"I get the sensation of drifting away from my loved ones, when all I want is to mean as much to them as they mean to me. I want to be loved as much as I love. I want selfish reimbursement for my feelings." Naruto Uzumaki was staring at his naked reflection in the dirty mirror that hung at an angle from his bedroom wall. He traced a large scar, that ran from his right shoulder to right under his left armpit, with his fingers. It was less than a month old, but the scabbing had long subsided, leaving the smooth pink etching that made its way across his chest.
Sasuke Uchiha's sword had given him that long pink scar, and it had almost caused Naruto's death. The sword now sat on Naruto's dresser, to the left of the dirty mirror. He picked it up and dragged it off, knocking down a clay gourd full of water and several trinkets he had collected over the years. The water spilled down the dresser, coating the brown wood in a liquid glaze.
"The truth is," He admired the heavy weapon in his hands, rubbing his fingers over the length of the saya, "I feel like when we killed each other, I came back with some of him in me."
He pulled the sword partially out of its place in the scabbard, then with aggression he drew the blade fully, holding it parallel to the scar on his chest.
"Fuck everything."
He placed the saya back down on the wet dresser, but carried the sword back toward his bed. He slashed the sword on the opposing wall, letting only the tip of the straight blade make contact. His blow carved a small straight mark on the plaster, beside dozens exactly like it. It was a tally, counting the number of days since he came back home, the number of days since Sakura stopped talking to him. He re-sheathed the sword and dropped it gently down on his old, worn-out bed.
Picking up the gourd, he swallowed what was left of the water. He left to the left of the mirror, entering the small adjoining bathroom. It was dirty, but it didn't smell too bad. Most of the stains on the sink and toilet were from blood, and even though the metallic scent had long left, the coppery discoloring on the walls and floor revealed how many times Naruto had been injured inside.
He made his way to the sink and turned on the cold water. It rushed out of the faucet, and the force with which it hit the porcelain bowl caused water to spray back at Naruto, but he didn't care. The droplets stuck to his bare chest, and rolled down as he cupped his hands into the bowl, pulling water up onto his dirty face and into his dirty hair. He ran his wet fingers over his face and through his hair, then splashed more water over his head.
"Fuck everything." He moaned, his eyes shut tight as water droplets rolled down his face. He grabbed a pink towel that was once white and wiped his face dry. He draped it back over its holder on the wall, and headed back into his bedroom.
He pulled a t-shirt off the ground, and pressed it to his nose. Not too repulsed by the smell, he put it on. Next, he scoured the floor for clean pants, which were slightly harder to find. Ultimately, he managed to find one of his three pairs of black jonin pants, and pulled them on.
He taped his kunai holster onto his right thigh, and strapped his shuriken pouch onto the backside of his waist. Opening his closet, he was faced with two metal coat hangers, from one hung his green Konoha vest, and from the other hung a black and orange jacket that hadn't been worn in years.
Naruto frowned upon seeing it, and grabbed his vest quickly before slamming the door shut.
He zipped up the vest and stretched his arms and back. Then, he grabbed a beaded bracelet from his dresser, at the center of the beads sat a small statue of Jizo: the protector of travelers, women, and children. He slipped the bracelet onto his wrist and grabbed Sasuke's sword from his bed. Taking one long look at the walls of his room, he grimaced at the number of tally marks.
"Maybe today." He wished aloud before putting on his shoes and leaving his room.
"Alright, sir. I'm going to ask you a few questions. I want you to give me the most honest answers you can give, okay?"
"Sounds reasonable enough." Naruto answered, staring hard at the steely eyed therapist. The man never looked away, but his left eye twitched every minute that Naruto stared at him without blinking.
"Okay, what is your favorite color?"
"Really?" Naruto asked, scoffing. The therapist only stared back at him, "Fine. Malevolence."
"What?"
"My favorite color is malevolence."
"Malevolence isn't a color." The therapist laughed.
"Says who?" Naruto asked, deathly serious.
"Well... well what does Malevolence look like?"
"Swirling red and black, forever spinning but never mixing." Naruto said, so naturally that the answer couldn't have been rehearsed.
"O...kay. Let's move on then." The therapist cleared his throat, "What is your favorite season?"
"Fall." Naruto said bluntly, not bothering to elaborate.
"Alright, when did-"
"I'm getting sick of this." Naruto stood up abruptly, grabbing Sasuke's sword off the back of his chair.
"Wait, we've only got through two questions-"
"Listen." Naruto swung the sword's strap over his arm, "I'm only doing this as a favor for an old friend. I mean no disrespect to your occupation, but I don't believe in all this psychoanalytical judgment crap."
"Wait, Sasuke-" Whatever the therapist had to say about Naruto's companion, he was silenced when the boy unsheathed the Uchiha's razor sharp sword.
"Don't you dare say that name to me. This has nothing to do with him." He hissed. Naruto sheathed the sword and stormed out of the therapist's office, leaving the steely eyed man alone and confused.
