A/N:This is definitely a challenge, I must say. In every aspect.
Challenge Fic: Uncommon People Challenge (Prompt: Hurting Inside & Out)
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. J.K Rowling is a genius, I have to say.
In Your Heart
Autumn Leaves
I use to love autumn. It was the best season. Not to warm yet not so cold either; Just right. I remember piling up leaves when I was younger and then doing a canon ball straight into them. I remember the nights when I would sit on the roof top and watch the stars. Snuggling up, shielding myself from the autumn breeze. I use to write. Almost every morning, I wrote a short story and even dabbled in Haiku's while watching the tree leaves fall.
A single leaf falls
Landing on its resting place
To be born again
Ninety-one days...
It is so...what is the right word? Funny?sad?... heartbreaking. Your life can change in an instant. That leaf can be washed away by the Autumn rain or crushed by kids. A life taken away. A journey cut short.
Sometimes, I still can smell the autumn leaves. I can still feel the breeze. I hate it. I hate that I still have so many fond memories. Sometimes I...
Now, I cry myself to sleep. I am so lonely at times. The food I eat always pay me a visit. I stay to myself. No hogsmeade. I stay inside, even on good days. Even on the good days...
Does any thing ever stay the same...
I wish I can freeze frame. Just take one happy moment and relive it. Never will I have to endure pain, lost...death. Never will I be faced with life changing decisions. Never will I see that leaf wash away, never to be reborn again...
I use to love the outdoors. I use to... Love... but it is gone now. Six feet under the rubble.
Sometimes I wonder. I wonder if anything will ever be the same. Or if this all was...was some kind of nightmare.
Wake up...
"Hannah."
That voice...
"Hannah." Neville's voiced filled my ears.
"What is it that you want, Neville?" I hear myself say from a distance.
"Hannah, I just...I wanted to check on you."
Check on me.
"Why?"
"I know how hard it is..."
"You do not know anything!" It was as if something took hold of me. I was inches away from Neville's face.
"Hannah please, calm down."
"Don't tell me to calm down! You have no idea what I am going through!" I'm pacing, hands on my head. Why am I so...
"It's alright you know. To be angry, but you have to somehow channel that anger into something else. Something less destructive." He said, his eyes following me.
I stay silent. My shoes hitting the cold stone floor. Pacing... Running... From what?
"I was the same way you know. When my mum and dad was...tortured, I felt so alone. I felt like the world was against me. So I ran. Ran from the past. I tried to get away, but Hannah, I have to tell you; You can never hide from the past. One day you will have to face it." I heard him take a breath. "You are not alone."
"I am, no one is here. No one knows what it is like to...to loose the only family you have. Harry never knew his parents and you- you can still see your parents Neville. My mother is dead!..." My feet stop but my mind was still racing.
"I hurt to." He started to walk towards me. "I hurt just as much as you, Hannah." He said to me, cupping my cheek.
Our pain, is the same...
"No!" I slapped his hand away.
So angry...
"You do not know how I feel. I... She was the only family I had!" My voice dances across the room. He tried to reach out, but I backed away. Why? Why can I not...
He reached for me again. Success... "Please..." His eyes widen. "Oh, Hannah..."
"Just let me be, Neville!" I jerked away. I had to get away from this...I had to...
"The burn marks. I use to do the same, Hannah." He said, lifting his sleeves up. "We share the same pain, Hannah."
We share the same pain...
It was so sudden. The tears fell...
"I miss her. I miss her so much..."
"I know you do. It gets better though, with time." I felt his arms wrap around me. Pulling me in... Taking on my pain...
"I just want to die." My voice is low...hollow. "End it, please."
His grip grew tighter, as if to protect me from...
"You will get thru it." He whispered. "Together."
Together...
Together... We...
The bond is broken... "No! I do not want to get thru it. I just... I want it to end. I want to be with her!" I yelled, loosing control. My voice was not my own. This rage...This rage was...
"Hannah, calm down."
Gripping my hair, I started pacing again. My heart was breaking. My skin, hot. "She was my mother!"
"Hannah-."
My screams filled the air. I could feel myself loosing control...
No turning back...
Fists met the stone wall. Again...and again...
Until.
"Breathe, Hannah."
Taking in this oxygen in my lungs is too complex...
"I just want to die. I feel so alone."
"You are not alone." He held me tighter as I started shaking, tears flowing.
"How...how do I..."
"Talk about it. You have to talk, you can not hold it in."
"I don't know where to begin." My voice is hoarse and throat sore. "I just... I feel like dying every single day. I dream about her every night. I pray that when I wake up she will be here. There all days when I see an owl fly my way, and I swear for a second I think it is her sending me a birthday wish." I whispered. "I... Merlin, I even think about going to see her during vacation but then...reality hits. She is gone. She will always be gone. They say write letters to her, and send them off in the sky. That doesn't help. None of it helps. I am starting to hate everything I use to love. Even the seasons."
"You will love again."
"I do not think I ever will. I just feel so empty inside. Like my very soul is gone. There are times when I go days without eating. Nights without sleeping. Days without...without even bathing. I feel so lost. I feel so hollow. No matter how much I write or talk, it still does not subside the pain I feel inside. The burns...I started because... I wanted to feel something. I wanted to know that I could feel, but after a while the pain did not faze me. Nothing did."
Neville listen, his heart aching.
Pain...
So much... Pain.
"I felt numb. Physical pain and Emotional pain blended in for me. My sadness turned into anger. I started loosing myself. I just... I just do not understand why it could not have been me. Why did she have to die?"
"Questions often leads to more pain. Our only answer is to keep moving forward, Hannah. It takes time. It is going to be hard, but it is not impossible."
"I feel so empty..."
"I... I almost tried to kill myself. I thought suicide was the answer." Neville said.
My eyes grew wide...
"I could not handle seeing my mum and dad the way they were. Late at night, I...I wrote a letter and just...I hung myself."
"Neville..."
"My grandmother came come early and found me. An inch away from death." He cupped my cheek. "Hannah, you are worth so much. Do not ever give up. If I would have died that night, I would have missed out on so much. Hannah, you have impacted so many people and you will impact even more in your life time. Do not ever think you are not worth living."
"But..."
"No butts, you are an amazing woman. Let your light shine." He said, wiping away my tears.
Let your light shine. . .
"OK."
"Smile for me."
As much as I wanted to shield away, I couldn't. A smile crept across my face.
"Beautiful."
"I'm a mess." I whispered.
"You area strong woman. Come on, lets go out and enjoy the day."
I hesitated. Out? "Outside?"
"The first step, is to acknowledge that it happen. Lets face it together."
"I don't know."
He took y hand. "Together."
I looked in his eyes. All these years. All of these years and I couldn't see how much of a great man Neville has become. "OK, but...I'm not ready to see her."
"It took me almost a year to see my parents. It takes time and we have all the time in the world. You and me. Together."
Together...
I took his hand. He smiled, leading me out. I was nervous... So nervous.
Just a few more steps...
"Are you ready?" He asked me as we reached the castle doors.
"Yeah." I whispered, fighting tears.
Holding my hand, he open the doors.
Together, we stepped outside. I held his hand tighter as the autumn air hit my skin.
"You made your first step."
"We."
He smiled.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
We stood there, hands intertwined, looking at the autumn leaves fall.
Together...
Two autumn leaves fall
Dancing across the blue sky
Together they fly