Roads
Roads
Chapter One
by VC
DISCLAIMER: They're not mine...blah blah...enjoy
Daniel had felt a sudden lapse in commitment to the SGC. Things weren't working out. He kept telling himself they were, but they weren't. It seemed as though that stone ring in the mountain was sucking away at the rest of his life. He had already lost Sha're. He didn't have much more left. He couldn't bear thinking about what the next loss could be. He had been unbearably alone for so long and then he found himself with family again. First on Abydos, he had found a wife, a brother a father. For the first time he had kin. And then he came back without Sha're, dreading the loneliness he had left behind. But Jack, Sam and Teal'c had made him forget he was alone. They had given him a family. Sam had become the sister he'd never had. Teal'c had somehow managed to get past Daniel's hurt to give him a brother; a brother who always seemed to be looking out for him. And Jack? What had Jack given him? Jack was his best friend. He loved Jack. It was simple really. His best friend.
If he loved this family so much, then why was he thinking about running as far away as possible from his life? Where was this emptiness coming from? It was as though he had a massive hole in the middle of his stomach. As though someone had shot him with a staff weapon and forgotten to mention it. It seemed that every morning he came into work expecting the biggest happiness of his life to descend on him and instead found evidence of how empty and lonely his life was. Some days he still felt as though today they would find Sha're. Jack had seen it. He had seen that look in Daniel's eyes as he would stare at the wormhole, so full of expectations and then the way his eyes would dull on remembering there was no one left to find. Except for the child. The child that Sha're had given birth to and left behind as a screaming reminder of Daniel's failure. In his heart, Daniel wasn't sure if he could ever face finding the child.
-
"Daniel!"
Daniel jerked awake, glasses at awkward angle and bewildered expression on his face. He looked up to see Jack who had an amused look on his face.
"Comfortable?" Jack said casually.
"Yes. Very," Daniel replied dryly, trying not show his annoyance at Jack's amusement.
"That's nice. What is it? Some kind of archaeologist fashion?" Jack pointed at Daniel's face.
Daniel frowned.
Jack broke out into a grin and reached towards Daniel's face and then gave a hard yank on the paper that was stuck to it.
Daniel flinched at a slight sting on his face and then grabbed the paper that Jack was dangling in front of him, "Oh. Thanks."
Daniel wearily got up and made his way to the sink.
"So...whatcha doin...besides drooling all over your books," Jack followed behind.
"I wasn't drooling," Daniel said flatly as he took off his glasses and handed them to Jack.
Jack took the glasses and leant against the wall, "So...you planned anything for leave yet?"
Daniel wiped his face and took the glasses, "Uh..."
"Daniel?"
Daniel put his glasses on and gave a peevish look.
"I'm assuming it hasn't escaped your attention that we have leave in two weeks."
"No, it hasn't," Daniel said obviously annoyed as he headed towards the coffee pot, "Why?"
"No reason. Just wondering what you've got planned."
Daniel tilted the pot towards Jack. Jack waved it away. Daniel filled his cup foregoing sugar and milk and went back to the table.
"Actually, I was thinking about catching up with some stuff here. There's quite a...back...log...what? What? Why are you looking at me like that?" Daniel said noticing Jack rolling his eyes and then giving him a long hard stare.
"I'm sorry. Did you just tell me you're spending your leave...here?"
"Well...I"
"That's what you said."
"Jack," Daniel said his voice a warning not to start the old geek argument.
"Daniel?" Jack mimicked.
"Jack?" Daniel threw Jack an annoyed look.
"Daniel?" Jack repeated provoking another annoyed look out of Daniel.
"Lemme ask you something. Do you ever take leave of anything but your senses?"
"Gee Jack. That's right up there with plant boy and flake in your witty repertoire. You sure you make this stuff up yourself?"
Jack threw Daniel a dirty look, "My point, Daniel, is..."
Daniel looked up from his book and gave his undivided attention, "What Jack? What is your point?"
"Well...you should take a break. Kick back. Use the time to have a little fun. You know what fun is don't ya?"
"Right. No, you're absolutely right. Fun. Oh, okay. I know. I'll visit my parents. No, wait. They're dead. I could always visit my foster parents..."
"Daniel..."
"No wait. They're dead too. I could always spend time with my wife."
"Daniel?"
"No...I forgot. She's also...dead. Right?"
"Daniel?" Jack said softly.
Daniel gave a small smile at the sad look on Jack's face. Jack stared back as if he could find the answers in Daniel's sad eyes.
Jack sighed, "Wanna go fishing?"
"With you?"
"No...with Daffy Duck. Yeah, me."
"Why? Sam turn you down?" Daniel smiled and went back to the book in front of him.
"No. I haven't asked her. Yet."
