As the sun continued to shined upon the window, Jenny Lind slowly opened her eyes and gently rose from her bed- idly resting her back to the head board of her rented hotel bed. She looked on to her left- towards the window for a while- although her eyes were unseeing of th trees that are covering some part of the sun's afternoon light. She was too busy contemplating about what happened just a few hours ago. 'I am a complete fool,' she thought as she looked away and closed her eyes. 'An utter fool.'
Jenny still feels exhausted from her... fight with Phineas a while ago. He had denied her advances towards him- resulting to her feeling like she was once again lacking; like she was not enough for him or for every other man that she fancied to be inlove with. It brought up her hidden and age-old insecurities to the surface, once again. She reminds herself that 'I am Jenny Lind- one of the most famous and renowned singer all across Europe, and now,' she mused, 'to the whole new world as well.' ('I told you I will make you the most famous singer- not only in Europe but in the whole world...and I did.' A familiar-too familiar now- playful voice said in her head. Jenny would do anything to shut it up; but would also beg that voice to never stop calling her name, calling her to him.)
'I am Jenny Lind. I am strong, I am not weak...and yet here I am, close to crying for a married man-.'
She tries her best to remind herself again that she is the Swedish nightingale- her performances back home in Europe were attended by the Queen Victoria herself. She was renowned and strong and whole even before Phineas Taylor Barnum (so why oh why does she felt like he took-tore- a part of her when he rejected her so- as if she was only complete with him-). She opened her eyes again and angle herself just so- in order to see her posture and face on the mirror adjacent to her hotel bed. 'I am strong, stronger than this, I am smart- smarter than... this. But now, why does my reflection seem so... weak?' Jenny began to try and tidy up her messy red hair- wanting to distract herself- will herself, to not let the sad woman in the mirror become her; For she is not the world-famous singer, not like herself- if she could not deal with her raging emotions--
But she is only human. No matter how high she had rose... no matter how hard she tries, she came back to feeling like she should just cry and cry and cry. After all, after last morning's... event, she realized that the man who was clearly as ambitious as she- the only man who could ever possibly understand her and love her completely; not just her talent but also someone who could relate to not feeling like a part of it all- did not feel the same.
'He is married and already have two beautiful and talented daughters. What am i thinking? I imagined love when there is none. I only fooled myself,' She bitterly mused. 'What did I expect, anyways? That Phineas would leave them for me? He would never do that, he could never do that.'
She didn't know how she would face him later. She wanted more but he will not- can not- give it to her. She wanted romance so badly- love and adventure.. but most importantly- she wanted to be with him.
'I thought he might have felt the same. But I was wrong, disasterly so. He already has a family- he was right to deny me.' She got up and prepared herself a drink. She wills herself to not spend her time brooding over her broken heart- 'I should really start to warm up my voice and prepare for tonight's tour.' She absentmindedly thought. She will try to distract herself so that she would not end up replaying and replaying what happened in her mind.
As she moved about in her room, she realized something. After all that had happened, there was one thing she did not regret saying to him- it was promising that she was done. Done risking her reputation, her heart- for a shot of love from him.
She knows that she couldn't be with him and tour with him anymore. Not after last night.
'This night would be the last.'
--
She did her best and tried to breathe in deeply. Jenny didn't want to disappoint tonight's audience further; first, with her shaky voice, and then with her not singing like she usually did- as was expected of her. As much as possible, she would try to hold in her tears- to stop her patrons from gossiping and being curious about why she was near tears tonight.
She would not cause anymore scene that would surely make the audience speculate of just what-or more precisely, who- may be the reason for her distress.
"...All the shine of a thousand spotlights,
All the stars we steal from the nightsky
Will never be enough
Never be enough..
Towers of gold are still too little,
These hands could hold the world but it'll
Never be enough,
Never be enough..."
She took one final shaky breath as she realized that she could not bring herself to sing the last 'for me's' anymore. Jenny looked first in her conductor to let him know that she can not do more anymore, and then she proceeded to look to her audience, hoping that despite not being able to sing as she usually would tonight- they would be still be awed- or at the very least content- with the emotions she hopefully made them feel as she sang. She looked down then realizing that no, they wouldn't understand- they came here- paid a fortune probably- to see and hear her sing splendidly, instead they hear an emotional wreck. She wanted to get away as fast as possible for she isn't sure of how long she could hold on her tears.
