" There's a big fat squid in my refrigerator, Oooh, Oooh,"
--Grape Ape
Harry Potter Meets Britney Spears
It was Spring Break at Hogwarts castle, and Harry Potter was bored out of his mind. Hermione was in the corner reading, Ron was asleep on the floor, drooling profusely, and Professor Snape was downstairs drinking vodka tonics and yelling at the ball game on TV. Everyone else had gone on holiday, even Dumbledore-the old fart had gone to Panama City to "get some well-deserved ass".
In his boredom Harry was actually reduced to watching MTV. Usually he found this American channel trite and boring, but today a bunch of girls in skimpy bathing suits were wiggling their butts at the camera.
" Say," Harry said, " For once, some quality programming!"
" Do I hear butts wiggling?" Ron exclaimed, jumping up off the floor suddenly. He joined Harry at the TV; both sets of eyes were glued to the screen.
" Turn that American rubbish off!" Hermione shouted, " Those people are nothing but vulgar, useless pigs…" She trailed off as one of the well-built male dancers jumped in front of the camera and started twisting his hips.
Hermione cleared her throat. " Well… I suppose we could watch…for Muggle studies."
" What are we doing?" Harry asked suddenly, jumping back, " We're sitting here like a bunch of old hags watching hot people on TV-we're young and beautiful, too! Let's get our asses out of this castle and down to that beach! This is live TV! We could be there right now!"
" But, how, Harry??" Ron asked, in agony, " HOW?"
" With…this!" Harry pulled a small purple bag filled with powder out of his pocket.
" Crack?" Ron asked, confused, " How the hell is that going to get us to the beach?"
" You moron!" Harry shouted, " It's floo powder!"
" Oh, I don't know about this, Harry," Hermione said, pacing, " Won't Snape skin us alive if he finds out we've gone?"
" Snape doesn't know what the hell's going on," Harry reminded her, " He's probably passed out on the floor by now."
" Alright, so let's go!" Ron said, and Harry threw some of the floo powder in the fire. (Yes, they had a fire going in the middle of Spring….so piss off!!) They all jumped in and rode the psychedelic waves to a little kitchen fire in Cancun, Mexico.
" Oh, sheet!" the Mexican cook screamed, " Ay carumba!" Harry, Hermione and Ron flew out of the small grease fire and landed on the floor.
" Whoa," Ron said, rubbing his head, " Where are we?"
V
" What dee f**K is dhis sheet?" the cook shouted, " Get dee f**k out of dee keetchen, you zombie motherf**kers!" he started hitting them with his soup spoon.
" Jesus Christ!" Harry screamed, " Calm down!" He ran out of the kitchen, Ron and Hermione close behind.
" Oh my gosh," Hermione said once they were outside. " I just remembered-we don't have any money! Muggle or otherwise!"
" That doesn't matter!" Harry said, " This is CANCUN! The land of opportunity! We don't need money to wiggle our asses with those fine people! Now come on!"
" Yea!" Ron cheered, " Maybe I can meet that hot babe Thalia!"
Hermione and Harry looked at him strangely.
" Heh, heh," he said, turning red.
They ignored Ron unusual taste in women and headed for the stage where they were doing Fashionably Loud. The people around the stage were all scantily-clad and well-tanned. Harry ripped off his shirt and shorts, and Ron followed suit. They headed over to the crowd in their boxers. Hermione was wearing a matching underwear set that looked like a bikini, so she figured that was good enough and headed over.
After a few hours of dancing and making out with random strangers, they were all really tired. Except Hermione. She was up on the runway modeling and singing with Destiny's Child.
" Wow," Ron said, " Who would have thought SHE'D be such a party animal."
" SAY MY NAME, SAY MY NAME!" Hermione screamed, quite off key.
" It's always the quiet ones," Harry said, " Come on, let's go find someplace to rest."
So they left the beach and started wandering the boardwalk. Pretty soon they were really exhausted. They couldn't even sit down at a café because they couldn't pay for anything.
" Water," Harry choked out. Suddenly a long white stretch limo pulled up along side them. The window rolled down, and a blond girl with weird eyes stuck her face out.
" Hey, hot stuff," she said, " Want to join the party?"
" Holy shit," Harry said, " I don't care what I join as long as you have some food and a place to sit."
" Hell, yeah, baby," the girl said, " You can sit in my lap, honey. And bring you're little red-haired friend. My mom needs a date."
" Alright!" Ron cheered, " Older women kick ass!" So they climbed into the limo.
It wasn't until he was inside the limo that Harry realized the weird-eyed girl was Britney Spears.
" These are my other boy toys," Britney said, and Harry looked around the limo. He saw Carson Daly, Lance from N'Sync, Prince William, the Hanson Brothers (Britney's got hella bad taste) and… NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM?
" Neville?!" Harry exclaimed as Britney pulled him into her lap. " What are you doing here?"
" Neville's my number one love slave!" Britney chirped, " He's hot!"
" Hell yeah he is," Taylor Hanson said, and Neville cringed.
" Brit-ney!" Issac whined, " I thought I was number one!"
" Issac?" Britney said, " Yeah right. You're a dork and Taylor's gay-I just keep you around cause Zack TURNS ME ON!"
Zack laughed stupidly.
" So…" Harry said, " How's about some food?"
" Neville ate everything already," Carson said angrily. " He even ate my shoe."
" I know a cool restaurant we can go to," Britney said, " Since we're all celebrities, I picked a safe little place that nobody knows about."
" Me? A celebrity?" Ron squeaked, " Do you mean it?"
" Oh, you?" Britney asked, " No, I meant everyone else. Sorry, I forgot you were there."
" Well, I saved the world," Harry said, " But why is Neville a celebrity?"
" You know the old show Jake and the Fat Man?" Britney asked.
" Yeah…"
" Neville was Jake."
" HUH?" Everyone asked. But they had arrived at the restaurant, so they all climbed out. They got a table on the deck and Harry sat in Britney's lap again.
Harry was so hungry he thought he would die. When the man from the kitchen finally brought out their food… he recognized him! It was the Mexican cook whose fire they had jumped out of.
" Holy sheet!" the cook screamed, throwing the tray of food, " You those f**King demon bastards!" He ran back inside, speaking quickly in Spanish. Suddenly they felt a rumbling.
The doors burst open and the entire Mexican militia ran out screaming.
" AGH!" Britney said, " Can't I go to Mexico ONE time without the militia attacking me?"
She started singing, all the soldiers covered their ears, writhing in pain.
After Britney defeated the Mexican army with her horrible voice, Harry and Ron went back to the MTV place to find Hermione. They saw her sitting with some male volleyball players and headed over.
" Excuse me!" a security guard said, stepping out in front of them, " Please stay within 50 feet of Ms. Granger."
" Huh?" Ron asked, " Why?"
" She's a big star!" the guard explained, " You can't just expect to walk up to her!"
" WHAT?" Harry screamed, still starving and very confused.
" It's okay, Brutus," Hermione said, " They're my friends," she waved them over.
" What the hell is this?" Ron asked.
" I got a recording contract!" Hermione squealed.
" What?" Harry asked, " But you can't sing worth a crap!"
" I know!" she said, " I'll be huge--just like Britney Spears!"
I'm going to end this before I injure someone. Dedicated to Lokar and Sparky McHoolihan.