Yo! Er, I'm not quite sure where this came from, honestly. I just kinda...wrote it last night-needed to get it out of my system, but had no idea where it was headed or anything. I haven't even written anything Persona related in ages. Maybe it's because I've been replaying P3P, and P4G, and really need to finish P5 too. Mentioned pairings here are ShinjiroxMinako, and JunpeixChidori. Everything between Junpei and Minako is totally platonic, friendship, bonding stuff, that's it, though you can see it as a pre-relationship between them, if that's what you like. Also, if you haven't beaten P3 or any versions of that game yet, then uh, spoilers. Just thought I'd mention it in case.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Persona series or any of its characters...
Junpei still couldn't believe it. Still couldn't understand it. Still couldn't cope with it. Chidori... Chidori was gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. He was never going to be able to see her again. Never going to be able to talk to her again. Never going to be able to watch her sketch again. Never going to be able to see her smile again. And he just...couldn't make sense of it.
He had spent so many days holed up in his room at the dorm, unable to stand the-the looks everyone gave him when they saw him. Half of them didn't say anything, but even when they did, their words and their looks both were filled with-with pity. He didn't want their damn pity!
Akihiko-senpai, Mitsuru-senpai, and Ken mainly just gave him those looks, but didn't try to say much to him. Aigis still didn't really get death, so he tried not to take offence at anything she said or did. Koromaru tried to cuddle with him, which kind of helped. Fuuka and Yukari...they were the ones who talked. They were the ones who tried to tell him that everything would be fine. That Chidori wouldn't want him to do this. As if they knew anything about her! And then there was their Leader-Minako.
Junpei couldn't help but scowl every time he saw her. It was as if none of this was affecting her. As if none of this was bothering her at all. As if she couldn't care less about what had happened to Chidori. He couldn't stand it! He hated that she was just going on so casually like nothing had happened! Like his life hadn't just-just- But it had always been like this, hadn't it? Right from the very beginning, ever since he had first met her. Nothing ever affected her. Nothing ever fazed her.
Part of him hated her. Loathed her. Was jealous of her. And part of him knew she was truly his best friend, and he was being an idiot. But what had happened to Chidori, that was starting to push him over the edge.
Everyone was at the dorm today. It was Sunday, so there was no school and everyone was just around, no one seeming to have anything they wanted to do. Junpei couldn't stay there, even if he stayed locked up in his room. Knowing he would be able to hear them talking or laughing just below him when he was-
No, unable to handle it, he left the dorm and made his way to Port Island Station. This was where he had first met Chidori. He couldn't stay here. Not right in this place. So he moved to the area just past it-the Station Outskirts. He generally avoided this particular spot, could remember being punched in the gut when he'd come with Yuka-tan and Minako all those months ago.
But no one was here right now. Maybe it was because of the cold. Was it cold? Or was he feeling cold for another reason? It didn't matter. Taking advantage of the place being deserted, he dropped down onto-what the hell was this? Some sort of bench made of-whatever. It didn't matter so long as he could sit without it breaking under him.
Shoving his hands into his jacket's pockets, he heaved a sigh and looked up at the sky. It was bright and clear, the type of day where he would have found Chidori outside, sketching. His hands clenched into fists, and just a second later, someone sat down next to him.
Surprised, he turned his head, only to scowl when he saw who it was. Minako. How had she found him here? He didn't want her here. Didn't want to be near her, or anyone else from the dorm. Not right now. Not today. But he couldn't just get up and leave. That'd be like giving her the win and he didn't want that either!
"You know-"
"Don't." He clenched his teeth. "Don't even. You don't get it," he all but hissed. "You have no idea what it's like to lose someone you're close to. You would never understand." He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye as he spoke, but she didn't even look at him, her crimson eyes locked on the blue sky. For some reason, that only pissed him off even more.
The girl just hummed softly, then casually said, "My parents died when I was six."
Junpei stiffened slightly. He'd forgotten about that. Minako didn't speak of it often. Hell, she talked about her parents as often as he talked about his asshole father, which was pretty rare. But she had told him about it, or what little she remembered. No, he wasn't going to feel guilty, he told himself. "That's different."
"...Maybe," Minako conceded. "Maybe it is."
The two were silent for a while, neither of them particularly willing to be the one to admit defeat by getting up and leaving. So they just sat there awkwardly, side by side, both of them staring up at the sky, suffering through the cold wind that blew around them.
Eventually, it was Minako who spoke again, and this time, her voice was light and soft, lacking the bright cheer it usually seemed to have.
"You know," she began again, "I loved Shinjiro-senpai."
