M3n747 publishing presents:
*** The somewhat ultimate victory ***
[The football pitch in the Tokio-3 stadium. The stands are filled with spectators, the pitch is surrounded by lots of cameras and a couple of sports commentators occupy their usual spot. A typically football atmosphere permeates the place: the stands hum with thousands of voices, the spectators chant the names of their favourite teams or players, the air is thick with excitement for the upcoming game.]
COMMENTATOR 1
Welcome to the Tokio-3 sports stadium! We have a beautiful sunny day with clear skies and a light refreshing breeze – simply put, ideal weather conditions for an event such as today's!
COMMENTATOR 2
Right, like my associate just said, today's game is exceptional! Today two fierce enemies will clash on our grass – NERV HQ and FC ANGELS!
COMMENTATOR 1
Precisely, like my associate just said, the NERV HQ and FC ANGELS teams decided to settle their immemorial dispute on solid grass, in a fratricidal fight of sweat, blood and ball! The winner can only be one, and the best ones will receive the Cup of Maurice Impact III!
COMMENTATOR 2
Precisely, but like my associate just noted, the teams are coming onto the pitch!
[The crowd cheers, drowning the commentator's voice, but he doesn't even notice. The players of both teams move onto the pitch.]
COMMENTATOR 1
Ladies and gentlemen, here they are! NERV HQ wearing black and violet, FC ANGELS wearing red and yellow!
COMMENTATOR 2
Precisely, like my associate just said, the players of both teams can be told apart by the colours of their shirts, and even kits!
COMMENTATOR 1
And heeeeere they are! The players prepare for the game and warm up by energetically flailing their arms and other members around! But perhaps we should introduce them!
COMMENTATOR 2
Right, I was about to suggest that! The NERV HQ team consists of: strikers – Shinji Ikari and Souryuu Asuka Langley! Midfielders: Rei Ayanami, Misato Katsuragi, Kaji Ryouji and Touji Suzuhara! Defenders: Ritsuko Akagi, Maya Ibuki, Aoba Shigeru and Hyuuga Makoto! And the goalkeeper is Kaworu Nagisa!
COMMENTATOR 1
The FC ANGELS team is made up of: strikers – Sachiel, Zeruel, Israfel! Midfielders: Matriel, Gaghiel, Shamshel, Leriel, Almisael! Defenders: EVA-05 and EVA-13! The goal is kept by EVA-09! The referee for this match is Keel Lorenz!
COMMENTATOR 2
Well, we're chit-chatting here, but in the meantime the players are lining to face each other and to shake their proverbial hands, or whatever it is that they have there!
[The players of both teams stand in rows opposite one another and shake hands in a fair-play gesture, while crossing their fingers behind their backs. The referee flips a coin, deciding the placement of the teams on the pitch. The players of the FC ANGELS team present a rather intriguing sight, as they are wearing custom-adapted kits – especially Matriel, who plays without a shirt, but has shorts with an appropriate number of legs (and a number 4 on the rump) and a matching amount of sports shoes; Shamshel, who wears his football boots on the ends of his luminescent tentacles; and Almisael, who looks like a length of wire bent in half making an upside-down letter V, dressed in shorts and wearing boots at both ends. The FC ANGELS players were shrunk to a more civilised size with the help of the latest invention by Professor T. Alent. 1)]
[The players take their places on the pitch. NERV HQ plays in the 4-4-2 formation, while FC ANGELS plays in 1-1-5-3, which looks totally like Systema Spephiroticum.]
COMMENTATOR 1
Ladies and gentlemen, the referee gives the signal to begin the match! We are in for fascinating ninety minutes of people running up and down the pitch!
[Precisely, like the commentator just said, the referee signals the beginning of the match. The game begins with NERV HQ attacking. Shinji, wearing number 10, passes the ball to Asuka, number 11, and they both move towards the opponents' goal. The FC ANGELS players, naturally, try not to let them near their penalty area – as it is usually the case when playing football. And since nothing particularly interesting ever happens during the first 15-20 minutes of the game anyway, we'll watch a commercial instead.]
*** COMMERCIAL ***
["We Are the Champions" plays in the background.]