"Yet. Right. Well incase you do I'll say no. Three is a crowd."
"I doubt that Carter's gonna be interested Daniel. She'll probably be doing something with Frasier and Cassie. Teal'c'll probably take the time to visit his kid, which leaves you...and me."
"Right," Daniel said quietly.
"Well?"
"I dunno Jack. I'm not much of a fisherman."
Jack frowned, "What's that got to do with fishing?"
Daniel laughed, "I...have no idea."
"Look, we'll talk about it when you come over. Think about it until then. Huckleberry Finn, hunkering down by a river, chilled beer. Hey, I'll even get you a straw hat," Jack grinned.
"Sure," Daniel nodded, "I'll think about it."
Jack smiled and nodded in triumph, "'Kay! Well...I'll see you later then. And Daniel?"
"Yeah."
"You were drooling."
~
Jack almost jumped when he heard the doorbell. He rolled his eyes at his jumpiness and muttered, "For cryin' out loud...he's your best friend, not your date. Get a grip Jack. And for God's sake...stop talking to yourself."
Jack took a deep breath and headed towards the door, stopping briefly in front of the mirror to check himself out. On realizing exactly what he was doing, he rolled his eyes at the image in the mirror and then pointing at it he said, "Stop. That's an order."
"Hey," Daniel said looking neat in his beige chinos and white shirt, as the door opened
Jack smiled, "Dr Jackson."
"Get you a beer?" Jack said as they made it to the living room.
Daniel sat down on the couch, "Uh...got anything else?"
"Sure...beer."
"Oh, okay. I'll have a beer in that case."
"Good choice," Jack said as he left for the kitchen.
Daniel sunk into the couch feeling more at ease here than anywhere else. He still remembered the first night back from Abydos and how Jack and brought him home, like a stray that had been abandoned with nowhere to go. He hadn't even thought about it for a moment. He had simply brought him back and given him a home for as long as it took for Daniel to get back on his feet. Jack O'Neill was a good man. An officer and gentleman. Daniel smiled at the thought.
"What's this? Taking a nap?" Jack's voice jolted Daniel awake.
Daniel sat up and frowned, "Don't tell me I fell asleep," he said taking a beer from Jack.
Jack headed towards the chair in front of the window, "'Fraid so. What's going on with you?"
Daniel put the bottle on the coffee table, "I dunno. Just tired I guess."
"Tired? This is like the fifth time I've caught you doing this. If I hadn't kicked you under the table, you would've fallen asleep in the briefing on Monday."
Daniel grimaced at the memory, "Yeah."
"So?"
"So what?"
"So...what's going on Daniel?"
"Nothing. I told you. I'm just tired."
"No. There's something else. Like today, when you blew up in your office. About your parents and Sha're."
"Pop psyche 101?" Daniel throwing Jack's long used words at him.
"Sure. Spill. Something's up. I can tell."
Daniel sighed and leaned back as he took a long look at the neat living room. He never realized how spartan it seemed. A few personal belongings, but nothing that really said anything about the man that lived there. It was the total opposite of his apartment.
"You're missing them. Right?" Jack said with alarming gentleness.
Daniel turned to look at Jack, "No more than usual."
"Then?"
"Ah..." Daniel gave up and just smiled.
"Come on Daniel...this is me."
Daniel's face lost the smile and he reached for the beer taking a long swig.
"I uh...I've been thinking about taking a little hiatus maybe."
"Nothing wrong with that."
"I was thinking maybe a year, maybe two..."
"What?!"
"Maybe for good."
"WHAT!" Jack put his beer down and sat up, staring open mouthed.
"Jack look..."
"Why?"
"I dunno...I...just need to get away."
"Daniel? You opened that gate. That gate is your life's work. What do you intend to do instead of work for the SGC?"
"I dunno. Find a dig. Write a thesis that won't get me laughed out of the academic community. Have a life that doesn't involve killing, dying or watching people die. A life that doesn't involve stupid military restrictions and...agendas."
"Again...why?"
"Why? I just told you why. I want to get some sense of normality back into my life."
Jack shook his head, "Okay...you lost me."
Daniel closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as he desperately tried to think of an explanation. To be honest he himself didn't know why he wanted to leave.
"It's like...like something's missing and the SGC just doesn't make up for it anymore."
Jack's face scrunched up as he tried to figure out what Daniel was saying.
"Missing? Daniel, let me remind you of your life prior to the SGC. You were being laughed at by people for something that turned out to be true. You figured out how to use a gate that transports us to new worlds. You helped kill Ra and free the people of Abydos..."