Naruto knocked lightly on the door to the fifth Hokage's office.
"Come in." Tsunade called from inside. He did.
"Hey." He said cheerfully, only to be immediately met with a sneering scowl.
"What do you want?"
"Well what are you so upset about?" Naruto asked, treading carefully.
"Get out." Tsunade said, dropping her head down.
"What?" Naruto asked, shocked. A sake bottle flew at his head.
"Get the fuck out!" Tsunade's eyes were watery, and Naruto knew better than to anger her in an enraged state. He excused himself from her office, feeling worse than when he had arrived.
"Hey."
"Why are you here?"
"... It's been weeks since we've spoken to each other."
"So?"
Naruto cringed. That was the last thing he wanted to hear.
"'S..So'?" He choked out, "What do you mean, 'so'?"
"I mean, that I couldn't care less if we never talk again." Sakura said without any sign of difficulty.
Naruto could almost hear the crystal clear shattering of his heart.
"Wh-what? But why?" He asked, on the verge of tears, "Sakura... I-I, I love you."
He didn't see her punch coming, but it barely made a difference. Except for the change in location from standing on his feet to lying on the ground, he didn't feel anything anyway.
"You twisted bastard. You sick fuck. How dare you?" She was shaking.
"I-I-I" He repeated, trying his hardest to fight away the tears.
"Where was this love when I needed it? When I wanted it? Where was this love when you killed the man I loved?"
"I didn't mean to kill him, I didn't mean to-"
"God, Sasuke. You make me so fucking sick."
"I-" Naruto's eyes widened, "What did you call me?"
"Sicko? Psychopath? Fucking filth?" Sakura said, laughing with spite.
"No, you called me-"
"What? Your name? Your fucking name? Do you like hearing me say it? Oh Sasuke, you pathetic piece of shit." Sakura said, cracking her knuckles, "If you weren't protected like some fucking endangered species because of those eyes of yours, I'd kill you. I'd do more than kill you."
"Sakura..." The boy uttered.
"Go away. Leave me the FUCK alone."
"I'm Naruto, Sakura, I'm Naruto!" He screamed, so desperately that she almost believed him.
"Here I was thinking you couldn't get any sicker, any more pathetic." She turned away, "Keep talking like that, and I swear I'll kill you. Screw the council, I'll kill you right here."
"I'm Naruto!" He sprung to his feet, "Why would you call me Sasuke?!"
"Shut. The Fuck. Up." Sakura said, hissing and seething at him.
"Listen!" He grabbed her by the arms and pulled her close, although she struggled, she couldn't free herself from his desperate grip, "Look at me! I'm Naruto you psycho!"
She head-butted him, hard. He didn't budge.
"Fuck!" He screamed.
"The next one caves your skull in, let go of me." She said, acid in her tone.
"If I were lying, I'd be afraid! I'm telling the-" She cut of his preaching with a knee to the groin.
He let out a hushed groan as he fell back to the ground.
Sakura stared down at him, the way he passed out almost making her feel like trying to believe him. Almost. She kicked him in the head as she walked away.
Just as Sakura closed the door to her apartment, it started pouring rain. In the dark, Naruto remained unnoticed by the casual passerby, and laid there in the dark and wet until morning.
When the sun finally came up, Sakura passed by the unconscious man on her way to work. Once again, she felt a strange feeling of pity that she knew was both undeserved by him, and undesirable for her. She didn't kick him or spit on him, but glared at his broken body as she made her way to the hospital.
"Morning Sakura." Shizune said, smiling sadly at the young girl.
"It is, isn't it." Sakura joked, smiling back.
"Rough night?" Shizune asked, donning the older sister shroud.
"Well..." Sakura said, signing in on a clipboard next to Shizune, "Get this. I'm sitting on my couch at home last night, reading a book, when there's a knock at my door."
"Cute boy?" Shizune asked, pessimistically hopeful.
"Sasuke Uchiha."
"Oh."
"Yeah." Sakura said, sitting down beside Shizune.
"What on earth did he want?"
"Uh, that-UH! I mean, what the hell is his problem?" Sakura said, almost laughing, "That jerk comes to my house after dark, and he tries to tell me that he's-he's-he's-"
"He's what?" The Hokage asked, entering the room with a folder in her hand, "Here Shizune, file these for me, will you?"
Shizune stood up to file the paperwork, and Tsunade took her seat next to Sakura.
"He tried to tell me that he's really Naruto."
"What?" Tsunade said, angry.
"I know, what the hell is his problem? To think I would believe that and- what does he stand to gain anyway?"
"He barged in on yesterday too, acted like nothing had happened. He walked in with a smile on his face, and then acted like he didn't know why I hated him." Tsunade said, perplexed.
"Do you think... do you think he might be telling the truth?" Shizune said, somewhat hopefully, from her place at the filing cabinet.
"Now, I want Naruto back as much as you guys... well, no offense, but more than you guys... but I'm not willing to accept the possibility that he's been here this whole time, dressed up as Sasuke."
