In day-to-day conversations, there are a lot of topics that one touches on, such as work, past stories, and future events. But the topic that people really touch on a lot is talking about other people. Whether it be who's going out with who, what Lisa said about Stacy, or what an asshole John is for not calling Vicky, people talking is popular. When people talk about other people, they often focus on their flaws and on negative traits. People hate a lot.
The best example for me is my good friend A. Diddy. I've known him since college and though we've had rough patches, we are good friends. I make fun of him all the time because he used to be pretty shady. I usually create memes with him and submit them to Russian Memes. Haha, that's really funny. But then he was disappearing for several days and flaking out on me on plans. He doesn't do it anymore but I still hold some resentment from those days. So whenever he comes up with other friends, I hate. I say how he needs to improve his game, or how the girl he's seeing now is mediocre, and so on. The funny thing is our other friends hate him too, and it gets into a pattern where its just easy to do. In my mind, there is dissonance because on one hand I'm hating and on the other hand I like spending time with him and consider him a good friend. So if I hate I end up getting a bad feeling in my stomach, like I stabbed him in the back. Cause I did.
When I was about 18 I worked in the receiving department of Lord & Taylor, a fancy clothing store. I worked with a couple girls and a couple guys. We would usually sort incoming merchandise, put sensor tags on selected lines, and then go onto the floor to sort or scan merchandise. There was this girl named Missy that I worked with. She seemed nice, so I talked to her from time to time. I got word from the rumor-mill that a certain manager would be fired, so I relayed that to Missy. She didn't really say much. Well the same day, Missy told what I said to the manager who confronted me in an awful exchange that left me feeling like shit. Missy had no problems with admitting she told. From that day on I told myself "Never tell someone something unless you are prepared for everyone to know." I have followed that and since then I haven't gotten into a sticky situation. While it was a step forward, I still hated, but now I did not hate as bad. So in case, they did find out it wouldn't make me look so awful.
This year I worked with a guy we'll call H. He was older and I admired him. He took care of himself, had a lot of friends, and had success with women. I had problems with a coworker of ours so I would tell him why I'm mad at her. He never responded. And if he did he would say things like "I'm not getting involved, you should talk to her if you have problems with her." I was frustrated that he wouldn't join in and hate with me, but I respected him for that later. "I'm not getting involved" comes out of my mouth a lot now. There is a difference between needing genuine advice and just trash-talking about a person. Many people hate someone and want you to say "Yeah what a bitch, I hate people like that."
I made a vow, no more hating. What's scary is that when people hate they want you to reciprocate and hate too! Instead of hating back, I just offer emotional support and advice, "I wouldn't like it if they did that, but have you tried...". No more hater reciprocation like "Yeah I hate people like that, she's a loser."
Let's go back to A. Diddy. Recently a friend of ours started hating on him on the phone. The Same pattern as always. This time I said something positive about A. Diddy, "A. Diddy has a great sense of humor and is fun to hang out with." The friend laughed, thinking I was being sarcastic. So he hated again and I said the same thing, "A. Diddy has a great sense of humor and is fun to hang out with." He got the idea and stopped hating. I felt great! When someone wants you to hate, just tell him a positive trait about the person and how you don't like talking bad about people behind their back. If they don't understand then maybe you shouldn't associate with them.
Hating takes a lot of negative energy out of you and puts it in other people. I think it's a totally useless pastime that brings people farther apart. Take a vow to stop hating and you will see your relationships get stronger. My friends aren't perfect so they will have qualities that I don't like, but I'm not perfect either. If you have a problem with someone then talk to them alone and discuss your problem with an adult with an 'I feel' statement to see what can be done about it. "I feel uncomfortable when you make fun of my large balls." If a person has more negatives than positives, then meet more people and make more friends. After all, you do have a choice on who you spend time with. Be an adult about it and stop the hating. It builds character.