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Voldemort sighed and cradled the phone against his shoulder, "It's just not fair, Vader. We do everything we can and they still win! I threw everything I had at that Potter boy and he just giggled and shrugged it off."
Another voice chimed in with a whine, "Oh don't even act like you have it the worst. I got my ass kicked by two gay hobbits and a deformed frog looking thing."
"Oh please, I got my beaten by my own son and a couple ghosts." Vader relaxed back in his chair and rested his feet up on the Storm Trooper kneeled in front of him. "Gentlemen, we need to do something about this. These children have gotten away with far too much."
"Well what do you expect us to do," Voldemort asked plaintively.
"I'm not in the mood to get my ass handed to me again," Sauron chimed in.
Vader thought for a moment, "I propose an alliance. We can call ourselves "the Wand, the Ring, and the Force". What do you think?"
"Brilliance! They won't see it coming. We can take them by surprise," chortled Sauron.
Voldemort laughed, "This is splendid! If we work as a team and pool our powers they won't stand a chance!"
"Excellent. We shall all meet tomorrow at the birthplace of evil. Crawford, Texas. I'm sure we borrow the ranch from Overlord Bush," said Vader.
"See you then," Sauron hung up the phone with a click. He shouted for his bags to be packed.
"Bye bye," Voldemort put his phone back on the hook and called for Wormtail.
Vader hung up and looked down at his part time footstool. "You, Trooper, what's your number?"
The Storm Trooper looked up, "Um…number 857, sir but my real name is –"
"You'll be coming with me," Vader got up and strode out of the room. 857 let out a whimper and got up and followed Vader out of the room.
As Vader began to lazily pack his things using the power of the force, he mused out loud about the newly formed alliance to Storm Trooper number 857.
"Of course, I will be the most powerful of the three, but we won't tell them that, will we 857?"
The Storm Trooper quickly shook his head. "You are the most powerful being in this galaxy, Lord Vader!" he said in a somewhat strangled voice.
"That's just the problem," said Darth Vader. "The other ones aren't from this galaxy! We're in a galaxy far, far away you idiot!" Vader sighed and regarded the Storm Trooper for a minute. "857…Can you keep a secret?"
The Storm Trooper, stunned by Darth Vader's recent outburst, dumbly nodded his head.
Darth Vader wrung his hands, and said, "Well… I mean… I'm afraid that Voldemort and Sauron won't like me!" He stopped, waiting for what he hoped would be an uplifting response from the Storm Trooper.
857, unable to think of a better response, only asked, "Why not?"
As disappointed as Darth Vader was in the idiotic Storm Trooper's groveling abilities, he continued, "Well, to start, I'm afraid they won't like the way I dress. I mean, I've seen Voldemort out in Armani suits! And what have I got? A clunky black thing that isn't even very versatile and makes me breathe funny."
The Storm Trooper interrupted, saying, "I think your black suit thing is very fashionable sir! Trés you."
"Yes, well, you don't know anything, and I know everything, so stop talking 857." 857 nodded and Vader continued his rant. "And they both have this weirdo thing about being alone in the world, not caring about others, not having a family! What if they don't like me because I love my children!"
Vader pulled out an ostentatiously large golden locket out from under the front of his armor, and opened it. He fondly stroked the rim of it before continuing. "Ah, Luke and Leia. When will my love for you be out in the open, my children? Daddy loves you both." Darth Vader put the locket away, and becoming aware of the Storm Trooper staring at him, said "We just won't tell them about that, will we?" in a much harsher voice.
The Storm Trooper shook his head again, and Vader, seeming to believe him, went on with the third reason for his insecurity. "I also think they'll treat me badly because I'm only a human! Under this armor, I'm still pretty vulnerable, and Voldemort is like a wizard-snake thing now, and Sauron is… Well, what is Sauron? An elf maybe? Or some really crazy Orc? Does anyone know?"
"I don't think so Lord Vader. I guess we'll find out at the ranch."
Darth Vader continued to muse about Sauron. "He's that eye, right? That really creepy fire eye? Is there more to him?" Giving up on this train of thought, Vader looked at his luggage to make sure he had everything. As he could only fit one black suit of armor in the bag, he figured he was done.
"857, how is our new Death Star coming?" Vader hoped to use the new and improved Death Star to travel to Earth, to impress the other two villains. "It should be done by tomorrow, right?"
The Storm Trooper became nervous and fidgeted. He cleared his throat a few times before continuing. "Well sir, I, um, I actually meant to tell you this earlier. The, um, theDeathStarwasdestroyedwhileyouwereonthephone."
Darth Vader paused. "Destroyed by who? How could you let this happen?!"
857 gulped and said, "Well, sir, you were using me as a foot rest at the time."
Vader, who was about to Force choke the incompetent Trooper, stopped, remembering. "I was, wasn't I? Well, who broke my Death Star? I will destroy the unfortunate Jedi who came near it!"
