AUTHOR: Sarah LoTuS
RATING: 15+
EMAIL: lotus79@startrekmail.com
DISCLAIMER: These aren't the REAL Rachel, Jack, Helen, Tayler etc. I made copies while Hal wasn't looking, so I can do what I like with them! (But don't tell him I made the copies, 'cos I think he can still sue me for that. If he really wants a collection of Voyager videos and a beat up old Ford, that is.)
LYRIC DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the lyrics in this story. Crowded House own most of them, the rest are otherwise noted. They are, in order of appearance; Love You 'Til The Day I Die(x2),Absence Of Fear(x2, belonging to Jewel Kilcher), Locked Out(x4), Nails In My Feet(x2), Better Be Home Soon(x2), Fall At Your Feet, In My Command, Distant Sun, In My Command, Fall At Your Feet, Who Wants To Live Forever(copyright to Queen), Fall At Your Feet, and Head Over Feet (belonging to Alanis Morisette) [and, no, I don't have a foot fetish. It's coincidence. Coincidence!!]
WARNING: THIS FIC CONTAINS SCENES OF A SEXUALLY EXPLICIT NATURE. I WOULD RATE IT ABOUT A 15+. IF YOU DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD READ IT, PLEASE EMAIL ME lotus79@startrekmail.com FOR AN EDITED COPY!!! IF ENOUGH PEOPLE ASK FOR IT, I'LL JUST POST IT ON MY PAGE.
X-rays of the Soul
"Nurse, she's waking up!"
As Rachel slowly drifted back to consciousness, she realised that she should recognise the voice. Then she felt a rough hand touch her cheek lightly, and she opened her eyes.
"Dad?"
He smiled down at her. "Rachel," he said, in that warm voice that, in her childhood, had always made her feel as safe as houses.
The inside of her mouth had a strange, gritty sort of a texture, and it had a horrible taste. "Water?" she rasped.
Her father filled a glass for her from a jug on the table by her bed, and she drank it all, swishing it around her mouth to remove the funny taste.
"What happened?" she asked, struggling to remember.
"You were stabbed," he told her, "We almost lost you."
"David?" she asked, quickly.
"He's fine," her father assured her, "As soon as we knew you were out of danger his stepmother took him home. He'll be back to see you in the morning."
Fragmented scenes began to invade her mind. Memories of the night before.
Jack carrying her, telling her to hold on.
"David. David, you tell him"
"You'll tell him, Rach..."
"Please...."
"All right, all right, I'll tell him..."
She felt so tired, so cold, so weak. She just wanted to sleep for a bit, but Jack was talking, keeping her awake...
"Rachel? Rach, I love you! Rachel, can you hear me? I love you, I love you, I love you so much!"
She forced her eyes open again, stared at him. He looked utterly miserable. Tears were running down his cheeks, dripping onto her. She shivered. What would he do if she died? What about David? All her friends?
'I don't want to die,' she thought.
She couldn't remember anymore than that, though she tried. She thought the ambulance had arrived after that, and then maybe she'd blacked out or something.
"Your partner was here, too," her father told her, seeming to read her thoughts, "He was very worried about you."
"Jack?"
"Yes. He wanted to stay, but he said he had to go and... make a statement?"
She nodded. Standard procedure. She wished he was there, but she knew he'd had no choice about it.
Meanwhile, her doctor entered the room.
"I'm sorry, Mr Friedman, I'm going to have to ask you to step outside for a minute. I need to have a private word with my patient," he said. Felix nodded politely, and left them alone.
Sitting in the chair her father had vacated, the doctor took a deep breath before speaking.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you, Detective," he began.
Rachel looked at him quizzically, wondering what he could possibly have to tell her, running through the possibilities: not David; not Jack or her Dad. She even wiggled her toes just to make sure she still could.
"What is it?" she asked.
"The trauma to your abdomen was fairly extensive," he explained, "I'm afraid it wasn't possible for us to save your baby."
Rachel stared, uncomprehending, "What?"
"You didn't know you were pregnant?" he asked
The stare turned into a gape as she caught his drift. Pregnant? She had been pregnant?
"How long ago was it, do you know?" she asked, suddenly.
"Well, I would estimate between four and six weeks."
Six weeks. Six weeks ago was when they had been chased by that crazy ex-army guy... Cooper? She'd missed her pill that morning--stuck out in the middle of nowhere. Hadn't even thought of it that night when she and Jack had...
Well, it didn't matter now, anyway, because she wasn't pregnant.
Deep down inside, she wondered if she wasn't just a little bit sorry.
~~ * ~~
Jack Christey strode down the hospital corridors, looking for Rachel's room. He'd just been through a three hour grilling with Detective Sergeant Joe Da Silva. The man made Hitler look like Mary Poppins.
Eager as he had been to make sure Rachel was okay, he'd still made the time to get her some flowers from the hospital's gift shop. He knew it was a bit unoriginal, and not really Rachel's style, but he hoped they would perk her up a little. From what her father had told him on the phone, she could use it.
She was asleep, so he put the flowers on the nightstand and sat down.
Sleeping, Rachel looked so young and innocent that Jack had to smile. He supposed it was because her eyes were closed. Eyes are like x-rays of the soul, he reflected. They can't lie; and they can't help but hint at a person's inner secrets. The ones that they have hidden even from themselves.
"Jack?"
Startled out of his reverie, Jack realised that she had woken and was studying him pensively.
"Hey, gorgeous," he murmured, smiling gently.
She smiled back, but her eyes weren't in on it. They were shadowed, and she looked away quickly, as if afraid he would see too much. She was still hiding from him.
"I got you some flowers," he told her, picking them up again and handing them to her. She pulled herself upright, wincing at the pain of her stomach wound, and took them from him, cradling them in her arms. For a moment she just stared at them, seeming to forget he was there, then she looked up again.
"Thanks, Jack. Would you mind asking the nurse for a vase for me?" she asked.
The smile this time was a little brighter, but he got the feeling she was trying to get rid of him. "Yeah, sure," he answered, and went to find a nurse.
There's closets in my head where dirty things are kept
That never see the light of day
I want to drag them out, go for a walk
Just to see the look that's on your face
Rachel leaned back on her pillows again sighing. The flowers were beautiful and very thoughtful, but he made her feel a little uncomfortable, only partly because of what he'd said the night before.
She'd decided not to tell him the full story. What was the point? It wouldn't change anything now. She'd have to be more careful, though--she didn't want him asking her too many questions.
A few minutes later, Jack reappeared with a tall white vase filled with water. Rachel handed the flowers back to him and he set them down next to a hand drawn "Get Well Soon" card. "This from David?" he asked, picking it up.
"Yeah," she answered, her eyes lit up with pride, "He came in to see me this morning before he went to school. Soon as he was sure I was all right, he was demanding to know how many stitches I had."
Jack laughed, "So how many stitches do you have?"
"Don't you start! I don't even know--I didn't think to ask," she admitted. She'd had plenty more important things on her mind at the time. Her smile faded a little.
The worry in Jack's eyes seemed accusatory. Rachel found she couldn't look at it, so she looked down, nervously plucking at her blanket.
Sometimes I can't be straight, I don't want to hurt you
So forgive me if I tell a lie
Sometimes I come on cold, but don't believe it
I will love you 'til the day I die
A polite knock on the door interrupted them. Joe Da Silva invited himself in, his face contorted in an artificial smile.
"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"
Rachel smiled back, carefully composed. "No, not at all. You'll excuse me if I don't get up."
Jack hid a grin; Da Silva didn't seem to notice the joke. "Would you mind giving me your statement now, Detective, or should I come back later?"
"Nah, now's fine. Get it over with. Don't think it will help you much, though. I seem to have a few gaps in my memory."
"Ah, well, you never know. Detective Christey, if you'll excuse us?"
