As soon as I watched the ending of Pandora, this scene flew into my mind, practically written and waiting to be put on paper. It was just entranced when I saw the Canadian promo for Linchpin, something in the way Kate's tilting her head and saying "Castle" ... So, naturally I had to do a one shot on it, with a bit of a twist on what actually happens. :D Enjoy! (And followers of 'Fix You', don't worry, the next chapter of that should be arriving some time tomorrow if I can manage it. This is just a little break.)
Note ; I couldn't sleep the other night and wrote this at about 3am. So please, don't judge too much. xD
The car pitches forward in a sickening rolling motion, a theme park ride gone wrong, her stomach flying up into her throat as she stamps on the pedals. It does no use - there's no way back now. Ahead of her the Hudson is an endless, dirty world waiting to claim her in its depths.
"BECKETT-"
"Hold on Castle!"
Through the windows, the dock flashes by, tips, and finally disappears. The impact created as they smash into the water feels crushing, squeezing the air from her lungs, the entire vehicle making a heavy groan. Everything whirls and then suddenly the surface closes above them and all is completely, eerily silent.
Steadied by the flow of the water's body, the car settles. Its weight tugs and slowly, so very steadily, it makes its way to the dark depths that are waiting to give it a home. Her heart thunders, skipping beats on itself, but she doesn't have time for that now. A sudden spitting noise catches her attention and she whirls away from the window, peering at her feet. The water is gushing through, already chilling her ankles, sending cold spikes through her skin. They have to get out, fast, now.
"Castle?" She turns, eyes wide, trying to take control before her fear takes over. "Castle, I need you to listen to-" Her breath dies in her throat.
His head is twisted at an odd angle, his shoulders slumped, the light gradually fading from his eyes as he slips into darkness. The impact...he must have hit his head...
No. No, she isn't letting this happen. No.
"Castle. Castle stay awake." Lurching over the gap between the seats she finds herself cradling his head in one hand, the other clutching at his shoulder in a death grip, as if she grabs him hard enough he'll jolt back into consciousness. "CASTLE. Come on, you have to stay with me. Wake up!" Her control fails and her voice breaks, eyes stinging.
This is the wrong time to cry, Kate. He needs you, and you're just sitting here. Think of something!
Her chest is heaving, the first of the tears is flowing down her cheek, and her breaths are coming out in short high pitched gasps. She needs to calm down, concentrate. Swallowing her fear, Beckett dashes through her mind, searching for the protocol to follow in this situation. The door won't open, the pressure of the water is too strong. The windows. She has to let water in, release the pressure, then escape out the gap, swim to the surface.
Castle won't be able to swim.
Realization hits her like a rock to the head, and she sways, fingers tightening on his cheek, a few strands of his hair flopping over to touch her knuckles. She hates the feel of his limp head so heavy in her hand, makes her drift into nightmares where his heart isn't thumping and his skin loses all its warmth..
She isn't losing him. They survived the freezer, they survived gun shots, and they survived a freaking tiger. It's her turn to save him.
Fingers fumbling she tries to undo his seatbelt, cursing herself when she wastes precious time fiddling with it. Eventually it clicks free and she shoves it aside, tries to take his weight. It makes her stomach twist in pain, barely even lifts him from the seat, and another tear slips free. Why couldn't she be strong enough to carry him? Why did he have to knock his head? Why couldn't they have stopped the car in time? She can't let it end like this. She just can't. Desperately she tries again, this time tugging him over so he's in her arms, but still a dead weight, head flopping heftily into her chest. If she lets water in he'll become even heavier, impossible to move.
Kate Beckett is utterly helpless.
She could open the window right now, swim out, try to save herself. She could go on with life without her joke-cracking, loving, selfless shadow.
But she can't. Because Richard Castle is her life. She can't even comprehend just going on, solving cases, without the warmth of his eyes by her desk, that coffee that is his way of saying good morning, and the underlying message in his words - a promise of something more. It has just taken her four years to realize it.
She can just picture him now, aghast at her decision. He would have his mouth in a tight line, eyes a blazing storm of blue, demanding that she escaped then and there, leaving him in the knowledge that his love was alive, that he'd saved her one last time. But she'd rather die with him in her arms than escape and never hold him again. The realization takes her breath away.