"I caused Sha're's death. If we had never gone to that planet she probably would have married some decent guy, had a family and grown old. We killed Ra and made Earth a goa'uld magnet. We are party to the world's biggest secret. The world's biggest hope and the world's biggest enemy. Sometimes I just don't want to know anymore. I just want to be one of those people walking down the street with nothing more to worry about than paying the bills."
Jack laughed and shook his head, "Right. Because it's that easy. Daniel...you'd be back in five minutes. You need that place more than it needs you."
"That's probably true. I just need to figure it out for myself."
"And what about that promise you made to Sha're? You said you'd find the kid. What about that?"
Daniel looked away. He wouldn't be able to say he didn't care if Jack was looking at him. He knew there was no hope. He knew that looking for the Harsesis was a task greater than a needle in a haystack. It was near impossible.
"Well? You just gonna back out on your promise?"
"No. You'll still be there. Right?"
"So you disappear and I find the kid," Jack said quietly, "What makes you so sure that I'll find him?"
"Because you promised you'd find Sha're and Skaara and I believed you. And I know that even though you don't believe in the Harsesis, you'll try your best to find him," Daniel's voice was quiet and level, his eyes sincere, "I trust you with my life Jack."
Jack nodded slowly, "And if I find him?"
"When...you find him, maybe I'll drop by."
"Maybe? Drop by? Gee, you sure you're not over investing there? Come on Daniel! This is Sha're's kid we're talkin about."
Daniel felt a wave of emotion wash over him. He could see his innocent wife's dead face. He could also see the evil glow in her eyes. And he remembered her giving birth to Apophis's child. And against his better judgment he had felt so much anger as he held the child. Maybe the truth was he didn't want to find the Harsesis at all. Maybe this was the end of the line.
"Sometimes...I wish I could take back every mistake I ever made," Daniel whispered as though he was far away.
"We all do," Jack said as his mind conjured up his own demons.
"Have you ever wondered Jack? What would've happened if we never opened that gate? What kind of lives we would have led? It would have been so different."
"Yes. It would have been completely different. You'd still be getting laughed at and I..." Jack suddenly stopped.
Daniel looked up, "What? You'd what?"
"It doesn't matter. The point is, I like the way things are Daniel. I like having a job I love. I like going to it every day and seeing Carter. Seeing Teal'c. Seeing you."
Daniel closed his eyes as his stomach lurched.
"I like being a part of something and I know you do too. Look. This hiatus idea. Maybe it's a good idea. Maybe you should take off for a while. A few months maybe. But that's all. You're still getting over Sha're, you're confused. It happens. Believe me I know. Just don't do something you might regret."
Daniel opened his eyes and stared at Jack. No wisecracks. No overbearing colonel attitude. Just Jack. If anything had kept him with the SGC this long it had been Jack. But he needed more. His life was beginning to feel unbearably empty. Friends weren't enough. New worlds weren't important if there was no one to come back home to. The always-empty apartment was like a dark blanket of despair that suffocated him every night. It seemed to feed off his loneliness. At least there had been a chance once of finding Sha're and having a home. The kind of home built on bonds and beating hearts and not out of cold hard bricks. If his fate was loneliness then he would a find a nice sandy dig to spend it. Not the SGC.
"Tell me you'll think about this," Jack said gently.
Daniel nodded and managed a small smile, "I'll think about it."
Jack sighed with relief and leant back in the chair as though the situation had been resolved for good.
"And besides, you can't leave, You'd miss us too much," Jack grinned.
"You think so?"
"Sure. I mean who wouldn't miss Teal'c's stories and jokes? You'll never find a chatterbox like him. And there's Carter with her love life. Once you're out of that loop you're out for good. And you'll miss out on all those drug freebies courtesy of Frasier. No more Prozac candy? And Hammond, you'll never find a boss as laid back and cool as that guy. Am I right or am I right?"
Daniel laughed, something that made Jack's nerves settle even further. Daniel laughing was a good sign since it was rarer than a full eclipse.
"Of course, I didn't consider all that," Daniel drank some more of his beer and then added quietly, "And what about you Jack? Will I miss anything about you?"
Jack stared at his beer as he tried to unsuccessfully peel the label off. His face was unreadable as he quietly spoke, "I dunno Daniel," he looked up, "Would you miss anything about me?"
Daniel knew the answer to that was everything. He'd miss the bad tempered salty remarks. He'd miss the dismissive attitude towards all things of cultural significance. He'd also miss how Jack could tell someone he cared with one look. He would miss that he had never had to doubt Jack, because he could see how much Jack cared about his friends. How could he forget sitting on the floor of the storeroom after trying to blow Jack's head off? How could he forget that raging pain and need he had felt for the sarcophagus? How could he forget the tough military colonel putting his arms around him and simply absorbing the grief he had felt? Jack was his best friend and he loved him. His heart broke just at the thought of separation.