Jack shook his head. He didn't trust Da Silva as far as he could throw him--the man was an insensitive prick. The idea of leaving him alone with an injured Rachel wasn't particularly appealing.
"May I remind you, Detective, that as a witness to this case, you may not be present during the questioning of another witness?"
Dammit. Joe bloody by-the-book Da Silva was starting to get on his nerves. He tried one more time, "What's the bloody difference? You've already asked me every question under the sun!"
"Jack, please," Rachel said, quietly.
Her uncharacteristic tone gave him pause. She still didn't seem herself, and he didn't want to upset her by arguing with her, so he went for a walk.
~~ * ~~
When he returned twenty minutes later, Da Silva was gone and Rachel's eyes were shut tight. He could see she wasn't asleep, so she must have been feigning it. Wondering why, he leaned forward and kissed her. She didn't move.
"I'll come back and see you tomorrow, then," he murmured, gently caressing her cheek before leaving her alone.
As soon as she heard the door close behind him, Rachel opened her eyes. He'd known she was faking it, she realised. She felt bad about hurting his feelings, but she needed to sort her own out first. She just couldn't deal with him today as well.
~~ * ~~
Rachel was engrossed in a book a few hours later, when her door burst open again.
"Coooee!!" It was Tayler, all youthful energy, bearing chocolates. Helen followed close behind.
"How are you feeling?" Helen asked, as Rachel set her book aside.
She smiled sardonically, "Like a pincushion."
Helen smiled and squeezed her hand.
"Well, we brought you some chockies to cheer you up," Tayler told her, grinning.
"Thanks," she answered as her friend handed her the box. "So, how are you all holding up without me?" she asked, as they all had a chocolate.
"Oh, not bad. It's been pretty quiet today without you and Jack arguing!" Tayler teased her.
The mention of Jack turned her serious again, but her friends didn't seem to notice as Tayler filled her in on a day's worth of gossip, and Helen brought her up to speed on the passport investigation.
They'd just finished when the nurse popped her head around the door to tell them that visiting hours were over. Both women gave Rachel a hug before they turned to go.
"Helen?" Rachel asked suddenly, "What happened with Sophie Burke's mother? She was supposed to come into the office to see me this morning. Did she show up?"
"Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you," the older woman answered. "Jack talked to her after he finished with Da Silva. It's all taken care of."
"Oh, right. Tell him thanks for me, will you?"
"You can tell him yourself--he said he was going to come and see you again tomorrow."
"Yeah, he did say that," Rachel answered, absently.
"Oh, and Tommy and Gav said to tell you they'd see you tomorrow, too," Tayler informed her. Then they both hugged her again before they left her alone.
Once they'd walked a little way down the hall, Tayler turned to Helen, "Did she seem a little preoccupied to you?"
"Now that you mention it," Helen agreed. "Still, she's just had a near death experience; that doesn't exactly leave you unscathed. Give her a couple of days, she'll be back to her old self in no time."
~~ * ~~
ONE WEEK LATER
Rachel sighed as her telephone rang for the fourth time in one afternoon. She'd finally been discharged from the hospital that morning, and it seemed everyone wanted to check in to make sure she was okay. It was beginning to get on her nerves.
"Goldstein," she said, picking up the phone.
"Hey Rach, it's Tayler," came the voice from the receiver.
"Oh, hi Tayler."
"I heard you got home today, so I thought I'd call and see how you are," Tayler explained, just as Helen, Jeff, and Mick had before her.
"I'm fine," she answered, trying to not to sound annoyed.
"Oh that's good. Will you be back at work soon?"
"The doctor said at least a week. Maybe two." Her doorbell sounded. Rachel sighed. With her luck, it was Tommy and Gavin, come to throw her an impromptu party.
"Listen Tayler, someone's at the door, I've gotta go, okay? I'll talk to you another time," she promised.
"Okay, Rach, but just remember, if you need anything--" she began, before she realised she was speaking to a dial tone.
~~ * ~~
"All right, all right, I'm coming!" Rachel yelled as her doorbell rang again. It had to be Jack.
Sure enough, when she opened the door, there he was with a bottle of wine, a bag of Chinese take-away, and a familiar smile. Her answering smile was tentative, but genuine, and Jack hoped she was on her way back to normal.
During the week she'd been in the hospital, he'd visited her every day. She hadn't asked him not to, although some days she seemed distant and hardly aware of his presence. The subject of his desperate declaration when he'd thought she was dying hadn't come up, and he was reluctant to remind her of it until he thought she was ready. He didn't even know if she'd heard him.
He almost hadn't come over, but he hoped if he was just there for her, she would finally tell him what was bothering her.
Rachel knew Jack was worried about her. She felt guilty about it, but she didn't know how to reassure him. Maybe she just needed to get back to normality again. After all, there was no real reason for her to still be mourning the loss of a baby she hadn't even known she was carrying. A child she hadn't even wanted. She felt guilty about that, too--as if her indifference to the child had somehow contributed to its death.
Inside my skin there is this space
It twists and turns
It bleeds and aches
"Rach?"
"Huh?" She realised that he'd been talking to her while she was brooding. "Sorry, I wasn't listening."
"Yeah, I'll say--you were about a million miles away. I said, do you wanna eat this now, or heat it up later?"
"Oh. Yeah, I'm hungry now," she answered. Jack set the bag and the wine down on the coffee table, and began unpacking the food.
"I'll grab a couple of glasses," Rachel said, and fled to the kitchen.
Once she was out of his sight, she stopped and took a deep breath. She knew she couldn't keep playing this game of cat and mouse. She had to make a decision, one way or the other; whether to give in and try to enjoy the evening, or to call the whole thing off, for good.
When she arrived back in the living room, her thoughts were churning again. Jack took the glasses from her, and poured the wine. He didn't make a formal toast, instead he just raised his glass a little and smiled at her. There was no expectation or reproach in his smile, it was just open and honest.
Maybe her doubts were silly. Maybe if she just acted like everything was normal, eventually it would be. So she smiled back and sipped her wine.
Jack finally began to feel like they were making some progress. She seemed more relaxed than she had been of late, and even glad of his presence. Still, he was taken by surprise when she leaned over and kissed him.
Rachel was still experimenting with herself, to a certain extent, and she'd wanted to see what would happen if she let herself feel again. When she kissed Jack, it was so familiar and routine that she began tugging at his shirt, kissing him more deeply.
Inside my heart there's an empty room
It's waiting for lightning
It's waiting for you
She was intoxicating, and the wine didn't help. Jack couldn't help but respond at first, but he forced himself to pull away from her.
"Rach, are you sure? It's not too soon or anything?"
"Jack, I'm fine. They already took the stitches out. As long as you don't play too rough with me," she warned, a bit of her old spark returning.
"No, I meant..." he began, and stopped.
"What?" she asked, frowning.
"Nothing, never mind." He didn't want to bring up her unusual behaviour for fear he would set it off again. She seemed happy for the first time since the accident, so he decided to leave well enough alone.
She started loosening his tie, and pulled it over his head.
"You know, Rach, this would be a lot more comfortable on your bed," he suggested, remembering the last time they'd tried it on the couch. He'd hit his head on the armrest and ended up with a lump the size of Ayers Rock.
"Who can be bothered walking all the way up there?" she asked.
He stopped kissing her and drew away.
"Jack, what are you doing?" Rachel yelped, as he got one arm underneath her legs and lifted her up. "Put me down!!"
He shook his head, making a beeline for the stairs. She struggled half-heartedly all the way, but he didn't loosen his grip, and she was careful not to be too forceful. When he reached her bed, he stopped.
"Well, are you gonna put me down or what?"
"Not yet," he answered, tightening his grip and kissing her soundly. It felt good to hold her again. Then he shuddered, thinking of the last time he'd carried her in his arms, and carefully put her down on the bed.
"I'm gonna get you for that, you know!" she threatened, with mock severity.
