Pre-Story Notes:
I'd apologise for this, BUT MOMMA DIDN'T RAISE HER NO LIAR.
Oh, right, also: criticism is appreciated. Not gonna get better if nobody tells me when I'm mucking up, after all.
Chapter 01: Lost and Confused
Walking has always made it much easier for me to think. Just makes the chaotic mess of thoughts in my head somehow seem... More organised. Easier to sift through as I mindlessly put one foot in front of another for hours on end. Normally I was quite happy with this, meandering around town, wandering through the woods, traipsing along the beach... It was nice.
Normally, doing this didn't get me lost in the fucking woods.
I was hoping to do some cutting practice down at the beach later on in the day, so I'd brought a sword with me along with a bag of trail mix, some jerky, and two litres of iced tea in my messenger bag so I'd be able to spend some time down there without getting overly peckish.
I also kept a packet of matches, a lighter, a roll of snare wire, and a survival knife in my jacket with me, so worst case scenario I'd be able to baton some smaller logs with the knife or sword and start a fire to keep warm at night, but I was no fan of sleeping in the wilderness under prepared.
My sword was doing a decent enough job of cutting through the untamed vegetation which obstructed my path in every direction, but it was very clear that this wasn't what Katana-shaped Messers were intended to do as my arms were quickly growing tired while I grew equally frustrated at my predicament.
How the fuck did I even find myself so far off the trail? I couldn't have zoned out THAT badly! And Christ, this was really freaking the fuck out of me! I didn't recognise anything around me.
Hell, I'd been all over the island's forest, and it just didn't get dense enough anywhere to darken the ground! The sky almost seemed… 'Off,' from what little I could see through the ceiling like canopy above.
Even the trees were looking kind of weird! Blue-brown bark? What the fuck!?
As my sword broke through the next vegetation wall, I froze and stared in disbelief as I found myself face-to-face with a fucking mushroom as tall and wide as I was.
Okay, what in the actual fuck is going on here!?
I stepped forward as I cautiously approached the giant mushroom and slowly did a lap around it with a critical eye. My first instinct was to assume that it was a fake, a prop someone dumped in the forest at some point in the past like that ancient Coca-Cola sign and that bench that just randomly sit out in the middle of nowhere a few kilometres out of town.
However, a quick jab with a stick I picked up off the ground with my free hand confirmed that it was pretty damned real when it punched through the skin, revealing the pale white flesh within as I dropped the stick from shock, least of all because when I reached out to poke it I noticed that my arm suddenly looked like a bloody drawing.
That really threw me for a loop, to put it mildly.
I stepped back, squatted in place and raised a hand to my face as I started to actually think about my situation. Strange, eerily alien flora, unfamiliar geography, weirdly unrecognisable canopy density, a complete lack of any of the ravens that would follow any human around in hopes of picking up a dropped parcel of food, suddenly noticing that everything, myself included, turned into animated cartoons out of nowhere…
…
...Okay, I know that I'd frequently daydream about being teleported off to some kind of fantasy world while off on my walks, but…
I immediately stood up, pulled out my phone and checked for a signal.
Nada.
I've always had a signal while on the island, and I know for fucking sure that I didn't cross the causeway to the mainland at any point…
...Alright. Realist time here. I've always been mildly paranoid about something like this happening to me, it's half the reason I pack around a pair of knives and some real basic survival gear at all times if I can. This environment just doesn't belong in northern Canada, I have no cellphone signal, and I'm just getting the willies from everything around me in general.
I looked at the giant mushroom again, now with a stick-induced hole in it. It was one thing to think it, but if I'm right… Fuck, what settings am I aware of that have giant mushrooms? Could be the Mushroom Kingdom, The Shivering Isles, Morrowind… Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I think?
Didn't one of the Call of Duty games feature giant mushrooms in a multiplayer mode at some point?
Ah, Christ. I need to think. I'm hopelessly lost, so just sitting around isn't going to help much. Let's get walking for now and with luck I'll be able to formulate a plan-
!
I brandished my sword in a half-panic as every hair on the back of my neck stood up along with every one of my primal instincts suddenly flaring up to alert me that I was in immediate mortal danger. Twice in my life this has happened before; just before I was charged by a wolf while splitting firewood, and as I was charged by a bear while out hunting with my brother.
Several eternal seconds passed as my eyes whipped around fervently, trying to locate the source of the danger so I could put my sword between it and myself, though the feeling of danger passed as inexplicably as it appeared.
...What the actual fuck was that?! I… Okay, so, one doesn't get those kinds of feelings for just anything. Meaning this is an imminently dangerous fantasy setting. FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.
