Once, in a land very far away (and very technologically inadvanced), there was a kingdom ruled over by a gorgeous king named Till. The king was fair and kind to his subjects, called the Rammfans because of the country's name, Rammfandom. King Till had a wife named Reesh who was sweet and lovely, but promiscuous, where his beautiful daughter was shy and rarely left the castle grounds for any reason other than on goodwill missions to the countries around theirs who were faring poorly.
One such place was Flakefans, a small and impersonal group of islands in the Sea of Pron. The king here had very little power and even fewer subjects, but he had an attractive son of age who, along with his most trusted advisor/best friend, had left to find a wealthy family to marry into to stop mooching from the royalty of Flakefans.
The prince, one Olliver, was soft-spoken and pure-hearted, but painfully shy. In his quest, he had found several eligible mates, all of whom were pretty and generally kind, but he had never been able to suggest anything more than friendship to them or their parents, and was thus still questing.
His companion, Dero, was small and excitable, with an affinity for women's clothes and shiny things. As well as catching he princesses' attention, he often stole their virtue before leaving with an increasingly downtrodden prince Ollie.
"Don't worry, Ollie! This time she'll like you best."
"I hope so... I'd like to at least talk with her for a while. It's said she's the most lovely princess this country's ever had." Ollie replied, adjusting the strap of his rucksack and putting on a determined smile.
Now, before I continue, it should be said that not everything is as it seemed in Rammfandom. The king was sweet and good, as was his wife and daughter, the castle staff and his cousin who lived there as well, grand duke Paulie. No, they were good people, but they had some things hidden from view.
You see, both the queen and the princess were men.
The king, when he was still a young man and had fewer responsibilities, had dabbled in the more shadowy practices of the time, including homosexuality. You see, it wasn't really... Well, legal, to deprive the nation of younglings to fight and farm and fuck for the king. Till, knowing this, had hidden his identity and done the deeds under cover of dark.
Even now, after having changed many laws involving the people's' homes and personal lives, he could not admit that he had married a man he had fallen for while committing felony.
Both had reasoned that it wouldn't go over well with the peasants.
The princess? Oh, yes, how could I forget?
You see, what they lacked in technology and running water, the kingdoms made up for in magic.
Depending on your amount of money and power, you could have a child born of less natural means than real birth.
The richest and most powerful men and women consulted the oracle's attendants or bought dragon's blood for ritual sacrifice to many pagan gods and were gifted with one of the pair becoming pregnant. This was often how noble, heterosexual couples left barren would remedy the situation, but many times the man would become pregnant, which was rather hard to hide.
The second richest contacted witches and bought deer-children, but this was also hard to hide as the children tended to startle easily and eat the roses.
The merchant class could talk to common wizards to have an orphan get altered memories, but this was a long task and often left the child unable to comprehend why he remembered things differently than his parents and why kids he didn't know would ask him about himself.
The common folk dealed in voodoo and got, in exchange, swamp babies made of mud, hair and good intentions. Theses babies were very tame and worked hard, but didn't like talking much and were assumed dull and listless. (They were shy.)
Although the king obviously had access to the dragon's blood and oracles, he decided to have a swamp baby because they had the fewest issues in the world.
The princess had decided that he wanted to be a princess, for reasons no one could fathom.
Enough back story.
"I really don't see why you never make a move."
"Dero, you don't get it, I'm not just chasing a pretty skirt. I want love." Ollie looked into the distance wistfully and sighed. "Don't you want to meet someone to spend your life getting old with?"
"Not really. I like traveling and I like sex, but love seems like a stretch." Dero adjusted his cap, making it sparkle more vibrantly in the sun.
Ollie sighed for probably the thousandth time that day as they crested the hill before a sprawling castle made of champagne colored marble and stained glass.
Dero flagged a passing guard.
"Hey! Go tell the king there's a prince here to meet his daughter."
Ollie kicked Dero over and grinned as innocently as he could.
"Forgive him, he's slow. I'm a prince, and I'd like to meet the king and the princess."
The guard looked at them suspiciously before waving another guard over, whispering to him, and finally having Guard #2 open the gates.
"Go on. But Tuesdays aren't good for visiting." Guard #1 stated gruffly, glaring at them under his helmet.
"Thank you, sir."
Dero scoffed, dusting off his jacket. He followed his friend in the gates with a holier-than-thou look on his face.
"Let me ask you something."
"What?" Ollie raised an eyebrow at him without any malice.
"If you aren't looking for another pretty skirt..."
"Hmm?"
"Why haven't you ever shown interest in any of the homely- but very nice -princesses we've come across?" Dero peered up at him suspiciously.
"Well, um you see-That's um-that-" Olliver looked a bit flustered and rubbed his forehead as though to wipe away the nonexistent sweat there.
"Or could it be that all your preaching is really just so you don't think about your own perverted reasoning for this trip?" Dero's grin was full of himself.