Daniel smiled at Jack, "No Jack, I wouldn't miss a thing," he said quietly.
Jack laughed, his eyes sparkling and understanding the answer, "Geek."
"Neantherdal."
~
Daniel had the letter of resignation in his pocket. He had thought about it all night. He had decided he would hand it to the general and then say his farewells. The night before had simply further helped in making up his mind. He couldn't see himself forging a life in the SGC. His parents had spent their young lives in digs chasing one hidden truth or another and they had ultimately left their child with no memories to cherish. They were respected academics, but their parenting wouldn't have won them any diplomas. Daniel wanted a life. Not an obsession. And that was what Sha're had left behind in the guise of the Harsesis child. An obsession.
"Hey Daniel," Sam said rounding a corner.
"Sam. Hi," Daniel gave a small smile.
"You okay?" Sam frowned, gently cupping his shoulder.
"Yeah, just tired I guess," Daniel said.
"Hey listen, me and Janet were gonna have a drink after work but the colonel kind of invited himself. He said something about drunk chicks. Wanna join us? Teal'c's coming."
Daniel thought about it for a second and realized it may be the ideal time to tell everyone about his intentions.
"Yeah sure I'll..." Daniel was cut short as the klaxons blared to life. Sam and Daniel stood back and watched as armed personnel made their way to the gate room. "Guess we better check it out," Sam said.
~
"What happen?" Sam said entering the control room.
"Bra'tac just came through with an injured Jaffa. Doctor Fraser's taking care of it right now," General Hammond said as he headed towards the stairs, "Teal'c's with them."
"Did Bra'tac say what happen?" Daniel said following behind Sam.
"No. I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's something we could do without."
~
Everyone was assembled in the gate room ready to go to Kheb and find the Harsesis child. Everyone except Daniel.
Jack shook his head and sighed.
"Sir I'll go take a look," Sam said.
"No...no. You guys wait up. I'll be back with Daniel in five."
Jack was ready to burst into the lockers and re-lecture Daniel on the virtues of punctuality when he saw Daniel sitting on the bench, dressed and ready, just staring at the floor. Jack decided maybe the sarcastic or shouting at top of his voice approach was something to avoid. Jack swung his gun over his hip and sat down next to Daniel. Daniel didn't look up.
"I'm not sure what happen," Daniel said quietly.
Jack nodded, "Maybe you're just a little scared that this might turn out to be a wild goose chase...or not."
Daniel looked up at Jack and frowned, "Or not?"
"If we find this kid...the Harsesis, he's carryin around all the knowledge of the goa'uld. That's gotta be a little scary."
Daniel nodded. Jack was right. It was more than frightening.
"Jack, he'll still be a baby. What are we going to do while we're waiting for him to grow up?"
Jack shrugged and smiled, "Dunno. Teach him to play ball. Take him to the hockey playoffs. Cool stuff."
Daniel's face fell, "Right. Is that before or after the NID come over take him out of our hands?"
"Hammond wouldn't let that happen."
"It's not always in his hands Jack. Even if they don't take him away, what kind of a life will he have growing up in a mountain?"
"He doesn't have to grow up in the mountain. Cassie didn't."
Daniel looked away. Jack could clearly see there was something Daniel wanted to say but couldn't. It didn't take a genius to figure out what.
"You don't want to take care of him?" Jack said quietly.
Daniel didn't answer.
"Daniel?"
"I don't know. It's not that I don't want to. I'm not sure if I could. What do I know about kids?"
"Nothing. But then no one does until they have one."
"Jack I..."
"Daniel. It's okay. You don't have to go into this. There's time for this later."
"I don't want you to think I'm ..."
"I don't. It can't be easy for you to be looking for your wife's kid. For Apophis's kid. No one expects you to be a saint Daniel. You're human like the rest of us."
Jack got up and placed his hand on Daniel's shoulder, "You'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Come on, let's go."
~
Bra'tac, Daniel and Jack were inside the temple as Sam and Teal'c walked around the grounds. It was a serene place. Sam couldn't figure out how the dead Jaffa had ended up in such a state. Nothing in their surroundings indicted that there was someone around capable of causing that kind of damage.
"What do you think Teal'c?" Sam said walking past the entrance again. Teal'c turned and looked at her.
"It is too early to say. But if this indeed is the Kheb that DanielJackson speaks of, the days of the goa'uld are small in number."
"Yeah. I hope so. Plus...I think Daniel could do with some good news."
Teal'c nodded slowly, "Yes. He has been quite subdued of late. He still mourns for Sha're."
