes me feel so excited.

Love. I didn't think I had any more love to give. I thought that I loved David with all my heart and I didn't have room for anyone else. And I do love Davy with all my heart and he will always be THE most important thing in my life. No matter what happens with anyone else. But I do have room for other things as well as him. I think I wrote a little while back that the three most important things in my life were Davy, my job and Jack. Well after my period of soul searching that's changed.

My job is still important to me but I think I've realised that people are more important than anything else. So the top three now goes something more like this David, Jack, and then Dad and Helen and everyone else. What would Jack think if he knew he was the second most important thing in my life? This is all making me nervous, but I like it. I feel so content now.

I've forgiven Frank, I've admitted that I love Jack, and I've still got the same immense amount of love that I've always had for my precious baby.
**


Jack had tears in his eyes, but there was also a gentle smile on his face. She loved him. She really did. He wasn't sure whether he should be upset because they hadn't been able share their true feelings and have a much deeper relationship. But he realised they'd had their moment, and he shouldn't cry because it was over, but he should smile because it had happened.





--
finis!




did you like it? did you hate it? whatever you thought, I'd *love* to hear your feedback. any amounts of praise and adoration will be acceptedvbg, as will "constructive criticism" and I suppose un-constructive criticism will be accepted as well. this is the address, and it will only take you a minute or two erinwilson@trump.net.au
thanx heaps for enduring my literary attempts!!