MOSTLY_UNKNOWN_ACTOR (tossing a NERV (TM) football up and down in his right hand, his left thumb stuck under his shorts)
No real football match can take place without a real pitch and no pitch can be built without enough good quality ground. Now you can cheaply buy a plot of quality land thanks to NERV Agro-Industrial! Our offer includes land in attractive, not overcrowded regions recovered from Angel attacks. Discounts up to 50% for lands rehabilitated after the use of N^2 weapons! NERV Agro-Industrial – we're grounded in land!
*** END OF COMMERCIAL*
[The situation on the pitch is pretty much still the same, but at least the participants play with a little more enthusiasm than before.]
COMMENTATOR 1
Kaji Ryouji, number 8, slide tackles the ball from under Sachiel's legs and passes to Asuka!
[Asuka catches the ball with her left leg, then evades Gaghiel, number 5, with a fluid feint and storms the penalty area.]
COMMENTATOR 2
Beautiful feint by Asuka! And the way she shakes that butt, I wish you could all see that...
COMMENTATOR 1 (quietly)
Now, really...!
COMMENTATOR 2
Oh, pardon me. Asuka with the ball in the penalty area of FC ANGELS, I think she'll shoot! Man, those legs...
COMMENTATOR 1
Seriously!
COMMENTATOR 2
Err, sorry. Asuka advances, passes the defence, shoots, and...
[Asuka advances, passes the defence and shoots. The ball, accompanied by a truly Matrix-like time slowdown effect, misses EVA-09's desperate attempt at a save by a few centimetres and flies into the goal.]
COMMENTATOR 2
...GOOOOOAL! Ladies and gentlemen, the score is 1-0 for NERV HQ! The first goal, in the twenty-third minute, was scored by the sexy Souryuu Asuka Langley, wearing number 11!
ASUKA (smiling triumphantly)
Erste!
[The spectators cheer or boo, depending on who supports whom. The fact of the massive throat abuse is promptly taken advantage of by sellers of soft drinks – deliberately too sweet, of course, to conveniently intensify thirst.]
[The players return to their initial positions on the pitch, FC ANGELS have the ball. Suddenly, before the referee can blow the whistle, Gaghiel, number 5, goes into a seizure and starts thrashing convulsively on the turf.]
COMMENTATOR 1
Ladies and gentlemen, something is happening to Gaghiel! He looks as if he was drowning!
COMMENTATOR 2
Rather quite the opposite – I think he just remembered he's an aquatic creature and can't live on the land! Goes to show how important concentration is – up until now, Gaghiel has played quite well!
[The medical team throws Gaghiel into a bathtub full of water and carries him off the pitch. In his place comes EVA-08.]
COMMENTATOR 1
EVA-08, wearing number 14, walks onto the pitch to substitute the injured Gaghiel. The referee signals to resume the game. FC ANGELS move to attack!
[The FC ANGELS playmakers run towards the NERV HQ goal – Zeruel with the ball in the middle, Sachiel and Israfel on his left and right wing, ready to receive a pass at any moment.]
SHINJI (seeing Zeruel running straight towards him with a forbidding face)
I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away... UWAAA!
[Shinji runs away, leaving the matter of Zeruel to the defenders. As a result of the efficient combined play of the three strikers, the ball makes in to the vicinity of the goal.]
COMMENTATOR 2
Ladies and gentlemen, the NERV HQ goal is in danger! If the defence doesn't stop Zeruel, he can even out the score!
[Zeruel makes a powerful shot on goal, aiming between the defenders. The ball flies straight towards Kaworu.]
COMMENTATOR 1
Yikes! Now everything depends on the goalkeeper!
[Kaworu spreads the AT Field, thus reflecting the mighty attack of Zeruel, number 10. The ball ricochets off Aoba and leaves the pitch. FC ANGELS restart the game with a corner kick. EVA-08 hits the ball, sending it to Shamshel, but Touji jumps in front of him and volleys the ball towards the centre spot. Everyone rushes after it, running around for some time without much sense or result.]
[Meanwhile, Kaworu is approached by a massive shiny cyborg, holding a photo of the NERV HQ goalkeeper in his cyberhand.]
CYBORG (in a slow and somewhat mechanical voice, handing Kaworu the photo and a marker)
Same red eyes. We are alike.
KAWORU (under his breath, signing the photo – with an obligatory smile on his face, of course)
To my greatest fan – Kaworu Nagisa, goalkeeper for NERV HQ.
CYBORG (taking back the photo and the marker)
I'll be back.
