Laziness does strange and terrible things to a person.
Shikamaru stuck out a hand. "So it's agreed then? For a hundred ryo a day, you'll take my place on any missions that I consider to be particularly troublesome?"
The enormous two-hundred kilogram female mercenary nodded. "Yes. Take place. Mission."
"Just make sure you're subtle about it, okay Oga? Don't speak unless you absolutely have to." Shikamaru said.
Oga nodded again. "Yes. Speak. Have to."
Shikamaru sighed. Oh, he was going to get in so much trouble for this. Still, it should get him out of at least one mission. And to be fair, Shikamaru really didn't feel like getting up at six in the morning tomorrow.
Maybe he'd even get suspended. He could hope, anyway.
The next day, 'Shikamaru' turned up at the designated meeting spot, a small village a couple of hours out of Konoha.
An old man was waiting there with a panicked look on his face. "Please, are you Shikamaru Nara?"
Oga nodded. "Yes. Me Shikamaru."
The half-blind man looked the two-meter tall figure up and down. Oga had fashioned her hair into a spiky black ponytail overnight and put on a Konoha uniform, but had otherwise done nothing to change her appearance. "Oh, thank god. Your teammates have been captured!"
"Where? Who?" Oga asked.
"A bandit leader named Harogi. They say he's a strategical genius. I think he took them to the Nubak Caves!"
"Stay here." Oga said. "I go rescue Iro and Choki."
Spinning around, Oga took off into the forest. Ten minutes later, she arrived at a clearing.
"Ahh... You must be the Shikamaru Nara." Harogi said. The bandit leader was seated out the front of the cave, a small chessboard set in front of him. Behind, Chouji and Ino were bound and gagged.
Oga nodded. "Yes. That Me.
"I hear you're quite the intellect." The bandit said, accompanying his words with flamboyant flourishes. "Well then, I would rather like to put that to the test! The lives of your friends hang in the balance, Shikamaru Nara!
Oga nodded. "Yes. Balance."
Harogi plucked the white queen from the board and raised it high into the air. "Very well then! Shikamaru Nara, I challenge you to a game of wits!"
Oga stared at him.
Harogi grinned smugly.
Oga continued to stare blankly.
Harogi's smile started to slip.
"Lady Hokage, the autopsy report is back."
"Thank you, Shizune." Tsunade said, taking the report from her assistant. "So, Shikamaru, what do you have to say for yourself?"
Shikamaru rubbed the back of his head. "Ah, I..."
"I would like to emphasize, chunin, that this was supposed to be a capture mission. Instead, you brought back a body so destroyed that we couldn't even identify it. Ah, let's see." Tsunade began flicking through the papers.
"Broken neck, shattered ribs, fractured legs, chess pieces shoved up into..." Tsunade stopped, going ghost-white.
Shizune leaned over to look at the paper, then looked up at Shikamaru with horrified eyes. "You disgust me."
"Lady Hokage, I..." Shikamaru began.
"Nara, leave. Get out of my sight. Now." the Hokage commanded, voice very quiet.
"I..." Shikamaru tried again.
"Now!" Tsunade yelled.
Seeing that it was futile to resist, Shikamaru turned and walked out the door. Shizune shot him one last look of horror, then slammed it behind him.
Shikamaru was halfway home when he was intercepted by Kiba.
"Hey man, can I talk to you for a second?" the other boy asked.
Shikamaru shrugged. "Sure. What's up?"
"I, uh, heard about the mission today." Kiba said.
Shikamaru put a hand on his forehead. "Guh. You don't actually think that was me, do you? God, she didn't even wear a henge."
Kiba waved his hands. "Oh, no, believe me, I'm aware. Trust me, it was pretty obvious. No, I, uh..."
Shikamaru cocked his head to the side. "Yes?"
Kiba rubbed the back of his head. "I've got this mission tomorrow. Early. I mean ass-crack of dawn early. I, well... do you know any other people who might be willing to..."
Shikamaru realized what he was getting at. "Oga isn't exactly subtle, you know. You sure you...?"
Kiba nodded. "You have no idea how much of a pain this mission is going to be."
Shikamaru sighed. "In that case, yeah, I think Oga has a couple of relatives who might be interested."
Three days later, Team Eight gathered around outside Konoha's front gate.
"PUPPY!" 'Kiba' yelled, waving a terified Akamaru in the air.
"Um... Shino, does Kiba seem different to you?" Hinata asked, pressing her fingers together.
"Kiba Seem Same." Shino said. "Why? Kiba Brain Working Good!"
"Kurenai-sensei?" Hinata whispered.
Kurenai turned to her. "Kiba Normal! Enjoying Life! Good To See!"
Hinata shrank into her coat.