Jack merely smiled. "I can't wait."
~~ * ~~
Jack slowly woke to the sound of a magpie calling. He opened his eyes, and the three glowing red numbers on Rachel's alarm clock slowly came into focus.
6:05.
He turned to see if Rachel was still asleep on her side of the bed, and was surprised to see that she wasn't there. He couldn't hear her in the shower either, so he got dressed and went to look for her.
He found her in the living room in her dressing gown, staring at a blank television screen and turning a fat, leather-bound book over and over in her hands, hypnotically. "Rach?"
Rachel started. She'd been reading her diary to herself when her eye had been drawn to the pictures she kept on top of her television. Most were of David. One, in particular, had caught her eye--it was a picture of her and David and Jonathon, taken the day after he was born. They all looked uncharacteristically happy--she supposed they had been, once, though she could barely remember it.
"How long have you been up?" Jack asked.
"A couple of hours," she answered offhandedly.
"A couple of hours? Rach, it's only six! You've been up since four?"
"I couldn't sleep," she shrugged. Her voice was emotionless, and she didn't look at him. His heart sank. She was withdrawing again.
"Rach, we need to talk."
She stared at him, distantly. Silent.
"What's up, Rach?"
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, come on, you don't think I haven't noticed, do you?" He tried not to get angry, he really did, but her perpetual apathy really worried him. Maybe she needed to express some anger. He still didn't understand what the problem was--Tayler hadn't been like this when she'd nearly died.
"Dammit, Jack, I just need some space, okay?" At last, there was some expression in her voice.
At that overused excuse of hers, Jack well and truly lost his temper. "Rach, you always need space! If I was on the other side of the country you'd still say you need space!"
"What, you think this is an elaborate plan to annoy you?"
"No, I'm not saying that, but if you'd just stop running away from me for five minutes, maybe we'd be able to communicate!!"
"I'm not running away! Why can't you just give me a break for five minutes?"
"Fine!" he yelled, giving up. "You want a break? You've got a break!" He pulled his keys from his pocket and stormed out of the door, slamming it behind him.
Rachel stared at the door for a minute, then she began to cry.
~~ * ~~
I've been locked out
I've been locked in
But I always seem to come back again
When you're in that room
What do you do?
I know that I will have you in the end
Jack picked up the remote control and turned down the stereo. He'd been sitting there for hours; ever since he got back from Rachel's, in fact. He knew he shouldn't have walked out--the last time he'd done that, it had taken him months to repair the damage--but he'd just gotten so frustrated with her. Every time they finally seemed to make some progress, they ended up back where they'd started again.
He wondered what to do now.
Should he call her? She'd said she needed space, but that had sounded like an excuse. Maybe she was testing him to see how much he could take. Well, he'd failed that one. He should probably call her to set things straight.
On the other hand, maybe she just needed time alone to come to terms with everything. If he called her, they could end up arguing again, and things would just get worse.
He decided to call her. At least he could apologise for walking out, and then he could back off for a while, if that's what she wanted.
Mountain valley shines in the morning sun
I send a message out to my only one
The phone rang four times, then a gentle hum signified the answering machine. He waited for the beep.
"Rach? Rach, it's me. I know you're there, pick up!" He waited a few seconds, but she didn't answer the phone.
"All right, don't pick up, but at least listen for a minute, okay? Rach, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lose my temper this morning. If you need some space, that's all right with me, I understand. I just want to know you're okay, Rach. Call me back, or else I'll see you at work. Bye."
He gently put the receiver back on it's cradle and sat back down heavily on the couch.
Yet I've been locked out, and I'm nowhere through
But I can't begin to face up to the truth
I wait so long for the walls to crack
But I know that I will one day have you back, yes I will
And I work like bees in the honey
Every night I circle like the moon
It's an act of simple devotion
But it can take forever when you've got something to prove
And I've been locked out
He sighed, turned the music back up again, and thought some more. He was positive she was still home, so that meant she didn't want to talk to him. He wondered whether it did have something to do with what he'd said that night. If it did, then why had she seemed so much better yesterday? It was almost like she was experiencing a few moments of lucidity in her haze of apathy. Like she'd managed to forget what was bothering her for a little while, but not forever.
Whatever it was, she wasn't talking. Not to him.
Have I been locked out?
Have I been locked out?
He sighed, and opened a beer as the CD player picked another song.
~~ * ~~
My life is a house, you crawl through the window
Slip across the floor and into the reception room
You enter the place of endless persuasion
Like a knock on the door when there's ten or more things to do
When her telephone rang, Rachel barely registered that it was ringing. She hadn't moved from the couch; instead choosing to read back over the entries in her diary. She was halfway through the book when she recognised Jack's voice issuing from the answering machine.
"Rach? Rach, it's me. I know you're there, pick up!"
She did consider it, but she wasn't ready to face him just then, so she stayed where she was, and listened.
"All right, don't pick up, but at least listen for a minute, okay? Rach, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lose my temper this morning. If you need some space, that's all right with me, I understand. I just want to know you're okay, Rach. Call me back, or else I'll see you at work. Bye."
"Bye," she whispered.
I pass through the walls to find my intentions
Circle round in a strange hypnotic state
I look into space, there is no connection
A million points of light, and a conversation I can't face
She couldn't avoid him forever, she knew--she still had to work with him, somehow. She wondered why she didn't just tell him that it was all over. She knew she couldn't just go back to the way things were, but she didn't want to let him go, either. Rereading her old diary entries hadn't helped much. She'd lost control of situations before, and of other people, but she'd always been able to rely on herself. For the first time in her adult life, Rachel felt like she wasn't in control of herself, and she didn't know what to do about it.
'Am I going crazy?' she wondered.
The phone rang again, but she still didn't feel up to talking to anyone. The machine beeped.
"Rachel," came Jonathon's disapproving voice, "Where are you? Your son is waiting for you, what should I tell him?"
David!! She'd forgotten about their "date" today. Rachel dashed for the phone, "Jonathon, wait! I'm sorry, I fell asleep."
"You fell asleep."
"Yeah, it happens. Tell David I'll be there in fifteen minutes."
"I'm already late for an important meeting, you know, Rachel."
"I'm sorry," she said again, "I'll be there as soon as I've dressed."
"I can always find someone else to look after David for the day, Rachel," Jonathon told her ominously.
"Uh-huh, yeah," she answered. Arguing with him was getting her nowhere fast.
"See that it never happens again," he ordered, then he hung up the phone.
"Yeah, and screw you, too," she muttered.
~~ * ~~
Fifteen minutes later, David climbed into the passenger seat of Rachel's car. Jonathon was nowhere to be seen.
"Where's your Dad?" Rachel asked.
"Oh, he left already."
"What he left you on your own?" she asked, frowning.
"Mu-um! I'm almost twelve, you know, I can look after myself!"
"Oh, yeah, you're so big and strong. Just don't hurt me, okay?"
He looked at her sideways, "Muuuum!"
She smiled back, "Okay, I'll stop teasing you. So, what shall we do today?"
David pretended to think for a while, "Can I play on the swings in the park for a while?"
"Course you can. What else?"
"Can I get an ice cream?"
"Hmm, maybe a small one. What else? We've got all day, you know."
"I don't know..."
"Well, then, you can think about it on the swings, then, okay?"
"Okay."
When they got to the park, Rachel pulled a book from the glovebox, and sat
down to read a chapter or two on the park bench by the swings. She smiled
to herself as she looked up to see David running nineteen to the dozen
around the merry-go-round, before jumping on and laughing as it spun him
around.
The next time she looked up, he was nowhere to be seen.
Rachel was struck by a lightning bolt of fear. She turned her head and looked behind her, all around her. The swings, the merry-go-round, the slide, the sandpit. He wasn't anywhere in sight.
"David!" she called, trying not to sound hysterical. There was no answer.
