The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer character has been baked into brownies. Just more madness from my tiny little mind.
The Brownie Brouhaha
"I can't believe Ms. Archer is actually coming in today," Cheryl grumbled as she sat at her desk. "Sober!"
"Well sober-ish," Ray admitted. "For Ms. Archer. At least Lana was able to get us a warning this time."
"Exactly," Cyril said to the remaining members of the Figgis Agency. "So, there is no reason why when Ms. Archer walks through that door, she will see nothing but diligent hardworking employees."
"Except for the fact that we have no work," Ray added.
"Just do what we always do and fake it!" Cyril snapped. "Pretend to look busy! Type on a computer! Answer a phone! It's not that hard! Odds are Ms. Archer is just going to go into the office for a few hours and drink herself into a stupor anyway. All we have to do is stay under her radar until she's plastered."
"Which lately isn't that long," Pam added. "Now that she's popping pills like they're M&M's."
"Exactly," Cyril said. "Today for once, we are going to at least pretend to be an efficient quiet office where nothing will go wrong! Got it?"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"What the…?" Ray did a double take as the building shook a little.
"Do you smell smoke?" Pam sniffed.
"It's coming from outside!" Krieger pointed. Indeed, billowing smoke was starting to flow upwards.
The sounds of shouting could be heard. "What the…?" Cyril blinked as he went to investigate at the window. "Are those police cars? Why…"
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
"AAAAHH!" Cyril screamed as a bullet pierced the window, narrowly missing him. He fell to the floor. "DUCK AND COVER! DUCK AND COVER!"
"DUKES!" Ray also fell to the floor. So did Krieger.
Cheryl sat at her desk giggling with glee. "Damn it," Pam groaned as she grabbed Cheryl and pulled her down to the floor with her. "I hate it when days start with gunfire!"
"You were saying Cyril?" Ray asked sarcastically as the sounds of a firefight were going on. "About nothing going wrong?"
"I hate my life," Cyril moaned.
Later that day Lana was driving Mallory to the Figgis Agency. "I can't believe how low we had to sink to get in the good graces of County Day's new vice principal," Mallory grumbled.
"Oh, you can't believe it can you?" Lana snapped. "Somehow I can!"
"Volunteering to give brownies for a bake sale?" Mallory asked. "A bake sale? At County Day? With what that tuition I'm mostly paying they can afford a week's worth of meals at Tavern On The Green!"
"It's a very simple way to make a good impression," Lana said. "Not too many parents donated baked goods."
"That's because they were smart to just write a damn check!" Mallory snapped. "How much you want to bet half of the food there will end up in the teacher's lounge? It's just degrading!"
"That's rich coming from you!" Lana snapped.
"What do you mean?"
"You didn't have to literally shove those brownies into the vice principal's hands and offer a lap dance," Lana gave Mallory a look.
"He's new," Mallory said. "I wanted to make a good impression."
"More like an indentation," Lana said.
"I was just trying to ingratiate myself with the new vice principal," Mallory explained.
"After you made a bad impression with the old one by hitting on him in front of his wife," Lana added.
"What happened to the first vice principal?" Mallory asked. "Why did he leave? Did he transfer?"
"Yes," Lana sighed. "To a mental health facility outside of Arizona. You know how some people just can't handle the sound of recorders?"
"Those plastic pretend flutes?" Mallory asked. "Oh God. Those things are horrible."
"In hindsight asking Vice Principal Chalmers to head the school band where they had over fifty of those things playing at the same time was not a good idea," Lana told Mallory. "AJ told me he ran out of the room screaming when half the class hit a sour note at the same time. It took the firefighters two and a half hours to coax him out of the tree."
"Shame we didn't hit it off," Mallory mused. "We had so much in common. Anyway, that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I managed to use my charm on the new vice principal."
"Charm? Is that what you call it?" Lana snapped. "You practically gave the man a hand job!"
"It worked didn't it?"
"And did you have to say you baked those brownies from scratch?" Lana snapped. "When the only thing you've made from scratch is a moonshine cocktail knockoff!"