With feelings of my life now being on the line I quickly came up with a plan: turn the fuck around and go back the way I came in. Just keep backtracking along the path I made to get here and I'll surely-
"JESUS FUCK!" I only barely caught myself before I stepped cleanly over a fucking cliff edge and promptly fell on my back as I overcompensated my balance to avoid keeling over to my death.
Where the fuck-!?
I quickly jumped to my feet, my heart now pounding as I slowly leant forward to look over the inexplicable dead drop. That was a ten story fall, at fucking minimum.
Okay, there's a cliff's edge bordering the island on one side, but that side is a completely tamed suburb bordering the river, and was a mere two story drop!
This cliff loomed over a forest below, a forest which seemed to be sporadically dotted with giant fucking mushroom caps and multi-coloured trees I didn't recognise at all, at least not from a great distance.
By the looks of it, there really should be a forest in front of me that I'd have walked through to get here if my own footprints just randomly appearing from the cliff's edge as if I'd stepped onto it from thin air was any indication.
I looked up into the distance, to see… Oddly shaped mountains which couldn't possibly be natural formations which almost looked like they could have come out of a child's picture book, framed by a sickly purple sky unblocked from view by an ultra-dense tree canopy.
Okay. So, there goes any doubt in my mind about having been teleported to a fantasy realm… And my hopes of just turning around and walking back the way I came to get back home.
FUCK.
I about faced and sidled up next to the giant mushroom again, my thoughts all jumbled from that thoroughly unpleasant surprise.
After taking a few minutes to calm myself I looked back over the cliff's edge. As far as I could see, it was just untamed wilderness in that direction. Not even the barest hint of so much as a dirt road. So, that direction would bear no civilisation, which is…
I withdrew my compass from my jacket, looked at it for a moment, and deposited it back into my pocket in frustration. Damned thing was spinning about like a top. Guess this is one of those kinds of fantasy settings as well then…
I looked around and noticed that the mountain range seemed to be rather isolated and small, making it a perfect landmark to navigate by if I can keep it in view.
Alright, so, towards the mountains lays wilderness… I couldn't see the horizon opposite the mountains thanks to the forest blocking my view, but just heading in the direction opposite of said mountains seemed to be as good a plan as any for now.
With luck, I won't find myself having to baton firewood with my sword by nightfall.
As I pushed my way past another wall of vegetation, I nearly squeed in delight to find that I'd just passed the treeline and found a wide-open field with a simple dirt road.
That forest had really been starting to creep the fuck out of me, what with its berries that looked like perfectly shaped cartoon hearts, giant mushrooms, technicolour plants, bushes with bioluminescent berries, and a few flowers that bore an uncanny resemblance to a woman's… 'Parts,' which unsettled me greatly.
Not to mention that the air seemed unusually thick and heavy with a mildly sweet undertone everywhere. I'd thought nothing of it at first, just assumed I was imagining it because I was on-edge. Though it didn't get any better as time went on.
I was honestly starting to worry that the atmosphere wasn't quite the same as back on Earth, which was slightly worrying, I wasn't going to die in my sleep because I wasn't getting enough oxygen, was I?
I shook my head and pushed those thoughts out of my mind. Don't freak out over that. Just focus on moving for now.
A quick scan of the open field showed nothing considerably out of the ordinary, weird foliage such as blueish-tinted grass and assorted fantasy flowers aside. Just a dirt trail with a nice, clear view of everything around it, which suited me just fine after getting my ass and face whipped by Lord knows how many fekking whippy branches and vines while trying to force my way past all the local overgrown flora.
As I started for the trail it quickly became abundantly clear how very tired all that trailblazing had made me. My arms, in particular, felt like they were lead weights with all the chopping I'd been doing with my sword as I hacked away at particularly thick foliage walls.
Luckily, I also had the presence of mind to carry a rag and a small bottle of oil with me, so the blade wouldn't rust overnight due to a lack of maintenance, but something told me that was the least of my worries at the moment.
The sun was setting, bathing the field in twilight, and I could begin to see what appeared to be fireflies buzzing out from the woods to do their thing as darkness slowly overtook the area.
It was actually rather pretty, in all honestly. My still being lost in an unidentified fantasy world was kind of harshing the mellow that the sight nearly provided me, however.
With a weary sigh, I had to admit that I was gonna be spending the night in this field… Probably under that big ol' tree with a nice clear view of the area around it.
I knew full well how to construct simple survival shelters such as lean-to's, but I was in no condition to be hauling logs from the forest to that picturesque tree, and I sure as FUCK wasn't spending the night inside that creepy-ass forest, no siree bob!