"You're right. It just wouldn't make any sense." Tsunade agreed with Sakura, but the mutual feeling of suspicion wasn't broken.
Naruto woke up slowly, his testicles sore.
"Oh... dammit."
He moved cautiously, slowly bringing his aching body to his feet. He wasn't robbed while he was out, and that was lucky, but the reason for his lack of consciousness was too unsettling for him to rejoice at his good fortune.
"Oh, dammit." He stumbled a ways, then realized he had left Sasuke's sword on the ground, picked it back up, and stumbled some more, "Dammit."
He fell sideways, colliding with the wall of Sakura's house, and accidentally sending his fist through a window. He didn't swear at first, but when he pulled his hand back out through the glass, and blood was flowing quite heavily from his hand, he let out a soft,
"Fuck."
He wasn't sure if it was enough to bleed him out, considering his demonic healing abilities, but he didn't want to die in an identity crisis, so he started walking to the hospital.
"Hey... um, can someone help me out here?" Naruto called over the empty welcome desk at the hospital. It was a slow day, and the waiting room was practically empty, "Hello?"
If there were crickets in the hospital, they would be chirping.
"Hey! I'm fucking bleeding out here! Isn't there anyone who can give me a bandage or some-shit!"
Sakura Haruno poked her head around the corner, and at seeing who was complaining her expression quickly changed from agitation to anger.
"I didn't hit you that hard."
"Don't flatter yourself, forehead. I cut my arm open on your fucking window." He held up his right arm, which was oozing blood at an ever increasing rate.
"I'm not fixing you. Ask one of the other doctors."
"There's nobody else here!" Naruto yelled, throwing his hands up in dramatic fashion, then in simulation of an echo, he repeated himself, "Here... here... here... here-"
"Cut that out!"
"Make me!" Naruto shouted, obnoxiously sticking his tongue out and putting his hands on the side of his head in some crude imitation of antlers, before stumbling and almost falling. Sakura couldn't help but laugh, "I need to sit down."
He fainted.
Naruto woke up in a hospital bed alone and unattended to. He was fully dressed except for his Jizo bracelet, which was discarded to make room for the gauze and tape that wrapped up his arm.
He found it and Sasuke's sword on a table near the window, and put them both on before leaving the room.
"Hey! Sakura, where are you?" He called down the almost empty corridors of the hospital.
"Leave me alone." She said as she walked from one room to another. Naruto caught up with her, only to peer into the room and see she had a patient. He stood beside the door and waited patiently.
"I want to talk to you." He said when she left the room.
"I don't have anything to say to you." She went straight into another room, and Naruto had to wait again.
"Listen, I can prove to you that I'm Naruto!"
"Psshhh, what are you going to do? Tell me something about him only I know about?"
"Well, yeah, I could do that."
"Ha! Try me." Sakura said, ducking into another room.
"Well... I uh." He started when she returned, "Well, ask me something only I would know."
"That's bullshit, you might be using some sharingan trick to read my fucking mind!"
"I don't have the Sharingan!" Sakura stepped into another room. Naruto was growing impatient.
"That day on the bench, when we were kids? That was me!"
"Yeah, I know." She said, scoffing, as she came back into the hallway.
"No, I mean I disguised myself as Sasuke to try to kiss you!"
"Sure... that makes sense." Sakura stared at Naruto, her eyes ready to roll.
"No, I... well wait! Wait a second!" Naruto grabbed Sakura as she tried to sneak into another room.
"You're hurting me." She said bluntly.
"Listen! I have the nine tailed fox inside of me! I know his real name: Kurama! Why can't you see that I'm Naruto!? I have a scar on my chest from Sasuke's sword!" He struggled to unzip is vest and pull down his t-shirt. Sakura's eyes widened, "See? Every time I look in the mirror I see me, Naruto! I count the number of days since I got back to the village with Sasuke's dead body on the walls in my room, the number of days since you last spoke to me, before yesterday! 97!"
Naruto took a deep breath.
"I fought Sasuke and we killed each other, but Kurama brought me back! I though you were mad at me for killing Sasuke, so I left you alone! I didn't know you thought I killed myself, I would have explained sooner! I have my orange jacket in my closet, I live in my apartment! My Apartment! Naruto Uzumaki's Apartment!"
Another breath.
"I remember the five years where it was just you and me, without Sasuke, I remember how sometimes we would stay up all night by the fire, talking about old times. I remember how jealous I got every time you talked about Sasuke! I love you Sakura! I'm Naruto! I can do the shadow clone jutsu, see?!"
Naruto formed his forbidden hand-sign and summoned a clone.
"I can do the Rasengan, see?!" He formed the chakra ball in his hand, then released it into the air. He released his clone and started shaking Sakura, "Why can't you see that I'm me?!"
"Oh... my god."
"Please Sakura..." Naruto said, the tears streaming down his face, "Please believe me."
She made him lift up his chin so she could see his face.
Sakura stared hard into his eyes.
Suddenly, she gasped.
"Naruto!?"