Jerry Springer's Sunny Day
Opening theme titles for "The Jerry Springer Show"
The studio audience is going wild, cheering, applauding, and loudly chanting "JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!"
And then JERRY SPRINGER walks down the audience aisle toward the stage, followed closely by two burly security guards. The guards stop just short of stepping onto the stage itself, while Springer steps onto it solo and turns to the audience.
SPRINGER Today on "The Jerry Springer Show": Obsessive behavior. We all have our little habits, quirks, or routines that define who we are and how we live. But what happens when they become more than quirks and turn into manias? More than that, what happens when people who live together find each others' manias more than they can stand? My guests today are two such people who share an apartment in New York City, and have spent the last forty years keeping their frustrations bottled up inside. But now they've come on my show to finally air their grievances. Please welcome Mr. Ernie and Mr. Bert.
The audience cheers as the cameras reveal ERNIE and BERT, the very same Muppets from "Sesame Street", sitting on two chairs parked next to each other on the stage. But unlike the television characters, here Ernie and Bert are showing their age, with graying hair and some wrinkles visible on their felt faces, and neither looks happy at all to be sitting next to the other.
SPRINGER Let's start with you, Mr. Ernie -
ERNIE It's just Ernie, and he's just Bert.
BERT (snaps) Oh, so we're not doing the "Ol' Buddy" anymore?
ERNIE "We"? When did *you* ever say it!
SPRINGER Gentlemen, gentlemen! Ernie, what specific things does Bert do that annoy you?
ERNIE You want just a few or the whole list? Okay, let's start with his bottle cap and paper clip collections.
BERT There's nothing wrong with collecting bottle caps and paper clips!
ERNIE There is when they're taking up every inch of closet space in the whole apartment and then some!
SPRINGER So you're saying Bert is a hoarder?
BERT "Hoarder"! Just because I keep some bottle caps around the house? Would you rather they ended up in the landfills?
ERNIE Would you rather turn our home into a landfill!
BERT These are valuable collectors' items!
SPRINGER Hold on, we have a question from the audience.
Springer indicates to an usher amongst the audience to bring a microphone within range of one of the audience members.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1 Yeah, I want to know what Ernie thinks about Bert's drinking problem.
Bert does a double-take.
BERT "Drinking problem"! Who said I have a drinking problem!
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1 Well, those bottle caps had to come from somewhere, didn't they?
Ernie turns slyly toward Bert.
ERNIE You been stashing away more than just unflavored soda water, Bert?
BERT You know damn well I have not! (to audience) Some bottle caps I've gotten from friends, others I've gotten as souvenirs from trips, but most of them I've found just tossed away as garbage.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1 So you're a dumpster diver!
BERT I am not!
ERNIE But you're down in the dumps often enough!
BERT (to Ernie) Now cut that out! (to Springer) *This* is what I have to put up with every day! He's always making fun of me, of my hobbies, of my clothes! He's the most childish muppet I could've ever got stuck with as a housemate!
ERNIE *I'm* childish! Who always snickers when I tell him I'm going to see *Big Bird*!
SPRINGER Bert, what does Ernie do that annoys you the most?
BERT Oh geez, there's so many to choose from, but let's start with Ernie never letting me sleep! He's *always* staying awake way past bedtime, and he always keeps *me* awake when he does: Wanting drinks of water or sandwiches, rambling about what he wants to do the next day, whining about it being so dark, whining about "scary" noises -!
ERNIE The only "scary" noises in our apartment are your snoring, which is the *only* reason I stay awake in the first place!
BERT He eats my food! Every time I set aside a few cookies or a piece of cake for dessert, he gobbles them up behind my back!
ERNIE Hey, I never see your names on them!
BERT And he's always making up the stupidest games, singing the stupidest songs -
ERNIE Says the guy who thinks the biggest excitement in the world is finding more than three lumps in his oatmeal!
BERT (to Ernie, holding up a fist) How'd you like three lumps of your own! (to Springer) And what about his drums? He plays them all hours of the day, especially when I'm trying to read, or take a nap, or feed my fish - that is when I *had* fish, before Ringo Starr here belted out a heavy metal solo and killed them all with the vibrations!