Sam could see a small flicker of guilt and pain on Teal'c's face as he mentioned Sha're's name. Everyone had been so concerned with Daniel coping with Sha're's death, no one had paid any thought to what Teal'c was going through. Especially with Teal'c's philosophy that he could deal with any trauma without anyones help. But Sam had seen the burden that Teal'c carried. Sometimes he physically looked as though he carried the weight of his guilt on his shoulders.
"Teal'c?"
"It is nothing," Teal'c said quietly.
"He'll be fine Teal'c. Daniel's much stronger than he looks. You did what you had to do. And besides. He doesn't want help from us."
"I do not understand."
Sam sighed, "It's nothing. Just a hunch. Unfortunately it's a hunch you can't ask about and I'm not allowed to tell about."
The corner of Teal'c's mouth went up in a small smile. Sam smiled back.
"What?" Sam said intrigued.
"Unfortunately MajorCarter it is something you can not ask me about, and I cannot speak of."
"Oh man. I think the only two that haven't caught on to it are Colonel O'Neill and Daniel," Sam muttered and took another walk.
~
Daniel put the child back into his cradle. For a moment he had held the child and felt Sha're's presence again. He had been afraid of hating the child. But the hate never came. Perhaps when the monk had spoken about Daniel's hate killing the child, he had meant in more than one way. Without that hate he was able to see that the child would be safer with those that cared for him now. He thanked the alien and walked back through the wall only to come face to face with the monk. Daniel looked back at the wall and then at the monk.
"There is no deception. We are more than one."
Daniel nodded, "I guess me and my friends should go now."
The monk gave a small bow of his head, "Your intention is to turn your back on the child forever?"
Daniel looked back stunned, "No..."
"The child is safe Daniel, but that is not a reason for you to run away."
"What do you mean?"
"When you see without eyes you see more than eyes can ever see. You feel your promise has been fulfilled and you will now hide from the choices of your life."
Daniel stood, mouth open and unable to speak.
"What do you run from Daniel?"
"I don't know. All I know is I can't stay."
"Then you run from yourself. From who you are."
"Perhaps."
"Your running will not undo that which is done."
"I'm not trying to undo anything."
"Your wish to forget stems from your need to undo that which has already happened."
Daniel thought for a moment and then nodded, "Maybe there are choices I wish I'd never made."
The monk smiled gently, his eyes glowing with a serene warmth, "Daniel...all roads lead to the ultimate end."
Daniel frowned, "I don't believe that. Every choice you make creates another future. I've seen proof of it."
The monk's smile didn't falter, "In every reality Daniel, all choices lead to an ultimate end. You can not escape it."
"And uh...what do you know about other realities?"
"I know nothing Daniel. I simply see what is there."
"Right," Daniel smiled and nodded, "I have to go. Thank you for what you've done for the boy."
Daniel started to walk away.
"What if I were to show you?"
Daniel stopped. He turned and looked at the monk, "Show me what?"
"The road not traveled."
"I don't understand."
"What if I were to put time back into your hands? To undo the choices of the past."
"How could you do that? That's not poss..."
"Time means nothing to Oma Dasala. She is timeless. She is time."
The monk walked up to Daniel so they only stood inches from each other.
"Daniel...Do you still trust?"
Daniel looked at the wall behind which he knew the Harsesis lay, "How can't I?"
"Then...make your choices..." he said bringing his hand up to Daniel's forehead.
His fingers touched Daniel's forehead like burning metal that was boring it's way into his skull. Daniel let out a cry of pain as he sank to his knees. His hands went up to grip the monks wrist as he tried to push the hand away. But he could do nothing. All he could do was witness the room slowly disappearing into white light. After a while he could do no more than succumb to the light as his senses faded and he dropped back on to the floor and into unconsciousness.
Daniel had felt a sudden lapse in commitment to the SGC. Things weren't working out. He kept telling himself they were, but they weren't. It seemed as though that stone ring in the mountain was sucking away at the rest of his life. He had already lost Sha're. He didn't have much more left. He couldn't bear thinking about what the next loss could be. He had been unbearably alone for so long and then he found himself with family again. First on Abydos, he had found a wife, a brother a father. For the first time he had kin. And then he came back without Sha're, dreading the loneliness he had left behind. But Jack, Sam and Teal'c had made him forget he was alone. They had given him a family. Sam had become the sister he'd never had. Teal'c had somehow managed to get past Daniel's hurt to give him a brother; a brother who always seemed to be looking out for him. And Jack? What had Jack given him? Jack was his best friend. He loved Jack. It was simple really. His best friend.