[The cyborg turns on its cyberheel and walks away.]
[In the meantime, the middle of the pitch is in quite a turmoil – everyone tries to get the ball, as if it was at least the Holy Grail. Matriel intercepts the ball, attacking Shinji with one leg from the left, one from the right and one in the middle, but loses it after a daring slide by Misato, who in turn is quickly deprived of it by Shamshel – who loses it a while later for Kaji, who passes to Touji. The ball in intercepted by Sachiel, but he's forced by Asuka dashing right at him to pass it further to Leriel. Rei takes advantage of the situation and charges at said player with a loud "Banzai!" Unfortunately, due to a certain optical similarity being in effect, she hits Leriel instead of the ball, and lobbies him into space.]
COMMENTATOR 1
Ladies and gentlemen, what a commotion on the pitch, it's like in Saigon! Worse than Vietnam, to which I've never been! Ayanami, number 6, has just kicked Leriel, number 7, into the geometric orbit, which is where the Moon is!
[Suddenly a muffled "THUD!" is heard from a large distance. A few moments later, Sahquiel and Arael hit the ground with a dull splat.]
[The referee shows Rei a yellow card.]
COMMENTATOR 2
Ladies and gentlemen, Rei Ayanami has just received the yellow card! Lucky for her, the referee can't really tell different colours apart due to those funky goggles of his, or she'd get the red one!
COMMENTATOR 1
That's right, but in the meantime Leriel, outed towards the final frontier, where no man has gone before, is substituted by Lillim, wearing number 12!
[A burly tanned man jogs onto the pitch. Upon a closer inspection he turns out to be Raúl Gonzalez – but nobody recognizes him anyway, because he's sporting different colours than usual.]
[Free kick for FC ANGELS. The newcomer Lillim restarts the game, sending the ball towards Zeruel.]
LILLIM (passing the ball)
¡Agarra, amigo!
[Zeruel, taken aback by the incomprehensible phrase, doesn't notice the ball which bounces off his skull and leaves the pitch again.]
LILLIM (under his breath)
¡Estúpido!
[Naturally, in accordance with clear, simple and completely obvious rules of football, sometimes also known as soccer, the game is restarted by NERV HQ. With a strong kick, Touji sends the ball towards Kaji, but the pass is intercepted by Israfel, who jumps into the air and bicycle kicks the ball like captain Tsubasa himself.]
COMMENTATOR 2
A beautiful move by Israfel! Neat bicycle kick and a shot on goal! Will he score?
[The ball, following a ballistic curve, heads for the lower-bottom corner of the goal defended by Kaworu. With a small sigh and the obligatory smile, he once again spreads the AT Field over the spot at risk. Suddenly the ball turns mid-air and shoots into the top-right corner of the goal, where the AT Field didn't reach.]
COMMENTATOR 1
GOOOOOAL! Ladies and gentlemen, what a beautiful action by Zeruel, number 11! A bicycle kick and a bent ball! FC ANGELS even the score just before the end of the first half!
[The usual enthusiasm fills the stands, which is typical of moments like this one. The referee signals the end of the first half and the teams leave the pitch to get some well-deserved rest.]
COMMENTATOR 2
Now we'll have a break, which I think everyone has earned! The teams are leaving for their locker rooms to change into fresh shirts, catch their breath and discuss the strategy for the second half of the game! Of course, both teams will be discussing separately, not to mention changing clothes!
COMMENTATOR 1
Precisely, you are absolutely right! In the meantime, while we wait for the second half, let's watch the show about to take place on the turf!
[An artistic performance by the local troupe of fundamentalist mimes unfolds on the pitch. The motto for the show is "Human Complementation Project – Hope For Paradise" - or HIP-HOP for short.]
[Meanwhile, in the NERV HQ locker room. The players, sprawled on benches in a manner becoming professional sportsmen, wring out their shirts, put their feet into buckets of water (causing thick clouds of vapour to instantly shoot out of them) and generally recuperate. Before the entire company stand Gendou, the coach, and Fuyutsuki, the deputy coach.]
GENDOU (enthusiastically, adjusting his sports tracksuit)
Great going, team, keep it up! You have them well in hand!
FUYUTSUKI (pulling clean shirts out of a sports bag and handing them to the players)
Right, you're doing great! Keep pressing forward and you'll plough through them like land through a fertile farmer!
