The Thranduil Effect
Disclaimer: Credit goes to The brilliant JRR Tolkien for the charters Legoas, Elrond, Thranduil, and Galadrial. Many of the history, religious references, and places mentioned in this story belong to him. Credit goes to Peter Jackson for Tauriel. I apologise if I have missed any other character or reference.
The other characters are mine.
Many of the names come from arwen-undomiel .com
I have been working on this for about three years, I hope you enjoy!
Note: Much of what happens in this story is what happened in my own life. In fact, I did write much of what happened to me in this chapter in particular and other parts of this story is true to my own life. I wrote this story to give me meaning. There are tiggers in this story of cutting, rape and suicide.
Part One: Chapter One
I awake to find myself in a white room. The light is so bright, unsure of where I am. My eyes focus and I am in a hospital. I lift my arms up and can feel my wrists hurt. They are bandaged. I WOKE UP. I start to cry because I do not want to be awake. I cut them deep. How did I end up here?
The curtain is open and I can see nurses running around in the hallway. I hear a code blue go off on the loud speaker. I look for the nurses button behind my head, I go to press it but Brín walks in.
"Katheryn! You're awake." He rushes over to my side and takes my hand. I do love this man, but I cause him too much pain. He deserves better. His auburn hair is short, shorter than I like. He is in his work clothes, black slacks and a white button up shirt. My blood seems to stain his chest. I will never be able to get that out. His beautiful green eyes plead with mine. "Why did you do this?"
"You were away on business, you are not supposed to be here." I begin whine.
"I came home early to surprise you. I missed you and wanted to come home. Please Ghrá, tell me why you did this?"
"I can not take what he did to me anymore. It hurts too much." He gets up and closes the glass door and the curtain to the room. He moves my wires over that are connected to my chest and the IV in my hand. Laying down beside me he holds me. I don't deserve this. I wish I did, but I don't.
We married December 14th. A most beautiful day. It was a quick wedding with only a friend that was our witness. Him and I have different faiths, so we had a justice of the peace to do the vows. Marybelle. She was so beautiful, with her dress of green. Yeah, my favourite colour. It touched the floor with long sleeves and a v-neck that showed just alittle. I ordered my dress from England that was off white with long sleeves and touched the floor when I walked. I bought a cloak to go with it. Old and traditional I thought it. I wear only the wedding band since I can't wear the engagement ring at work. It is simple and small, just as I am, with a single heart shaped Morganite stone. The band is so beautiful; white gold with small crescent moons decorating it. I had made my own vows but was too nervous to speak them. I gave them to him later, being that it was in the form of a free style poem.
I am a nurse at Bristol Regional in Bristol Virginia. I wanted to finish out this year before I move to Ireland with him so I could have at least two years of work experience. I just got out of nursing school two years ago. I got a job working in the ER and I loved it. Always on my feet, always thinking and having it challenge me. Then I met Brín. He had gotten stabbed in downtown during a mugging. The doctor was caught up with someone else, so I stopped the bleeding and closed his wound. After that we could not stop talking. I love him with every fiber of my being, but depression has found a place in my heart and will not leave me.
A knock is at the door. "Mrs. Grianna?" Brín sits up on the edge of the bed. He puts up the head of the bed as I lift up to a sitting position. "I am Dr. Mills. I have some test results back." He goes quiet for a moment. "You have some deficiencies since the miscarriage. We will address these things here before we transfer you to a psychiatric facility."
I interrupt him before he could continue. "I want to go home, please do not send me there." I start to cry again. I know how this works, the doctor is forcing me to go into the hospital after a failed suicide attempt. I swallow hard.
"I can not trust that you will go home and not do this again. Your insurance has approved you for Ridgeview Pavilion. We are going to move you in two days. I will come see you tomorrow before we schedule the transport. Do either of you have any questions?" I can only look down. He leaves the room.
"Why did you bring me here Brín?" I can't stop crying by this point.
"Katheryn, I cannot live without you. I need you back." He wipes away my tears with his thumb.
"You can't get me back, he took that from me." He pulls me into an embrace while I cry. I rest my head on his chest and I can hear his heart beat. It calms me, but only for a moment.
Being moved to the hospital pained me the whole ride. I am placed in room 336 next to the window. There is another bed but it seems I am by myself, at least for right now.
