Disclaimer: I do not Harry Potter or (sadly) a wand.
I'm the boss...
"Somewhere over the rainbow!"
Yes, I am singing. Yes, I am out of tune. Yes, I have a fear of socks. And YES, I am hiding in a dungeon at the bottom of Hogwarts, because I know Dumbledore's secret plan to molest us all, and it's really creepy, and something smells, and... EWWWW! IS THAT A SOCK!
Scrambling on all fours I crawled out of the cupboard to discover I was not in the dungeon at all, but I was in the Hogwarts kitchen and Winky was drunk... again...
I started to run for the door but spotted the biggest fucking cake on the planet. True, there was this creepy old lady standing beside it, and she kind of reminded me of the witch from Hansel and Gretel but... meh.
It took me three years to eat that cake and in that time the old creepy lady died of a jubjub overdose. At the centre of the cake I found Scott, who was munching on a house elf shin. He grumbled mean words and dove back into the thick blue icing.
I left and went to the great hall were Dobby was refereeing a cock fight, that was going on in Hermione Granger's afro. She didn't seem to notice even though her light urple hair was swaying from side to side. Ron was sitting perfectly sill while Harry tried to shave off his freckles with a dull butter spoon.
Obviously this was the perfect opportunity to hold the first and last Hogwarts Idol!
I jumped onto the nearest table and screamed, "Can't get your kids to leave the house? Stop cooking with cheese!"
Immediately everyone lined up to try out. After 3.62 second tryouts I was able to narrow it down to the top 5 acts. I dragged a kicking and screaming Firenze into the great hall so he could judge with me and Luna Lovegood followed because she wanted the gum that was stuck to his tail.
I sat on the toilet conveniently placed right beside Donut Mountain and yelled, "First up, ROONIL WAZLIB!"
Ron shuffled onto stage wearing a purple latex pantsuit with blue eye shadow.
"I will be singing Underappreciated by Christina Aguilera!"
I remember when it all first began
We were tight right from the start
It wasn't long before you came on strong
Trying hard to win my heart (trying to win it)
I played hard to get but I couldn't help
I gave up my ironing
You were thoughtful
Careful not to hurt the relationship
What happened to those days when
You used to be compassionate
Caring what I thought and said
So attentive gentleman
Now it's hard to turn your head away from the TV set
Taking me for granted lately
Frankly, it's gotta quit
I feel underappreciated
Now girls help me out
'Cause you know what I'm talking about I say
I'm feeling Underappreciated
For all the time and effort I have put in this commitment
Back to the beginning, to the very beginning
When our love was something new
Back when romance was important
Not just another thing to do
I was feeling high on love tonight
Thought I never come back down
Now it seems that you and me
Have lost our solid ground
Half the time I realize
I seem to give more than I get
Funny how things seem to change
After a few years commitment
Used to talk for hours on end
'Bout our dreams while we lay in bed
How I missed those days when you stayed awake
Now you roll over and snore instead
I feel underappreciated
Now girls help me out
'Cause you know what I'm talking about, I say
I'm feeling underappreciated
For all the time and effort I have put in this commitment
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I miss those nice massages
The long for closeness
The way you talk
How it turned me on
The thoughtfulness and the sweetest lips
I needed those days back
I feel underappreciated
Now girls help me out
'Cause you know what I'm talking about I say
I'm feeling underappreciated
For all the time and effort I have put in this commitment
"Amazing Performance!" said Ben Mulroney, who popped up out of a bowl of chicken soup. "Any comments from the Judges? Firenze?"
Firenze started crying, "I want my mommy!"
I smacked him and said, "Roonil is disqualified!"
A look of glee crossed Ben's face. "Why?"
"Because that outfit and that eye shadow totally don't go. NEXT!"
Harry Potter and Severus Snape glided across the floor on these little flying carpets that they got at the dollar store. And as we all know, you can find anything at the dollar store. Where do you think I get my crack from?
Snape spoke up, "We will be singing At the Beginning from the movie Anastasia."
Harry and Snape started singing as slash fans everywhere got nosebleeds from happiness.
We were strangers
Starting out on a journey
Never dreaming
What we'd have to go through
Now here we are
And I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you
No one told me
I was going to find you
Unexpected
What you did to my heart
When I lost hope
You were there to remind me
This is the start
Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you
We were strangers
On a crazy adventure
Never dreaming
How our dreams would come true
Now here we stand
Unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you
Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you
I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart
Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you
Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep going on...
