*Title: Updating the List
*Author: Jania Jitsu
*Disclaimer: ER doesn't belong to me, even though I asked Santa Claus
for a Carter last year.
*Feedback: jedi_padawan@n2trouble.com
*Summary: What is this mysterious List that all the women in County
seem to cherish, worship, and adore? Just a weird plot bunny I couldn't
get out of my head.
*Spoilers: Probably not.
*Season/Sequel Info: None.
*Rating: PG-ish
*Notes: The List has nothing to do with my personal preferences, except
for number one (which is kinda obvious). I just pretty much put stuff
on there. I tried to think how others would think about it. And I made
up half of them anyway. Don't concentrate on the actual list so much as
the humor. The Big Picture, people.
It was a magnificently slow day in County General ER and the
staff was enjoying the luxurious feeling of having virtually nothing to
do.
But there was something odd going on. All the women denied it,
but most of the men sensed it. Being men, it had taken them quite a
while to come to the conclusion that something was off, and even longer
to mention it to others.
Mark had begun to notice over the years he worked at County
General that, on extremely slow days, the women in the ER would somehow
end up in the bathroom. All of them.
They wouldn't all go at the same time. It would start with them
telling each other that it was time to update the List. Then they would
go, one or two at a time, to the women's bathroom, where they would
stay for at least twenty minutes before sneaking out again in ones and
twos.
Mark brought it up with Carter once, and found that Carter had
noticed the same thing. They asked Benton, who had subconsciously
noticed it, but hadn't really ever thought about it before. Dave and
Luka weren't around long enough to have really noticed, but they were
quite intrigued.
Unfortunately, there was no way to find out what was going on,
short of putting a camera in the bathroom.
"Hey," Randi said to Lydia in a low voice, "I was told to tell
you: it's time to Update the List."
Lydia nodded nonchalantly, like Randi had told her that she had
blonde hair. Then she went to go tell the others.
Abby had seen the list before, of course, as it was difficult
to miss. But she had never seen it being Updated. Supposedly Updating
was a very important part of the existence of the List.
"Now?" Abby asked impatiently.
"Wait for it," Jing-Mei said quietly. She looked up from the
book she was reading and surveyed the hall. There was no one in sight.
"Now."
They got up and walked quickly and quietly down the hall,
hoping to avoid anything male. Unfortunately, Abby knocked into a cart
carrying metal bedpans.
"Let's run for it," Jing-Mei hissed. But they didn't have
enough time.
"What happened?" a sleepy voice behind them asked.
Jing-Mei and Abby turned around to find Carter practically
sleepwalking out of the exam room he was napping in. His clothes were
wrinkled and his hair was messed up. He blinked as his eyes adjusted to
the light.
Jing-Mei nudged Abby, who nodded, wide-eyed. They were
definitely thinking about the same thing.
"Don't worry about it," Abby managed to say. "It was just an
accident. I knocked over this thing." She gestured over at the mess.
"Hey," Carter complained, "I'm supposed to be the klutzy one
here."
Jing-Mei laughed, albeit uneasily. "Go back to sleep," she
ordered.
Carter nodded and went back into the exam room.
"That was close," Abby said.
"Come on. We can pick this up later." Jing-Mei pulled Abby by
her wrist into the women's bathroom.
"We were starting to worry about you," Chuni said.
"Wouldn't miss this for anything. It's Abby's first Updating."
Everyone ooh-ed and ahh-ed. "But you should have seen Carter! We
accidentally woke him up."
"Yeah, right," everyone laughed. They knew how cute Carter was
when he had just woken up, so they didn't really believe it was an
accident.
"No, really!" Abby insisted. "I ran into a cart of bedpans."
This caused more laughter.
Dave Malucci paused before throwing another paper ball into the
wastebasket. "What d'you think's going on in there?" he asked as they
heard the distinct sound of female laughter.
Mark shrugged. "Dunno." They looked out the door of the lounge,
both intensely curious.
"All right," Elizabeth said, "as Acting Mediator in Kerry's
absence," which was very odd indeed, "I call this Updating to order."
Everyone quieted down immediately.
"Thank you. Carol- in loving remembrance of the List- has sent
us new photos of Doug from Seattle." Everyone cheered. "All right, all
right, calm down. I'll pass them 'round, along with the Christmas party
rolls. Then we'll decide if we need to Update."
"Aww," Haleh cooed, "look at Doug the family man!"
"I don't like the beard," Conni complained and most of the
others agreed.
"Are we all agreed, then," Elizabeth asked, "that this moves
Doug Ross down?"
There were nods all around the room. Elizabeth recorded the
information in the Doug Ross file and filed the picture.
"All right. Now is the time when I pass out the ballots and you
write what you think the Top Ten List should look like."
