CANDID CAMERA- "Wizard Style" Files
File #1: The Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean Test
By Labyrinth Dumbledore
Okay. This is the official "Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean" test. We have placed a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans on a table in front of Headmaster Dumbledore's office, right next to the gargoyle. We've put a wizard video camera on the gargoyle, and the wizards and witches we're testing have no clue what's going on. In the bag of Every Flavored Beans, we've put all of the worst tasting flavors. But the students and teachers don't know that, and that's what makes this so fun. Let's see what they think of the beans…and the funny things they say!
Our first patient…
Harry Potter is approaching the table (well, we all knew that Harry Potter was going to be first. He's always first.) and he sees the bag. He looks to the right, then looks to the left. He looks at the ground, and then looks at the ceiling. GOD, HARRY, THERE'S NO TRAFFIC IN THE HALLWAY, DAMMIT! Sorry. Anyway, he's now reaching for the bag. He opens it up and raises his eyebrows. He reaches for a brown one. Harry is thinking that it's chocolate flavored. Think again, Potter.
Harry stuffs it in his mouth.
He's chewing.
He spits it out and says, "What the ****! It tastes like ****!"
Where in the world did Harry learn THAT?
Harry is now…wow- he's reaching for another one! He can't get enough of that dog crappy taste, eh?
He now picks up a tan/orange colored bean.
He puts it in his mouth.
What Harry doesn't know is that's one of Bertie's infamous earwax flavored beans.
"Hey. Is this supposed to be earwax? It doesn't taste like real earwax, fresh from the ear!"
Ew. Yuck. Harry knows some things that Bertie Bott doesn't know.
Harry has decided to leave. He closes the bag, looks to the left and to the right, and then runs away.
Our next tester is Professor McGonagall. She glances at the beans. She looks suspiciously at the gargoyle. Then, she opens the bag and takes out a green jellybean. She thinks it's lime-flavored. It's not! It's broccoli and that's the one thing in the world the Transfigurations teacher doesn't like to eat!
She bites off a small piece. She knows that she must keep to her diet or else she'll never lose weight. You always have to listen to Jenny Craig.
She gags.
Then she looks thoughtful. Secretly, we see that Snape is sneaking up on McGonagall. Without noticing, Professor McGonagall says,
"This tastes like earwax!"
Oh geez, are all of the characters getting high on earwax behind our backs?
We see Professor Snape waiting until McGonagall leaves, and then he approaches the bag. He takes one step toward it, looking to the left and to the right. He takes another step and sticks his nose in the bag. Oh, that is disgusting. Is he trying to break the record for stuffing the most beans up his nose? Well, Snape's nose emerges from the bag, and we see two beans up his nostrils. Oh, ICK!
Snape takes one of the beans out of his nose. It's yellow. God, is Snape really going to eat that? Our viewers aren't ready for this kind of sick stuff!
He puts the yellow bean in his mouth.
Oh gosh, it's one of the worst beans. It's vomit-flavored!
He chews it.
He grins.
"Hmm, not bad, not bad. I mean, it doesn't taste like it's supposed to, but maybe Feta Cheese tastes different when they squeeze it inside a bean!"
Snape thinks that barf tastes like a Greek cheese.
Maybe we should turn the camera off right now. The characters may get even sicker as we go along.
The next person we see after Snape skips off is Hermione Granger.
We don't want to ruin her reputation, now do we?
Hehehe…let's see what SHE does…
Hermione picks up the bag and examines it. She takes out a roll of parchment and she begins to…oh, seriously, she's taking notes!
She shoves the parchment back into her bag.
She reaches into the bag of beans.
She takes out a grey one.
Ooh, sardine flavored! Yum!
She chews. She swallows.
"I say, earwax is tasting ever so much better these days when they put it in candy!"
No comment.
Hermione takes out another one. Impressive. Earwax must taste a lot better when it's grey, but even better when it's…
Red. She's taking out a red bean. What are the odds of this bean tasting like blood?
She opens her mouth and eagerly drops the bean in.
She eats it…
Suddenly, Hermione's front teeth turn into fangs.
She licks her lips.
In a window far away, the sun comes up. She puts her hands over her eyes.
"I can't stand the sun!" She screams. She turns into a vampire bat and flies away.
Oh, this is so weird.
The next person is Ron Weasley. The boy who always wanted to be famous and secretly picked his nose on a daily schedule. It's a wonder that his nose doesn't bleed that often.
He sees the beans. He whistles and takes out a bean. It's tan. It's a booger-flavored bean! One of Ron's favorites, I would think.
He puts it in his mouth. Oh, I feel so sorry for him!
He chews it.
He giggles.
"It tastes like chicken!"
Ugh.
Ron suddenly turns into a frog and hops away.
What in the world…???
Next, we see Draco Malfoy. Ooh, this is gonna be good!
He sees the beans and sniffs.
Oh, so now he's too good for candy?
No wait, he's taking a bean.
It's yellow with green spots.
Draco is afraid that the bean will taste like a banana. He bites his lip, then quickly puts the bean in his mouth.
He chokes.
"It tastes like a banana!" He falls to the ground. He fainted. Funny he should have said that because that's one of the slug-flavored beans. Ha. Ha. Ha. Suddenly, Draco is wearing a dress and make-up. Huh? What's going on?
Pansy Parkinson leaps into the hallway. She's wearing a tunic and tights.
She looks like Prince Charming except she's not charming and she's a girl.
Draco looks like a male Sleeping Beauty.
I wonder what's going to happen…
Pansy leans over and smooches Draco.
Ew! Draco gets up and kicks Pansy in the behind.
The two glare at each other.
Pansy falls into Sleeping Beauty's arms.
They disappear.
Good, because this is getting too scary.
Next, we see Crabbe and Goyle. Crabbe is only wearing lingerie. Goyle is wearing pink frilly underwear and is wearing ballet shoes. Goyle is in Crabbe's arms.
Goyle gracefully leaps and lands in front of the beans.
Wow. Goyle is graceful. That's one I've never heard.
Goyle takes out a mahogany bean. He gazes lovingly at Crabbe and puts it in Crabbe's mouth. Crabbe chews and spits it out. It lands on Goyle's nose. Goyle sighs dreamily and wipes er…his/her nose.
"Goyle, dear, it tastes like wood." Crabbe comments.
"Yes, dear, I love you too." Goyle throws his/her arms around Crabbe's neck and the two live happily ever after.
Um…yeah.
Finally, Dumbledore comes out of his office. He sees the Every Flavor Beans.
"Ooh, I want one!" He whispers to himself. He takes out a bean. It's a weird white color.
Hmm…I'm thinking that's an onion-flavored bean.
Dumbledore chews.
Swallows.
"Earwax!"
A/N: Okay, I've decided to make a new little Candid Camera series only this is wizard style. Yes, if you're wondering it's HUMOR. I just got the idea from seeing Every Flavor Beans on the Rosie O' Donnell show. Boy, I really hate Rosie. She's such a dumb ass (excuse my bad language). Anyway, please R/R because I want to know what you think! I think it's very strange…one of my strangest fanfiction things. I'm making fun of a lot of the characters. I feel bad…well, anyway, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT???
Disclaimer: I own no one.