Starting out on a journey
Life is a road and I wanna going
Love is river I wanna keep flowing
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you.
Ben was too busy snapping pictures for his private collection so we, the judges, started without him.
"That was a disgrace to Anastasia, get out of my castle!"
At this point Firenze was on the floor, screaming into a gas mask as Luna chewed on his tail.
"NEXT!"
Hermione Granger walked in front of us, her hair still swaying.
"I will be singing Don't Stop Me Now by Queen."
Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive and the world it's turning inside out Yeah!
I'm floating around in ecstasy
So don't stop me now don't stop me
'Cause I'm having a good time having a good time
I'm a shooting star leaping through the skies
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go go go
There's no stopping me
I'm burning through the skies Yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man of you
Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time)
I don't want to stop at all
I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite I'm out of control
I am a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to
Oh oh oh oh oh explode
I'm burning through the skies Yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman out of you
Don't stop me don't stop me don't stop me
Hey hey hey!
Don't stop me don't stop me
Ooh ooh ooh (I like it)
Don't stop me have a good time good time
Don't stop me don't stop me
Ooh ooh Alright
I'm burning through the skies Yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman of you
Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time)
I don't wanna stop at all
La la la la laaaa
La la la la
La la laa laa laa laaa
La la laa la la la la la laaa hey!!...
Hermione bowed and the cock fight in her hair stopped as they fell out and proceeded to peck Dean and Seamus who were sitting on the sidelines.
"Well... that was... certainly... interesting."
I grabbed a passing student by the arm and whispered, "Call 911. Tell them we have a sex maniac, possible rapist on our hands who smells and probably tastes just like chicken!"
Hermione skipped out as I yelled, "NEXT!"
Someone in a pink cloak with a hood stepped up. They threw back their hood to reveal... oh no...
I burst into tears, "It's DUMBLEDORE!"
All the students immediately started singing Christmas carols as I beat Dumbledore with a Teddy Bear that had a spiked collar.
"NEXT!" I yelled as the teachers dragged his carcass away.
Dobby shuffled on stage, his pillow case looking especially clean today.
"Imgnnbesngingamomntlkethis…"
"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."
Dobby sighed then coughed up a hair ball, "Now can you hear me?"
"Yes…" We were all staring at the hair ball that was starting to twitch.
"I will be singing A Moment Like This."
ooh oooh
Ooh
What if I told you it was all meant to be (eeee)
Would you believe me, would you agree
It's almost that feeling that we've met before
So tell me that you don't think I'm crazy
When I tell you love has come here and now
A moment like this
Some people wait a lifetime
For a moment like this
Some people search forever
For that one special kiss.
Ohh, I can't believe it's happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime
For a moment like this
Everything changes, but beauty remains
Something so tender I can't explain
Well I may be dreaming but till I awake
Can we make this dream last forever
And I'll cherish all the love that we share
A moment like this
Some people wait a lifetime
For a moment like this
Some people search forever
For that one special kiss
Ohh!
I can't believe it's happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime
For a moment like this
could this be the greatest love of all
I wanna know that you will catch me when I fall
So let me tell you this
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment... like this!
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this
Some people search forever for that one special kiss
Ohh, I can't believe it's happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this
A moment like this!
For that one special kiss
Oooohhhh I can't believe it's happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this
A moment like this
A single tear slipped down my face as the whole school watched Dobby who had somehow managed to find his way onto Harry's lap during the duration of the song.
"That was… beautiful." The comment didn't come from me. No, it came from Firenze who had stopped screaming and was grinning like an idiot. Maybe it had something to do with all the needles lying around but who am I to judge?
"And the winner is, DOBBY!" I stepped up to give him his prize. "Here is your very own, Harry Potter." I was dragging Harry by the hair.
"You can't give me as a prize! I have rights!"
I snorted, "Not here you don't. Not when I'm the boss."
I gave Harry to Dobby and I also gave him a complimentary gag to shut Harry up.
"Well folks, that's it. NOW GET OFF MY PROPERTY!"
Everyone scrammed. I got out my cell phone that I had stolen from Dobby when he wasn't looking and called a number.
"Hey Voldy, feel like taking over the world with me?"
A/N: This is what happens when I want to get rid of my writer's block. I tend to write stuff that makes absolutley no sense.