"It's not like you baked the brownies yourself," Mallory protested. "Did you?"
"No," Lana admitted. "But I would have liked the credit. I guess I should be happy that you came to AJ's school anyway. And you're coming into work today."
"I know I've been slacking," Mallory admitted. "I need to check in on the agency at least once a week now. If only to keep abreast of the latest idiocy and stave off any disasters."
Lana noticed something. "We might be a bit too late for that…"
Mallory saw it too. "Oh, what fresh hell is this?"
The street was littered with broken glass and yellow police tape. Yellow police tape covered the café next door. One of the Figgis Agency's windows was broken. And a police car was out front of the café.
"Idiots…" Mallory grumbled.
"It looks like most of the damage is confined to the café next door," Lana said. "There's a possibility that they weren't involved."
"That's the same possibility I'll wake up and find that I've turned into the Queen of England," Mallory growled. "Not bloody likely!"
Soon Mallory and Lana were storming into the Figgis Agency, where they found their staff drinking in the bullpen. "All right idiots!" Mallory snapped. "What did you do this time?"
"It looks like a war zone out there," Lana said.
"Technically it was," Ray sighed as he took a drink.
"Oh hi," Cyril said to them. "We had an interesting day. Mallory, Lana you want to hear about our interesting day?"
"You know the café next door?" Pam asked. "The one with the new owners? Who moved in after the old owners closed up after the duck incident?"
"Duck incident?" Mallory blinked.
"Don't ask," Ray groaned.
"I saw something about ducks invading LA on the news," Mallory remembered. "Krieger?"
"Krieger," Pam nodded.
"I was hoping that wasn't the case," Mallory sighed. "But once again my hopes are dashed like a broken empty bottle along the pavement."
"Anyway, you know almost immediately after the duck debacle, the café next door got new owners," Pam added. "Until today. If you haven't noticed."
Lana said. "We saw all the police tape and carnage outside. What happened?"
"The LA Anti-Drug Task Force," Ray remarked. "Turns out our neighbors were selling pot laced brownies that weren't registered with the state. And croissants with heroin bags inside."
"Oh my God!" Lana gasped.
"Yeah our first clue something was wrong was when the SWAT team started throwing those smoke bombs," Cyril sighed.
"They were really loud," Cheryl added. "A lot of screaming. Yelling. A few shots fired…"
"Not at us," Ray explained. "But we did manage to get one of our front windows smashed in the kerfuffle. Stray bullet and all."
"I'm amazed the police didn't have any questions for you," Lana said.
"Oh, they had questions for us," Cyril said. "Mainly was how the hell could a detective agency not know that their neighbors were selling drugs?"
"They were not too happy with the answer," Pam said.
Cyril groaned. "It took us three and a half hours explaining to five police detectives and the head of the Drug Task force to convince them that yes! We are that incompetent!"
"Really?" Mallory blinked. "Three and a half hours? That long?"
"Most of them were convinced within the first hour," Ray explained. "There were a couple of holdouts. Until they called it in and they checked on us. Apparently, our reputation is starting to get well known among the LA PD."
"They made some very uncalled for comments after that," Krieger sniffed.
"They were really rude, weren't they?" Cheryl nodded.
"Cyril was able to convince the cops that while turning a blind eye may be an offense," Pam added. "Being completely clueless isn't."
"Thank God none of them had a search warrant for our office," Cyril groaned. "And that Krieger kept all his crazy drugs and animals in his lab for once."
"Unfortunately, Milton got out," Pam added. "Started throwing toast around. And that started a whole host of other questions and other very unkind comments."
"Let's just say there's a slight chance we might get investigated by the Better Business Bureau and the Department of Los Angeles Fraud squad," Cyril groaned. "As well as some ethics committee I've never even heard of."
"And it was strongly suggested that we should go into pretty much any other business but this one," Pam added. "But they aren't charging us with anything."
"Lucky for us they didn't look in our kitchen," Krieger groaned. "I bought several boxes of brownies yesterday!"
"Hang on," Lana did a double take. "Please tell me none of the boxes from the café were pink and white!"