[Everybody merrily changes into fresh clothes. The female part of the team, apparently due to excitements of the game, completely forgets to at least modestly turn towards the wall, which of course doesn't escape the attention of the male part of the team. For a few flickers of the cardiac muscle the eight pairs of male eyeballs gaze at the five pairs of female breasts – and the girls don't even notice. Done putting on the shirts they look at the guys, surprised at the sudden silence, only to find them immensely occupied admiring the texture of the ceiling, inspecting their fingernails or whistling their favourite tunes.]
GENDOU (wiping his glasses, suddenly very foggy for an unknown reason)
Sooo yeeeah, what was I... uh... up to?
MISATO (tucking her shirt into her shorts)
You were just raising our spirits, coach.
GENDOU (adjusting the suddenly strangely tight collar of his sports tracksuit)
Ah yes, I was... ekhm... raising...
FUYUTSUKI (wiping his unusually sweaty forehead with a handkerchief)
You'll walk out on that turf and you'll trample the opponents right into it, got it?
KAJI (lacing his football Adidos shoes)
Got it, deputy coach, sir!
FUYUTSUKI (putting the handkerchief back to his pocket)
I didn't hear you! Got it, team?
SHINJI, ASUKA, REI, TOUJI, KAJI, MISTAO, MAYA, RITSUKO, AOBA, MAKOTO and KAWORU (thunderously, enthusiastically and with a sports zeal worth a better cause)
GOT IT!
GENDOU
Then onto the pitch, march! Oh, and, Ritsuko...?
RITSUKO (turning around in the doorway)
Yes?
GENDOU (still fighting the stubborn collar)
Come to my office after the match. You'll help me... err... set a few things up, and maybe get your... ekhm... tongue around something.
[Ritsuko disappears in the doorway without a word, but with a knowing smile on her face.]
[At the same time, in the FC ANGELS locker room. The players, sprawled on benches, do what the NERV HQ players did. Before the entire company stands the tall figure of the coach, dressed in black, wearing a black mask covering the entire head and an equally black cape almost reaching the floor. On the coach's breast there is something like a control panel, full of buttons and colourful lights. In the background "The Imperial March" can be heard, apparently coming from nowhere.]
DARTH COACH
Khh... khhhhh... I have trained you well... but you are not the winners yet!
ZERUEL (pulling off his football Mike shoes)
No worries, Lord Coach. We'll squash them! We'll crush them like... like... like something that's easily crushed!
MATRIEL (due to insufficient amount of buckets, keeping his feet in a bathtub – not the one with Gaghiel in it)
We'll kick their butts!
DARTH COACH
Khh... Remember, you've already lost two players. I shall not tolerate any more failures! Khhhhh...
LILLIM
Señor entrenador, quiero preguntar…
[Darth Coach reaches out with his hand and clenches his fist. Lillim, standing some metre and a half away, starts to choke.]
LILLIM
¡Gkh… kghghgkhh… khhhh… ghkhghgkghgkh!
DARTH COACH
I want that cup, not excuses! Khhhhh!
[Darth Coach lowers his hand, Lillim regains his breath.]
LILLIM (under his breath)
¡Caramba!
DARTH COACH
You'll walk onto that pitch and turn them into sarlacc fodder, got it?
SACHIEL
Got it!
DARTH COACH
Khh?
SACHIEL, ZERUEL, ISRAFEL, MATRIEL, SHAMSHEL, ALMISAEL, EVA-05, EVA-08, EVA-09 and EVA-13 (thunderously, enthusiastically and with a sports zeal worth a better cause)
GOT IT!
LILLIM (ditto)
¡CLARO!
DARTH COACH
Khh! Then onto the pitch, march! Oh, and, Lillim…?
LILLIM (turning around in the doorway)
¿Qué?
DARTH COACH
Go learn some proper language. Khh...
[Lillim disappears in the doorway without a word, but with an expression of total incomprehension on his face.]
[Both teams run back onto the pitch, armed with new energy and ideas.]
COMMENTATOR 2
Ladies and gentlemen, the half-time is over! The players return to the pitch, ready to continue the game!
COMMENTATOR 1
Let's recap – it's a one-goal tie, meaning 1-1! The first goal of the match was scored by Souryuu Asuka Langley of NERV HQ in the twenty-third minute! The second goal was scored by Israfel of FC ANGELS in the forty-fifth minute, just before the end of the first half!