"It was Princess Leia, my lord."
All at once, Vader had tears of pride in his eyes. "Leia? My Leia? She killed my indestructible Death Star?" His words became thick as his tears came faster. "I'm s-so proud of my baby! She's as good as her daddy!" Darth Vader sobbed loudly.
The Storm Trooper squirmed, unsure of what to do, until Vader suddenly regained control. "Since my wonderful and talented daughter has destroyed the Death Star, we'll just take some other flashy ship. You get to choose one 857. Surprise me."
857 felt as though he could cry.
Sauron sighed. There would be no way for him to make it to Texas; he was after all, a giant flaming eye. He called for his most trusted minion, Saruman. Saruman strode into the room and waited in front of his master. "Saruman, I have a task for you."
Saruman bowed his head respectfully, "Yes, lord?"
"You will journey to Crawford, Texas and meet with Lord Voldemort and Lord Vader. We're joining forces to take over the world. Seeing as how I am the most powerful of the three, you shall be the one bringing all of the true power to the meeting. Pick an Orc to go with you. Grishnak should be acceptable."
Saruman nodded, "Yes, Lord. I shall go right away." Saruman turned and left the room. As soon as he had shut the door behind himself he did a little hop-skip and twirled about. Finally, he thought, a chance to crush that hobbit once and for all! Saruman hustled off to pack, calling for somebody to go find Grishnak. Half way to his room he stopped, a horrible thought on his mind.
What if they did not understand? What if they did not accept him for who he was inside? What if one of them tried to borrow one of his dresses?
Saruman made a silent vow to himself, only take the dresses he didn't mind sharing. Yes…that would do nicely.
Grishnak watched Saruman pack, "Sir, do you really need to take the…ahem, lady's underclothes?"
Saruman swirled to face him, "I like the support they give! Nothing more!"
Grishnak held his hands up, "I wasn't sayin' anythin', Lord. Was just wonderin'."
"Hmpf, well keep your "wondering" to yourself in the future," Saruman turned and resumed his packing.
Grishnak hung his head and silently prayed that an Elvin arrow would find him before he had crossed the border out of Middle Earth.
Lord Voldemort stood in front of his gilded full length mirror, modeled after the mirror of Erised, and admired his clothing choice. "I really think these Armani suits are quite spiffy, don't you Wormtail? I think they tell people, 'yes, he is evil, but he has class and good taste.'"
Wormtail looked up from packing Voldemort's things and nodded. "The classiest, my Lord."
"And I think they also say power. As I will be the most powerful of our alliance, I think this is a very good thing." Wormtail coughed loudly, and Voldemort turned from the mirror. "Yesss? What is it?"
"Shall I pack these for you, my Lord?" Wormtail held up a very meticulously shined pair of tap shoes. "And these as well?" He gestured to the ballet flats on the floor.
Voldemort, displeased that Wormtail had mentioned the unmentionable thing, answered, "Yes Wormtail, and never speak of it again, or you will lose both of your hands this time."
Lord Voldemort watched Wormtail pack his robes and suits with disinterest for a few minutes, before saying, "You realize Wormtail, as distasteful as it is to me, you will accompany me to Texas. Do not attempt to run away." Wormtail whimpered a bit, and Voldemort rolled his eyes.
Voldemort turned away from Wormtail, hearing Nagini from the shadows. "Don't you think you should take me, my Lord? I will be a much better companion then that imbecile."
In Parseltoungue, Voldemort answered, "You may come as well, my dear. I do need a boa for my Britney dance routine." Seeing that Wormtail had finished packing and shut the trunk, Voldemort marched out to the brooms. He went over to his broom, a Firebolt which had 30 "Republicans for Voldemort" stickers on it and got onto it.
Turning to Wormtail, he asked, "Do you think Overlord Bush will approve of my campaign?"
Wormtail answered, "Of course, my lord! You stand for everything he and his party believes in. You will have his full support." Wormtail strapped Voldemort's trunk onto his Cleensweep Five, jealously eyeing Voldemort's Firebolt.
"My Lord?" ventured Wormtail.
"Yes? Are you ready?" asked Voldemort impatiently.
"Why don't we just apparate into Texas?"
"The only way to campaign, you idiot, is to spread the word. I need for everyone to know that the Republicans stand behind me! Throw these stickers down as we fly." He handed a large pack of "Republicans for Voldemort" stickers to Wormtail. "I'm so pleased that they seemed to have picked me as their next candidate. I don't know who came up with this idea, but it must have been a genius!"
Voldemort and Wormtail kicked off the ground and flew into the night, a trail of "Republicans for Voldemort" stickers swirling down in their wake.
A/N:
Kady: Well I hope you guys liked it. We're having fun with it so far. Next chapter: The Good Guys!
Mona: I hope you liked it too! YAY messing with fictional characters is fun!