"Yeah," Krieger said. "In fact, I noticed I'm missing a couple of boxes. I just figured Pam ate them."
"I didn't touch them," Pam said. "I was kind of on a bearclaw kick yesterday so…"
"Oh no…" Lana groaned.
"What?" Ray asked.
"We need to get to County Day!" Lana said. "Fast!"
"You didn't!" Ray gasped.
"Did what?" Krieger asked.
"Don't tell me," Cyril gasped.
"Tell him what?" Krieger asked.
"I needed brownies for the bake sale this afternoon!" Lana said. "I didn't have time to bake and I saw them in the cupboards so I figured I could just take one or two boxes. Take them out of the box and put them on a plate…"
"Not that blue plate I just literally gave to the principal!" Mallory gasped.
"She did!" Ray groaned.
"HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THEY WERE LACED WITH POT?" Lana shouted.
"That does explain why I was always happy after I ate them," Cyril realized.
"Me too," Pam blinked. "I just thought it was the chocolate buzz."
"I'm afraid those brownies have a different kind of buzz," Ray groaned.
"You gave AJ's school pot brownies?" Cheryl laughed. "That's hilarious!"
"Oh, dear God!" Mallory gasped. "We've got to get those brownies back!"
"If you don't," Pam said. "Goodbye County Day! Hello public schools."
"WE GOTTA GET THOSE BROWNIES!" Lana and Mallory screamed at the same time. They fled out the door.
"Come on!" Cheryl jumped up. "This I gotta see!"
"I got nothing better to do," Cyril admitted.
"Why not?" Ray sighed as they went with the others.
It wasn't long before everyone was in Krieger's van with Krieger driving. "Why the hell are all of you coming?" Mallory snapped as she sat in the front seat.
"Phrasing! Boom!" Pam whooped.
"Dear God I do not have the time nor the patience for your particular jackassery!" Mallory shouted. "We have a real situation here! This has nothing to do with any of you idiots! Why are you coming?"
"Phrasing!" Cheryl laughed.
"I swear to god Cheryl," Lana glared at her. "So help me, I will hit you so hard even you wouldn't enjoy it!"
"Is that a challenge?" Cheryl teased.
"Let's just say Archer may not be the only one ending up in a coma if you keep this up!" Lana snarled.
"And that goes for the rest of you!" Mallory snarled. "Don't be surprised if you end up as medical experiments! Except for you Krieger because I know that's your dream job!"
"Technically my dream job is running the medical experiments," Krieger added. "But I get the message."
"Inappropes," Cyril shuddered.
"Harsh," Pam winced. "It's just that we care about AJ's welfare too."
"Well that and we want to be there when we see her get kicked out," Cheryl added. "And both Lana and Ms. Archer have a huge nervous breakdown and…"
WHAM!
Lana knocked out Cheryl with one punch. "Anyone else want to make a smart remark?" Lana snarled.
"Noooope," Ray gulped. "Everyone here is on Team AJ and the goal is to make sure she stays in school. Right guys?"
"Yup, yup, yup!" Krieger agreed nervously.
"Yeah that's why we came here," Pam gulped as Lana cracked her knuckles. "To help AJ."
"Definitely," Cyril groaned. "Do we have a plan or…?"
"Just shut up and let me think!" Mallory snapped. "Here's the school and…Uh oh…"
There were several adults staggering around the front lawn of County Day. In some cases, singing and dancing around. Other adults that were clearly sober were either trying to calm them down or looked extremely annoyed.
"This does not bode well," Mallory winced as they parked the van on the side of the street.
"Reality man, reality!" A male teacher who had painted his face blue staggered around giggling.
"Something tells me the good ship Mary Jane has sailed," Ray remarked as they got out of the van. Except for Cheryl who was passed out.
"My hair is green! I'm a tree!" A woman staggered by giggling.
"What did you do?" Mallory asked Lana. "Give them Krieger's LSD breath strips too?"
"No!" Lana said. "I guess the pot is strong or something."
"Looks like they're on something as well as pot," Pam quipped.
"Well they are teachers," Ray remarked. "Odds are…"
"Oh God!" Lana gasped. "What if AJ or any other kid got into the brownies?"