"David, where are you?" She could hear her heartbeat thudding in her chest. What if something had happened to him? What if.....?
She had to find him.
She ran to the sandpit, where two little girls were building sandcastles, and asked them frantically, "Have you seen a boy around? He was just here a minute ago. He's about this tall, with brown hair."
The two girls stared at her. Too young to understand her fright, they just shook their heads and went back to their sandcastles.
"David!!" she screamed, panicked.
"Up here, Mum," came David's voice from somewhere above her. She looked up to see him halfway up a Jacaranda tree, sitting on a frighteningly slender branch, completely unaware of her distress.
"David, you come down here this instant!"
His face fell. He didn't often see his mother get angry; which made it all the more worrying when it did happen. He sighed and began to climb down.
Rachel watched him, heart in mouth, as he climbed from branch to branch. She was terrified that he would lose his footing and fall, and as soon as he was within her reach, she pulled him into her arms and hugged him tightly.
David was very confused. "Mum? I can't breathe."
She put him down on the ground again, and all of a sudden her temper got the best of her. "What on earth possessed you to do that?" she asked, "What if you'd fallen, or one of the branches broke? David, you could have been seriously hurt!!"
"But, Mum, I've done it heaps of times!" he frowned.
"And how could you wander off without telling me where you were going?" Rachel continued.
"But I didn't wander off, Mum, I only climbed the tree!"
"Didn't you know how worried I was?" she asked him.
David looked down, still unsure of what exactly he'd done to warrant such a stern rebuke. He was used to seeing his mother cheerful and friendly. She seemed like a totally different person today. "Sorry, Mum," he mumbled.
Rachel relented, "That's all right, David, just don't do it again, okay?" she told him, ruffling his hair.
He looked up at her, his sunny smile back on his face where it belonged. The storm was over. "How about that ice cream?"
Rachel cuffed him playfully, "We'll see."
~~ * ~~
ONE WEEK LATER
Rachel Goldstein walked into Water Police Headquarters, feeling more than a little apprehensive. Her doctor had allowed her back to work on the proviso that she "take it easy". She had agreed--anything to keep from going stir crazy sitting at home all day with nothing to do but watch television. The sorts of things available to watch during the day made her glad she had a job to go back to. "Take it easy" was so vague an instruction anyway.
Unfortunately, this also meant that she could no longer avoid Jack. She actually dreaded seeing him; knowing that he would start asking difficult questions again, threatening her composure.
"Rachel, welcome back!" Helen greeted her warmly. Rachel put on a smile for her friend and headed up the stairs to her office, and Jack.
When she walked in, he looked up from the file he was studying and smiled. "Helen said you were back in today," he observed, "How are you?"
"Oh, fine," she answered, dismissively. 'Here it comes,' she thought. Jack, however, merely nodded and went back to studying the file. Absurdly, Rachel felt snubbed.
It cost Jack a lot of restraint not to push her, but he'd decided to settle for keeping an eye on her from a distance. He had a sneaking suspicion that he was part of whatever was bothering her, so perhaps if he left her alone to work it through, she could handle it by herself. It didn't stop him worrying about her, though.
"So," Rachel began, a little too casually, "Have you solved the passport thing yet?"
"No, not yet." Jack was a little surprised; neither of them had mentioned the case before now. He, because he didn't want to remind her of the stabbing; and she, he assumed, for similar reasons.
"Actually," he added finally, "Reilly's helping Da Silva with that case now. Jeff says we're too close to it, but unofficially, if you have any insights, let Reilly know."
"Not Da Silva?"
"Not if you want to be heard."
Rachel couldn't help smirking at that. She wasn't all that partial to the man herself, but Jack had taken an obvious dislike to him. She opened her mouth to say something else, but he was engrossed in the contents of the file in his hand, so she thought better of it, deciding instead to boot up her computer and see that she was up to date on all of her reports.
Jack, meanwhile, was staring at the page in his hand, unable to concentrate. He had to keep reminding himself that he had to let Rachel make the first move.
Just then, Helen popped her head around the door, "We've just had a report of a sexual assault on board the Athena; she's moored at Rose Bay Marina. Can you two go and interview the girl?"
Jack looked at Rachel, and nodded, "Yeah, we'll sort something out."
Helen handed him the printout of the details and went back to her office.
"You up for it, Rach, or should I get Tayler to come with me?"
She shot him a dirty look. "I'm not a china doll, Jack. Stop protecting me."
Suitably chastised, Jack offered her the keys to the car, "You wanna drive?"
"Nah, you drive."
He frowned in confusion, but didn't comment as he led the way down the stairs.
Rachel followed him in silence. The air between them was thick enough to cut with a knife--neither knew what to expect from the other, and both were treading carefully so as not to start an argument. Maybe a case was just what they needed to put them at ease with each other again.
She was halfway down the stairs when she realised she'd left her jacket in her locker.
"Jack." He stopped and half turned towards her. "I've just got to get something--meet you at the car, ok?"
"Righty-oh," he nodded, and headed out the door.
~~ * ~~
Just as Rachel was about to round the corner to the locker room, she heard voices.
"Ga-av! Stop it!!" Tayler giggled.
"Why? Noone's around." More giggles, this time from Gavin, too. Then there was silence.
"Someone's gonna come in and catch us, you know!"
"Nah, Tayler, don't worry! The divers are all out, so are the detectives. Helen and Jeff aren't gonna be snooping around back here, and Tommy's off today. We'd hear anyone coming, anyway."
A few seconds later... "Stop kissing me, Gav, I can't think!"
Rachel stayed where she was, just listening to the conversation. She wondered why she didn't just leave them, or at least make a noise to warn them someone else was near, but she didn't. Instead, she carefully inched forward until she could see the two officers in an unquestionably compromising position.
Tayler had her back up against the lockers, and Gavin was pressed up against her, kissing her passionately. Despite her verbal protestations, Tayler didn't seem particularly displeased with the situation; quite the contrary, she was giving as good as she got.
Rachel ducked back out of sight as they finally surfaced for air, continuing to listen to the conversation.
"So, can you come over tonight?"
"Well, I'll have to check with my other girlfriend..."
"Gav!"
He laughed. "What time?"
"Ooh, about sevenish..."
Rachel came to her senses as if waking from a deep sleep. What was she doing? Jack was waiting for her. She turned and headed out of the building, leaving her jacket in her locker behind the two amorous constables.
~~ * ~~
"You got it?" Jack asked as she walked absently towards the car.
Rachel frowned, "Got what?"
"The thing you said you needed to get," Jack answered, confused.
"Oh, that. Yeah." She sat in the passenger seat without another word. Jack shook his head and sat in the driver's seat.
The journey passed in silence, Rachel staring out of the window in a world of her own. Jack cast the odd worried glance in her direction, but he didn't try to engage her in meaningless conversation. Perhaps Helen was right after all when she said that office romances were nothing but trouble.
Somewhere deep inside, something's got a hold on you
And it's pushing me aside, see it stretch on forever
And I know I'm right for the first time in my life
That's why I tell you you'd better be home soon
After a seemingly interminable journey, they arrived at the marina and found the Athena. The victim was a young girl with blonde hair and soft blue eyes. She was wrapped in a towel, and still quietly sobbing. They sat her down in a secluded area, switched on their tape recorder, and began asking her the necessary questions. That is, Jack began asking questions. Rachel still didn't say a word, despite Jack's meaningful looks in her direction. He could do with her tact right about now. Unfortunately, she seemed a million miles away.
He had to admit, she'd been distant lately, but he never thought she'd be this uncaring. He covered for her as best he could, asking all the questions, but the girl was confused and directed her answers to Rachel. He couldn't really blame her for only wanting female company at the moment, but that just made his partner's silence all the more uncomfortable. At least Rachel had the grace to nod and pretend she was listening, but Jack could tell from the glassy look in her eyes that she wasn't hearing a word. Fortunately, the victim was absorbed in her own distress, and didn't seem to notice.
