The following vignette was inspired by a series of e-mails on SteeleWatchers. One thread concerned the cover art for the upcoming Rremington Steele Season 1 DVD. If they really go with the current cover art, seen at for example, they will be pushing an image that matches James Bond, not Remington Steele, and they will be leaving Laura Holt off the cover completely. Needless to say, certain members of SteeleWatchers expressed strong disapproval. I pointed out that if one could step back from the situatoion, it did have a humorous side: Laura Holt always kept herself out of the publicity limelight, and she actively created a public image of Remington Steele that didn't quite match the reality of the man who would be Steele. The other thread that is part of the warp and woof of this story concerns the ongoing discussion of whether Pierce Brosnan will play James Bond in the next film. In this past week, the first week of April, 2005, people have posted newspaper articles announcing two different non-PB actors as officially being the next JB, which those actors later denied, and as well as articles about how PB is still very much in the run, that his previous announcement that he was out is just a ploy.

Leon is a character from the episode "Steele in the Air." He played a press agent who was trying to get Steele on the cover of "People."

Bonded Steele

by Peg Daniels

Present day L.A., offices of Remington Steele Investigations

Remington looked at the jewel case in his hand. He cringed at the cover art on its liner. When Leon had cajoled him into this deal – not that Leon had had to do much arm-twisting – Remington hadn't given much thought to the possible fallout. It promised to be nuclear. "Uh, Leon. This isn't exactly the Remington Steele image." Laura would not be pleased. Particularly considering that she was noticeable on the cover only by her a absence. Then again, the only person who would notice that would be Laura, since she still insisted on staying in the background where publicity was concerned. Oh, and he had noticed she wasn't on there, of course. It'd taken him awhile. He'd had a vague, nagging feeling that something was missing. He'd finally put one and one together: Nag + Missing From Picture Laura.

Not that his dear sweet wife was a nag. Except when it came to pestering him about paperwork or fussing about him fobbing off footwork on Mildred or . . . . Well, it didn't matter. This little bombshell was sure to wipe out all memory of his past transgressions.

"Steele, baby, what's the prob?"

"We-e-ell," Remington drawled. "For one thing I look like a steely-eyed, cold-blooded killer – "

"Steele, it's now, it's happenin', babe – "

"What's happenin', babe?" Laura stood at the entrance to the office, glaring.

Remington whipped the hand holding the jewel case behind his back. He winced at her tone: she and Leon had never exactly . . . hit it off. He winced one more time when he realized something could very well be hit off in the next few minutes, and it wasn't Leon and Laura's relationship. He decided the best defense was a good –

He sprinted over to her, still holding his hand behind his back. "Ah, Laura, I was just in a little confab with Leon – "

"Oh, you were, were you?"

Remington cleared his throat nervously and continued, "Yes." He turned his head toward Leon, away from her dagger eyes. "Uh, Leon, you remember my lovely wife?"

"What's shakin', sweetheart?"

"What's – ?" Laura took a deep breath. "The name isn't 'sweetheart.' It's Laura Holt-Steele."

"Doesn't exactly roll trippingly off the tongue, does it?"

Remington rushed to intervene before Laura could rip out someone's tongue – he moved especially fast because he wasn't sure if said tongue would be his or Leon's. "Leon's had the most marvelous idea – "

"I bet."

"Uh, yes, he has indeed. Only I realized I need the input of my most valuable, most trusted – "

"What's behind your back?"

" – most forgiving, uh, behind my back, you say? Why, Laura," – he limned a lascivious leer on his lips – "you are intimately familiar with what's behind my back, but in case you need a little reminder, what say you and I go out to Pierre's tonight. We'll have a romantic dinner, go out dancing, and then we'll go home and . . . dance." He made bedroom eyes, hoping he looked like whatshisname in The Thomas Crown Affair (Rene Russo, Irish DreamTime, 1999).

"What's behind your back?"

Evidently she was not in the mood. Maybe it was a PMS thing. "Uh, nothing, darling, really." She began to tussle with him, trying to pull his arm to the front. "Can't keep her hands off me," Remington assured Leon. Remington's eyes went wide when he saw Leon had a digital camera out and was taking pictures of them.

"Great stuff, Steele. Animal passion between secretary and boss – "

"Secretary?" Laura shrieked. She stomped on Remington's foot, which he thought was definitely a display of misplaced anger – that is, he had that thought when the explosions behind his eyeballs finally ceased and he could think again. He nearly lost the jewel case to her, but in a sleight-of-hand move worthy of Houdini (Tony Curtis, Janet Leigh, Paramount Pictures, 1953), he managed to transfer it to his left hand and launch it through the air to Leon, who caught it deftly.

"Yeah, great stuff. If nowhere else we can put it in the Special Features – Deleted Scenes."

Laura turned around slowly, dangerously, to face Leon. "What are you talking about?"

"You're going to love it, sweetheart," Leon affirmed. Remington practically did jumping jacks to get Leon's attention, making "cut" gestures at his throat, grabbing his tie and pretending to hang himself – all to no avail. Leon swept a palm across the air, inviting his audience to share his vision. "Remington Steele's Greatest Cases on DVD, Volume I." Leon held up the jewel case in a triumphant fist, giving Laura her first look at the cover art. Remington collapsed against the desk.

Moments later, Remington realized he still hadn't heard anything. Had Laura screamed so loud she'd ruptured his eardrums? He looked up cautiously. Oh, Lord, she was building up to it. Dante's Peak came to mind (whoshisface, Linda Hamilton, Universal Pictures, 1997). He sprang forward and clamped a hand over her mouth. "Leon, I need to talk this over with my staff – ouch!" – Remington backed his feet away from Laura's lethal heels, which gave him a decidedly precarious lean – "my partner. I'm sure we can come to some agreement on this issue. I think maybe even a tiny inset picture might be satisfactory – "

"Steele, face it. Ms. Holt-Steele here ain't exactly Salma Hayek – "

"Mmph, mmph, mmph – "

"What's that, darling?" Remington shifted his hand to a firmer position. He usually quite enjoyed it when she bit him, but he had a feeling her current efforts weren't attempts at little love nips.

"Mmmmmm . . . . "

"This guy here," – Leon pointed to the steely-eyed, cold-blooded assassin on the cover art – "needs to be dripping with hot babes."

"MMMMMM . . . . "

"Steele, baby, you and the Laurster work this out, get back to me, okay? Gotta fly – I'm meeting Pierce Brosnan, plot out his next career move now that his Bond days are kaput. Don't know if the guy's salvageable, but . . . . Anyway," – Leon dipped his knees and cut the air with his hand – "ciao." He swaggered from the room.

Laura tried to follow, her muffled vocalizations growing ever more strident. Between trying to hold her back and keeping his feet out of range, Remington overbalanced, and they toppled to the floor.

"Will you get off of me?"

"Not until I'm sure Leon's safely out of the building. And then, only if I can't persuade you otherwise."