ERNIE That's a lie! It was all that leftover oatmeal you kept feeding them!
SPRINGER (turns to audience) You in the fifth row, you have a comment?
An usher brings a microphone to an audience member who is waving a furry green arm from the open top of a large trash can. The audience member stands up in the can, revealing himself to be OSCAR THE GROUCH:
OSCAR Yeah, I agree with Bert! Ernie woke me up just the other day with those lousy drums -
SPRINGER Just a minute, you look familiar.
BERT He ought to! He's been in your audience every day for the last fifteen years!
OSCAR And why not? You know how much I love trash, and there's no better place for talking trash than on this show! And *my* trash jumps around all over the place whenever Ernie starts wailing on his drums! Not that I don't mind a good mess, but when it comes with 200 decibels of non-stop banging -
ERNIE It is *not* 200 decibels!
OSCAR It is when they're amplified inside my trash can! Thanks to you, I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep in years, my ears are ringing all the time, and at least five of my teeth have been rattled outta my mouth this year alone!
Oscar climbs out of his can in a threatening manner.
OSCAR I've got a good mind to come down there and shove those drumsticks right up your butt!
ERNIE (stands up and eggs Oscar on) What, you want a piece of me! C'mon, I'll show you a *real* trashing!
Oscar barrels his way out of the audience toward the stage and catapults himself at Ernie, fists swinging. Ernie responds in kind, throwing punches at Oscar left and right, both of them wailing all over each other until two security guards manage to pull them apart.
BERT (to Springer) Good thing you stopped them. Oscar smells bad enough just from the garbage, but when you add in sweat and dirt from a fight, that's a stink nobody can stand!
ERNIE I can fix that for you!
Ernie pulls Bert's nose off.
SPRINGER Mr. Ernie! That was entirely too graphic, even for *my* show!
ERNIE Relax, Jerry, his nose always comes on and off like that. It's just stuck on with Velcro or something. It's great for "My buddy's got no nose" jokes!
Ernie lets off his signature laugh.
OSCAR And Bert said *I* smell awful! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!
BERT Gimme my nose back!
ERNIE All right, keep your shirt on!
Ernie sticks it back onto Bert's face, and both of them sit back down in their chairs. Oscar sits down back into his trash can, which an usher just brought down to the stage.
SPRINGER Now let's all calm down and try to continue this in a more civilized manner!
OSCAR Aw, that's no fun!
SPRINGER Well, try it anyway! (turns toward audience) We have another question from the audience.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2 Yeah, my question is for both Ernie and Bert! Do you have a marriage or a civil union, and in which state did you go to get it?
ERNIE (rolls eyes) Oh, not *this* again! For the last time, we're just roommates! We are NOT a gay couple, we do NOT have a civil union, and just because we have the same bedroom, we are NOT sleeping together!
BERT (wicked grin) Why would we? Ernie prefers sleeping with a rubber duckie!
Ernie swivels toward Bert as Bert starts laughing with his trademark "Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh!" only this time with a more sinister tone than usual.
ERNIE What do you mean by that!
OSCAR (with evil grin) This wouldn't be an inflatable duckie, would it? Heh-heh-heh-heh!
ERNIE (to Oscar) WHAT!
The audience starts hollering and hooting at Ernie suggestively.
ERNIE (to hooting audience) It's nothing like that! It's for security!
OSCAR "Security"! You mean it's a *guard* duck! What's it do, bite burglars on their butts?
AUDIENCE MEMBER #3 (breaks in) Or is it for nibbling *your* butt! WHOOOOO-!
ERNIE Hey! You don't know me!
Bert's laughter gets louder and more intense.
BERT This is one guy who never goes to bed without his rubber! EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH!
Bert can't stop himself laughing EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH! at the innuendos the audience keeps throwing at Ernie...
ERNIE It is *not* for - that's not the -
Ernie suddenly and furiously turns toward the laughing Bert:
ERNIE OH SHUT THE -BLEEP!- UP!
Bert suddenly stops laughing and turns to Ernie in shock.