Rachel seemed to be stuck in a trance. She couldn't stop thinking about Sykes and Johnson, giggling and all over each other. She didn't know why it should bother her so much. They'd looked so happy, it didn't seem right, when she herself was far from happy. She resented them for it, just a little, though she would never have denied her friends the right to pursue their own happiness.
A few of Jack's questions penetrated the silky veil that covered her perceptions. "Did you get a look at the man who attacked you?" Da Silva had asked her that. She couldn't remember. Why couldn't she remember? She remembered everything else about that night with perfect clarity. The quiet hum of the power station. The tapping of Jack's shoes as he walked down the stairs ahead of her. The pain, oh, God, the pain. She stabbed at the memory. There must be more to it than that. Something her brain was keeping from her.
"Can you describe the man who attacked you?" Jack asked. Rachel couldn't. In a last attempt at compromise, her brain allowed her to see a shadowy figure, right arm raised. The arm began to descend as she tried to bring the figure into focus...
Rachel jumped reflexively as her brain shut the memory off like a leaky tap. The girl stopped talking and looked at her, confused.
"Oh, someone just walked over my grave," she excused herself, with a half smile. The girl continued speaking, apparently satisfied.
~~ * ~~
An hour later, Rachel walked back into their office and flopped down behind her desk. Jack followed her in, closing the door behind him and leaning against it for a second, as if to cut off her escape route.
"So what was all that about, Rach?" he asked. Space he could give her, but when her work suffered, he had to step in. He'd want her to do the same for him.
She played dumb. "All what about?"
"Did you hear a word of what Miss Barrows said?"
"Of course I did, Jack, what are you implying?" she asked, eyes narrowed.
"Okay then, if you were listening, what's the description of the guy we're looking for?"
"Short, dark and ugly," she answered, straight-faced. She might be beaten, but she didn't have to admit it.
Stripping back the coats of lies and deceptions
Back to nothingness, like a week in the desert
And I know I'm right for the first time in my life
That's why I tell you you'd better be home soon
"Nice try, Rach," Jack responded, "If you can't keep your mind on the job, you should probably take some more sick leave. Jeff would say so, too," he added pointedly.
She stood up and leaned towards him, hands resting on her desk. "Jack, if you say one word to Jeff, I'll never speak to you again!" she hissed.
Jack was unfazed, "I will, Rachel, if I think it's necessary," he warned her, in his "remember-I'm-your-senior-officer" voice.
A reminder that Rachel never reacted well to. "Why are you being such a bastard all of a sudden, Jack?" she accused.
Jack shook his head, "Oh that's great. That's just bloody wonderful! Here I am trying to save you from yourself, and you call me a bastard!!"
"Oh, stop being so damned melodramatic! Save me from myself? So I'm on a mission of self destruction, am I, just because my attention wanders a little?"
"Rachel, you are bent on self destruction! I don't think you even realise it!" he yelled back.
"And what would you know, Jack? You're full of shit!!" Rachel pronounced, punching her desk for emphasis.
"Yeah? Well don't come crying to me when your career's over just because you were too damned stubborn to admit to a weakness! You're human, Rachel, accept it!!"
"Screw you, you self-righteous PIG!!!"
"Hey!!" yelled Jeff, poking his head around the door. "Do you two want to keep it down to a dull roar? They can hear you in New Zealand!!" He disappeared with a pointed look at each detective.
After directing a glare at her partner, which was returned in kind, Rachel sat down, turned her back and pretended to be busy at her computer. Jack pulled the tape recorder from his pocket, and tossed it lightly onto Rachel's desk. "You might want to go over the evidence," he suggested quietly, honestly trying not to be antagonistic. He didn't wait for an answer as he left her alone in the office.
~~ * ~~
Helen glanced up from her paperwork when she heard a quiet knock on her open door.
"Jack! What can I do for you?"
Jack looked up and down the corridor nervously before walking into Helen's office and shutting the door behind him. Helen frowned at the unusual behaviour, waiting for Jack to explain himself.
"I was wondering..." he began, then stopped.
"Spit it out, Jack, I haven't got all day!" Helen snapped.
"Have you noticed Rachel acting a little strangely since she got out of the hospital?" he blurted finally.
"Not really," she answered thoughtfully. "She's been a little subdued, but that's not so unusual, considering what she's been through."
"It's not just that," Jack continued. "She spent nearly two hours staring into space this morning when we were interviewing that rape victim. She was totally out of it."
"Well, it is her first day back. Maybe she just needs time to get back into the swing of things."
"No, I'm sure it's more than that," he insisted, "But she won't talk to me. I hoping you could have a word with her. I don't think she's been sleeping much, either," he added.
"And how would you know that!?!"
"That's hardly a secret, now, is it?"
"I guess it's not," Helen answered evenly. "Listen, Jack, I'm not your relationship counsellor. If you and Rachel have a problem, you're going to have to sort it out yourselves. And it better not interfere with your working relationship, or you'll get the ultimatum."
The ultimatum. Put simply; the relationship or the job. Jack, however, wasn't being dismissed that easily.
"Look, Helen, it's more than that. I think it's something to do with me, but that's not all it is--that's why I wanted you to talk to her. It's eating away at her, and sooner or later it's gonna affect her work. It's already started. You know how much her job means to her!" he stopped for a breath, "I won't see her hurt. No matter what the outcome."
Helen could see that Jack meant what he said. Maybe he wasn't so bad for Rachel after all; he obviously cared very deeply for her. However, if Jeff found out about their 'extra-curricular activities', one of them would have to find another job. Well, she certainly wasn't one to dob in a friend, whether she approved of what they were doing or not.
She realised that Jack was still waiting for an answer. "All right, I'll talk to her," she promised. "I don't see it doing much good, though," she warned, "If she doesn't want to talk, there's nothing I can do about it."
Jack nodded soberly, and left her office.
~~ * ~~
"Hey, Rach!" Mick exclaimed as he almost bumped into her.
She looked up, "Oh, sorry Mick, I didn't see you. How's things?"
"Pretty good. Suzi finally forgave me... but I know you don't approve of that, so..." he trailed off.
"Um... no, actually I meant how's the case going?" Rachel asked carefully. THE case was still a touchy subject, but she wanted to stay informed about it.
"Oh..." Mick was a little flustered--he still felt guilty about his absence. "Well, we've got a few leads, but we still don't have the supplier. We had an armed robbery this morning, two men with plastic guns yelling in some Asian language. We got one of them, and it turns out he's an illegal immigrant with one of the very same fake passports we've been chasing up, or so we think, anyway. We just need the passport office to confirm that for us."
Sensing his discomfort with the subject, Rachel laid a hand on his arm. "It wasn't your fault, Mick. Now hurry up and catch the guy so we can all put it behind us," she said, with a smile she didn't really feel. He nodded, and they parted company.
'Put it behind you,' said a voice in her head as she walked back to her office. She couldn't. Not yet. Not until he--whoever he was--was safely locked up. As a cop, she was supposed to seek justice rather than revenge, but she wanted revenge. Hopefully, "justice" would be revenge enough.
~~ * ~~
Not two minutes after his conversation with Rachel, Mick collided with Jack, hurrying out of Helen's office. "You and Rachel in cahoots or something?" he asked.
"Huh?" Jack looked confused.
"She just ran into me a minute ago."
"Oh." Jack seemed flustered.
Mick frowned, "You right, mate?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Listen, how did she seem to you? Did she seem like herself?"
"Well, she wasn't anybody else, Jack, what are you getting at?"
"Nah, nothing', mate. Why am I the only one who's noticed?" he muttered to himself.
"Eh?" Mick frowned again.
"Never mind. I gotta go find a rapist, so..."
"Yeah, okay, I'll keep you up on the passport thing, ok?"
