He had proposed to Meyrin—that day infront of everyone, but not because he had wanted to.
Because he had no choice.
Kira and Lacus had applauded, and looked happy for his actions, and while Shinn was still a little moody from earlier, he and Lunamaria did, too. It was the other person who he had been looking to, who hadn't said a word, but instead was conveniently pulled away by an important phonecall from her General. He hadn't been sure of why her sour reaction had happened; she had been gone from his life for a good three years, and there had been little to no contact since. Stationed in the PLANTs Orb Embassy, he had never been able to reach out to her. But at the same time, he had never tried. Not with Meyrin hanging off his arms like a lost puppy. Begging for his attention. And he had tried, but somehow it still felt empty.
Extending one arm around her waist, he smiled faintly at the others who came up to congratulate Meyrin, but he was unable to forget her empty stare. She had never returned, and when they went to drink in his honour, he did spy Kira on the phone speaking to her. Maybe her twin brother had experienced the same plight he did.
Why was his life so empty after seeing Cagalli again?
(break)
She had come wearing a faint pastel green blouse and gray pants. There was evidence in her apparel, that she had chosen it. It was meant to be a simple party to celebrate the end of the important war duties for most of the veterans of the war. But he had chosen the day to propose to Meyrin, who had been at his side steadily since the war ended. Her duties as a ZAFT CIC were never returned to her. Lacus had decided she wasn't fit for being a soldier at random, and while the decision seemed harsh, it had Meyrin's best interest in it. She had never been too excellent at her job and took up one that suited her in a company that dealt with stocks.
He hadn't thought he'd see Cagalli here. Not in a million years. Any other get-together, she had declined coming to. But evidently, her duties had lightened enough that she came, and she looked exhausted but he was still shocked to see her. He suddenly lost his nerve to propose. He couldn't put on a fake smile, either, because he knew his heart was breaking the moment Cagalli stepped in the room and immediately looked at him—but not with love. With contempt. And distance.
Their mistakes were tearing them apart. His mistake had been, in the end, worse than hers. But they were purposely putting distance.
But I have to go with Meyrin, he decided. Or I'll be lonely. I'll have no one. I can't have her love, she doesn't love me anymore.
He had tried to seek out Meyrin in her pink dress and frilly sleeves but she was nowhere to be found, and at every turn, there was talk about Cagalli, and how she had surprised everyone. About how she miraculously rose Orb to be a great nation. About how she and her father were so alike in so many ways. About how beautiful she looked even in the outfit she wore. He was starting to have a headache from how much people mentioned her, but he couldn't blame them. Cagalli was that much of a beautiful woman, inside and out. Meyrin was, too, but the beauty of the Orb princess was different. Cagalli hated beauty—but she was all of that, and more, through and through. Meyrin had to show her confidence and beauty by force, because she was still young. Athrun couldn't deny, he found the confidence and stubbornness Cagalli depicted more attractive than cutesy shy people. He was always going to love her.
Finally he found Meyrin speaking to some guests, animatedly, and he grabbed her shoulder to tug her away. And she complied, although he compared her at once to his lost love, Cagalli, who never would have left him. She would have socked him for touching her and moving her away from a crowd like that. And he had decided then and there, to go along with the engagement if only because he had no one else.
All eyes were finally on him and Meyrin, including hers. And he pulled out a box and knelt down. But he saw her pull out her phone just in time to avert her gaze. She turned and walked out of the hallway, and his eyes followed her even as he asked Meyrin to marry him. His eyes stayed on her when he put the ring on Meyrin's finger. His eyes continued to stay where she had been at the door, when Meyrin hugged him.
(break)
"She's so brave. Lord Uzumi really instilled his values in her."
"Lady Cagalli is so beautiful. I wonder what she'll look like on her wedding day."
"She looks so tired. I remember her being much more vigorous last time we were in an Orb meeting."
He remembered every word someone said about her. He could write them down and he'd get every word right. It was all praises, save for some people saying she was tired and she seemed a little numb in private. He wanted to point fingers, but he knew it was because she worked exhaustingly. Even he didn't do that. He heard Meyrin out the door shouting, but he ignored it in order to reach into his desk, where he fingered the Haumea stone amulet he had kept there since two years ago, when he had taken it off. It protected him during both wars, and he continued to relent what he was going to do with his life.
Meyrin would never tell him a stone could protect him. Neither would any other girl he had been with. Only Cagalli would give her enemy a stone, and tell them it'll protect them. Only Cagalli would quietly let go of the person she loved even despite having a ring.
He had held onto it. He had buried her in his mind, and prayed she never emerged. But she did, and he was sure it was because she was so important to his life. Constantly he tried to make sense of it and tried to bury himself away. Mrs. Meyrin Zala, and Athrun Zala. He wanted to accept it, but nothing suited his mind more than Athrun and Cagalli. Nothing seemed more complete.
And the door opened and he turned around in slight shock. He hadn't expected that at all.