"Hi, Katheryn I'm Kayla, your nurse. I will be here until first shift comes in. About six hours from now. You will be meeting with Dr. Hutchinson tomorrow. She is great, don't even worry. We will get you up around seven thirty. Eight thirty is breakfast and at ten is the first group. Do you have any questions?"
"When will I be able to call my husband, and when will he be able to bring me clothes?" I say as my voice starts to crack.
"Since you just made it over here, we usually cut the phones off at nine thirty but I will let you call him. He can bring you whatever you need tomorrow. Make sure to tell him you can have any beauty supplies you need, as long as alcohol is not one of the first three ingredients. You can also have a couple of books." I nod and follow her to the nurses desk.
"Hello?" Brín sounds so tired.
"Hey honey."
"Ghrá, are you okay?"
"Yes I am. I don't want to be here." I give a laugh and he gives one.
"Katheryn, will you please promise me you will do as they say? They will help you if you let them."
I start to cry. "I am sorry." I hold my temples with my left hand.
"What do I need to bring you? When is visitation?" He breaths deep.
I read the paper on the wall. "This unit has visitation from six thirty to seven thirty on Monday, Thursday and Saturday. I need my make up, shampoo, conditioner and some bath soap."
"Do you want the coconut oil body wash? Do you also want those books I just bought you?"
"Yes that will be fine. The Philippa Gregory novel and a notebook with no spirals." My voice sounds shaky.
"Do you want me to come see you tomorrow?" I can hear so much sadness in his voice.
"Yes Honey, I want to see you. I don't know how I will sleep without you tonight."
"I will be there at six thirty. What clothes do you want?"
"Get me my black sleep pants with a couple tank tops." I mouth how many to the nurse that is listening in. She holds three fingers up. "Two pairs of jeans, and a couple shirts. Honey please bring me my black jacket." I start to cry.
"Katheryn, please do not cry. We will get through this. I am not leaving. I love you."
"I don't know if I can get through this." I really don't.
"I will be there at six thirty with all of your things. If you need anything else just call me. I am going to take a sleeping pill a try to get some sleep. Where are they?"
"I keep them in a box on the top self on the right in the closet, do you see them?"
"Yes, I found them. Dream happy dreams love."
"I love you Brín." I choke back tears.
"Tá mo chroí istigh ionat." It's so beautiful when he says that, it truly warms my heart. It literally means my heart is within you.
I lay down and try to sleep. Thoughts just fly around in my head as if there is a tornado in it. All I think about is him. I lost our baby. I know that it is just something that happens in the body but I feel I must have done something.
In my dream:I am running through empty halls with white walls. I run for what seems like hours seeing nothing but feeling immense anxiety and fear. I finally come to the courtyard that is outside of the hospital where the staff has a break area. It is empty as well with dead trees and grass. Brín is standing there on the dead lawn trying to get to me but he can't move. I begin to move toward him but this thick black smoke surrounds me. I implode with feeling immense anguish, until I am nothing. Jerking awake, someone is saying it is time to get ready for breakfast. I go back to sleep. After they wake me up two more times I get a visit by the doctor.
"Katheryn, I am Dr. Hutchinson, will you sit up please?" I sit up on the edge of the bed. She sits in the chair at the desk. "You did not go to breakfast or group, is there anything wrong?"
"I just don't want to go. Just let me sleep." I say with additude.
"It is two-thirty in the afternoon." She sighs, "I need to ask you a few questions." I nod. "Will you please tell me why you tried to kill yourself Monday night?" I just sit in silence. "You talk and we work through this, you can go home sooner."
"I was assaulted four months ago, I had a miscarriage Saturday. So take your fuckin' pick." I feel so tired.
"So you do not want to live?"
"What a stupid question. Just leave." I lay back down in the bed. We do this for two more days. On Saturday she comes back into my room. It seems she never takes a day off. I can only assume she comes in for a few hours to talk with everyone and assess them.
"Katheryn, if you talk to me and try the groups for a couple days we can talk about going home. I know you want to see Brín."
I sit up and breathe deep. "How do I give him something that a man, I had to see at work everyday, took from me?"
"What did he take from you?"
I try to hold back tears. "He took pieces of me that I can not get back. Just let me go home please. I am not going to try to kill myself again. I can't do it to Brín."
"If you start going to the groups and try to participate we can talk about you going home. Maybe even try some medication?"