Abby looked at the wall by the mirror, where the Top Ten List
(just the List, for short) was. It was a revisable documentation that
recorded- what else?- the cutest staff members in County General. All
of the male staff in the ER were in the file, and some of the staff
from elsewhere were there too.
Abby looked at her ballot and chewed on her pen. Much as she
loved Luka, she would have to be honest. He wasn't number one. She
wrote down her version of the Top Ten List and put it in the "Ballot
Box"- an old shoebox that was kept in the bathroom.
Each of the women put her vote in. Elizabeth, Haleh, and
Jing-Mei got together to tally the votes.
"They've quieted down," Dave said. He had his ear pressed to
the door. "I can't here a thing."
"Wait-" Benton said, "I think I heard something about the top
ten."
"The top ten *what*?"
"I don't know," Benton said irritably, "they didn't say. Damn,
now I can't hear anything either."
"Oh, well," Mark said with defeat, "we did the best we could.
We had better go now, before they catch us."
"Do you think they've gone now?" Elizabeth asked in a quiet
voice.
Randi took her ear away from the door and nodded. "Yeah,
they're gone for sure. They've finally given up."
"Good. Back to business, then."
Everyone chattered excitedly for a bit, and Elizabeth waited
for them to quiet back down. She read off the List, sounding like a
sports commentor.
"There, now. At number ten, from Pedes: Kenneth LeBlanc!"
There were comments all around.
"At number nine, from Radiology: Steven Cornell!
"At number eight, Surgery's own Peter Benton!"
Cleo cheered. Everyone else just made the usual comments.
"Cardiology has number seven, with James York!
"Surgery is back, with Robert Demasi at number six!
"Our next man is gone, but certainly not forgotten. A man who
used to top the List, Doug Ross is fighting to stay in the top five!"
"Number four is from Psychology: Todd Munroe!
"And I am *very* pleased to announce that the top three cutest
males at Cook County General Hospital are all from the ER.
"Number three is . . . Dave Malucci!
"Number two is . . . Luka Kovac!"
Now it was Abby's turn to cheer, but this time everyone was
with her.
"And now, the cutie who, I've heard, has never left number one
since he knocked Doug Ross down seven years ago . . . surprise,
surprise, it's John Carter!"
Everyone cheered loudly. They very much supported this
decision.
Later that day- thirty minutes after everyone had left the
bathroom, actually- the ER picked up a bit. No one mentioned anything
about what had happened earlier, but the guys were waiting for their
next chance to find out just what went on in the women's bathroom.
The End
*Author: Jania Jitsu
*Disclaimer: ER doesn't belong to me, even though I asked Santa Claus
for a Carter last year.
*Feedback: jedi_padawan@n2trouble.com
*Summary: What is this mysterious List that all the women in County
seem to cherish, worship, and adore? Just a weird plot bunny I couldn't
get out of my head.
*Spoilers: Probably not.
*Season/Sequel Info: None.
*Rating: PG-ish
*Notes: The List has nothing to do with my personal preferences, except
for number one (which is kinda obvious). I just pretty much put stuff
on there. I tried to think how others would think about it. And I made
up half of them anyway. Don't concentrate on the actual list so much as
the humor. The Big Picture, people.
It was a magnificently slow day in County General ER and the
staff was enjoying the luxurious feeling of having virtually nothing to
do.
But there was something odd going on. All the women denied it,
but most of the men sensed it. Being men, it had taken them quite a
while to come to the conclusion that something was off, and even longer
to mention it to others.
Mark had begun to notice over the years he worked at County
General that, on extremely slow days, the women in the ER would somehow
end up in the bathroom. All of them.
They wouldn't all go at the same time. It would start with them
telling each other that it was time to update the List. Then they would
go, one or two at a time, to the women's bathroom, where they would
stay for at least twenty minutes before sneaking out again in ones and
twos.
Mark brought it up with Carter once, and found that Carter had
noticed the same thing. They asked Benton, who had subconsciously
noticed it, but hadn't really ever thought about it before. Dave and
Luka weren't around long enough to have really noticed, but they were
quite intrigued.
Unfortunately, there was no way to find out what was going on,
short of putting a camera in the bathroom.
"Hey," Randi said to Lydia in a low voice, "I was told to tell
you: it's time to Update the List."
Lydia nodded nonchalantly, like Randi had told her that she had
blonde hair. Then she went to go tell the others.
Abby had seen the list before, of course, as it was difficult
to miss. But she had never seen it being Updated. Supposedly Updating
was a very important part of the existence of the List.
"Now?" Abby asked impatiently.
"Wait for it," Jing-Mei said quietly. She looked up from the
book she was reading and surveyed the hall. There was no one in sight.
"Now."
They got up and walked quickly and quietly down the hall,
hoping to avoid anything male. Unfortunately, Abby knocked into a cart
carrying metal bedpans.
"Let's run for it," Jing-Mei hissed. But they didn't have
enough time.