COMMENTATOR 2
FC ANGELS begin on the attack! The referee gives a signal and here they go!
[The three strikers move towards the NERV HQ goal, but are suddenly surrounded by said team's defence. Zeruel passes to Israfel, but due to objective facts the latter is forced to send the ball to Shamshel. Shamshel loses the ball to Asuka, who jumps over Lillim's slide and crosses to Shinji.]
COMMENTATOR 1
Ladies and gentlemen, talk about excitement! The ball keeps changing hands, or perhaps I should say: changing legs! So much is happening, I can't keep up commentating!
COMMENTATOR 2
Shinji, number 10, at the ball! He storms the opponents' goal, but is stopped by Almisael, number 8!
[Almisael falls onto the ground and, slithering like a snake, tries to stop Shinji. The NERV HQ striker tries to evade him by running to the right, but gets blocked. He tries a feint to the left – same result. He turns around hoping to pass, but Almisael's both ends follow him relentlessly. Shinji then jumps over the opponent, but he doesn't give up. For about half a minute both players are running around in one place, trampling all over the grass for which many gardeners would give a lot. Finally, Shinji leaves Almisael tied into a tight knot behind his back.]
COMMENTATOR 1
Almisael cannot move! Shinji's agile feints and dodges caused him to tie himself up!
COMMENTATOR 2
And they said this boy couldn't make ends meet! But now Shinji's running for the FC ANGELS' goal, he clearly wants to shoot! A fierce shot on goal, aaaaand...
[EVA-09 lunges after the ball and punches it out of the pitch.]
COMMENTATOR 2
...alas, he didn't make it! The goalkeeper resumes the game, but first the medical team carries Almisael out of the pitch – it looks like they're going to have quite a problem to untangle! Almisael is substituted by Ramiel, wearing number 13!
[EVA-09 restarts the game passing to Shamshel, who passes to Matriel. The whole company dashes for the NERV HQ goal, evading the defence with precise passes. Zeruel, blocked by Makoto and Maya, sends the ball back to Lillim, who's in a perfect position to shoot.]
COMMENTATOR 1
Wonderful teamwork of FC ANGELS! They easily reach the NERV HQ penalty area! Zeruel passes to Lillim, I think he'll shoot!
[Lillim makes a volley shot, sending the football right past Kaworu's ear, who was too busy smiling for camera (causing mass faints among his fangirls) and didn't notice the incoming ball.]
COMMENTATOR 2
GOOOOOAL! Lillim scores the second goal for FC ANGELS in the fifty-fifth minute of the match with a beautiful volley shot! The goalkeeper didn't stand a chance!
LILLIM (raising his hand in a victorious gesture)
¡Viva España!
[Hearing this, Antonio Banderas jumps out of his seat in the first row of the stands, holding a guitar in his hands.]
ANTONIO BANDERAS (enthusiastically singing while enthusiastically playing the guitar and enthusiastically stamping his foot for rhythm – enthusiastic)
¡Soy un hombre muy honrado,
que me gusta lo mejor
a mujeres no me faltan,
ni el dinero, ni el amor!
SPECTATOR (forcing Banderas back to his seat)
Wrong film, man!
ANTONIO BANDERAS (putting the guitar down – not very enthusiastically)
Oh, sorry.
[The players return to their initial spots on the pitch. Ramiel, in the meantime, flew somewhere to the side and started boring a hole in the turf with his drill – because that's pretty much all he can do anyway.]
COMMENTATOR 1
FC ANGELS take the lead after Lillim's shot! People in the stands are revelling – we haven't seen such an exciting game in quite a long while!
[NERV HQ restarts the game. Shinji and Asuka evade the opponents with a series of quick passes, heading towards – for a change – the opponents' goal. Lillim rushes at Shinji, currently at the ball, forcing him to pass.]
SHINJI (passing to the right)
Asuka, catch!
[Asuka, not wanting to be any worse than Israfel, does a bicycle kick. The ball, intended to head for the FC ANGELS' goal, instead bounces off the leisurely drilling Ramiel and flies away and out of the stadium.
COMMENTATOR 2
What a beautiful move by Asuka – just too bad it didn't work! And too bad Asuka isn't playing in some skimpy dress...