I raise my voice, "I WILL NOT TAKE ANY PHARMACEUTICALS. If it is not organic I will not take it."
"Okay Katheryn calm down. Brín told me that you enjoy to write. If I give you a pen will you start writing?"
"Yes I will."
She reaches out the pen, "will you go to all the groups tomorrow?" I nod my head. She gives me the pen. "I do not need to know what you write about if you don't want to tell me, but I do ask that you show me that you have written."
"I will."
I begin to write:
In my dreams I come to you in the night. I share your bed until the morning with the passion of two people so in love. You know me so well. You know where to touch me and how to touch me. You always give special attention to me as you kiss everywhere on my body to claim it as yours. Without even asking you know when to say my name to make me come undone for you. You make my heart shine for you.
To my sorrow every morning I wake to find it was only a dream. A man that only sees me as a guard in his army holds my heart, I wish it were not so. Taurion and I were appointed eight hundred and fifty years ago to take the roll of that which Eruwaediel had done. She had died in battle weeks before the start of Lear. She was the one that would stand beside us in battle. I was so very honoured to have been chosen by My King to help lead his guard. Until that date I had not known I even caught his eye, although I had hoped I did since I met him for the very first time. Ever since then I have tried to live up to her, to his expectations and impress King Thranduil.
I awake this morning to a knock on my door. I rush to put on my dressing gown to hide my night dress. To my surprise it is Tidurian, one of Thranduil's trusted servants.
"Yes Tidurian?" I asked with a bit of annoyance and a sigh.
"Lady Ithilwen, King Thranduil has requested your presence."
"I must get dressed. Will you give me a moment?" I asked with a smile.
"Yes, I will but you know he does not like to be kept waiting."
With a nod I close my door. I sit down in front of my vanity and take a deep breath. Looking out the window at the heavy snow fall of mid winter I smile. I love these colder months where the days get shorter and the nights get longer. This is when I sit in front of the fire and write my fantasies that are inside my head. My most saddening of which are of my deceased daughter, Bellethiel. I truly miss her on days like this.
I am from the line of the Minyar Elves on my mother's side and Teleri on my father's side; which is where I get my silver hair, deep blue eyes, my love for my bow, and my singing voice. My mother gave me my abilities, my pale skin, and taught me of compassion and patience. Oh, how I miss them. I wish they could have met my children, maybe they would be proud of their raising.
I come out of my thoughts with a knock on my door. I brush through my hair to untangle the curls. I look into the small mirror and see that my nose and cheeks are red from the cold. I hurry to put on my corset with my dress of blue. I tie the brown laces on my boots. I then pour a glass of wine and drink it fast, maybe it will help calm my nerves for what is about to come. I open the door seeing Tidurian shuffling his feet. Taking a deep breath, I follow him.
"Katheryn!" My name brings me out of my concentration. I get up from the desk and hug Brín. I burrow my head into his neck. He is wearing black slacks and a white shirt, he must have just came from work. I take in the smell of his cologne. So very comforting to me.
"I am sorry." I say though tears.
"What is it you are writing?" He asks in genuine curiosity.
"Fan fiction. You know how I feel about the Tolkien Universe. I am writing about the elves." I laugh at my embarrassment.
He begins to chuckle, "I know you very well."
"Her name is Ithilwen, she is to fall in love with Thranduil."
"You do love Lee Pace, do you not?" He continues to chuckle.
"Yes, but she is from the line of the Menyar Elves, it makes since that she will be with the elven king of Mirkwood, even though he is a Silvan Elf. They truly fall in love."
"I am happy that you are smiling. I have not seen this in months." He takes his thumb and traces my lips. He kisses me then asks, "do you feel better Ghrá?" He sits down at the desk. He turns the chair to face me, as I sit on the edge of the bed. He takes my hand.
"Brín," tears fill my eyes once more, "I don't know if I can be happy anymore. There were aspects of me that were taken that, I can't get back."
"Can't," he drawls as he chuckles. Which makes me laugh.
"Don't make fun of my drawl." I sigh, "and I lost our baby. Our beautiful baby, and my heart hurts more than it ever has in my life."
"Katheryn, let us please try to work this out. Time will heal you and I need you to try. I need you." I lower myself onto the floor and lay my head onto his lap as I cry. He takes his finger tips and runs them through my hair. After some time I peer up at him. He wipes away the tears that stain my face. "Katheryn, it will work itself out. I know you do not have a faith, but I do and I have faith that you will heal and then live a happy life. Maybe try to talk to your goddess?"