This time, Junpei froze. He wasn't sure what he had been expecting her to say, but it sure as hell wasn't that. The words were so random that it took a minute for him to process them, and when he finally did, he whipped around to look at her, eyes wide, and grief momentarily forgotten. "What? Since when?" he questioned, feeling genuinely curious.
Minako, her own eyes still on the sky, its colours changing from blue to orange and pink and purple as the sun began to set, shrugged. "Dunno. It happened pretty quickly. I saw him a few times before he rejoined SEES, with you and Yukari when we went to the hospital to see Akihiko-senpai, and when the three of us came here, and again when Senpai took me with him when Shinji rejoined. I always thought there was this weird air of...mystery around him."
Junpei just stared as he listened, and saw the girl's lips curl into a tiny smile. "I don't even remember seeing you guys hanging out," he muttered, half to himself, his brow furrowed.
"We mainly talked at night, or when everyone else was busy," Minako replied. "He was a private person. Liked to keep to himself. I mean, he and Akihiko-senpai were best friends, but how many times did you see them interact?" She rubbed her hands together, then blew on them. There were no pockets in that sweater she was wearing. "He told me not to get involved with him-told me he was sure I'd rather spend time with my other friends over him, but I kept insisting I wanted to hang out with him too. So he gave in."
Junpei turned, shoved his hands back into his pockets, and looked up at the slowly darkening sky. But he didn't say anything.
"Shinji never really did talk much, but I think it was because he preferred listening to me talk instead."
"Chidori was like that too," he said before he could stop himself. He could even remember her telling him how much she liked listening to him. It only made him hurt more. But that made him realize something. "You say you loved Shinjiro-san, so why didn't what happen to him bother you?" he questioned. "You just went on like nothing happened to him, when Ken and Akihiko-senpai were totally torn up about it!"
"I didn't have a choice."
He blinked. "What d'you mean?"
"I'm the Leader," Minako spoke bluntly. "The day after Shinji died, I had to go to school. I couldn't skip like Ken-kun and Akihiko-senpai. I had to keep my grades up. I couldn't skip clubs, or on meeting friends, or doing favours for people. I had to make sure we were all properly equipped, and make sure we had the money for that. I had to keep an eye on everyone else's conditions, and how far we could progress in Tartarus in a certain amount of time. If I didn't do all this, then who would? Who'd pick up the slack on all of that if I dropped the ball?"
Junpei wanted to say he would have. He had always wanted to be the leader, always thought he'd be able to handle everything that came with it. But that was a lie. That was a lie and he knew it too.
"And besides, he told me not to cry."
"Huh?"
"Do you remember? What Shinji said before he died?"
He thought back. It wasn't hard. It hadn't been all that long ago, even though it felt like ages had gone by. It had happened here too, he realized with a jolt, right in front of them. Hell, the ground was still stained with their Senpai's blood. How could Minako sit here so calmly? He couldn't even stand looking at the spot Chidori used to sit at, let alone where she had died. But still, he remembered what Shinjiro-san had said. 'Minako...don't cry. This is...how it should be.' That was it, and he said so, remembering thinking at the time that it was odd that he had singled the girl out of them all that way, even despite what he had said to Akihiko-senpai, and Ken. Now he knew what that had happened. Why he had said what he had to her.
The girl inclined her head. "We didn't have long together, Shinji and I. And he knew it too. He knew no matter what happened, we weren't going to have much time together."
"How? Why?"
"He was sick. You never noticed?"
"No!" he exclaimed in surprise, breath puffing out in front of him. This was definitely the first time he was hearing that!
"Did you ever wonder why he always wore that big, thick coat? Or the beanie?"
"Bad fashion statement?" He couldn't help but smile slightly when Minako released a soft, but short laugh at that answer.
"No, it was because he was cold. He was always so, so cold. No matter how hot it was inside or outside, he was always freezing. He coughed a lot too, especially when he talked more or exerted himself too much. And while he was still very strong, he was weaker than he should have been."
Junpei frowned. He couldn't recall Shinjiro-san ever coughing more than anyone else, and he sure as hell hadn't ever looked weak. Junpei could easily remember Shinjiro-san swinging his damn axe down on the Shadows, or summoning his Persona to kick ass like it was nothing! "Why was he sick? What happened? Did he ever tell you?"
Minako didn't answer at first, appearing almost as if she were weighing her words. "Do...do you remember telling me how Chidori was choked by her own Persona one day at the hospital?"
"Yeah? What about it?" he voiced, forcing back the sting of pain that hit him at hearing her name.
"Shinji was the one who stopped it, right?"