[Meanwhile, behind the stadium. A man in a dark coat stands next to the stadium's wall, accompanied by a violet welder robot on tracks cutting a piece of loosely hanging red wire. Suddenly a football falls onto the robot's metallic head.]
MAN
Are you all right, Joey?
JOEY (in a typically robotic voice)
Still in one piece, Foster. Hey, do you think we could take this ball?
[Back to the pitch.]
[Throw-in for NERV HQ. Kaji delivers the ball to Misato, who dribbles for a few moments and as many metres and eventually passes to Rei. Rei, blocked by Matriel, passes to Touji, but the pass is intercepted by Shamshel. He then sends the ball to EVA-08, but Asuka is already waiting for it – she flings herself to slide tackle the opponent, number 14, but unfortunately she doesn't aim quite right and instead of the ball, she hits the other player's leg. The limb, severed in the knee and splashing haemoglobin all over the place, takes a beautiful arc out of the pitch – and so does the ball, by the way – while EVA-08 takes an impressive fall onto the turf.]
COMMENTATOR 1
FC ANGELS are out of luck today – it's their fourth player unable to continue participating in this match! Let's hope they still have some substitutes!
[EVA-07 takes place of the KO'd player. The referee didn't notice the whole ordeal because he dozed off, and when he woke up he didn't see any difference because EVA-08 and EVA-07 look the same – and who would remember all those numbers on the shirts anyway.]
[Free kick for FC ANGELS. Lillim passes to Zeruel, who rushes the NERV HQ goal accompanied by Sachiel and Israfel. They are about to attempt a shot, but then Maya intercepts the ball with a heroic slide and passes it to Ritsuko, who then passes to Misato.]
COMMENTATOR 2
It looks like the NERV HQ team got themselves together and go for a tie! It's an utter invasion on the FC ANGELS goal!
[Events move to the FC ANGELS' half. NERV HQ players stubbornly attempt to score a goal, attacking the opponents in droves. Shinji shoots on goal, but the ball is stopped by Shamshel and it bounces off him. Kaji tries to shoot back, but EVA-05 foils his attempt by hitting the ball with his head. Touji tries to take advantage of the situation, but the goalkeeper saves his shot with one hand, thoroughly unimpressed.]
COMMENTATOR 1
FC ANGELS clearly on the defensive, NERV HQ attack viciously! So far with no results, but they try hard enough for something to come out of it!
[Nothing comes out of it. After a time, not very long but filled with unsuccessful attempts at the goal, Misato decides to solve the matter a bit differently. Catching the eye of the goalkeeper she pulls her shirt up for a moment, causing severe drooling and – of course – the loss of concentration in EVA-09, which in turn promptly translates to the inability of efficiently doing his goalkeeping duty. Rei takes advantage of this fact and easily sends the round, inflated subject of dispute of twenty jackasses running there and back again on the best quality grass, generating a surge of murderous intent in every gardener among the spectators – into the right spot.]
COMMENTATOR 2
GOOOOOAL! Rei Ayanami, number 6, evens the score in the seventy-first minute of the match! And Misato Katsuragi, number 7, gave a new meaning to the phrase "give them the shirt off your back"! I wonder if Misato realises that the entire world is watching her!
COMMENTATOR 1
Ladies and gentlemen, the score is tied at 2-2 and there are nineteen minutes left! We are in for a truly exciting endgame!
COMMENTATOR 2
Who will win? Who earns the cup and the joy of victory and who will be left with tears and the bitterness of defeat? Who will score the decisive goal? Will Misato show us something more? Will there be any more substitutions? Will Ricardo find out that María is cheating on him with José? Are José and Ricardo brothers? We'll find out soon!
[FC ANGELS restart the game. The Zeruel-Sachiel-Israfel trio runs toward the appropriate end of the pitch with an easy to guess intention. Zeruel gets rid of Shinji and Asuka by means of a quick pass to Israfel. Misato sprints towards him, but Israfel simply goes "GWROAAAAAWWRRR!", accompanied by the most terrifying face in his repertoire. Misato jumps back frightened, thus making an opening for the opponent, only to remember that she stopped being afraid of such things when she was ten or eleven years old.]