"You know I don't believe in that anymore." I turn my face away.
"You were happy. Whatever faith you believe in, I do not believe that any creator would allow that to happen. It is the free will that they give us that allows these horrific things to happen. Do not blame the Mother for what one man did."
"I have anger toward her and it will not leave me, I have tried. And you don't even believe in her." I snap.
He evades the attack. "Give it time, it will. Do you know when you will be getting out?"
"I have told her I refuse to take any of the medications, so she said if I start going to the groups, which there are three a day, and show initiative, then we would talk about me goin' home." He nods his head in understanding. "Brín, if I do start to feel better, I do want to start a family. But," I pause, "I need to be stable, I don't want them to grow and see an unstable parent. I did, and I never saw my father. I need both of us to raise them. Promise me that." I look up at him as if I were pleading for my life. And in some way I am.
"Yes, I promise. Then you will try with the groups?"
It is as though I don't speak fast enough and he looks for an answer everywhere on my face. The nurse walks by the door, "you have five minutes. Visitation will be over."
"Yes I will, but I know the groups can not heal my spirit, it will take a miracle." I lean up and kiss his lips as if it were our last. Not with fierceness but with love and a gentleness. I love him with every fiber of my being and yet I still feel he would have a happier life without me.
"Then we will find a miracle." He smiles at me. He stands and walks out.
I begin to write: I find myself in front of King Thranduil's throne. He is in his black tunic and matching pants. The pants that I love so much; they seem to be tighter than his others. His long hair dresses his shoulders as if it were blond silk.
Suddenly the room is void of others apart from he and I. He makes his way toward me with a stride of purpose. Blue eyes stare down at me as his hands meet my hips. He kisses me rough. He slowly slides his hands down my back side resting them there, pulling me closer to him.
"Ithilwen," brings me out of my thoughts.
"Yes, yes my Lord?" I force out as I stumble over my words. I feel my face and ears burn. He stands up from his throne with his sly smile, silently chuckling. He knows. I feel as though my legs will give way underneath me.
"I have asked you here to speak with you about Fáreryniel's progression with her archery." Fáreryniel is one of his advisor's daughters.
"She is faring well. She seems to have the makings of a long rang archer. She may even be ready by Yávië." I say assuredly.
"I will tell her father." I nod. "Ithilwen, I ask if you will share a meal with me this evening?" He asks softly.
He can see the surprise on my face. The embarrassment of my stare sets in and he gives a chuckle. "As you wish my Lord." I lower my head in a bow.
The rest of my day I spent training all the while wondering why the King of Mirkwood would ask me to share his evening meal.
I leave the training room and head to the bathhouse. I dip my finger into the freezing cold water and heat it. As I slip into the warm water, I immediately relax. I take my lemon juice and sugar mixture and rub it onto the cloth. My mind wanders to Thranduil. He takes the cloth from my hand. Finding his hands rubbing my breasts, his lips meet my neck with the most delicate of kisses. This makes my breath catch. Hearing someone walk in, I come out of my thoughts. I wish that was my reality. I finish bathing unwilling to spend any longer fantasising.
Finally, making it to my room, I look at every dress that I have. I choose my finest green dress, the green of the forest, with brown accents and laces. I put on my boots with nervous hands.
I make my way to Thranduil's privy chambers. Outside I find Miluiel, his most trusted servant and closest friend waiting for me. She escorts me down the hallway to his private dining room. All the doors on this hallway are closed. He must have many fires lit, since it is very warm. His dining table is smaller than I expected, only seating six people. The wall tapestries hung are of blue and gold. Also with his painting is of the entrance to the elven road covered in snow. A most beautiful painting.
"Thank you Miluiel," he says with a smile. She nods and leaves the room. "Ithilwen, please have a seat." I take a seat where he has set a place for me. "How are you this evening?"
"I am well, thank you My Lord." I give him a smile. His servant walks in with a vegetable dish and an assortment of fruits.
We eat in silence until he breaks it, "Ithilwen?"
"Yes, My Lord?"
"You truly have taken to your roll since Eruwaediel has past." He speaks with a serious tone. "Do not think these past years that I have not noticed. You have well surpassed my expectations of you."