"Huh? Yeah, he gave her some kinda pills. Said she lost control of her Persona and that it happened sometimes, or something."
The girl inclined her head. "Did you ever wonder why Shinji had those pills?"
"No?" His frown changed into an expression of shock. "Wait-?"
"Yeah. Unlike Akihiko-senpai, and Mitsuru-senpai, Shinjiro couldn't fully control his Persona. He and all three members of Strega, including Chidori, have to...had to rely on those pills. Takaya and Jin still do. They're called suppressors."
"Suppressors?" Junpei repeated slowly, trying to understand. He couldn't remember ever having heard of them before.
"If they didn't have those, then their own Personas would've killed them."
Junpei was staring at Minako again, and when she smiled this time, there was a bitterness to it.
"Taking suppressors stops their Personas from killing them," she half repeated, "but taking the pills only kills them too. Just much slower."
His eyes widened. "What!? Taking those-taking those-!"
"Ironic, isn't it? That's why Shinji was sick. And why he was always cold too-the pills make it hard to keep a regular body temperature. Takaya," she scowled, "probably doesn't wear a shirt because he always feels hot, but Shinjiro was always cold. Those pills were killing him and he knew it. Shinji knew he was going to die soon. That's why he didn't want me getting involved with him, and why he didn't want to get involved with me either. He didn't want to become close to anyone else and make it even harder when he..."
But to the boy, all that meant was that those pills had been killing Chidori too. Turning again, Junpei pulled his hands out of pockets, clasped them together, and stared down at them. "Chidori... Chidori told me she'd always known when she was going to die. Not how or why, just when. She knew the exact date it was going to happen. 'S why she wasn't scared of dying. Cause she always knew it was gonna happen."
"Probably because of her Persona. Shinji didn't know the date, but he knew it was going to be soon. And...well, you know the whole thing with Ken-kun now."
"Yeah..." How did it come to this, he wondered? Just a little while ago he had hated Minako, and now the two of them were sitting here together, talking about...about all this.
The sky was dark now, the sun having long since set. And still, neither of them made any attempt to move.
"It sucks," Minako spoke suddenly, her eyes on the blood stain on the ground. "It sucks, and it hurts, especially when everyone expects you to just-just suck it up and move on like they have."
That was true, Junpei thought, but at least he'd actually even been given the chance to mourn for Chidori. Minako hadn't even been given that after Shinjiro-san had died. Akihiko-senpai and Ken had taken it pretty bad, and even Mitsuru-senpai had struggled. Aigis had been pretty quiet, now that he thought back, but again, it had been Yukari and Fuuka, the former more than the latter, who had done all the talking. Talking about Shinjiro-san, and what he had done, and what he would miss. He'd done that too, sitting with them and talking about it. What had Minako been doing at that time?
His brow pinched, and he sneered, more at himself than anyone else. He'd sat there talking about how Shinjiro-san had died a hero's death. He'd thought he'd never be able to do the same thing, though if he had to die, he'd wanted it to be like that. He'd barely even known the guy, and thought his death had been horrible.
And during that same time, Minako... Like she had said, Minako had gone to school, had kept up with her club meetings, had studied, had made sure to hang out with her friends-him included, had led them further up Tartarus, had done everything expected of her, including pretending like Shinjiro-san's death hadn't completely destroyed her, like Chidori's had him. Because she was their leader, and leader's weren't allowed to be weak. How many of them had even known about what had been going on between Minako and their mysterious Senpai? He sure as hell hadn't, but had anyone else?
And somehow, all that made him feel even shittier now! Minako had loved Shinjiro-san and had done so much after he had died! And he-he loved Chidori just as much, and now that she was gone, god he could barely even function! He'd just lay in bed, sometimes for hours at a time, just staring at the ceiling. How was that right?
"You have her sketch pad, right?"
"Yeah, why?"
"...Do you ever find yourself just...staring at it? Not doing much else, just staring, and thinking?"
"I do," Junpei confessed softly. "It was hers, y'know? All the drawings in there, of me or not, she must've worked so hard on 'em. She-she really did love to sketch." And when the girl nodded as if she understood, he realized he didn't doubt that at all. She really did get it, and she proved it just a second later when she spoke again too.
Holding out her arm, Minako pulled back her sleeve slightly, revealing her wrist and the watch she wore around it. It was a simple watch, with a leather strap, and didn't appear at all expensive or elaborate, or anything, really. The boy looked from the watch, up to her.
"Shinjiro gave this to me," she told him quietly.