"What happened?" a sleepy voice behind them asked.
Jing-Mei and Abby turned around to find Carter practically
sleepwalking out of the exam room he was napping in. His clothes were
wrinkled and his hair was messed up. He blinked as his eyes adjusted to
the light.
Jing-Mei nudged Abby, who nodded, wide-eyed. They were
definitely thinking about the same thing.
"Don't worry about it," Abby managed to say. "It was just an
accident. I knocked over this thing." She gestured over at the mess.
"Hey," Carter complained, "I'm supposed to be the klutzy one
here."
Jing-Mei laughed, albeit uneasily. "Go back to sleep," she
ordered.
Carter nodded and went back into the exam room.
"That was close," Abby said.
"Come on. We can pick this up later." Jing-Mei pulled Abby by
her wrist into the women's bathroom.
"We were starting to worry about you," Chuni said.
"Wouldn't miss this for anything. It's Abby's first Updating."
Everyone ooh-ed and ahh-ed. "But you should have seen Carter! We
accidentally woke him up."
"Yeah, right," everyone laughed. They knew how cute Carter was
when he had just woken up, so they didn't really believe it was an
accident.
"No, really!" Abby insisted. "I ran into a cart of bedpans."
This caused more laughter.
Dave Malucci paused before throwing another paper ball into the
wastebasket. "What d'you think's going on in there?" he asked as they
heard the distinct sound of female laughter.
Mark shrugged. "Dunno." They looked out the door of the lounge,
both intensely curious.
"All right," Elizabeth said, "as Acting Mediator in Kerry's
absence," which was very odd indeed, "I call this Updating to order."
Everyone quieted down immediately.
"Thank you. Carol- in loving remembrance of the List- has sent
us new photos of Doug from Seattle." Everyone cheered. "All right, all
right, calm down. I'll pass them 'round, along with the Christmas party
rolls. Then we'll decide if we need to Update."
"Aww," Haleh cooed, "look at Doug the family man!"
"I don't like the beard," Conni complained and most of the
others agreed.
"Are we all agreed, then," Elizabeth asked, "that this moves
Doug Ross down?"
There were nods all around the room. Elizabeth recorded the
information in the Doug Ross file and filed the picture.
"All right. Now is the time when I pass out the ballots and you
write what you think the Top Ten List should look like."
Abby looked at the wall by the mirror, where the Top Ten List
(just the List, for short) was. It was a revisable documentation that
recorded- what else?- the cutest staff members in County General. All
of the male staff in the ER were in the file, and some of the staff
from elsewhere were there too.
Abby looked at her ballot and chewed on her pen. Much as she
loved Luka, she would have to be honest. He wasn't number one. She
wrote down her version of the Top Ten List and put it in the "Ballot
Box"- an old shoebox that was kept in the bathroom.
Each of the women put her vote in. Elizabeth, Haleh, and
Jing-Mei got together to tally the votes.
"They've quieted down," Dave said. He had his ear pressed to
the door. "I can't here a thing."
"Wait-" Benton said, "I think I heard something about the top
ten."
"The top ten *what*?"
"I don't know," Benton said irritably, "they didn't say. Damn,
now I can't hear anything either."
"Oh, well," Mark said with defeat, "we did the best we could.
We had better go now, before they catch us."
"Do you think they've gone now?" Elizabeth asked in a quiet
voice.
Randi took her ear away from the door and nodded. "Yeah,
they're gone for sure. They've finally given up."
"Good. Back to business, then."
Everyone chattered excitedly for a bit, and Elizabeth waited
for them to quiet back down. She read off the List, sounding like a
sports commentor.
"There, now. At number ten, from Pedes: Kenneth LeBlanc!"
There were comments all around.
"At number nine, from Radiology: Steven Cornell!
"At number eight, Surgery's own Peter Benton!"
Cleo cheered. Everyone else just made the usual comments.
"Cardiology has number seven, with James York!
"Surgery is back, with Robert Demasi at number six!
"Our next man is gone, but certainly not forgotten. A man who
used to top the List, Doug Ross is fighting to stay in the top five!"
"Number four is from Psychology: Todd Munroe!
"And I am *very* pleased to announce that the top three cutest
males at Cook County General Hospital are all from the ER.
"Number three is . . . Dave Malucci!
"Number two is . . . Luka Kovac!"
Now it was Abby's turn to cheer, but this time everyone was
with her.
"And now, the cutie who, I've heard, has never left number one
since he knocked Doug Ross down seven years ago . . . surprise,
surprise, it's John Carter!"
Everyone cheered loudly. They very much supported this
decision.
Later that day- thirty minutes after everyone had left the
bathroom, actually- the ER picked up a bit. No one mentioned anything
about what had happened earlier, but the guys were waiting for their
next chance to find out just what went on in the women's bathroom.
The End