nor do we even keep

the memory of being born

although to come into being was tumultuous and new

los nacimientos (births), Pablo Neruda

Surprisingly, it's Lanie that breaks the fragile calm that settles over the six of them like the skin that flakes off and drifts down from the building falling to its knees at their side. "Okay. You two take this bus and I'll go with Javi in the other."

"Chica, I'm-"

"Do not tell me you're fine, Javier Esposito." Lanie growls, wheeling around to poke her finger into his chest. Not nearly as hard as Castle knows she's capable of; the sucking withdrawal of panic makes her more tender with Sito than she might be otherwise.

To his credit, Javi swallows his pride and nods slowly, letting Lanie drag him over to the waiting ambulance. The EMTs from the bus that was Sarah-Grace's very first look at the world are swarming in now, strapping Ryan down into a seat and securing Jenny and the baby too.

Castle stands at Kate's back, keeping watch over their family until the doors are closed and the ambulance pulls away to fall in line with its twin. Sucking in a breath, he settles his palm at Kate's waist and waits for the oxygen to crawl its way down to the bottom of his lungs. Even just standing next to the building his chest is tight and his skin feels molten; he can't imagine the suffering the boys are contending with.

When Kate pulls away she only goes as far as to turn and face him, her face awash with desolation. Rick cups her cheeks in his palms and dips down to kiss her, soft and careful and the touch of her mouth is like a breath of beautiful, cool air. He strokes his tongue past the barrier of her lips, settling his hand at her lumbar curve to draw her in close.

"You are so amazing." He says against her cheek, one hand tucking an errant strand of her hair back behind her ear. The perfect shell of it is the same colour as the blush that floods her cheeks and once again Rick finds himself staggered by Kate's complete and total lack of any kind of flaw.

She manages a brittle laugh, wilting against him until her forehead meets his collar bone and he can cup the curve of her skull. "I don't feel amazing. That was. . .horrific."

"I know. But they're okay. Our niece is here. And you were so strong."

There's something close to terror still rooted in his fiancée, the hard set of her jaw and the too-dark flit of her eyes from him to their surroundings every few seconds. "No, not really. I feel weird. Brittle."

"Are you in shock?" He murmurs to her, trying not to put any ideas in her head but he does need to make sure. And she's been in shock before, he knows it, so she'll be able to tell. All throughout this awful ordeal he kept his distance, gave her the space to be authoritative and powerful but now it's over and he needs to keep her safe.

"I. . .no? I'm just tired. And the adrenaline's making me crazy." She grits out, clutching at his biceps as if she's scared she'll fall down otherwise.

Castle curves an arm low around her waist and presses his fingers into her hip, starts guiding her over towards the car. For a fleeting moment he contemplates propping her up against it and giving her a minute to collect herself, but it's too close to that night almost three years ago now and so instead he tugs open the passenger door and guides her inside.

"You're shaking." He says quietly, pressing a careful kiss to her temple and smoothing her hair back again. "So I'll drive. You good to head to the hospital?"

"Yes, yeah. I wanna hold my niece." She manages a smile, and even though it's thin and a little watery at the corners it's the second most beautiful thing he's seen all day after watching their boys emerge from the building's gaping mouth with flames licking at their heels.

Castle rounds the front of the car and climbs into the driver's seat, adjusting the mirrors and the seat before he puts on his belt. When he glances at Kate she hasn't moved at all, no belt on and her eyes somewhere without him.

"Come on Kate, love. Do you need me to put your belt on? How's the hand?" Beckett almost broke her index finger apprehending a suspect a couple days ago so now she has her index and middle fingers strapped together, the black bands too stark a contrast to her pale skin so his guts flood with desolation every time he catches sight of it. He hates when she's hurting, and hates more that she's almost angry at herself for allowing it to happen.

"It's alright." Kate murmurs, thankfully rousing enough to at least fasten her belt before her neck seems to just give up and her skull meets the headrest, her eyes slamming closed.

Castle leans over enough to dust a kiss to her cheek, his belt cutting into his throat but he can't even manage to care because he can still taste the acrid wrongness of smoke and flames on her. "Hey, for what it's worth? I'm proud of you."

"Thank you, Rick." She breathes out, her eyes resolutely closed so her lashes dip down into the creamy skin underneath like feathers on a lake. "Can we go? I'm having a hard time believing that they're really okay. I need to see them."