"I don't think that's happened Lana," Mallory looked around. "All these pot heads are adults."
Lana noticed someone and ran over. "Excuse me! You're Mrs. Machiello the librarian, aren't you? I'm Lana Kane! Abbiejean's mother! What's going on? Are the children okay?"
"It's all right," Mrs. Machiello a dark-haired stout woman in a sensible purple dress said. "The children are fine. They're all sheltering in place in their classroom. Not a single one got affected."
"Thank goodness," Mallory groaned.
"Oh, I remember you," Mrs. Machiello looked at Mallory. "You're the one that made Mrs. Fine go nuts."
"This isn't about me this time!" Mallory snapped. "What happened?"
"Some jackass thought it would be funny to bring some pot laced brownies to the bake sale!" Mrs. Machiello snarled. "Fortunately, the teachers and staff got to them first…"
"Told you," Mallory said to Lana. She looked at the librarian. "You didn't have any?"
"I'm trying to cut down," Mrs. Machiello remarked. "I'm on a low sugar diet."
"Lucky for you," Mallory quipped.
"Mallory!" Lana snapped. "Do you know who did this?"
"I'm a bird! I'm a bird!" The green haired woman laughed as she ran by flapping her arms.
"Honestly it could be anyone," Mrs. Machiello sighed. "I'm afraid this isn't the first time I've seen some drug use among the staff at this school."
"Awk! Awk! Awk! Awk!" The green haired woman flapped by along with two other women. "Awk! Awk!"
"This is just the first time I've seen it happen to so many at once," Mrs. Machiello blinked. "I mean I've smelled the occasional joint in the teacher's bathrooms. Seen some flasks of sherry. A couple of these people pop anti-depressants like they're candy. But still…"
"I can see down to the center of the earth!" The blue faced man danced around. "Purple flame down there with a pilot light!"
"Sounds like his pilot light has been snuffed out," Cyril remarked.
"Calling Joe Friday," Ray quipped. "Line one!"
"OH MY GOD!" Someone yelled.
"Oh, what fresh hell is this?" Mrs. Machiello groaned as she went to investigate. Lana and the others followed.
They found a half-naked man and a naked blonde young woman under some coats in the bushes. "Hello…" The man said in an embarrassed tone.
"Vice Principal French!" Mrs. Machiello gasped. "LAURIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"Having sex duh!" Laurie giggled. "Man, I feel great! The vice principal is a really good lover!"
"How could you?" Mallory shouted.
"Seriously?" Lana looked at Mallory.
"Having sex with a subordinate!" Mallory bristled. "Seriously?"
"Seriously?" Cyril looked at her.
Mallory elbowed Cyril. Cyril coughed and decided it was best to play along. "How could you?" He said. "A man in your position taking advantage of a young teaching assistant! For shame! Shame! Shame!"
"Not cool man!" Pam agreed. "Totally inappropes!"
"I am shocked! Shocked I say!" Ray said in a scandalized tone. "Are you shocked Krieger?"
"Ehh…" Krieger began. Before Ray elbowed him. "Yes, I am very shocked! Just so…Shocked!"
"I think shocked is the word we are going for here," Pam said. "Right Ms. Archer?"
"Extremely shocked," Mallory nodded. She then saw something. "Lana don't you think you should be shocked at this situation too?" She pointed to something discreetly.
That's when Lana saw her blue plate right next to them.
Two seconds later Lana's instincts kicked in.
"Laurie! What did you do?" Lana shouted very loudly. "You brought in brownies laced with pot? How could you?"
"What?" Mrs. Machiello did a double take.
"I saw you the other day with that exact same plate!" Lana shouted pointing at the plate. "Coming out of that bakery that got busted for putting in illegal drugs in their pastries! But I never thought…"
"WHAT?" Mrs. Machiello gasped.
"What?" Vice Principal French blinked.
"Whaaaaa…?" Laurie blinked.
"I should have known!" Mrs. Machiello shouted. "I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WAS YOU!"
"Did you catch her sniffing glue by accident too?" Lana asked innocently.