"All right, but not in front of Rach. I think she's still a little touchy about it."
"Really? She was asking me about it before," Mick said, shrugging.
Jack shook his head and added that to the list of things that just didn't add up.
~~ * ~~
Rachel depressed the play button of the little tape recorder that Jack had left on her desk. As the victim began to talk, Rachel pulled out a notebook and wrote down the key
points of the interview. The girl had been on a tour of the boat's engine room when she'd wandered off to look for a toilet. She'd been walking down a deserted passage, looking for her tour group, when her assailant had come up behind her and pushed her into a little room. Noone had heard her screams, and it wasn't until she staggered back to the inhabited areas of the ship that the alarm had been raised. By then the man was long gone, and they only had the girl's description to go on.
"Did you see the man who attacked you?" asked Jack's voice from the tape recorder. Rachel tried hard to concentrate on the tape recording, but she could feel her hands shaking as she struggled to stay composed.
"Can you describe the man who attacked you?" The image rose unbidden into her mind. She was back in the old power station and her attacker was standing over her, cackling madly. She knew her mind was making it up--if it had really happened like that, Jack would have seen it. She managed to stop the tape recorder, and started shaking her head from side to side, trying to get rid of the terrifying image.
"Rachel?"
No! Jack can't see...CONTROL!>
Rachel stopped her panic attack by a sheer act of will. Jack was staring at her, frowning.
"You all right?" he asked, suspiciously.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."
"You don't look fine, Rach."
She gave him The Glare. "Back off, Jack."
He sighed and dropped the matter. Helen was going to have a go, but if she had no luck, it was up to him. He wasn't giving her any more slack.
You're hiding from me now
There's something in the way that you're talking
The words don't sound right
But I hear them all moving inside you
Go, I'll be waiting when you call
Rachel pressed play on the tape recorder again. Jack's presence forced her to concentrate on it. She couldn't let him see that it bothered her.
Jotting down the girl's description of the rapist, she stopped the tape and looked at Jack. "So, what now?" she asked, with forced calm.
"The girl's gonna come in after lunch and look at some mugshots of known crims, so can you get some photos together for that? Also, I thought we might check out the crew of the Athena, whoever did it certainly knew the ship's layout."
"Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll get on it." She answered, grabbing her notebook and heading to the archives.
~~ * ~~
"Rachel, I was just looking for you." Helen declared, as they passed each other in the hall.
"Oh, yeah, what for?"
"I was just going to have a cup of coffee, would you join me?"
"Yeah, I s'pose I can spare a few minutes," Rachel answered, wondering what was up, "But only if it's real," she warned.
"Scout's honour," Helen promised. "The meal room's been commandeered, so how about my office?"
"Sounds good to me," Rachel smiled.
~~ * ~~
Rachel sipped her coffee, waiting for Helen to bring up whatever it was she wanted to talk about.
"So, how are you holding up?" Helen asked.
"Pardon?" Rachel asked.
"You know, being back at work and all." her friend answered, awkwardly.
"Well, it definitely beats sitting around at home watching 'Days of our Lives'!" she joked.
Helen laughed, "So, no teething problems then? What about you and Jack?" she persisted.
"What about me and Jack?" Rachel feigned ignorance.
"Rachel, don't play dumb."
"Helen, nothing is going on with me and Jack." Rachel lied.
Juggle like a diplomat
Struggle to hold on to your hat
Swingin' like an acrobat
But time will tell
Helen nodded. She didn't believe it for a second, but there was no point in forcing the issue. If Jack was right, and Rachel was hiding something, she certainly wasn't about to spill it now.
Rachel finished her last gulp of coffee, "I've really got to get onto this case," she told Helen.
"Yeah, off you go then," Helen said to Rachel's back.
~~ * ~~
"Yeah, I want a list of all your employees currently serving on the Athena. Yeah, I'll hold." Jack looked up as Helen poked her head around the door and shook her head. Well, he hadn't really expected any results--Rachel's capacity for obstinacy was infinite. When her mind was made up she was about as movable as Ayers Rock tied to the Taj Mahal.
"Yeah? You'll fax it over? Yeah, thanks," he told the secretary on the other end of the phone.
Ten minutes later, Rachel walked in with the photos. Dumping them on her desk, she began to look for some that fitted the victim's description.
"You want a hand?" Jack offered.
She looked at him as if she'd only just noticed he was there, "Yeah, sure, pull up a chair."
They started sorting through the photographs silently, not looking at each other.
"This guy's hair brown or blonde, you reckon, Rach?" Jack asked, breaking the silence.
She leaned forward and looked at the photograph he held. "Dunno. Put it in, be on the safe side."
He tossed it on the "in" pile and continued sorting. When they'd been through the pile, Rachel began to silently put away the "out" pile.
"Rach?" Jack asked, super-casually.
She looked up, "Yeah?"
"You wanna grab some lunch? We got some time to kill until Miss Barrows comes in later."
"Why not?" she shrugged, faking an ease she still didn't feel. "I'll go see if Mick wants to come," she added. She didn't feel comfortable with giving Jack the chance to start in on the third degree again. Perhaps Mick would fill the silence a little.
Jack sighed. He'd been hoping for a quiet chat--just the two of them--but Rachel was already off looking for Mick.
~~ * ~~
They headed to the lunch bar down the road. For the first few minutes they exchanged pleasantries, until Rachel brought up the subject of the passport investigation.
Jack was surprised, but Rachel didn't seem at all reluctant to talk about it. He noticed that she focused her attention on Mick, as if he wasn't even there.
When he'd finished the extended version of the known details of the passport case, Mick asked them about their case.
"It's a rape," Jack answered. "Should be fairly straightforward; we got a good description, and everyone's been co-operative so far."
The ringing of a mobile phone interrupted him. Mick smiled apologetically and answered it. "Yeah? Good. Great. I'll be right there." He hung up and stood up. "Gotta go, the passport office has got a breakthrough for us. Enjoy lunch!"
Rachel grinned, "Anything for you, Mickey!" she joked, reaching over and pinching his cheek. Jack shook his head in disgust.
"What's up your nose?" she asked, finally paying him some attention. She seemed like her old self again, but Jack suspected that it was all a show for Mick's benefit. Now that he was gone, Jack decided that enough was enough.
"Look, Rach, I know I said I'd give you time, but I really think we need to talk about this," he began.
"Talk about what?" she asked, feigning ignorance.
"Tell me what you're thinking about, Rach. Communicate with me. Tell me what's wrong."
Tell me all the things you would change
I don't pretend to know what you want
"There's nothing wrong, Jack," she told him calmly as if the idea was absurd.
Jack persisted, "I'm not an idiot, Rach, and I'm not blind either. What's the matter, Rach? You've been acting distant with me ever since the hospital. Is it because of what I said?"
"What? What did you say?"
"I love you. Remember? I meant it, you know."
She stopped pretending at last. "Yeah," she answered quietly, "I know you meant it."
"It doesn't change anything, Rach. You don't have to promise me anything."
"It's not that!" she said, forcefully. Then she clamped her lips shut.
"Then what is it, Rachel?"
You're standing in a deep dark hole
Beneath a sky as black as coal
It's just the fear of losing control you know so well
Don't miss it when the moment comes
Be submissive just this once
Imagine there is something to be done, some truth to tell
He wasn't going to give up. Perhaps she should just tell him the truth. She was tired of hiding. She opened her mouth to answer him...
She was pre-empted by the ring of his mobile phone.
Jack sighed. "Jack Christey," he said to the phone. "What? She's not supposed to be in for another half hour. Yeah, yeah, we'll be there in ten minutes, okay?" He ended the call and looked at Rachel.
The timing couldn't have been any worse. Rachel pasted a smile on her face and suggested, "We'd better get going then."
"Yeah," Jack agreed. Oh, well, they weren't getting anywhere anyway. He would have to try again later.