"Right. Of course." God, he's an ass. After all, Kate's not the one who spent hours trapped in a burning building. So even though she's always his top priority, the person most precious to him after Alexis, he has to let go of the fierce wall of protectiveness that rises up inside him.

She's alright. She's alright, but the boys? Might not be.

All Kate has to do is flash her badge at the nurse manning the desk and they're waved right through, her knees finally seeming to lock underneath her. Nonetheless, she keeps a tight hold of Castle's hand all the way up to the maternity ward.

Jenny is in a hospital gown already, her newborn daughter being checked over by a midwife. A more pressing draw for Kate's attention, though, is the swarm of nurses around Ryan trying to attend to him or get him to his feet or something. Kevin stares right through them, his gaze flitting between his wife and his daughter as if he's helpless to decide which is more beautiful to him.

"Dude." Castle says, shaking his head at the bewildered new father in front of him. "You should go get checked out properly."

"I don't want to leave her." Ryan says defiantly, swatting at a nurse that comes a little too close to the open wound at his temple. It's so unlike him that Kate takes a step backward, coming up against the wall of Castle's chest. But that gives her all the momentum she needs.

Kate moves to crouch down next to Ryan's chair and take his hand, managing to command his attention for just long enough to meet his eyes. "Hey. We'll stay with her. You go get cleaned up and checked out so you can come back to your baby and hold her and none of us will worry that you're about to collapse."

"Don't leave her."

"We'll stay right here until you get back, I promise." Kate murmurs, standing up when she gets a nod from Ryan. He eases up out of his chair and sighs, following the nurses out of the room and down the corridor. Beckett moves the chair over to Jenny's bedside and grins widely at her, squeezing her hand and then letting go and sitting back to give Jenny room as the midwife hands Sarah-Grace over.

"Don't tell Kevin," Jenny laughs, shaking her head. "I'm so glad it's a girl. I mean, Javier?"

And then Castle snorts from right behind her and Kate tips her head back to see him, tilting to press a kiss to the hand he rests at her shoulder. Somehow it's okay again. The six of them are pretty damn resilient. They've made it through worse than this.

"She's beautiful, Jenny. You did good." Castle says, stepping around Kate to kiss Jenny's cheek. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go check on Esposito and Lanie. Jenny, try not to put Kate off, okay? I'm still hoping for a couple of our own someday."

He strokes a finger over the curve of Sarah-Grace's cheek, overwhelmed by this brand new little person it would seem and then he stops to kiss Kate softly on his way out of the door, humming his love against her mouth.

Kate turns back to Jenny and touches her fingertip to the baby's little palm, remarking at the way the tiny fingers close around hers. "Wow. She's so perfect."

"She is, huh?" Jenny beams, eyes only for her daughter as the girl stares back up at her mother.

Beckett swallows back the hard edge of emotion in her throat and watches the slow fall and drag back open of the baby's eyelids. "Is it. . .worth it?"

"Yes." Jenny says without hesitation, glancing at Kate before Sarah-Grace mewls and sucks all of her mother's attention right back to herself. "It's the most amazing thing I've ever done already, and I'm only just getting started."

"Rick wants this for us. Soon. He doesn't want to wait long after the wedding." Kate shrugs, chewing on her lower lip and circling her thumb over the perfect skin at the back of the baby's hand. It still surprises her actually, how much she does want it.

Jenny arranges her daughter until the tiny girl's cheek is pressed to the bare skin above the neckline of her hospital gown, the warmth of her mother's skin apparently enough to comfort Sarah-Grace and stop her fussing. The baby probably wants to feed, but Kate did promise Ryan that she wouldn't leave Jenny until he came back. So unless Kevin's wife asks, Beckett isn't going anywhere.

"And you're not ready?" Jenny says, readjusting the knitted cap that covers the pale dusting of hair on the baby's scalp.

Kate presses her wrist to her forehead and sighs, her eyes slamming closed again. It's so damn difficult. "I don't know. I do want it with him, and God knows we've both had enough of waiting. But. . .my job."

"Rick's done the stay at home dad thing before though right?"

"Yeah, he has. But I don't want to lose him at the precinct. Is that selfish?" A bitter laugh spills out and Kate coughs violently, her eyes watering. Apparently she inhaled more smoke than she realised.