His love. The words come rolling off her tongue before she even puts a thought to it, rasping, barely even a whisper. "Castle, I love you. I love you." She startles as she realized she just unwittingly used nearly the exact words he told her, in that cemetery where the world swooped around her and all she could see were his blue eyes desperately seeking hers. The only exception is his name; somehow Castle feels right, her name for him, warm and familiar.
Everything is clear to her now, how he must have felt. The desperation she feels coursing through her, the fierce need that the last thing he hears has to be that she loves him, that she'll always love him. How hasn't she realized this before? Her chest aches as she tries to imagine now spending three empty months where he ignores her, shutting her out his life as if she'd never been there. Mixed in amongst the whirl wind of emotions is a wash of shame. She doesn't deserve the patience of the man sitting beside her. Despite everything she's done to him, he came back. He came back to her even when he knew that he might never get anything in return.
He loves her.
She loves him.
Their wasted moments come in waves as her emotions take over, the gushing water now lapping at her knees completely forgotten. What if, if only. Images of them walking down the aisle for real, not just as partners at a friend's wedding. Decorating the Christmas tree together. Their books lining the same shelves. Waking up every morning in his arms. A tiny hand in both of theirs, walking in between, joining them together forever..
All gone because of her, her wall, her hesitation and her utter selfishness. In this moment she has nothing left but hatred for what she's done and overwhelming love for the man now unconscious in her arms, completely oblivious to her epiphany.
"I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you." She murmurs into his hair until the words blur together, just a mumbled declaration that only he would understand, yet will never hear.
He wakes in a warm haze, drunk with sleep, mind not quite functioning properly. No, he doesn't want to wake. Desperately he tries to drag himself back into his dream. The suspended moment where he can smell Kate all around him, feel her hands on his face, hear her saying those three words over, and over, and over..
"Castle?"
His eyes snap open, because that's the real Kate, and no matter how wonderful his dream is, he can't resist that. She's barely a few inches from his face, peering at him, damp hair tumbling over her shoulders in a collection of crazy waves. It looks like its just been towel dried. He fights the urge to lean forward, claim her lips with his, brush his hands through her long dark curls..
"You all right?"
She has relief plain on her face, mouth tipping up in one of those spectacular grins that takes his breath away. His dream comes flooding back again, and he tries to claw it into reality, to hear her voice softly whispering into his ear. He's so busy with this he doesn't notice the Kate in front of him knitting her brows together, leaning even closer, until her nose is close enough to bump his.
His breath catches in his throat, eyes widening. Is she-
"Castle." Why does she have to look so adorable when she's concerned? "What's wrong?"
It slips out before he can help himself ; he's too distracted by her eyelashes, the soft brown of her eyes, the quirk of her mouth. "I had a dream where you said...well we were about to drown, and you said.." He shakes his head. It's not the time, not the place, to start telling her about one of his fantasies. It never is of course, but most definitely not straight after they've had another brush with death. "Just a dream. It doesn't matter. What...what happened?" His eyes start taking in the dock around him, placing bits of story together. Uniforms are everywhere, peering over the side, searching the ground. A towel has been wrapped around his shoulders, and he slowly registers that he's soaking wet. His back is pressed up against the wall of a building, and Kate is crouched down in front of him, her hair leaving little dripping trails down her neck.
Just a dream. Just a dream, Rick.
He thinks it's a dream.
Kate can barely stop herself from grinding the heels of her hands into her eyes, curling up. She finally had managed to say it, broke through the wall, even if she had thought it was going to be the last words she'd ever said. Now the spur has gone, and all she feels is an empty aching. He thinks it's a dream. He remembers, and thinks it was a dream.
It could be so simple. She could tell him it wasn't, do it for real rather than take the coward's way out and whisper it in his ear certain he would never hear.
But she can't. Already she can feel the wall between them building itself back up, brick by brick, sealing the cracks she has just managed to make. She wants to run away, curl up on her sofa, anything but have his blue eyes piercing into her and reminding her of everything she has just lost.
They're alive, they're together. But because she is Kate, and he is Rick, they'll continue on like nothing ever happened. At this rate, nothing ever will.