If he loved this family so much, then why was he thinking about running as far away as possible from his life? Where was this emptiness coming from? It was as though he had a massive hole in the middle of his stomach. As though someone had shot him with a staff weapon and forgotten to mention it. It seemed that every morning he came into work expecting the biggest happiness of his life to descend on him and instead found evidence of how empty and lonely his life was. Some days he still felt as though today they would find Sha're. Jack had seen it. He had seen that look in Daniel's eyes as he would stare at the wormhole, so full of expectations and then the way his eyes would dull on remembering there was no one left to find. Except for the child. The child that Sha're had given birth to and left behind as a screaming reminder of Daniel's failure. In his heart, Daniel wasn't sure if he could ever face finding the child.
-
"Daniel!"
Daniel jerked awake, glasses at awkward angle and bewildered expression on his face. He looked up to see Jack who had an amused look on his face.
"Comfortable?" Jack said casually.
"Yes. Very," Daniel replied dryly, trying not show his annoyance at Jack's amusement.
"That's nice. What is it? Some kind of archaeologist fashion?" Jack pointed at Daniel's face.
Daniel frowned.
Jack broke out into a grin and reached towards Daniel's face and then gave a hard yank on the paper that was stuck to it.
Daniel flinched at a slight sting on his face and then grabbed the paper that Jack was dangling in front of him, "Oh. Thanks."
Daniel wearily got up and made his way to the sink.
"So...whatcha doin...besides drooling all over your books," Jack followed behind.
"I wasn't drooling," Daniel said flatly as he took off his glasses and handed them to Jack.
Jack took the glasses and leant against the wall, "So...you planned anything for leave yet?"
Daniel wiped his face and took the glasses, "Uh..."
"Daniel?"
Daniel put his glasses on and gave a peevish look.
"I'm assuming it hasn't escaped your attention that we have leave in two weeks."
"No, it hasn't," Daniel said obviously annoyed as he headed towards the coffee pot, "Why?"
"No reason. Just wondering what you've got planned."
Daniel tilted the pot towards Jack. Jack waved it away. Daniel filled his cup foregoing sugar and milk and went back to the table.
"Actually, I was thinking about catching up with some stuff here. There's quite a...back...log...what? What? Why are you looking at me like that?" Daniel said noticing Jack rolling his eyes and then giving him a long hard stare.
"I'm sorry. Did you just tell me you're spending your leave...here?"
"Well...I"
"That's what you said."
"Jack," Daniel said his voice a warning not to start the old geek argument.
"Daniel?" Jack mimicked.
"Jack?" Daniel threw Jack an annoyed look.
"Daniel?" Jack repeated provoking another annoyed look out of Daniel.
"Lemme ask you something. Do you ever take leave of anything but your senses?"
"Gee Jack. That's right up there with plant boy and flake in your witty repertoire. You sure you make this stuff up yourself?"
Jack threw Daniel a dirty look, "My point, Daniel, is..."
Daniel looked up from his book and gave his undivided attention, "What Jack? What is your point?"
"Well...you should take a break. Kick back. Use the time to have a little fun. You know what fun is don't ya?"
"Right. No, you're absolutely right. Fun. Oh, okay. I know. I'll visit my parents. No, wait. They're dead. I could always visit my foster parents..."
"Daniel..."
"No wait. They're dead too. I could always spend time with my wife."
"Daniel?"
"No...I forgot. She's also...dead. Right?"
"Daniel?" Jack said softly.
Daniel gave a small smile at the sad look on Jack's face. Jack stared back as if he could find the answers in Daniel's sad eyes.
Jack sighed, "Wanna go fishing?"
"With you?"
"No...with Daffy Duck. Yeah, me."
"Why? Sam turn you down?" Daniel smiled and went back to the book in front of him.
"No. I haven't asked her. Yet."
"Yet. Right. Well incase you do I'll say no. Three is a crowd."
"I doubt that Carter's gonna be interested Daniel. She'll probably be doing something with Frasier and Cassie. Teal'c'll probably take the time to visit his kid, which leaves you...and me."
"Right," Daniel said quietly.
"Well?"
"I dunno Jack. I'm not much of a fisherman."
Jack frowned, "What's that got to do with fishing?"
Daniel laughed, "I...have no idea."
"Look, we'll talk about it when you come over. Think about it until then. Huckleberry Finn, hunkering down by a river, chilled beer. Hey, I'll even get you a straw hat," Jack grinned.
"Sure," Daniel nodded, "I'll think about it."
Jack smiled and nodded in triumph, "'Kay! Well...I'll see you later then. And Daniel?"
"Yeah."
"You were drooling."
~
Jack almost jumped when he heard the doorbell. He rolled his eyes at his jumpiness and muttered, "For cryin' out loud...he's your best friend, not your date. Get a grip Jack. And for God's sake...stop talking to yourself."
Jack took a deep breath and headed towards the door, stopping briefly in front of the mirror to check himself out. On realizing exactly what he was doing, he rolled his eyes at the image in the mirror and then pointing at it he said, "Stop. That's an order."