A pair of red eyes peeked at him, with shaggy dark hair, and he waved Shinn in, expecting him least of all. But Shinn closed the door behind him, and he immediately seemed like he came with some sort of purpose. "I know this isn't my place to say anything, but since you lectured me after the first war, it's my turn," he decided. He sounded like he was struggling, too. Athrun knew Shinn was. Struggling to accept his new life, Lunamaria, and a few other things. He was a strong boy, though. "Do you remember Stella?" Shinn asked.
Athrun did remember her, but he never brought her up. Luna said it was a sensitive topic, and Shinn still remembered her. But he nodded to show he did, waiting for him to continue. "Do you know how much I regret her death? Do you know how often I think, what if she'd lived? Would she be with me? What if I'd saved her?" Shinn asked questions that Athrun felt were weighing down on him. To think about a dead person so much. Athrun often did, too. About his mother. About Nicol and about Heine. But Shinn's situation was much different. "Do you know how much it hurts to lose someone you love, even when they were right there? In your arms?"
He did. He knew it more than anyone. He lost Cagalli. And he loved her beyond words itself. She had held him together during the war, and he still held onto her memories and how she was despite the time settled in between. But he stayed quiet because a suddenly angry expression on Shinn's face made him do it. "Then why the hell are you playing with Mey's life when you and I both know you could never let go of that Athha woman?!" he shouted.
His words hit home, and Athrun felt himself crumble. He was playing with Meyrin's life. Not only did he not love her, but he rarely thought of her in any romantic sense. Instead, the moment Cagalli appeared, she consumed his thoughts. "Don't give me that bullshit about her moving on. She's twenty one and has no suitors. Commander Yamato always says she's depressed and needs support. Who the hell do you think she held back for? Her nation? They want her to have kids, to continue on her family line. But she waits for you because she loves you more than she loves anything! Stop wasting time."
Shinn turned around, despite his anger, and looked back with a frown. Shinn had been serious. Athrun felt it, and now he knew he was wrong, too.
"Hurry up before it's too late, Admiral. We don't get chances at happiness forever."
(break)
He had broken it off with Meyrin the next morning, explaining what he had done was wrong. How he had felt, wasn't really true. He had loved Cagalli all along. Meyrin, as simple as she was, understood it, and in tears handed back the engagement ring. She had said she knew all along, because Athrun never fully accepted her, and told him to put his application in as Admiral in Orb.
He had done that very quickly, and Meyrin had packed during the time to go stay with Lunamaria and Shinn. Athrun had been sure to ask her to give Shinn an apology and his regards. He had been the last person Athrun expected to come to his aid, to talk sense into him, but it had worked. Shinn knew what it felt like to lose loved ones, the most, after all. When he got an approval another day later, he called Lacus and Kira to tell them—and knowingly, the couple agreed and gave him departure times. A new Admiral was likely to come by sooner or later, in his place.
A twelve'o'clock flight had been his greeting, and he took it in an instance to Orb. Despite the long wait time, when he arrived, he had taken his luggage and stepped off the plane to be greeted by amber optics, looked on him at the distance they were. And tuft of messy blonde hair, and a white and blue orb uniform. He stepped towards her with the faintest of a smile, and he lowered his head just enough to meet her gaze. They were fiery. He could see how she was.
And much like he had hoped, she punched him in the face, leaving a need for a medic team at wake.
(break)
"I'm sorry Meyrin. I know, I asked you to marry me, but.. It's just that.."
"I already know. I heard everything. And Shinn's right. Lady Cagalli, was always where you belonged. I guess I just wished it was me."
"It isn't that. I just, can't let go of her. She protected me. I want to return the favour. I lo—"
"Just go to her. And don't leave her again. I should go to Luna and Shinn's place. I promised her I'd help while she's pregnant."
Meyrin fled the room, and Athrun stood watching where she left. He realised the one thing he liked about Meyrin, wasn't even one of her traits. She wasn't courageous, Cagalli was. And stupidely enough, he continued to want to point it out in others. He just couldn't. None of them were Cagalli.
I'm coming back. I'm going to fight for us, now. I promise.
(break)
He took note of the black eye he sported, and only stared at Cagalli quietly. She stared back equally as quiet.
"Where's Meyrin?" she asked.
To her response, he took out the ring he gave her four years ago, before the second war began, and he grabbed her hand. He relented admitting he could barely see it right now. Slipping the ring on her ring finger, he let his eyes stay locked on her. And he felt the weight disappear. "Someone told me, I would regret letting go of you. And that person was right. You're in every breath I take. I've been so lost without you, and Orb. Marrying you is the quickest way to get both back."
Silence built up, and he shifted his arms around her blushing face. But she returned the action, and they held each other for a long time, unable to let go. He had finally found that his mistake had been corrected.
(break)
"What did you talk to Athrun about, Shinn?"
Shinn had been too busy grinning at the monitor showing Orb's Chief Representative had a scandalous ring back on her ring finger, almost knowingly.