I groaned as I started marching for the tree, already willing to just curl up under the damned thing and call it a night. I'd eat and have a drink before turning in, though. Don't want to be all weak and shit come sunrise, after all.
A quick walk-around and a few experimental knocks proved that the funny-looking smooth-barked reddish tree was in fact, just a tree.
With a sigh of relief, I kicked a few large-ish rocks out of my way, sat down, had myself a sad little survival meal, cleaned my sword, and shifted the towel I kept rolled up in my bag around so it'd be able to serve as an adequate pillow.
If necessary I'd pull it out and use it as a makeshift blanket instead, but the local climate seemed to be on the temperate side, so hopefully my jacket would be enough to get me through the night in relative comfort.
My belly at least partially filled, kind of shitty improvised pillow to cushion my head, and jacket zippered up to keep in the warmth, I lay down on my chosen spot under the big tree facing away from it and shut my eyes.
Unsurprisingly I found my mind wanting to go into panic mode and start freaking out about my situation once I wasn't distracting myself with moving, but I forced that fear down so I'd be able to get in a few hours. Holding my sword close to my chest also helped a bit in that regard, I'll admit.
With any luck, I'd wake without incident come sunrise and find a settlement after a few hour's walk. But for now, it would be best to focus on sleep.
…
…
…
...On a scale of 1-10, I couldn't help but wonder just how boned I really was, all things considered.
My eyes jerked open as every nerve in my body started screaming 'DANGER!' in unison again. By the looks of it, I'd managed to sleep clean through the night and well into the sunrise, but that was the last thing on my mind as I thanked fuck that I'd decided to sleep with my sword in hand, my primal instincts going off all at once as they were.
I'd evidently also turned over in my sleep, if my grade-A view of side of the tree I'd slept under was any indication, meaning that whatever was causing my instincts to scream that I was in imminent mortal danger was likely behind me at that moment, and lo and behold, I could hear something very audibly panting behind me, in a half-manic manner.
There were no accompanying footsteps, so whatever it was had to be just standing there, staring at me. Breathing unsettlingly heavily, as if it'd just got done running a marathon.
I considered my options, such as they were.
Flip around and brandish my sword at whatever is threatening me, or grab my bag and run without stopping to get a look at it. Running certainly seemed like a fair idea right then and there, but at the same time running was usually a terrible idea depending on the creature in question. Especially if it was a bear.
With great hesitation, I decided that it would be best to slowly turn around to try getting a look at the creature without spooking it into attacking me, and if needed put my blade between myself and it.
With near physically painful deliberate slow-motion, I craned my neck around to try catching sight of the fantasy beast in my peripheral vision, and after what felt like an eternity something did indeed come into view.
I felt a good deal of tension leave my body when it became clear that it was a person standing a good couple of metres away. Far enough that I trusted my ability to jump up and brandish my blade before they could close the distance, and so jump up I did.
I only managed to scramble to my knees before the entire figure came into full view, and I was struck dumb at the sight before me.
A Playboy Bunny. There was a girl, a ludicrously gorgeous anime girl wearing what looked like a well-made maroon Playboy Bunny uniform complete with ears, plus a matching, wide-open blazer which revealed the skimpy one-piece covering her torso. The only thing off about the ensemble was her long, flowing dual-toned maroon and pink hair, the bizarre carrot-pendant on her neck, and the inexplicable… Furry pink parachute pants- Or rather, parachute leggings she seemed to be wearing. What the actual-
...Wait. Her feet…
...Those aren't leggings.
I gave my mind a moment to spool up as I noticed the way the girl was looking at me. The naked, burning desperation mixed with unprecedented excitement in her reddish-brown eyes as she writhed in place, her face flushed bright red and her chest heaving with excitement as if she was just waiting for an opportunity to pounce-
Oh, shit.
Suddenly, it became very clear to me why my instincts were telling me I was in mortal danger.
I was looking at a March Hare. A walking rape machine which would deliberately misinterpret anything and everything a man would say as an invitation to force herself on him, and said raping would break the man's mind with magic, turning him into a mindless slave that existed only to serve as her meat dildo for the rest of fucking time.
I'm in Monster Girl Encyclopedia.
I'm in Wonderland.
There's a Mamono standing not four metres away from me, just waiting for me to utter a single word so she can do her fucked up mental gymnastics to justify pouncing on me against my will-
"Y-you look soooo hungry m-mister…" The Rape Rabbit suddenly spoke up in a sickeningly sweet high-pitched, and unsteady tone, breaking my train of thought as she reached into the pockets of her blazer and presented a small handful of multi-coloured hard candies in a grandiose manner. "Would you like s-some s-sweets~?" The bait was obvious.
...Oh my fucking God, this is going to suck.