Magical Middle Earth Tour
Chapter 1- Jetski, Widescreen t.v or stereo?
In the middle of the car park of the Town Hall of Hobbiton parks a psychadelic double decker bus with the words "Magical Middle Earth Tour" written on the back in neon lights. The inhabitants of Hobbiton walk past it idly as if it's not there, this is becuase this is the starting point for the tour which runs every 2 weeks. Inside on the back seat sit three hobbits wearing baseball caps and huge grins. Their names are Merry, Pippin and Sam.
Aragorn walk on board with a clip board in his hand.
"Hello everyone," says Aragorn cheerily. His tone will change soon enough, as you will see along the story," I'm your tour guide, I'd like to check the register please. Mr and Mrs Bromley?"
A couple sitting near the back stick their hands up. Mr.Bromley is wearing a polo shirt over a beer belly, along with a comb over. His wife has permed peroxide blonde hair, leggins and lipstick on her teeth.
"Mr and Mrs Jones?"
An elderly couple that sit right at the front say "Ai". Mr Jones is looking out of the window while Mrs Jones is chewing noisily on some sweets.
"Sarah Smith?"
"Here," replies a young woman with long black hair. She looks bored already and is now applying mascara.
"Fred and Ben?"
Two young men are sitting together. Fred, the one with his arm around Ben puts his hand up.
"And Jane Coulter?"
"Over here darling," replies a middle aged woman who pinches Aragorn's bum.
Aragorn, a bit ruffled," And...Peregrin Took, Meriadoc Brandybuck and Samwise Gamgee! Excuse me a moment..."
Aragorn gives a fake smile to the tourists and marches to the back of the bus. His smile dissappeares and he lowers his voice.
"What the hell do you three think you're doing here? You've been stalking me for ages now! The quest was over two years ago!" Aragorn shouts.
"But we enjoy the trip!" argues Pippin.
"It's a laugh!" adds Merry.
"Please, Mr.Strider...uh, King Aragorn sir!" pleads Sam.
"But you know the route, you were in the Fellowship. Remember?"
"I have a faint recollection..." says Pippin scratching his head in confusion.
"Please Aragorn, please!" beg Merry and Sam, giving their best puppy dog eyes.
"Oh okay," sighs Aragorn," but don't let the fiasco that happened last time, happen again! My boss nearly found out about you three getting all excited, hijacking the bus and driving it off Mount Doom!"
"Aye, we're sorry about that..."says Pippin sheepishly," but lucky that tree was there to break our fall, eh boys? I mean, no one was hurt...badly."
"Maggie Owen, who is 89 years old, was hanging off the sidemirror by her walking stick!" fumes Aragorn.
Aragorn turns around and goes to sit down while the hobbits are laughing manically in the back.
"We better be off then!" says Aragorn, straining to be cheery.
5 MINUTES LATER...
They're still sitting there. Gimli rushes on to the bus wearing his bus conductor uniform.
"I'm sorry guys!" he apologises, then whispers to Aragorn," sorry, was having a bit of trouble on the loo."
"Ugh, too much information..."
"Are we there yet?" shouts Pippin as he fidgets in the back seat.
" We haven't moved yet!" answers Aragorn his rage growing by the second.
"Right, we're off!" shouts Gimli from the front.
Aragorn stands up holding a microphone.
"Can I have a request?" asks Pippin.
"Shut up. Right, the first stop will be Hobbiton where you will be meeting the very famous, very charming, very senile, Frodo Baggins".
"He's me cousin!" shouts Merry.
"And me cousin!" shouts Pippin also.
"And me lover!" adds Sam proudly.
Silence.
"Right...", says Aragorn uncomfortably," to your left is the Green Dragon the local boozer, and next door is Bag End, how convienient. It's now a tourist site so let's go in".
Mr. Bromley stands up reluctantly, "If he's anything like those weirdos in the back I'm not fookin coming."
Aragorn covers his face," Oh God..."