[Only Ritsuko and Maya remain between Israfel and Kaworu. Ritsuko charges the opponent with a cry, but she so unfortunately hits herself against his fist that she falls flat on the turf, doing a beautiful 900 that would make Tony Hawk proud in the process. Maya apparently has exhausted her supply of heroic deeds for the month because she makes herself scarce with a high-pitched, window-shattering and ear-splitting shriek, worthy of any self-respecting maiden in distress. For a few moments everyone in a half-kilometre radius presses their hands against their ears, while their spirits writhe in bodiless agony.]
[Maya, having exhausted her supply of shouts for the month, looks around taken aback, but not without a hint of satisfaction, and grins while throwing a V sign.]
MAYA (taking the ball from the still quite dizzy Israfel and crossing)
Kaji, catchit!
[Kaji regains the proper understanding of reality only when Maya's pass hits him between the eyes. After a brief while needed to take his bearings he moves to attack.]
COMMENTATOR 1 (slowly beginning to hear again)
Ladies and gentlemen, this should be forbidden! It's worse than N^2 weapons!
COMMENTATOR 2
Who knows, perhaps the military could find a job for Maya, number 3? It takes somebody with strong lungs to give orders, and as we've all just found out the hard way, Maya really has quite a pair!
[NERV HQ invade the FC ANGELS' half. The players of said team, meanwhile, reach a unanimous conclusion that it would be best to give Maya a wide berth from now on.]
[Kaji attempts a bent shot on goal and he would've scored, but after the Maya incident
EVA-09's vestibular system didn't manage to get back to normal and the goalkeeper, instead of throwing himself to the right, where the ball seemed to be heading to at first, threw himself to the left – which is where the ball really went. EVA-09 catches the football in his hands and throws it towards Lillim. Unexpectedly, Touji intercepts the ball and redirects it to Rei with a header. Rei manages a volley shot but it's stopped by EVA-13, number 2, who sends the ball flying far into the middle of the pitch, right under Matriel's feet (numerous). Matriel then starts to run toward the NERV HQ goal, but trips over an untied shoelace after a few steps and falls flat. Makoto, number 4, uses the opportunity by taking possession of the ball and passing it to Kaji.]
COMMENTATOR 1
Ladies and gentlemen, NERV HQ are on the offensive again! Those are the last minutes of the game, will they manage to score a winning goal?
[Kaji passes to Asuka over the – for the want of a better word – head of Ramiel, who's still stubbornly drilling a hole in the turf. Asuka catches the ball and with a wild yell launches herself into an insane attack, easily avoiding EVA-07 and Shamshel. Suddenly, EVA-05, wearing number 3, appears in Asuka's path with EVA-13, number 2, just a little behind.]
EVA-05 (standing fast on the spot, despite Asuka rushing towards him)
YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
[Asuka moves slightly to the left, driving her fist into EVA-05's torso with tremendous force. The hand of the NERV HQ striker moves through the defenders body like Yebisu through Misato's throat and thrusts into EVA-13's chest. Asuka passes by the unlucky defenders, not losing her speed nor – much to male spectators' and the second commentator's delight – her fluidity of movements and wrenches her hand out of their bodies, clutching the still-beating heart of the ex-player, number 2.]
ASUKA (under her breath)
Fatality!
[Asuka approaches the goal and makes a powerful shot, putting in it – figuratively – the entirety of her red-headed character. The ball, seemingly on fire as it soars through the air, tears off the top half of EVA-09's head, falls into the goal and then out of it on the other side, making a good-sized hole in the net.
COMMENTATOR 2
GOOOOOAL! Third goal for NERV HQ, scored by Souryuu Asuka Langley, number 11, in the last minute of the match!
COMMENTATOR 1
And here's the referee's whistle signalling the end of the game! The winners are NERV HQ, with the score of 3-2!
[The stands are engulfed in madness typical of moments like this one. The NERV HQ players go to receive the cup while FC ANGELS mumble curses, walking – or being carried – off the pitch. The last one to leave the turf was Ramiel, who managed to bore reasonably deep into the ground and find a new deposit of crude oil.]
[Shinji receives the Cup of Maurice Impact III from the hands of the president of the Japanese Football Association and passes it to the rest of the team to savour. Flashes flash everywhere, blinding the happy winners, but reflecting nicely in the cup, which looks good in photos – although the end result is somewhat spoiled by EVA-13's heart still in Asuka's hand. Everybody grins for the cameras, pats each other on the backs, shakes random peoples' hands and generally makes it clear how happy they are with their victory.]