She looked up when she heard the applause of the audience. As she bowed, she mused how different this audience from her audiences before. Her past patrons were loudly cheering and shouting and chanting- 'bravo!' they had always said before - now, the audience are solemn-'and a bit reluctant,' she anxiously thought- as if they are not sure of what to feel about what they just saw.
She looked to her left then, right at the eyes of the man that she had grew to love for the past few months. (She didn't exactly know why she almost automatically seek and looked for his eyes but right now, she just wants to see him comfort her- even a little bit.)
There she saw the man that she dared to dream to be with; only to realize too late that he would never have chosen her, although rightly so.
Even if she knew he was doing the right thing, it does not change the fact that she had felt betrayed and hurt and maybe used because she was oh-so-sure that he had felt something too. Even now, Jenny Lind was not sure if he had meant to lead her on; like the other meb did- to use her for his gain and to earn more money and popularity for himself, or he had just accidentally made her feel special. 'I could kiss him now, right at the front of the audience. It would make them forget all about my failures and instead focus their energy to what could possibly be our relationship.
And I would get a taste of what could have been.. it would be like a sweet goodbye.'
She absentmindedly thought as she delicately extended her arm to him, inviting him to stage with her. Phineas reluctantly stepped away from the dark and walk to her- gently gasping her arm. 'I could kiss him... and ruin him. His reputation and all that he had worked for-worked for all his life..."
Her thought was cut off when she had looked into his brown eyes. So common, and yet it still enchants her so. 'I could not possibly do that, I would not do that. I will not be so... spiteful.'
Phineas looked at her intensely then, as if him he knew she was going to do something drastic. There are questions in his eyes and she knew that she might just as well have given the answers with her teary eyes. She looked away from him and gestured that they should bow in front of the audience instead.
As she hear them roar with approval, she immediately let go of his arm and bowed once again. 'I could not believe that I- I seriously considered to do that,' she thought as the curtains fall- hiding him and her from the audience. 'To possibly ruin him and all he had worked for... that would be... even to consider doing that was too far.' For even if she was hurting now, like never before-hurt by him, she knew that if she did indeed kissed him right then at that moment- in the stage where thousands are watching and cameras may flash and caught the moment- the consequences would hurt him more than she could possibly imagine.
So she was extremely glad that she did not kiss him. She looked away and walked away from the stage- from him.
'I might be sad and feel a little betrayed now, but he would not have deserve what could have happened to him (and oh god, to his family..) afterwards..'
As the echoes of the claps of the audience faded, she began to walk faster- as fast as she could- wanting to be as far away from him as possible (She did not notice that she passed some crew members of the theater; she also failed to notice that they had a more awed expression in their faces than they normally would have, they looked at her as if she was a divine being, an angel- sadly though, she was too distracted to notice them).
Once she was only meters away from her dressing room, a hand suddenly wrapped around her right arm- not tightly, but firmly (-as if careful to hurt her, though not willing to let her go either). A part of her had expected this to happen, he would surely want to talk about her performance and her unusual behavior afterwards, but she still had not prepared enough to be confronted by him this way. She foolishly thought that he would have given her time-
"What the hell was that?" He asked as he looked at her intently, as if willing her to spill all her secrets and thoughts to him.
"That... that was.." The next word she wanted to say was never let out off of her painted lips.
'That was goodbye,' was what she wanted to say, so badly, but she can not bring herself to utter the words that would end them- whatever they have now- permanently.
--
Author's Note: wOW, I just watched the Greatest Showman (its... good but I wanted more Jenny!!!) and after watching Never Enough for like a thousand times and that one time with Never Enough reprise, an idea immediately formulated in my mind and I was like, damn I need to write this before I forget. So yes, I wrote this instead of updating hysteria but I'm sorry ;-; But please please review and tell what you think of this and should I make a second part?
(And if any of you knows how to make a gif, I'd like to request that you could maybe make a gif of that look jenny gave p.t. during the tightrope song scene; the part where charity sang the 'so I'd risk it all just to be with you'?? I've been looking for it on tumblr and I cant find one gif of that scene :( )