"I only do what My King has asked of me." Trying to make the compliment light.
"Do not be so modest Ithilwen, you take up the slack from Taurion. I gave him his position to help you. Yet, all he does is cause you more burden. You continue to take the responsibility when he messes up. You must let me replace him." I shake my head no. "You stay many hours past your usual days to continue to train. When someone does not show up for post, you stand in their place. I have also been told you take the roll of a motherly figure to some of the young elves." He stops and waits for my response.
Nervousness creeps into my voice, "I am there when they do not feel they can go to their own mother and father. Many of them seem to come to me instead of Manwë when in need of healing. They say he is not very nice." I give a laugh. He chuckles in unison. He is the main healer here in the kingdom.
"There is no need to be nervous. I am glad you perform that service for them." I nod my head. I take a bite of an apple and some juice falls down the my the corner of my mouth. Before I could grab my serviette, he grabs his and wipes it away. My cheeks and ears burn with embarrassment at my arousal. He lets out a chuckle. He brushes the point of my ear with his finger, while saying, "no need to be embarrassed Ithilwen," He says my name low and raspy.
Take me, I think to myself. Instead I say, "My Lord, what business have you called me here for?" I said in a even and pithy tone.
He straightened his back. "Ithilwen, I have asked you here to offer you the position of Captain of my Guard. You already perform the role, let us make it official." The sweetest smile appears on his face.
"My Lord, I would be honoured." I breathe out.
"I will let the guards and servants know of your new title." I give a nod. In this moment I see something I have not seen from him, some sparkle, some emotional response toward me. Thranduil does not show much emotion other than crude humour and anger. Since his wife died, he seems stuck somehow in a state of sorrow.
Once I leave the king's presence, I straight way go to Tauriel's chambers. I knock on the door waiting only moments before she opens it.
"Ithilwen, what is it love?" She says sheepishly. She is in her night dress of brown. Just as beautiful as she always looks. My heart begins to beat faster. She brushes her lovely auburn hair off her shoulder and moves aside to let me in.
The fire brings warmth to my skin. Her room is nearly bare. Plain curtains hang in front of the window. A small writing desk sits in the corner next to a small armoire. A small single bed placed on the south wall with plain grey linen.
I take a seat on the edge of her bed as she closes the door and takes her place beside me. I smile a wide smile that I can not hide.
"Thranduil just offered me the official title to be the Capitan of the Guard without Taurion."
A knock on my door brings me out of my concentration. "Katheryn, I am Rebecca the RN on the floor, it is late. Is everything okay?"
"Yes, everything is fine. I ain't. I am not tired." I do not look up from my pages.
"Can I get you anything? Your chart says you can have Trazadone for sleep. Can I get you that?"
"No. I will not take any medication, so when I am ready to lay down, I will." I finally look up at her.
"Okay." She says defensive.
"Please close the door on the way out." She turns and leaves it cracked. "Bitch," I say under my breathe.
I begin to write: She smiles at me. "That is exciting. I am glad you are truly happy. I know you have wanted this for a long time." I nod. She claims my lips with hers giving me gentle kisses. She pulls back and rests her forehead on mine. Her eyes ask permission.
I place my hand on the back of her head and pull her into a kiss. She deepens the kiss with her tongue. My belly begins to flutter. After some moments she pulls back, both of us out of breath. I pull her to a stand by taking her hand. Pulling her night dress over her head, I stare at her exposed skin taking her in. So beautiful, so perfect. Taking her by the hips I draw her close. I kiss down her neck causing her to shiver. She loosens the laces on my dress allowing it to fall to my hips. She helps me come out of my corset. Pulling down my dress she allows it pool around my feet. As she watches every move I make, her cheeks blush with a lovely pink. I can feel my body warm in response.
I guide her to the bed. She allows me to take my place above her. I claim her lips once more with a fierceness now. I kiss down her body, showering it with gentle kisses claiming her as mine. I rub her thighs lightly causing bumps to raise.
I take my finger and feel wetness. "All this for me?" I say low and husky with a sly smile. In response she bites her lip. Taking my place beside her, I lightly rub her most sensitive area. She bucks her hips. I place two fingers inside her causing her eyes to flutter open and look at me. Setting a slow rhyme I like, causes her much frustration.
I whisper in her ear, "Do you like this?" Being so immersed in our love, all she can do is nod.