[Suddenly a Lambda-class shuttle escorted by two TIE Fighters flies over the jolly crowd. Inside the shuttle sits Darth Coach, looking through a viewport towards the stadium slowly disappearing in the distance.]
DARTH COACH (under his breath)
Khh... khhhhh... No more football, ever again! I'm done with vacation, time to get back to oppressing the rebels, khh! Khh... khhhhh... Khh... khhhhh...
[Suddenly a small lightsaber lights up above Darth Coach's head.]
DARTH COACH
Khh! I've got an idea! A football-shaped space battle station, khh! The Emperor will be pleased... Khhhhh...
[Back on Earth.]
COMMENTATOR 2
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being with us today! This match was commentated by: Raphael T. ...
COMMENTATOR 1
...and Tobias W. 2)! It's time we say goodbye and leave you with the statistics of tonight's match!
Score: NHQ – 3; FCA - 2
Shots on goal: NHQ – 7; FCA - 3
Ball possession: Imagine no possession, it's easy if you try
Penalty kicks: NHQ – 0; FCA - 0
Corner kicks: NHQ – 0; FCA - 1
Free kicks: NHQ – 0; FCA - 2
Fouls: NHQ – 4; FCA - 1
Yellow cards: NHQ – 1; FCA - 0
Red cards: NHQ – 0; FCA - 0
Substitutions: NHQ – 0; FCA - 4
[NERV headquarters, two days later. The Cup of Maurice Impact III is placed on display and the team relives the entire experience – only now, because the previous day they were all too busy celebrating their victory with an intense use of the NERV Premium beer.]
GENDOU (looking at the cup with love in his eyes)
Congratulations once again, everyone. That was a beautiful game, you showed real class.
MISATO (drinking a beer – fifth, no less)
Thanks, boss. Ah, there's nothing quite like a beer after a match...
FUYUTSUKI
Yes, you were great. That was football worthy of champions!
MAYA (modestly)
You're exaggerating, we just tried our best.
RITSUKO
And you did your best by far – my left ear is still ringing.
MAYA (with a disarming smile)
Heh heh, sorry.
MAKOTO
You gotta admit, FC ANGELS didn't look so tough after the match.
AOBA
Hardly surprising – we kicked their butts!
KAJI
Literally. Some of them won't be coming back to play again. Much to Asuka's credit.
ASUKA (making a sweet face)
Thank you, mister Kaji.
TOUJI (dreamily)
And now we're in for the best part – interviews, autographs, fangirls...
SHINJI (with irony)
Not necessarily in that particular order, huh?
FUYUTSUKI
Since you have proved yourselves in a, hmm, "friendly" game with FC ANGELS, perhaps you would like to try your skills in the national league? How would you like the title of Japanese champions?
KAWORU
Sounds good to me.
ASUKA
Sounds very good to me!
MAYA
Are you serious? We could play in the national championship?
GENDOU
Indeed. You've shown you can play to win.
[Maya is about to give a cry of joy, but Ritsuko gags her just in time.]
GENDOU (removing his hands from his ears, which he managed to cover with the speed rivalling that of the Road Runner)
Thanks, Ritsuko. All right, team, we begin training tomorrow! Let's do it, for victory!
SHINJI, ASUKA, REI, TOUJI, KAWORU, MISATO, KAJI, RITSUKO, MAYA, AOBA i MAKOTO (loudly and enthusiastically, befitting a sports team)
FOR VICTORY!
[The NERV HQ team begins a sustained and intense training, full of sweating and swearing, and Gendou enters his protégés into this season's league games. The team, full of eagerness, optimism and hope, begins an unrelenting fight for the Japanese Cup. Unfortunately, due to the lack of proper motivation in the form of mankind's to be or not to be, which marked their match against FC ANGELS, they are eliminated in the qualification round.]
The End
Finished : 16.03.2004 at 13:07
Translated : 20.12.2012 at 01:04
by M3n747
m3n747 at o2 dot pl
m3n747 dot ugu dot pl
1) Professor T. Alent – a character from the comic book series "Tytus, Romek i A'Tomek" by Henryk Jerzy Chmielewski. Prof. T. Alent is a slightly mad but kind and joyful scientist and a friend of the titular characters. He makes various inventions, usually flying vehicles, to aid the main heroes in their adventures.
2) Raphael T. and Tobias W. – two of my friends from primary school, both into football. The former owes me money.