As they walk to Bag End hobbit children run up to Aragorn excitedly.
"Fireworks Gandalf!"
"You cheeky little bugger!" exclaims Aragorn outraged, "my beard's not that white! Scram you little rats!"
At the front door there's a Mind Your Head sign and a security guard.
"Do not try talking to Mr.Baggins all at once, do not feed him, no flash photography and do not mention the Ringwraiths."
Insides are plaques by objects of "interest" such as a chair Thorin the dwarf lord once sat in, a bowl Gandalf ate his spaghetti hoops in, the basin Pippin puked his brains out when absolutely off his face and the toilet Pippin flushed Merry's head down the same night.
"That was one hell of a funeral party..." recollects Pippin fondly.
They enter the study were Frodo is sitting in a rocking chair, in his dressing gown.
"Hello, I'm Frodo," he says," do you have any questions?"
"Yo Fo!"
"What's up dude?"
Frodo's eyes widen," those voices, i recognize them...they haunt me in my dreams..."
"Cus, it's us Merry and Pippin! Aren't you glad to see us?"
Frodo screams and smokes his pipe weed crazily to calm down. Frodo's bodyguards grab Merry and Pippin and drag them outside.
"You have disturbed the master!"
"Oh Mr.Baggins can you please tell us a tale from the fellowship?" asks Mrs Jones imploringly.
"Well, let me think...oh yes, there was this one time...
FLASHBACK #1
The fellowship, except Gandalf, are in Lothlorien. They are in a living roon watching television.
Legolas stares at the ground," I can't believe Gandalf is gone..."
"Yeah, I miss his stinky old feet!" adds Pippin seriously.
Pippin starts crying hysterically until he is distracted by music on the telly," Ooh! Goody gumdrops, Wheel of Fortune is on!"
"Oh Lord..." sighs Legolas who starts to file his nails.
Frodo puts on his glasses to see the screen (and to look intellectual).
The host comes on and introduces the guests.
"Today in red we have Mavis Gladstone, who is 89 and from Southport. In blue we have Jessica Poole, who is 28 and from Cardiff and lastly we have Gandalf Grey from Middle Earth...who's age is unknown."
Gandalf coughs," actually it's Gandalf THE Grey."
Everyone in Lothlorien are gobsmacked. Pippin hasn't noticed anything out of the ordinary.
"I thought he was dead!" shouts Aragorn incredulously though inside he's gutted now he'sno longer leader of the fellowship.
"Who?" asks Pippin, face glued to the telly, which Gandalf is on.
The host says,"It's a place!"
BUZZER
"It's Newcastle Upon Tyne!" says Gandalf surely.
"Uh, that's correct Mr.Grey!"
Everyone's shocked as there aren't even letters up yet.
"Let's see your choice of prizes..."
A woman is watching Wheel of Fortune on a widescreen telly. Another is listening to music on a stereo and another is pretending to be on a jetski.
"I think I'll take the...
Everyone at Lothlorien are on the edge of their seats, "T.V!T.V!T.V!"
"...the jetski!"
Merry throws a shoe at the screen, "what does he want a frickin jetski for!"
"He won many things that night..." ends Frodo.
The tourists were expecting a bloody battle tale but were intersted all the same.
"So he wasn't killed by a balrog then?" asks Jane Coulter.
"Well attacked," says Frodo," bot have you ever wondered where the ITV studios are?"
"Yeah, they're in Manchester, I work there," says Ben.
"No silly, those aren't real! You actually thought that was the set of Coronation Street?"
"What?" shouts Ben madly," my whole life has been a lie!"
"Oh shut up," snaps Frodo," the real studios are at the bottom of Khazad Dum.It's ran by dwarves...it's so BBC can't steal their ideas..."
"Woooooooooooooow!"
Aragorn slaps himself on the forehead.
"So-" begins Frodo but is interrupted by Aragorn.
"Right! That's enough for one millenium! Say bye bye!"
"Bye Bye Mr.Baggins!"