"Hey," Daniel said looking neat in his beige chinos and white shirt, as the door opened
Jack smiled, "Dr Jackson."
"Get you a beer?" Jack said as they made it to the living room.
Daniel sat down on the couch, "Uh...got anything else?"
"Sure...beer."
"Oh, okay. I'll have a beer in that case."
"Good choice," Jack said as he left for the kitchen.
Daniel sunk into the couch feeling more at ease here than anywhere else. He still remembered the first night back from Abydos and how Jack and brought him home, like a stray that had been abandoned with nowhere to go. He hadn't even thought about it for a moment. He had simply brought him back and given him a home for as long as it took for Daniel to get back on his feet. Jack O'Neill was a good man. An officer and gentleman. Daniel smiled at the thought.
"What's this? Taking a nap?" Jack's voice jolted Daniel awake.
Daniel sat up and frowned, "Don't tell me I fell asleep," he said taking a beer from Jack.
Jack headed towards the chair in front of the window, "'Fraid so. What's going on with you?"
Daniel put the bottle on the coffee table, "I dunno. Just tired I guess."
"Tired? This is like the fifth time I've caught you doing this. If I hadn't kicked you under the table, you would've fallen asleep in the briefing on Monday."
Daniel grimaced at the memory, "Yeah."
"So?"
"So what?"
"So...what's going on Daniel?"
"Nothing. I told you. I'm just tired."
"No. There's something else. Like today, when you blew up in your office. About your parents and Sha're."
"Pop psyche 101?" Daniel throwing Jack's long used words at him.
"Sure. Spill. Something's up. I can tell."
Daniel sighed and leaned back as he took a long look at the neat living room. He never realized how spartan it seemed. A few personal belongings, but nothing that really said anything about the man that lived there. It was the total opposite of his apartment.
"You're missing them. Right?" Jack said with alarming gentleness.
Daniel turned to look at Jack, "No more than usual."
"Then?"
"Ah..." Daniel gave up and just smiled.
"Come on Daniel...this is me."
Daniel's face lost the smile and he reached for the beer taking a long swig.
"I uh...I've been thinking about taking a little hiatus maybe."
"Nothing wrong with that."
"I was thinking maybe a year, maybe two..."
"What?!"
"Maybe for good."
"WHAT!" Jack put his beer down and sat up, staring open mouthed.
"Jack look..."
"Why?"
"I dunno...I...just need to get away."
"Daniel? You opened that gate. That gate is your life's work. What do you intend to do instead of work for the SGC?"
"I dunno. Find a dig. Write a thesis that won't get me laughed out of the academic community. Have a life that doesn't involve killing, dying or watching people die. A life that doesn't involve stupid military restrictions and...agendas."
"Again...why?"
"Why? I just told you why. I want to get some sense of normality back into my life."
Jack shook his head, "Okay...you lost me."
Daniel closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as he desperately tried to think of an explanation. To be honest he himself didn't know why he wanted to leave.
"It's like...like something's missing and the SGC just doesn't make up for it anymore."
Jack's face scrunched up as he tried to figure out what Daniel was saying.
"Missing? Daniel, let me remind you of your life prior to the SGC. You were being laughed at by people for something that turned out to be true. You figured out how to use a gate that transports us to new worlds. You helped kill Ra and free the people of Abydos..."
"I caused Sha're's death. If we had never gone to that planet she probably would have married some decent guy, had a family and grown old. We killed Ra and made Earth a goa'uld magnet. We are party to the world's biggest secret. The world's biggest hope and the world's biggest enemy. Sometimes I just don't want to know anymore. I just want to be one of those people walking down the street with nothing more to worry about than paying the bills."
Jack laughed and shook his head, "Right. Because it's that easy. Daniel...you'd be back in five minutes. You need that place more than it needs you."
"That's probably true. I just need to figure it out for myself."
"And what about that promise you made to Sha're? You said you'd find the kid. What about that?"
Daniel looked away. He wouldn't be able to say he didn't care if Jack was looking at him. He knew there was no hope. He knew that looking for the Harsesis was a task greater than a needle in a haystack. It was near impossible.
"Well? You just gonna back out on your promise?"
"No. You'll still be there. Right?"
"So you disappear and I find the kid," Jack said quietly, "What makes you so sure that I'll find him?"
"Because you promised you'd find Sha're and Skaara and I believed you. And I know that even though you don't believe in the Harsesis, you'll try your best to find him," Daniel's voice was quiet and level, his eyes sincere, "I trust you with my life Jack."
Jack nodded slowly, "And if I find him?"
"When...you find him, maybe I'll drop by."
"Maybe? Drop by? Gee, you sure you're not over investing there? Come on Daniel! This is Sha're's kid we're talkin about."