ERNIE I can't stand that laugh of yours anymore! Do you know what it's like living with that day in, day out for forty years! (to Springer) FORTY *DAMN* YEARS! It's like living with a machine gun! All the time, "EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH!" It drives me up the wall!
BERT Well at least *I* don't sound like I'm choking on a hairball!
Bert makes a loud, exaggerated imitation of Ernie's signature laugh.
BERT (cont.) Every time I hear it, I wanna yell at my pigeons to fly for their lives before the *cat* gets them!
ERNIE Oh, don't even get me started on your frickin' pigeons! I can't even take baths anymore 'cause they use my tub as a birdbath! And even when they aren't, I can't use the tub with all the presents they leave in it!
BERT You leave my pigeons outta this!
ERNIE (to Springer) I think he's training them to kill me! Every time I turn around, they're staring at me, like they're watching and waiting for the right moment to go Alfred Hitchcock on me!
SPRINGER Be reasonable, Ernie, that was a movie.
ERNIE So? Bert and I live in a TV show!
SPRINGER A children's TV show . . . or it was until *this* show.
ERNIE And only a stupid little kid wouldn't see it! It's not just the pigeons, his whole face has evil mastermind written all over it! The thick eyebrows, the permanent frown, the bullet-shaped head, and that "EH-EH-EH-EH-EH!" of his! If that isn't a psycho's laugh, I don't know what is! He's *evil*! The whole world knows it, just go online and see for yourself!
BERT (freshly outraged) WHAT! Are you talking about that "Bert is Evil" website! I've been suing it for slander for years! Everything on it is bull-BLEEP!- And if I ever meet the -BLEEP!-hole who runs that site face-to-face, I'll smash his -BLEEP!-ing face in!
SPRINGER Well, I think I'm going to be sorry you -BLEEPED!- that, because I have a surprise for you and the audience: We have the creator of the "Bert is Evil" website right here in our studio. (calls out) Would you come out and show yourself please!
From behind the curtain at the back of the stage, the website's creator steps out. The entire audience is shocked, but none more so than Bert when we all see the creator's identity is:
BERT *ELMO!* WHY?
ELMO Bert's big eyebrows and laugh totally creep Elmo out! Elmo needed two years therapy after watching Bert do Pigeon Dance!
OSCAR (bad imitation of Elmo's voice) Elmo should've gotten "Hooked on Phonics" at same time!
ELMO Get bent, Grouch! (to Bert) So Bert wants to smash Elmo's -BLEEP!-ing face in? Give Elmo best shot! Elmo smash Bert's face into floor and do Pigeon Dance on Bert's nose!
Ernie pulls Bert's nose off again and hands it to Elmo.
ERNIE Here, this'll make it easy for you!
Ernie lets loose his signature laugh again, and Elmo starts laughing too.
BERT (to Ernie) Let's see how *you* like it!
Bert pulls Ernie's nose off.
ERNIE OWWW! Hey, my nose isn't loose like yours!
BERT It is now!
ERNIE Oh yeah!
Ernie yanks Bert's hair off with a loud RI-I-I-IP!
BERT OWWWWWWW! WHY YOU-!
Bert rips off Ernie's hair.
ERNIE OWWWWWWW!
Elmo is still laughing hysterically. Bert responds by yanking Elmo's nose off.
ELMO AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
OSCAR HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I haven't laughed this much since Snuffleupagus got his trunk caught in a leaf-blower!
ELMO AAH, SHADDUP!
Elmo picks up Oscar's trash can lid and wallops Oscar upside the head with it, slams it down over Oscar's head, and starts banging rapidly on the can by using two microphones as drumsticks.
As a total free-for-all gets going full-swing on the stage, Springer gives up and addresses the camera:
SPRINGER And now for my final thought: You can never return to your childhood. Because if you try, *this* could happen.
ERNIE (in background) Hey Bert! You mother-BLEEP!-
Sound in the background of a chair smashing over someone's back.
SPRINGER On our next show: Cookie addiction. Is my guest's sweet-tooth turning him into a monster? Bye for now.
This episode of The Jerry Springer Show has been brought to you by the letters N and C, and by the number 17.