~~ * ~~
"Take your time, Miss Barrows," Rachel advised, handing her the pile of photographs.
Her brow creased in concentration, the girl went through the pictures, one by one.
"That one."
"Are you sure?" Jack asked.
The girl nodded. Jack couldn't resist flashing a grin at Rachel--his theory about the rapist being a crewman of the Athena had been correct.
"Well then, Miss Barrows, you can go home and rest easy now, we'll have him arrested and charged." Jack told her.
"It'd help us a lot if you could identify him in court, though," Rachel added.
"I'll give it some thought," came the answer, "Thank you, Detectives," she told them gratefully.
"No problem, Miss Barrows, we're just doing our job," Jack answered, holding the door open for the two women.
He and Rachel escorted the girl back to the front desk, where her mother was waiting to take her home.
"Results?" Helen asked, when they were alone.
"Yeah," Rachel answered, "We got a positive ID on Robert Smith, the night shift technician."
"Right then. I'll send Gavin and Tayler to arrest him. Got the picture?" Rachel handed her the faxed photograph, and Helen headed off to find her niece.
"You reckon they'll find him?" Rachel asked Jack, conversationally.
"He'd be pretty stupid not to have shot through by now," Jack answered, "Still, we might be lucky."
"Yeah, and pigs might fly," Rachel laughed.
"Ah, the prodigal detective returns!" Jack announced, looking behind Rachel.
Rachel spun around, "Hey Mick..." she began, but stopped when her eyes fell on the handcuffed man being jostled towards the interview room. Suddenly she could feel her heart pounding in her ears.
Graham Denton.
Graham Denton.
Graham Denton.
The name echoed in her mind. Why hadn't she remembered?
She'd recognised him. He'd recognised her. She suddenly remembered the startled look in his eyes, like a kangaroo mesmerised by the headlights of an oncoming four wheel drive. They'd stared at each other for a moment, as if in silent communion; her in surprise, he in fear. Then their roles were reversed as he had picked up the piece of glass and come at her.
"You murderer!" she screamed, as she rushed at him. The uniforms who held him were so surprised that they let go of his arms. Denton, sensing a slim chance at freedom, tried to scramble away, but Rachel was on him in a second. She knocked him to the ground, kneeing him brutally in the stomach, as Jack and Mick looked on in horror and surprise.
Graham Denton.
Graham Denton.
Graham Denton.
His name kept pounding in her head, as she pounded his head against the ground, screaming at him. She didn't even know what she was saying. She saw his lips move, heard him wailing something at her. She thought she heard Jack yelling her name, and then he was pulling her off of Denton, who stayed on the floor, cowering and whimpering.
~~ * ~~
When Rachel pounced on Denton, Jack and Mick were so shocked that they just stared.
"You murderer!" she screamed, "You killed it, you murderer, you killed it!"
Denton didn't even struggle; instead he burst into tears, wailing, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
Rachel didn't seem to hear him, she didn't even pause in her attack, "You murderer! You murderer! You killed it!" her voice cracked as she took a shuddering breath, "Jack, he killed it!"
The sound of his name woke Jack up. "Rachel, stop!" he yelled, catching hold of her and pulling her away from Denton. She didn't resist; seeming to have spent her anger, she burst into tears and clung to him like a child.
"What's going on here?!?" Jeff bellowed, appearing at the door.
"I think we've solved the case, Jeff," Da Silva informed him sardonically.
Jeff took in the chaotic scene before him; Rachel lying sobbing in Jack's arms, Denton curled up into a foetal position on the floor, and Mick still looking completely stunned. Da Silva, as always, showed no emotion at all. He sighed and began issuing orders, "You two!" he pointed at the uniformed officers, "Get him out of here! Mick, my office, I want an explanation," he ordered. His voice softened a little bit, "Jack, can you take Rachel home?"
Jack nodded.
The uniforms obediently dragged Denton back to his feet and virtually carried him into the interview room, followed by Da Silva's vampiric countenance. Jack helped a slightly calmer Rachel to her feet, as Mick laid a comforting hand on her shoulder before following Jeff into his office.
~~ * ~~
Rachel seemed to collect herself as Jack led her downstairs; hiding her anguish from the uniforms at the front desk, even though the whole station had heard her screams. Helen looked up and met Jack's eyes, silently apologising for disbelieving him earlier. Jack answered with a slight bob of the head, silently promising to take care of her friend.
Rachel didn't say a word as Jack opened the passenger door of his car, sat her down in it, and put her seatbelt on for her. The silence of the car journey gave Jack a chance to ponder the meaning of what had just happened. Particularly on Rachel's choice of words.
He killed it?
He killed what?
She couldn't mean Ax, could she? Jack couldn't see Rach being that cut up about the death of some snotty-nosed kid who got stuck on the wrong side of the law; and why would she refer to him as "it" anyways?
He pulled up to Rachel's place and turned off the engine. Rachel didn't react at all, still staring blankly out of the window. Jack sighed. "Rach."
No answer.
"Rach, we're home."
She looked at him finally, but her eyes were blank, and she didn't speak. He got out of the car and walked around to her side. She undid her seatbelt herself, but she accepted Jack's offer of support, leaning on him as they walked to the front door.
She pulled her keys from her jacket pocket and tried to unlock her front door, but her hands were shaking so badly that she dropped them. Jack picked them up wordlessly and led her inside.
"Coffee?" he asked, leading her to the couch.
"Yeah, thanks," she mumbled, some animation finally returning to her features.
When Jack brought two cups of coffee back to the couch and sat down, Rachel seemed a little more herself. She took a big sip of coffee, and closed her eyes momentarily, collecting her thoughts.
"Rach, we need to talk." Jack began. Four words that could spell doom in any relationship.
"I know," she answered quietly.
He took a deep breath. "What is it, Rachel? What's going on? I thought you knew me well enough to know that you can trust me with anything. Anything," he repeated, his eyes never leaving hers.
She swallowed, knowing that the time had come to pay the piper, "I didn't want to tell you, Jack, because I didn't see the point. I wish I hadn't known, there was no point in hurting you too."
"Hurting me?" Jack asked, "Known? Known what, Rach?"
She sighed. There was no easy way of telling him, so she had better just get it over with. "I was pregnant, Jack."
Jack stared. The word "pregnant" hit first, and boy, that was a shocker, but then he heard the rest.
"Was?" he asked.
She burst into tears.
Jack put his coffee down and pulled her into his arms. Time enough for questions later.
The finger of blame has turned upon itself
And I'm more than willing to offer myself
Do you want my presence or need my help
Who knows where that might lead
The effort of keeping a lid on her emotions had taken its toll on Rachel. She buried her head in Jack's shoulder and let the tears come to cleanse the murky corners of her soul. She cried until there were no more tears left in the world, and then finally, finally, she slept.
~~ * ~~
Jack shifted uncomfortably. He didn't want to wake Rachel--she obviously needed the sleep--but he couldn't sit still any longer. His left leg was numb from the knee down, and he was also starting to get a sore neck. Come to think of it, he expected that she'd be rather sore when she awoke if he left her where she was, so he carefully shifted until he could pick her up without jostling her too much.
He needn't have worried; she didn't stir the whole way up the stairs, or even when he put her in her bed. He pulled the covers up over her to keep her warm, and he couldn't resist planting a kiss on her forehead before he left her and went back downstairs.
He wondered if he should go home, but he decided to stay in case she needed him when she woke up. He turned the television on, not too loud, and began channel flicking.
TV game show...
Trashy American soap opera...
Rugby...
~~ * ~~
Rachel awoke to total darkness, and wondered where she was. She remembered seeing Denton... and attacking him... Jack bringing her home...
Jack. He knew.
She remembered crying herself to sleep in his arms, his hand gently rubbing her back, his voice in her ear; soothing, sorrowful.