I slide a third finger inside. She lets out a loud moan. Her expression of pleasure causes me to let one escape from behind my lips.
"Please!" Tauriel begs. "Please taste me Ithilwen." I oblige by placing myself between her legs, she is ever so close to release. I run my finger tips over her curves in the most delicate motion. As I trace over her breast, taking in the Goddess' brush strokes on this ravenous canvas Her hand created. I run my finger tips down her side and over her gut. She gasps when I get to her navel. She looks down at my hands in wanting wait. I run them down her hips and thighs getting slower and slower as I move down. Tracing my finger tips down her legs, I pay attention to every detail of each knee. I trace the rounds of her ankles to the bones in her foot. I kiss each of her halluxes before I lick one and then the other, causing her to shutter underneath my touch.
As I kiss back up her legs, she whines in frustration. Her eyes plead with mine as if a child who had wanted a piece of candy. Giving her what she most truly desires, I taste her with the lightest touch. When she whines again, I give in to her wordless plead. I kiss her in the way I know that she likes. Once she reaches release she gives a cry that makes me orgasm as I bite into her thigh.
I rest my head on her gut as she is brushing my hair with her fingers. Once our breathing slows, I join her side holding her. She falls into unadulterated bliss.
I put my journal under my pillow with my pen and try to get some sleep. The next morning one of the nurses comes around and wakes everyone up. I take a shower, taking the time to wash everything, there is not one piece of skin that I miss. I have to wash everything or I stay dirty, I scrub everything with water as hot as I can stand it.
After fixing my hair and putting on my makeup, I put on my dark pair of jeans and the green button up shirt. Turns out Brín does not know where I keep my t-shirts and only found my dress shirts. Just like a man I think, letting out a short laugh in response. I walk out and group has already started, and I missed breakfast. I walk into the group room and sit down.
"What is your name?" The instructor asks.
"Katheryn." I say flatly.
"My name is Jessica and I am one of the therapists here. We are talking about triggers. Do you know what a trigger is?" I nod my head. "Can you give us an example of one of your triggers."
I look at her with a look of annoyance. I look around the room and see that there at least thirty-five people in this room. It is so small I feel as though it will close in on me. There is a white board behind Jessica. "Putting me on the spot is not going to help my recovery."
"Katheryn, I have to write down that you participated."
I sigh. "Fine, I have many triggers." She looks at me to elaborate. "Small room with a lot of people." I snap. Before she could say anything I get up and walk out. Anger fills all of me. I feel my hands tighten and my face gets hot. I want to hit a wall thinking of my miscarriage. Only, I just walk back to my room and lay down as I cry. One of the nurses follows me in.
"Katheryn, is there something I can do?"
"I want to speak to Brín." I say as I lift my head and mumble through my breaths.
"We usually do not allow people to use the phone during group, can you wait until after group?" Before I could answer the doctor walks in.
"I will speak with her. Katheryn it is Dr. Hutchinson, will you sit up for me?" I lift up and lean my back against the wall. She hands me the kleenexes that are on the table. "I was just told that you went to group and left. Can you tell me why?"
"The rooms are too small for all those people. I can't sit in there and my anxiety be at a level that is tolerable. She asked me a question that I am not ready to answer, no matter how insignificant it was." I dry the tears off of my face.
"What did she ask you?"
"To tell her what one of my triggers are. I told her and then, I thought of my baby."
"Did you give your baby a name?"
"It was too early to know the sex. Just let me go home to Brín, this place is not helping."
"I can not trust that you won't try to kill yourself again."
"Me and Brín talked, and I am going to work on feeling better, we want to start a family. We both know that maybe this is not the proper time, but it will happen. I want it to happen. We plan on moving to Ireland and me getting a job at the local hospital."
"Why did you stop working at your last job? Brín said you should be the one to tell me."
I took a breath and then another. "Five months ago I was working a double and my supervisor decided he would take liberties that were not his to take."
"Are you saying you were raped?" I began to weep at that word.
An ugly word that should never have to be said. A word that should never have been invented because a woman should always have a choice if she wants sex or not. Brín always asks permission. Even the last time after the assault. I thought I was ready and I swear he asked me four times that night. My head may not have been in the right place and I was having flashbacks, but I did feel loved. I haven't been ready to make love to him since. I can't even look at a man's chest without wanting to vomit.
