Short crackfic here. AU. I only own myself, who makes an amazing guest appearance as a very normal teenager!

Kathy Stabler woke to hear the door slam. She shot up in bed. She grabbed a flashlight and stumbled into the hall, trembling from head to toe. It was times like this when she wished Elliot hadn't divorced her.

She saw a blonde head in the doorway, a black hat covering her eyes. "Kathleen?" she called.

"No," the girl called coldly, using a fake accent. "And I'm not Maureen or Lizzie. And if you call me Dickie or Eli, I'll slap you so hard that you won't know your own name. Because I'm female, contrary to popular belief. I'm also actually using proper grammar for once, and I'm rambling."

"Who are you?" Kathy demanded.

"Sherlock Holmes," the girl said sarcastically. She stalked closer to Kathy. "Don't call the cops. Unless it's your ex-husband. If it is, go ahead, and make sure he's shirtless."

"Who the hell are you?" Kathy spat.

"I'm... uh... Britney Spears?"

"Stop clowning around and tell me who you are," Kathy threatened. The girl snickered.

"Don't try to act scary. It makes you look even dumber than you already are."

Kathy glared at the tall teenager, who chuckled.

"Seriously. You're amusing me. You're a dumb blonde."

"You're blonde, too," Kathy yelled. The girl let out an angry scream and began jumping up and down, yelling random things. She threw several punches at the wall, and ran in circles shrieking before throwing herself on her stomach and kicking the floor.

"Why must you rub it in?" she screamed. "It's so awful!" She carried on for five minutes before standing up and calmly smirking. "So, will you come with me?"

"Hell no!"

The teenager jumped and grabbed Kathy's arms. "You are!" She grabbed the flashlight and struck Kathy in the head with it, knocking her unconscious. She dragged her to the car she had stolen and was too young to drive, and sped off to a secret location.

She dropped Kathy on a hard floor and plopped down in a chair and signed into eBay, which she had registered on a stolen credit card. She put an offer up for a large doll, not bothering to mention that it was a live person that she had kidnapped.

Kathy opened her eyes to see the younger blonde prancing in circles and laughing evilly. "What's going on?"

"I kidnapped you, dummy!"

"Let me go," Kathy growled.

"Tsk, tsk," the girl sighed. "Haven't we been through this before? You can't pull off the tough girl act. Only Olivia can." Kathy scowled at the mention of Olivia's name. The blonde leaned in close to Kathy.

"Never... scowl... about... Liv," she snarled. Kathy flinched. The teen nodded. "That's what I thought," she said darkly. She smiled. "Anyway! I know that your name is Kathy, you're over 40 and that yo and Elliot were divorced, but sadly he came back, and you two got it on, and BAM, Eli. But nobody believes that Eli's really Elliot's kid, because you're a lying slut, so I created an AU when El finds out, and divorced you. And here I am kidnapping you! How cool am I?"

"Not very."

"So, my name is Jara!"

"What?"

"Why does everybody ask that?" the girl screamed. "It's like Sarah with a J! Why won't you people get that?"

"Okay, settle down!"

"You settle down!" Jara screamed. She laughed when she saw a wet stain form in Kathy's pants. Kathy furrowed her brow.

"How did my pants get on? I was in a nightgown!"

"Yeah, but I didn't want nightmares!"

Kathy would have throttled her. But the obviously mentally disturbed child was holding a long metal rod, and she seemed like somebody who wouldn't be afraid to use it.

"Get in this big box," Jara commanded, dragging over a large cardboard box.

"No."

"Now!"

"No!"

Jara lifted the box and dropped it on top of Kathy, who lifted it off. She then let out an Indian war cry and struck Kathy in the head with the rod. She stuck her in the box and taped it shut. She squealed when she saw a winning bid. She hurriedly scrawled an address on it and dragged it to the post office.

Kathy opened her eyes. She realized with a sickening horror that she was in a cardboard box, and could hear fists ripping it open. She screamed. She had been sold on eBay.

A little girl screamed. "Mommy, it's ugly!" she wailed.

Never buy stuff on eBay, a note read. Love, Jara.