She sat up, and realised that she was in her bed. "Jack?" she called. Maybe he'd gone home. She looked at her alarm clock.
18:53
Still early. She didn't feel like sleeping anymore, so she headed downstairs to get something to eat. Passing the living room, she noticed the television was on, and coming around to the front of the couch, she saw Jack, his mouth half open, gently snoring.
She couldn't help but smile to herself; he still confidently asserted that he never snored. She left him where he was and headed to the kitchen, where she put a Lean Cuisine in the microwave and grabbed two beers from the fridge. She switched off the television.
"Jack," she said quietly.
He shifted a little, but he didn't seem inclined to wake up, so she laid the cold beer can against his cheek.
"Hey!" he said, swatting at her hand.
She laughed, "Stop snoring and have a beer, Jack."
"I don't snore," he answered, automatically.
"Yeah, right."
He gave up trying to convince her, and shifted over so she could sit next to him. They sat in silence for a few minutes, unsure of what to say to one another.
Jack broke the silence. "Helen called earlier, to see how you were. She says you're not to come back to work for at least another couple of days"
"Yeah? I suppose they all think I'm crazy now," she remarked, half to herself.
"Rach," he chided her, putting his arm around her shoulders, "They're just worried about you, that's all." He'd meant to just give her a friendly squeeze, but she leaned into it and rested her head against his shoulder.
"She also said to tell you that they caught our rapist, and Denton's been charged with attempted murder."
At the mention of that name, Rachel shuddered involuntarily. The movement didn't escape Jack, who squeezed her shoulders and mumbled, "He won't be free again for a long time, Rach." He couldn't say he was particularly sorry about it either.
"I don't know why it affected me so much," she remarked, half absently.
He laughed. "You're not invincible, Rach, even though you like to think you are."
"It's not that." She sat up and turned to face him. "Jack, I didn't even know I was pregnant, why should I be so upset about losing the baby?"
He opened his mouth to answer her, but she continued, "I didn't even know it was there, but when it was gone, it was like some part of me had been ripped away, you know? And I wanted it. Once it was gone, I decided I wanted it. Only it was too late." Her anger got the better of her as she threw the empty beer can at the wall. "It was mine," she said forcefully, "Mine and yours." She looked at him, realising that she'd been so focused on her own anguish that she hadn't even considered his feelings. "I didn't want to tell you," she said quietly, "Because I didn't want you to feel the way I do."
"I understand," he told her, though he didn't completely. He didn't even know how he felt about it, hadn't had a chance to take it all in yet. Commitment and kids weren't things he'd ever really thought about before he'd met Rachel, but he had to admit to himself that he was disappointed. Pictures of himself and Rachel running around after a toddler bounced through his mind. The three of them; a family.
"Funnily enough," Rachel sighed, "The idea of me having your baby isn't as ridiculous as I thought it would be."
They sat in silence for a few minutes, contemplating the "if-onlys" and the "might-have-beens". Their eyes met finally, and Rachel slowly leaned forward and caressed his lips with her own.
The kiss was long and languorous, and somewhat uncharacteristic. Usually they were tearing each other's clothes off by this point, but neither felt the need for that kind of frenzied passion. This time, they were comforting each other, mourning the loss of a life that could have embodied the best of each of them, and celebrating their feelings for each other.
Slowly, Jack unfastened each button of Rachel's blouse and pushed it off of her shoulders, still exploring her welcoming mouth with his tongue.
"Are we going upstairs?" she murmured, as she dropped his shirt onto the floor behind him.
Without a word, he picked her up and ascended the stairs. Rachel wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed a path from his collarbone to his mouth, blocking his vision so that he tripped over the cord to her alarm clock, dropping her on the bed and landing on top of her. The cord pulled out of the wall socket, and the alarm clock hit the ground with a clatter, but neither noticed or cared.
Gradually, the alarm clock was joined on the floor by a bra, trousers, two pairs of briefs, a skirt, and some pantyhose that would never be fit to be worn again.
When both lay naked and entwined in each other's arms, Jack suddenly pulled away and looked at her as if deep in thought.
"What?" she asked, frowning.
"Just wondering what I've done to deserve you," he told her, his eyes twinkling.
"Well, I can't tell you that, but if you don't come back here you might not have me for very much longer," she warned.
His chuckle was the last coherent sound heard in that room for a long time.
Touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
When they were done, she fell asleep, with her head on his shoulder and her arm draped over his chest. Jack lay on his back with his arm draped around her shoulders, and sighed in contentment. Usually, she rolled back over to her side of the bed and went to sleep, as if real intimacy was forbidden. For the first time, she seemed to finally trust him, to let him in. Perhaps there was hope for them after all.
I'm really close tonight
And I feel like I'm moving inside her
Lying in the dark
I think that I'm beginning to know her
Let it go, I'll be there when you call
He fell asleep and dreamed of the future.
~~ * ~~
Jack opened his eyes to find Rachel watching him with a wistful smile on her face.
"Morning," he smiled.
"Sweet dreams?" she asked, grinning cheekily.
"Very," he answered, "Especially the ones with you in them."
She swatted him playfully, "Don't start getting all mushy on me, Jack."
"Too late," he told her mournfully.
She laughed, but then she turned serious again. "Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for understanding... and for waiting."
"You're worth it, Rach."
You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath, and the door for me
Thanks for your patience
She smiled, and kissed him gently on the lips. "I love you, Jack. I should've said it before, but I'm saying it now."
His eyes conveyed all the happiness in the world. "I love you too, Rach."
He slid his hand up her spine, enjoying the softness of her skin. She was kissing his throat and moaning with pleasure when they were interrupted by the persistent ringing of Jack's mobile phone.
Jack groaned in annoyance; Rachel chuckled in amusement.
Disentangling himself from his partner, Jack knelt on the floor and pulled his mobile phone from the pocket of his discarded trousers. "Christey," he sighed, as Rachel crawled onto the floor behind him and started kissing the back of his neck. "Morning Helen." He listened to the voice on the other end of the line, trying not to let Rachel distract him as she manoeuvred herself in front of him and began nibbling on his free ear.
"Yeah, sorry Helen, I forgot to set my... ooh!" he yelped, as Rachel's kisses drifted lower. "Nah, I'm fine," he told Helen, "Just saw a cockroach... it gave me a bit of a shock, yeah.... How long?" He looked down at Rachel, who grinned at him evilly. "Uh, say about forty-five minutes? ...Well, I haven't had breakfast yet, can't go detecting on an empty stomach, you know... Yeah, okay, I'll try to make it half an hour. See you, Sarge"
Helen was sure she heard a sultry chuckle before the line went dead.
~~ * ~~
Forty-five minutes later, Rachel stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel. Wrapping it around herself, she filled a glass with water and reached into the cabinet for her birth control pills.
Rachel frowned. She was sure there was only supposed to be one left.
She couldn't have forgotten one, could she? It was such a routine thing that she didn't even think about it anymore. Walk out of shower, get towel, get glass of water, swallow pill...
Damn! She'd been in a hurry yesterday; two weeks off of work had thrown her internal clock into chaos, and she'd hit the snooze button on her alarm one too many times. She'd decided to skip her morning shower and head straight downstairs for breakfast. Forgetting the blasted pill.
What was it they said about life being stranger than fiction?
She may have lost one baby, but now there was a chance she could have another. There was chance, and she liked that, somehow. It had a certain symmetry about it; like a story ending where it began. She and Jack hadn't discussed yet whether they wanted to try to have a baby, but if life made the decision for her, she would be up for it. She had a sneaking suspicion that Jack would be, too.
Fate would decide now.
~~ * ~~
....Of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: "It might have been!"
--John Greenleaf Whittier
~~finis
Well? What did you all think? Was it worth the wait? Does it need more work? I live for feedback! Could you send me some, pretty please?? gets down on hands and knees...>activate begging mode> lotus79@startrekmail.com
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