"Katheryn, I am going to need more from you. I can not in good conscious let you go home after an attempted suicide right after a rape and a miscarriage. You refuse to take medication, I can live with that, but I need you to go to groups. I need to you try in the groups. They are designed to help you because they have been tested. I need to see a mood change in you. You refuse to take medication, I am going to need your husband to take responsibility for you. You have to continue therapy outside of here. You will have a harder time than the people who leave here on medication, because the medicine actually helps them raise and stabilize their moods. You have to show me that you want this." She looks at me for understanding. I nod my head and look at her as if I am in some kind of defeat.
"Have you been writing?" I show her the composition notebook.
"Wow! This is a lot in one night. What is it about?"
"A story about my favourite story." I force a laugh. "Geeky I admit, but it brings me joy."
"I am glad that it gives you joy. We have a program called the Intensive Outpatient Program. Do you think you could do something like this?"
"For a little while, but as I said, Brín doesn't want to put the move to Ireland off any longer. He thinks by January."
"I hear you saying Brín wants to go, but do you want to go?"
Yes, maybe I wanted to become a psychiatric nurse, but I hate being on this side of it. Being psychoanalysed pisses me off. "Yes, more than anything. I have always said I want to raise my children there. It is my dream. That is one of the things that brought us together when we were dating."
"Then I need to see you try." All I can do is nod my head. There is nothing more that I can say to her. I want to try to live my life with him and have children but I know that I am not worthy to be his. I am not worthy to be anybody's.
"I made a mistake. If you let me go home, I will not try to kill myself." I say in a whine.
"Then try. Think about giving your baby a name." For the next four days, I did as she asked. I go to all the meetings and I participate when I have something to say, which is not a lot.
Today is Wednesday and Dr. Hutchinson is letting me go home. I have everything packed waiting on Brín to come pick me up. I have not written and I have worked very hard that they see my mood state change even though there was not one.
"How do you feel about going home today?" Dr. Hutchinson asks.
"Thank you for letting me go home, I am very grateful." I say a bit too emotionless.
"Are you sure?" I nod my head and force a smile.
Two hours later, "Katheryn, your husband is here to pick you up. If you follow me out to the lobby." A nurse that I have never met escorts me. I walk out to the lobby and see many empty red chairs. A couple is sitting with their daughter who appears to be about sixteen. She is weeping into her mother's arms. I overhear the therapist talking to her about detox. Turning my attention to the right, I see Brín smiling at me. I smile at him with all the energy I can muster. He grabs the bag from me with a kiss on my cheek.
The car ride home, I say nothing to him. I can only trace the curves and shapes of the cars and sign posts. I have always hated this car. He is leasing a BMW suv and I hate it.
I walk in the door and he starts with asking me questions. He has changed around the living room. My couch that I picked out is forest green. It looks just as nice as the day I bought it. I was already renting this house when I meet Brín. I see he has put some flowers on the dining room table. White roses, my favourite! I am being overwhelmed and I can only hear this noisy silence pervade the space around me. I want to scream! "Katheryn love," startles me and I jump, "I got you this." He picks up a black box off of the table. As I open it, I lay eyes on the most beautiful necklace I have ever seen. It has a raw diamond in it. Raw stones, I love since they are in their natural form and have the most energy. I immediately hug him with a kiss on his lips. I should feel something more from this, other than just cared about. But I don't, and now I feel horrible.
"It's beautiful honey! I will put it on after I lay my things down." Walking down the hall I see the picture I have hung up. A beautiful painting of the Irish shoreside of Dingle. It does not give me the same feeling as when I bought it. Walking into the bed room, I see everything is immaculate; it has all been straightened and dusted. Something I have not done in months. Brín was getting upset about me not cleaning. I sit down on the bed and run my hand along the cold comforter. Laying down on the bed, I smile at the softness of it. I have not had good sleep in weeks, yet I know I will sleep soundly tonight. He lays down next to me as he pulls me close. I feel a gentle kiss on my hair and my body warms. I want to feel him run his hands along my body. I don't have the energy to love him, so I just fall into his embrace.
After dinner Brín takes me to bed. He claims his side. The right side closet to the door. He reads for a while then falls asleep. I toss and turn until I know sleep will not take me tonight. I pull out my note book and copy everything onto my computer. It is nearly two thirty and I decide to continue to write.