Yesterday I was thinking about how I have so little fic inspiration lately, and then while thinking of the last episode, something really little turned into this oneshot. Enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything you recognize from television. So, basically nothing.

"That was an embarrassing conversation," Howard said, shaking his head as soon as Sheldon left the table for the bathroom.

"Tell me about it, Captain Obvious," Penny said, propping her elbows up on the table and putting her head in her hands.

"For someone who claims to be so smart, he's wrong a lot of the time," Howard said. Leonard nodded in agreement. Raj pointed at Leonard's nod and nodded, as if his own nod wasn't enough to show that he agreed.

"I wish we had some sort of buzzer, or bell, or something to alert us that he's about to embarrass himself when talking to other people," Penny said.

"So we can warn him?" Leonard asked.

"I was going for 'so we can leave before it happens' but yeah, sure, warning him could work, too." Penny sat back, leaning against the back of the booth. She reached for her knife and pushed what remained of her food around on the plate.

"Why don't we get him that encyclopedia Britannica video that explains where babies come from?" Howard suggested. Raj leaned over and whispered something to him. "I know it's graphic, but…"

"He is aware of how humans usually reproduce," Leonard said. "But he's not good with…alternate terminology, I guess. He understands it on a very fundamental scale, but hasn't learned anything past that."

"Why not?" Penny asked. "You'd think he'd want to know everything about everything." She glanced over at the people Sheldon had innocently made embarrassing comments to. They seemed to have recovered from the shock that a thirty – year – old man could be that naïve.

"Not that," Leonard said. "Remember how you said he didn't know what Radiohead was?"

Penny nodded. "Because he has an understanding of the important things in this universe."

"Right," Howard said. "So he wouldn't go to any lengths to learn about sex because, to him, it's unimportant."

"And since he has a basic understanding of all important things in the universe," Leonard pointed out, "it's amazing he knows anything about sex at all."

"He probably learned from his brother and sister," Howard said.

Penny spit her drink across the table, and Howard and Raj flinched. "That's not what I meant!" Howard said. Raj had his hands over his mouth, Leonard was shaking slightly in the effort of keeping quiet, and Penny was outright laughing. "I mean, his brother and sister are completely normal individuals, like us…"

"Like you?" Penny questioned.

"Hang on," Leonard chided. "Let's see where he's going."

"Hopefully somewhere less creepy and incestual," Penny said, looking pointedly at Howard.

"What I meant," Howard said again, slowly, "is that since his brother and sister are of the species that does have an interest in such activities, he likely overheard things that taught him a little about such events."

Raj whispered something to Howard, and the engineer nodded and looked at Penny. "Such as your use of 'oh, God'." Leonard smirked. "So," Howard continued, "his brother and sister likely had girlfriends and boyfriends over, he likely heard them talking – or doing some other stuff – and therefore acquired his primitive knowledge of sexual intercourse and the events that precede and follow it."

"That makes sense," Penny said. "However, it doesn't change that he needs to know more. He doesn't have to do anything, but he needs to have at least a comparable understanding to people his age." She looked at Leonard. "I'm surprised that in the four years you knew him before I moved in, you guys never thought to do something about his naiveté."

"Don't blame me," Leonard said. "You've now known him going on four years and this is the first you're talking of it."

"Which, technically, is still worse for you," Howard said, "because you're going on eight years."

"You're going on eight years, too," he pointed out.

"Guys!" Penny said. "He'll be coming back to the table any minute. Let's go to the bookstore tomorrow, or something, and get him a book that will explain everything."

"Good idea," Leonard said.

"Yeah," Howard agreed.

"Yeah!" Called a man from the table that Sheldon had talked to earlier.

Raj saluted him.

"So how do we give it to him?" Penny asked.

"I believe that one of us holds it in our hands, and then we pass it along to him," Howard said, raising an eyebrow at Penny. "It's not rocket science."

"I know how to physically hand something over to someone else," Penny said, rolling her eyes, "I meant, do we just hand it to him?"

"What, do you want to wrap it?" Leonard asked. "It's not his birthday."

Raj whispered to Howard. "They know it's not Christmas either," Howard said, sighing deeply.

"Let's just go in there, tell him we have something for him, and that he needs to read it," Leonard said.

"Okay," Penny agreed.

Raj saluted. "Yeah, not funny anymore," Howard said.

Penny looked down at the book they'd chosen. It had small, long words, and a few black and white pictures but nothing too colorful or childish. "Let's do it."

They entered the apartment with solemn expressions. Sheldon was sitting in his spot. He looked up at them with what was as close to a pleasant smile as he could assume, and then frowned upon seeing there expressions. "Is something going on?" He asked.

Leonard, Penny, Howard, and Raj glanced at each other. "Sort of," Howard said after a moment.

"So I got it right?" Sheldon said after a moment's pause.

"Yes," Penny said slowly. "You did. Listen…"

"That's what I was doing."

"We know," Leonard said, giving a warning glace at Howard, who appeared to be nearing the end of his patience. "We have something for you."

"Is it a robot?"

"No," Howard said.

"A comic book?"

"No," said Leonard.

He sat up straighter. "A time machine?"

Penny rolled her eyes. "No, Sheldon.

"Wil Wheaton's head on a platter?"

Raj shook his head.

Sheldon looked back down at the comic book in his hand. "Then I'm not interested."

"Sheldon," Penny said gently, moving forward. The rest of the guys followed her. Penny came to a stop a few feet from Sheldon. "We have something for you that we'd like you to read." She held it out.

Sheldon glanced at the title. "Nope."

"It's a gift, Sheldon," Leonard said.

Sheldon looked confused. "Why? It's not my birthday, or Christmas!"

Raj nudged Howard. "Fine," Howard mumbled, shaking his head.

"It's just because," Penny said, shrugging.

"Yeah," Leonard said. "Just because. Take it, Sheldon."

"Read it," Penny said.

Sheldon sighed, taking the book from Penny. "Fine." He got up and headed to his room.

Leonard, Penny, Raj, and Howard stood in the living room, watching him go. Penny's arms were folded. Raj's hands were clasped. Leonard's head was cocked. Howard was biting his lip.

After a moment, Leonard shook his head. "He's not going to read it."

"Hell no," Penny said. Raj and Howard shook their heads.

"Well," Howard said. "We did what we could."

"You're right." Penny turned around and held up her hand. The guys good – naturedly returned the high five, one at a time. "Good job, guys."

I thought about putting Bernadette and Amy into the fic, but then I figured we see so much of them in the show now it might be nice to have a fic with just the five. Hope you liked it!