"And what, my dear advisor, would that be?" Ollie had stopped walking and was looking the smaller man in the eyes with his hands on his hips.
"You just want a nice piece of ass."
Ollie perceptively jumped backwards at the accusation, his face molded into a mask of disgust. He took three strides forward, then turned on his heel and walked back, opened his mouth to speak, changed his mind, and slammed into the royal courtroom, now left empty. On the nearest bench was a sign that said 'Closed Tuesdays and Fridays for Royal Rest days'.
"Excuse me?" A tallish man with red hair and a soft face asked, rubbing his neck like he couldn't remember something. "What are you doing?"
"I am prince Olliver, and this is my *attendant*-"the way he said that, Dero knew he would be in for an earful later. "-and we are here to meet the princess."
"Um, okay. I'm Gerard, the steward of this court, and it's closed. So come back another time." With that, he put on his hat and went to walk past the two in the doorway.
"Gee?" A soft voice called from around the turn, echoing slightly around the empty amphitheater. "What's wrong? I heard the door slam."
"It's okay, Christo-princess. There are some people to see your majesty and you." Gerard put his hat down on the bench and pulled off his coat. "Come on, then. You got her attention. Maybe the king will even talk to you."
"Thank you!" Ollie was practically vibrating out of his finery.
Around the bend in the hall was a slim, medium-sized youngling in a simple pink dress covered in ruffles over her chest and hips. Her short blonde hair curled above her ears, and she was in the process of removing her long gloves.
"Prince Ollie, this is the princess, Crystal." Gerard used one hand to gesture to the two while the other combed his hair nervously. "Now that you've met, let's leave before someone gets angry. Or worse, before the Duke notices I'm still here..."
"You said they wanted to meet Ma and Da, though?"
Gerard sighed heavily.
Dero narrowed his eyes and took a closer look at the princess.
"I'll take them to their room, okay, Gee? But make sure to visit Paulie. That's an order!" the princess said, addressing the redhead, before turning to Ollie and Dero. "Follow me, please."
Gerard followed anyway.
As they walked up an ornate staircase, Dero continued to scrutinize the princess's appearance while Ollie practically fell over himself just looking at her.
In hushed tones, Ollie told Dero "I think I'm in love..."
Dero, for once, had nothing to say.
At the door to the master bedroom, there was a sign stating that entry was not allowed unless the building was on fire AND flooding. Crystal paid no mind to this and opened the door without knocking.
Inside, on the large bed, the queen was face-down, her rear in the air, moaning and gripping the sheets while the king thrust away behind her.
"Ah. CRYS?!" Reesh yelled, looking up before wrapping the sheets around himself quicker than the intruders could see before storming out of the room.
Till, sighing, covered himself with one of the throw-pillows strewn around the bed. "Yes, dear?"
"Da, these men wanted to speak with you."
'These men' had gone to stand at the other end of the hall and think about baseball to avoid the eyes of the still nude king and the quiet hatred bubbling from Gerard.
"Gerard. Set up a room for them; I'll deal with this tomorrow." Till grumbled.
The steward closed the door immediately before stopping a passing cleaning woman and asking her to have a room set up, with all the politeness you'd expect from the court steward.
"Ms. Fletch will show you to your room." Gee's voice was tight and not unkind. "Follow her, please."
As the prince and his advisor walked off shamefully, Christoph turned to the redhead. "After you visit uncle Paulie, come to my room."
Now the steward smirked, leaning in towards his superior and kissing the other man. "I wouldn't miss it." With that, he sauntered down the carpeted path to a door with a large pineapple painted on it, where the carpet suddenly had tigers and conifers on it. He took a deep, calming breath, and walked into the Grand Duke's wing.
As he opened the door, a shriek of delight broke the silence.
"Gee! You never visit! I missed you! So did Courtney." Paul pointed to his poodle, who was walking in a small circle. "Do you want some tea?"
Gerard grinned at the small man. For whatever reason, just after Christoph was 'born', Paul had stopped leaving the castle, and rarely spoke to anyone.
He never got any mail.
"Sure. I know a good place in town, if you would come with." He held out his arm, knowing that under the silky robe, Paul was fully dressed. "They have the best candies, too."
Paul looked at Gee's limb suspiciously, just as he did every time the taller man suggested an outing.
Perfect silence covered the room
"Okay." Paul removed his too-long robe to show poorly matched finery, including a purple and orange coat. "Let's go. You're paying, though."
Gerard was so surprised that the little man had suddenly agreed after years of trying that he didn't respond for an instant. Then, "No problem. I bet you'll like the girl who owns the place. She's nice."
As they left through a much less grand service entrance, Courtney began chewing on a candelabra.
After an uneventful day in town buying all the candy Gerard's pocketbook could afford, Paul skipped off to his room, stopping in the guest room to meet Ollie, the princess Suite to give up some candy, and in the master bedroom to mention a pay raise for the steward so he could buy more sweets and nice things for him.
Gerard sighed softly. "I guess I need a bath now."