"How'd you know I do that?" Laurie blinked.
"WHAT?" Mrs. Machiello shouted.
"I'm not surprised," Someone else growled.
"This explains a lot!" A man from the crowd groaned.
"AWWK! AWWWK!"
"SHEILA PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON AND GET OUT OF THAT TREE!" Another woman yelled.
"Well I am just shocked that this goes on at County Day!" Lana said in a judgmental tone.
"Shocking!" Ray said for dramatic affect. "Just shocking!"
"It's just so shocking," Pam nodded.
"Very shocking," Krieger added. "Not as bad as the time Piggly got his snout on the electric taser but still shocking."
"Shame!" Cyril shook his head. "Shame…"
"I will have strong words with not only the principal but the PTA about this shocking behavior!" Lana added.
"As will I!" Mallory snapped. "This is not the education I wanted my granddaughter to have! If it was I'd just as well have shipped her off to Woodstock!"
"Shocking," Ray shook his head.
"Just shocking," Pam agreed.
"Really shocking," Krieger added. "Boy could that pig squeal."
"Shame! Shame!" Cyril added. "Shame!"
"Ms. Kane…" Mrs. Machiello pleaded. "I am just as mortified as you about this whole thing!"
"I understand but I am just so shocked!" Lana said.
"As am I!" A woman shouted. By now a small crowd of sober teachers and parents had arrived. "I am so going to complain to the head of the school board over this!"
"How did all of you people find out about this so fast?" Vice Principal French snapped.
"The PTA Committee is here," Mrs. Machiello snapped.
"AWK! AWK!"
"Well maybe some of them aren't all there…" Mrs. Machiello groaned.
"Some of them got into the brownies, didn't they?" Lana asked.
"Not as many as the teachers but yeah," Mrs. Machiello sighed.
"Well this is just shocking," Ray said.
"Just shocking," Pam shook her head.
"I honestly thought County Day was above this sort of behavior," Lana snapped. "With the amount of money I pay, I expect to have my child learn in a safe environment!"
"You pay?" Mallory looked at Lana. "Seriously?"
"The whole thing with Ivy Stratton was bad enough," Cyril said. "I'm just saying…"
"He's right!" A man shouted. "There is corruption at County Day to the core! Am I the only one who remembers the faulty fire detector debacle?"
"No, you are not," Lana said.
"It's shocking," Ray said. "Shocking!"
"So very shocking," Pam agreed.
"Extremely shocking," Krieger nodded.
"Shameful and shocking," Cyril added.
"We need to do something about this," Mallory said.
"AWWK! AWWK!"
"We need to get Sheila out of that tree before she lays an egg," A man groaned.
"Obviously but we should do something other than that," Lana added.
"We should form an angry mob!" Krieger called out.
"Too far Krieger," Ray warned. "Too far."
"No, I think he's right," Mrs. Machiello said. "And I think we should start with these two!" She pointed to both Laurie and the vice principal.
"Uh oh," Vice Principal French gulped.
"What?" Laurie blinked as the vice principal pulled up his pants.
"RUN!" Vice Principal French shouted as he did so. Leaving Laurie behind.
"Come back here you coward!" Mrs. Machiello led several angry sober people after him. Some other angry sober women attacked Laurie who started running for her life wearing only a coat.
At the same time several paramedics and police officers had just arrived on scene. Some of them were trying to corral the hopped-up teachers. Some of the inebriated teachers tried to hop up and fly. Only to fall flat on their face. Some of the police officers were chasing the respective mini mobs to try to restore order.
"You can't find me!" Laurie screamed as she shed the coat. "You can't see me when I'm naked! HA! HA! HA! HA!"
"This is Sergeant O'Hara! We're gonna need backup!" One police officer shouted into his squad car radio.
"I told you that was going too far," Ray said as the Figgis Agency watched the mayhem.
"Something tells me whatever rating system they use to evaluate schools with…" Cyril sighed. "County Day just went down a full grade."
"I'm a tree! I'm a tree! I'm a tree!" The green haired woman danced around while being chased by a paramedic.
