I never thought I'd live to see the day when myself wasn't enough for me. Then I stopped seeing him as just a guy: he was a silver-eyed fallen angel. I don't know when it first happened — me falling for him, I mean — but at the time, I couldn't imagine my life without him there by my side. The day I first realized my true feelings was burned into my brain like a farmer's brand was to his cows.
We were watching Return Of The Insane Zombie Pirates from Hell, the first one, because after finally getting around to seeing the third, Tord complained that it wasn't true to the original's blend of horror and comedy. It was his absolute favorite movie and he'd convinced us to re-watch it with him, though Tom got pissed and left about half an hour in after Tord made a comment that was only half-joking. He had the bowl of popcorn on his left side and me comfortably on his right, both within arm's reach. When he remarked on events, he'd always turn to me and it was the most verbose I'd seen him in a long time. It wasn't until the climax of the movie, a hyberbolically gory fight scene, that he laughed the hardest he had throughout the entire runtime. It was his favorite part, a bloody mess played for laughs that just made me wince violently.
But then he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me in a little closer, guffawing, face red in exuberance. He smelled of sweat and cologne mixed together and cigarette smoke distinct above the rest, though I didn't mind it at all.
He turned his head to me, panting softly, trying to catch his breath as he said, "They'll never make sequel this good!"
His breath was warm on my neck, increasing my temperature exponentially, and smelled of popcorn and peppermint, which I knew he only ate to try to kill the stretch of smoke. He could've said literally anything, but I felt the color rush to my face as I imagined closing the gap between us, him purring in my ear, me getting to taste that cool mint which sent excited shivers down my spine...
He was gone too fast. The moment which lasted only about ten seconds had felt like hours. A friendly gesture was so much more to me, and I knew in my soul that I wanted him as more than just a pal and I could deny all the signs of this no longer.
I spend over a year after that painfully aware of how I pined for him. Sometimes, I was convinced he didn't even like me, so I made a conscious effort to get closer to him, to make him see how nice I could be. I made room for him when I previously had only space for myself, and it was weird, yet astounding. I savored every moment I spent with him. Edd never said anything, though I got the feeling he knew when I was stared at Tord for a little too long.
He was always at loggerheads with Tom, so at least the latter never noticed what was up with me when I'd get lost in his eyes. Two beautiful people, me just more beautiful, of course, together. It sounded so good to me. I gave myself pep talks in the mirror, saying he wouldn't reject someone as hot as myself and I didn't have anything to worry about. Well, after so many months of wishing, I finally decided that I had enough: I had to make a move before he found someone. Was he even gay? I'd never really seen him with a girl...Or maybe he was bi like me? I'd never know if I never asked. He'd never be mine if I didn't ask. And I had to hope and pray that he wouldn't hate me when he found out.
Around this time, Edd started to take an interest in flowers. He'd keep them around the house all the time to draw, study and care for. So I thought to myself: 'You should buy Tord some flowers!' And that's exactly what I did. I bought him bouquet of red roses, the international symbol for "I love you." I missed Valentine's Day by a few months, but my spirit was not dampened. Attached to the flowers was a letter saying all the words my mouth could not properly form.
I was in my room as it sat on my dresser, trying to eliminate my lingering doubt. I wanted this badly and nothing would be able to stop me at that point, right? As I picked up the flowers, someone knocked on my door and I dropped the bouquet in surprise. I opened up and there was just the boy I wanted to see, looking up at me.
"Hey, Tord. Glad you came — I wanted to talk to you about something important." I felt myself perspiring anxiously. He seemed...down. Was he okay?
"That's funny, since I came to do the same thing."
My sweat dropped as every bad possibility rushed through my mind in seconds. Suddenly, I was terrified.
In an attempt to stall myself from completing my original task, I replied, "Oh, okay. You can go first, then."
He shifted nervously, something he practically never did. "Are you sure about that?"
"Go ahead — my thing can wait." I pulled the door open a bit more widely to invite him in and plopped down on my bed, patting next to me to tell him to sit. He did so immediately.
"Matt, you know how you're my sounding board, right?" I always thought that would've been Edd, but I nodded in agreement. "So you know about how I want to be a scientist and an inventor. This should not be news to you..." He kept turning away like he couldn't bear to look at me.
"What's wrong?"
His eyebrows were furrowed in distress, his mouth in a deepset frown. He looked so unlike the man I knew all those years. "Well, I can't be what I want to be here. Even though this is my home, I want to follow my dreams and maybe this isn't the right place for that."
It was silent for a moment as gears slowly turned in my brain. Then it clicked and I felt my breath hitch. "You're leaving." The words were heavy and sunk as soon as they were spoken.
"I'm afraid so."
I asked the only thing I could've without losing my cool: "When?"
He knitted his hands together pensively. "Two days from now." It was suddenly difficult to watch him as well.
"Do Tom and Edd know?" I knew anger was scrawled across my visage, but I wasn't mad at him: I was mad at myself for not acting sooner.
"I'm telling them right after this. I felt like I should've let you know first."
"Where are you going? When are you coming back?"
He shrugged listlessly. "I don't know. I mean, I guess I'll return one day, but the places I'm going don't really have much give so it could be months...years."
Although tears pricked at the corners of my eyes, I refused to cry in front of him. "We'll keep in contact though, right?"
"Uh, yeah. I guess so. But, Matt, I just want you to do one thing for me when I leave, just in case we lose touch or if I really am gone for a long time."
"Anything," I returned, not being able to recall the last I'd been that sure of something.
"Promise you'll never forget me."
"Forget you? Tord, I could never..."
He looked me in the eye and smiled sadly. "It wouldn't be the first time it happened if you do."
"What? No!" I denied feverishly. "No, no, no. Listen to me: no matter what happens, I could never forget you. I lo—" I paused for half a second, "think you're awesome. Go out there and knock them dead. You'll be the most famous scientist/inventor there ever was. I should be asking you to remember me when you're rolling in money."
He giggled at that one and said, "Thanks, Matt. I appreciate that." He stood up and prepared to exit, but as he had turned the doorknob, he whirled back to me and mentioned, "Oh, you wanted to tell me something before I dropped the bomb on you?" The wind was gone from my sails — why was I bothering?
"No, it's not important anymore. It's okay."
"What? Are you sure?" he asked.
"Yeah. Irrelevant." The words burned my tongue like acid.
"Okay. I've got to go tell the others." I squeezed my eyes shut, emotions raging within.
"I'll miss you, Tord," I forced out.
"I'll miss you too, old friend."