Yeah, no wonder she understood. That was probably why she had asked him that. Because she stared at the watch, stared and thought, just like he did with the sketchbook. He sighed explosively, and slumped down slightly. "Why'd this have to happen? To Senpai? To Chidori?"
"I dunno."
Junpei hesitated. "Did you...ever end up crying? I mean, I know Senpai said not to, but did you ever-?"
Minako laughed softly. "Just once. About a week after it happened, I was in the shower and it all just...hit me. I totally broke down. It was probably the loudest, messiest crying ever. Just tears and snot, and then my eyes were all puffy and red, and my head was pounding."
Junpei smiled. "Yeah, I think I know the feel." And he did, because the exact same thing had happened to him. Well, more than once.
Again, they fell silent. The temperature had dropped further thanks to the darkness, but for once, both of them were feeling kind of warm. Maybe it was because they were sitting so close together. Maybe it was because of something else.
"Hey."
"Yeah?"
"Can I-" Junpei choked on his words, swallowed hard, and tried again. "There's this...memory, I have," he spoke slowly. "A day I spent with Chidori. I dunno why I remember that day more than others but...can I-can I tell you?" He didn't even know why he wanted to. No, that was a lie. He knew exactly why he wanted to share it with Minako and no one else. It was because she was his best friend. Even when he was acting like a total dick towards her, she never left him. Not like others.
"Of course you can. I mean, if that's what you want."
"It is," he replied firmly. He didn't look at her when he spoke. Instead, his gaze returned to the darkened sky. How late was it now? "There was this day, it was Sunday, and it was hot, really hot. I didn't have anything better to do, so I was just, y'know, wandering around."
Minako hummed, but didn't speak, as if to let him get it all out at once without interruption. And he was glad for that, because now that he had started talking, he wasn't sure he could stop until he finished.
"I came to the station here, probably cause this is where Chidori'd always be. Not here, but out front, across the theatre. And she was there that day too. She was sketching again. I went and sat down next to her. She seemed kinda annoyed at first-she always was when she saw me, but she didn't tell me to go away, or that she didn't want me around.
"She put her sketchbook down, and she turned to me, and she said she couldn't concentrate properly today, and wanted me to talk instead. I thought it was funny that she'd say that, and laughed, but I talked. I don't even remember what I talked about, but I talked for ages, and the whole time, she just sat there quietly, and looked at me, and-and she was smiling." He choked again, and this time made no effort to clear his voice. "She'd never smiled before, and I just remember thinking, 'Shit, she's really so damn beautiful!'. And I never ever wanted-want to forget that-forget her smile."
"I don't think you ever will," Minako replied firmly. "Because you'd never let yourself forget something like that. Because you'd never forgive yourself for forgetting something like that."
"Yeah..." Now he cleared his throat. "So, do you... Do you have any memories like that with Shinjiro-san? Something you can never forget?" And when he saw Minako clasp her hands together tightly, he knew she did. "You can tell me, if you want."
She nodded slowly, and after a pause, began to speak. "It was at night. Late. After the Dark Hour. I don't remember why, but I couldn't sleep. Being in bed, in my room was...uncomfortable that night, and since I didn't want to bother anyone, I went down to the lounge. I thought I'd just...you know, just get some water, watch a little tv, maybe play with Koro-chan if he was awake, and try to tire myself out."
"Yeah, I get ya. He was down there, wasn't he? Senpai?"
"Hmm. He was just sitting there by himself. Awake. ...Coughing." Her expression twisted into one of pain. "I hated seeing him like that. Alone and hurting. So I went to him and sat with him. He caught his breath eventually, and then asked me what I was still doing up. When I told him, he just kinda chuckled and rolled his eyes, and told me to stay where I was, and got up." She smiled again. "When he came back, he had hot chocolate for us both, and he sat back down next to me. I-I didn't even realize how cold I was until I was holding the mug in my hands."
Junpei didn't say anything. Just listened. Just memorized.
"We just sat there in the dark, next to each other, drinking the hot chocolate. We didn't even talk. It was quiet and...peaceful. I don't think I'd ever felt that peaceful before in my entire life. And-"
"And?"
"And I knew, somehow, that that was the only time this was ever going to happen. This moment between us, sitting quietly together. It wasn't going to happen again. I confessed to him, the next night, and we spent the night together, and he died...he died three days later."
"Minako..."
"I spent lots of days with him," she continued resolutely. "Not nearly as many as I wanted to, not nearly enough, but-but still lots. And I loved every minute I got with him. And I'm going to remember ever minute, just like you will with her. But that night... Like your day with Chidori there, I don't know what it was about that night, but-but I can't forget it. I just can't."