"Make that two grades," Cyril groaned.
"Cheryl's gonna be pissed she missed this," Pam snickered as she recorded the mayhem with her phone.
"Nice touch with the glue," Mallory remarked to Lana.
"It was worth a shot," Lana said. "Didn't think she'd actually be so drugged up to admit it!"
"You just wanted to plant that seed in other people's heads," Mallory nodded. "I saw where you were going there."
CRASH!
"YEAH!" One of the intoxicated teachers threw a brick into the school window. "WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION!"
"All they need is intoxication," Krieger quipped.
"Great," Mallory remarked. "They're going to need another fundraiser to deal with the damage from this fundraiser!"
"Oh look," Pam casually remarked as she recorded the action with her phone. "They finally caught Laurie. And are beating her up. As well as those policemen that are trying to stop them."
"AWWK! AWWWK!" A woman flapping her arms ran after a paramedic, trying to peck at him with her head. "BIRD ATTACK! BIRD ATTACK!"
"FORGET REGULAR BACKUP!" Sergeant O'Hara shouted. "WE'RE GONNA NEED THE SWAT TEAM!"
"We should go inside," Ray said calmly. "Find AJ. Make sure we stay out of the line of fire and not get arrested. Or tear gassed."
"Good plan," Pam nodded as they went inside.
"I agree," Mallory admitted. "I wonder if they installed a bar since the last time I was here?"
"AAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Vice Principal French ran by barely ahead of the mob.
"I think the last thing this situation needs are more intoxicants," Cyril groaned.
The following day at the Figgis Agency…
"Well the scandal at County Day is all over the society papers," Ray said as he read them at a table. "And in the front pages of the local news ones. As of now all bake sales are banned at County Day. As well as the vice principal. And a few teachers. And the librarian who apparently punched the vice principal in the groin. But she might come back after a few day's suspension so…"
"Man, that school has had a bad couple of years hasn't it?" Pam mused.
"Ever since AJ got there," Cyril said. "I'm starting to see a pattern."
"I don't feel good about what I did," Lana groaned.
"Oh please!" Mallory said. "That Laurie was about two sniffs of glue away from becoming another Carol! Trust me, Lana. You did County Day a favor!"
"It wasn't just Laurie that got fired!" Lana snapped. "The vice principal not only lost his job but his wife is suing him for divorce."
"Relax Lana," Mallory waved. "Odds are that wasn't the first teaching assistant he used to assist him with his zipper."
"It's not like any kids ate the brownies," Ray rationalized.
"That's because all those teachers scarfed them up like Pam on Free Bearclaw Day," Cyril pointed out.
Mallory told her. "Look the important thing is that you covered your ass, Lana. And nobody can trace the riot back to us!"
"Unless they see what's on Pam's phone," Krieger looked at Pam.
"I'm not sending that out! Jesus!" Pam snapped. "I'm saving it to show Archer! And Cheryl."
"Where is she?" Mallory asked.
"She had a bad reaction to the tear gas," Cyril explained. "When she finally regained consciousness, she staggered out just in time to be in the line of fire of the SWAT team."
"She'll be out of the hospital in a few days," Pam said. "She also ran into a tree when she was blinded and got a mild concussion."
"How could they tell?" Mallory quipped.
Lana's phone rang. "Oh, what fresh hell is this?" She sighed as she answered the phone. "Lana Kane speaking. Yes…Yes, I remember you. Yes, I agree. Something must be done. Getting rid of Laurie was a start but still…Oh. Of course. I'd be happy to. When is the first meeting? Yes, I think I can swing that. I'll see you at seven tonight. Where? I know where that is. All right. See you then."
Lana hung up her phone. "Huh."
"What?" Ray asked.
"I've been offered a seat on the PTA," Lana blinked. "Apparently a few people resigned or just pulled their kids out of County Day due to the incident."
"There! You see?" Mallory smiled. "Something good came out of this! You got an in with the PTA! Well done Lana!"
"What's left of it," Lana admitted.
Cyril groaned. "At this rate there probably won't be anything left of County Day by the time AJ gets to first grade."