Jenny frees a hand from underneath her daughter to squeeze Kate's, her eyes gentle and sympathetic. It's probably one of the things that she loves the most about Kevin's wife, her complete lack of judgement. Jenny is just really sweet, and such a great match for Ryan. "It's not selfish at all. But I'm sure you guys would figure it out. You should tell him this, Kate."

"I feel like such a horrible person. I love my job and I don't want to give it up, but I don't want to miss so much of our children's lives." Too late, Kate realises how that might sound. That maybe she thinks Ryan will miss the important moments of Sarah-Grace's life. "Not that Kevin- I don't-"

"I know what you mean. You should talk to the captain. See what allowances she could make. And talk to Rick, too. Start off with 'I want to have your children' and then he'll probably agree to anything." Jenny laughs.

Before Kate can respond, thank her for the insight she didn't know she needed so badly, the door is opening and Javier is coming through with Castle and Lanie on one arm each. His feet are dragging and his body looks wrecked but he's smiling so wide that his eyes are almost closed.

"What are you doing out of bed?" Jenny scolds, but she reaches out a hand to snag Espo's and reel him in.

Kate stands up to let Javi have her chair and he flops into it heavily, eyes only for the baby in Jenny's arms. "I'll go back in a minute. I just wanted to meet my niece."

He's wheezing badly and Kate winces, moves for the shelter of Castle's arms. Her fiancé draws her close, his body warm and lovely and Kate nuzzles her nose into his neck. Arching up onto tiptoe, Kate settles her mouth at his ear and whispers to him. "How is he?"

"He's supposed to be on oxygen. He only sat still long enough for his stitches and then he demanded to come hold the baby before he'd cooperate further." Castle murmurs back to her, dropping a kiss to her mouth like punctuation.

Next to the bed, Lanie is carefully handing the brand new member of their family over and arranging the girl in Javi's arms, hovering nearby in case Esposito proves too exhausted to manage it. And then Ryan is appearing in the doorway and staggering into the room, sitting down at his wife's hip and leaning in to kiss her. "Hi beautiful."

"Ryan, you okay man?" Esposito says, standing up with the help of Lanie's palm splayed at his back so he can pass Ryan's daughter into her father's arms.

"Yeah, good. Not supposed to be in here but I don't care. They listed my injuries but I'm too happy to notice."

Castle dips down to find Kate's ear, his voice sotto voce and his fingers lacing with hers. "We should go. Let them all get some rest."

"Okay." She murmurs back, and then louder "guys, Castle and I are going to head home. We'll come back around lunch time?"

"Cool, see you then Beckett." Ryan says, hardly even glancing up from the tiny, perfect face of his daughter.

Kate lets Castle lead her out of the room and to the elevator, stepping inside of the car with him and leaning heavily against his side. Suddenly, the effort of making it all the way back to the loft seems too much and she whimpers, turning her face into his shoulder.

"Hey sweetheart." Castle drops a kiss to the crown of her head and Kate huffs a sigh at the pet name even as her body crumbles closer into his. "You hungry?"

"No. I just want to sleep and sleep. Are you tired?"

He lifts an eyebrow, chuckling quietly at her and leading her out of the elevator when the doors open onto the lobby. Kate's heels are too loud; make her heart pound in the dead silence of two in the morning. "Detective Beckett, are you asking me to sleep with you?"

"Yes. Castle it's horrible, but the whole time I was just so glad that I didn't send you and Ryan to search the warehouse and keep Espo with me. I was so glad it wasn't you. I couldn't have. . ." She trails off, the absolute suffocating depth of her grief too much to contend with even in spite of his fingers so thick and solid between hers.

"I'm not going anywhere, Kate. And for the record, you weren't the only one feeling that way. I love the boys, I do, but I was so glad it wasn't you." He squeezes her fingers in his and ushers her through the automatic door ahead of him. The parking lot was pretty empty so the car is thankfully close to the entrance and this time Kate doesn't even have to be manhandled into the passenger seat.

She's in no fit state to drive and they both know it. Castle stops at her side and leans in to kiss her, harder than she's expecting and it makes her hum in contentment and lift up in to him. When he breaks away he kisses the end of her nose and laughs as it makes her blink, his face flooded with something close to adoration.

"I love you, Kate Beckett. Let's go home and sleep."

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