"Yeah... Yeah, I get it." Junpei dropped his head down onto the girl's shoulder, feeling the heat coming off her. "I've been acting like a dick again, huh?"
Minako lowered her own head to rest against his. "You've been mourning."
"A person can mourn and be a dick at the same time," he pointed out, somewhat amused.
"Ha, I guess that's true."
"...You know, you're my best friend, dude. I thought it was weird at first, since you're a girl and all, but it's true. I haven't told anyone half the stuff I've told you. Never wanted to either."
She smiled gently. "You're my best friend too. People automatically think it should be Yukari, probably because she's a girl, and while she is a friend, it's just...different with you."
"Heh, we're being a couple of big ol' saps tonight, aren't we?"
"Yep. Big, big saps." She took one of his hands and twined his fingers together.
Junpei didn't protest, and didn't even feel embarrassed, like he thought he would at something like that, and looked down at their joined hands. "So, while we're still being all sappy... I just... You-you're special. Not cause of your Persona ability, or cause you're leader, or anything like that. 'S like I can just...be myself around you. I can make pervy jokes without worrying about you getting mad like Yuka-tan, or embarrassed like Fuuka, or wanting to kill me like Mitsuru-senpai. We can game together, and stuff our faces with ramen. And you don't get pissed at me even when you should cause I'm a jealous idiot. And we can talk about this. About Shinjiro-san. About Chidori. And-and I'm gonna shut up now because I just realized how awkward this is," he finished lamely, able to feel the heat in his own cheeks and ears and neck. Ugh.
Minako just laughed.
"Don't laugh at me!"
"I'm not!"
"You so are!"
"I'm so not! You're special too, Junpei. For the same reasons."
Junpei just blushed harder. "D-dude, c'mon man." He cleared his throat as the embarrassment faded somewhat, and then sighed softly. Everything was beginning to change, and he wasn't quite sure he was ready for it all yet. But Minako was their leader, and, he thought with pride, his best buddy. If she could get through it all, then he could too, and even then, they would help each other. He would help her with Shinjiro-san, and she could help him with Chidori.
They were both idiots, he realized. Idiots who had fallen in love, lost the ones they loved, and now had no idea what to do about it, how to deal with it. They were handling the loss in different ways, but he didn't think either of them were really going about it the right way. But maybe now that they'd spoken like this, maybe now they could both get through it. Heal. That was what they needed. Both of them. Right?
Neither of them moved or spoke until Minako's cell rang suddenly, startling them both. They jumped, then laughed as the girl fished out her phone and answered it.
"Hello?"
"Minako-chan! Where have you been!? It's nearly the Dark Hour!" Fuuka's voice all but scolded from the other side.
"Oh. Oops. Sorry Fuuka, I didn't realize how late it is. I'll head back now."
"It's alright, just be careful, okay? Oh! What about Tartarus? Are we going today? Akihiko-senpai wants to train. Ken-kun does too. Also, Mitsuri-senpai wants to know if you've seen Junpei-kun anywhere. He isn't back yet either."
"Junpei's with me," the crimson eyed girl replied. She placed her hand over the end of her cell so Fuuka wouldn't be able to hear her, and looked at her friend. "You up for kicking some Shadow ass tonight, buddy?"
"Hellz yeah I am!"
Minako grinned. "We'll head to Tartarus tonight too," she told Fuuka. "Junpei and I will meet you guys outside the school gates. No point in us heading back to the dorm now, right?"
"Of course. Alright, I'll let the others know."
"Thanks, Fuuka." The call ended, Minako replaced her cell, stood, and stretched. "Ready to go?"
"You got it!" Junpei stood too, mimicking the girl and stretching out all the kinks that had settled by him sitting in the same place for who even knows how long. Minako smiled and began to walk away, and for a moment, he stood in place, eyes on her back, then up at the sky.
He could do this, he told himself. For once, he needed to be like their leader, rather than being jealous of her. She'd been doing her best to be strong, and now he had to do the same. He could do this. He would do this.
"Hey! C'mon slowpoke!"
Grinning, Junpei jogged after her. "I call dibs on a spot on the Progression Team!"
"Beat me to there and you got it!" Minako called as she took off running.
"Hey!" he called out in protest. "No head starts!" He ran after her, laughing when he heard her do the same, all the rifts between them mended and forgotten.
And Junpei knew that somewhere, right now, Shinjiro-senpai and Chidori were watching them, shaking their heads in exasperation, calling them idiots, and smiling.
So how did Minako know half of what she did? ...Fuuka. That's my answer. Huh, looking back on it now, I actually really like this. Hope you guys do too. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!