Daniel felt a wave of emotion wash over him. He could see his innocent wife's dead face. He could also see the evil glow in her eyes. And he remembered her giving birth to Apophis's child. And against his better judgment he had felt so much anger as he held the child. Maybe the truth was he didn't want to find the Harsesis at all. Maybe this was the end of the line.
"Sometimes...I wish I could take back every mistake I ever made," Daniel whispered as though he was far away.
"We all do," Jack said as his mind conjured up his own demons.
"Have you ever wondered Jack? What would've happened if we never opened that gate? What kind of lives we would have led? It would have been so different."
"Yes. It would have been completely different. You'd still be getting laughed at and I..." Jack suddenly stopped.
Daniel looked up, "What? You'd what?"
"It doesn't matter. The point is, I like the way things are Daniel. I like having a job I love. I like going to it every day and seeing Carter. Seeing Teal'c. Seeing you."
Daniel closed his eyes as his stomach lurched.
"I like being a part of something and I know you do too. Look. This hiatus idea. Maybe it's a good idea. Maybe you should take off for a while. A few months maybe. But that's all. You're still getting over Sha're, you're confused. It happens. Believe me I know. Just don't do something you might regret."
Daniel opened his eyes and stared at Jack. No wisecracks. No overbearing colonel attitude. Just Jack. If anything had kept him with the SGC this long it had been Jack. But he needed more. His life was beginning to feel unbearably empty. Friends weren't enough. New worlds weren't important if there was no one to come back home to. The always-empty apartment was like a dark blanket of despair that suffocated him every night. It seemed to feed off his loneliness. At least there had been a chance once of finding Sha're and having a home. The kind of home built on bonds and beating hearts and not out of cold hard bricks. If his fate was loneliness then he would a find a nice sandy dig to spend it. Not the SGC.
"Tell me you'll think about this," Jack said gently.
Daniel nodded and managed a small smile, "I'll think about it."
Jack sighed with relief and leant back in the chair as though the situation had been resolved for good.
"And besides, you can't leave, You'd miss us too much," Jack grinned.
"You think so?"
"Sure. I mean who wouldn't miss Teal'c's stories and jokes? You'll never find a chatterbox like him. And there's Carter with her love life. Once you're out of that loop you're out for good. And you'll miss out on all those drug freebies courtesy of Frasier. No more Prozac candy? And Hammond, you'll never find a boss as laid back and cool as that guy. Am I right or am I right?"
Daniel laughed, something that made Jack's nerves settle even further. Daniel laughing was a good sign since it was rarer than a full eclipse.
"Of course, I didn't consider all that," Daniel drank some more of his beer and then added quietly, "And what about you Jack? Will I miss anything about you?"
Jack stared at his beer as he tried to unsuccessfully peel the label off. His face was unreadable as he quietly spoke, "I dunno Daniel," he looked up, "Would you miss anything about me?"
Daniel knew the answer to that was everything. He'd miss the bad tempered salty remarks. He'd miss the dismissive attitude towards all things of cultural significance. He'd also miss how Jack could tell someone he cared with one look. He would miss that he had never had to doubt Jack, because he could see how much Jack cared about his friends. How could he forget sitting on the floor of the storeroom after trying to blow Jack's head off? How could he forget that raging pain and need he had felt for the sarcophagus? How could he forget the tough military colonel putting his arms around him and simply absorbing the grief he had felt? Jack was his best friend and he loved him. His heart broke just at the thought of separation.
Daniel smiled at Jack, "No Jack, I wouldn't miss a thing," he said quietly.
Jack laughed, his eyes sparkling and understanding the answer, "Geek."
"Neantherdal."
~
Daniel had the letter of resignation in his pocket. He had thought about it all night. He had decided he would hand it to the general and then say his farewells. The night before had simply further helped in making up his mind. He couldn't see himself forging a life in the SGC. His parents had spent their young lives in digs chasing one hidden truth or another and they had ultimately left their child with no memories to cherish. They were respected academics, but their parenting wouldn't have won them any diplomas. Daniel wanted a life. Not an obsession. And that was what Sha're had left behind in the guise of the Harsesis child. An obsession.
"Hey Daniel," Sam said rounding a corner.
"Sam. Hi," Daniel gave a small smile.
"You okay?" Sam frowned, gently cupping his shoulder.
"Yeah, just tired I guess," Daniel said.
"Hey listen, me and Janet were gonna have a drink after work but the colonel kind of invited himself. He said something about drunk chicks. Wanna join us? Teal'c's coming."
Daniel thought about it for a second and realized it may be the ideal time to tell everyone about his intentions.
"Yeah sure I'll..." Daniel was cut short as the klaxons blared to life. Sam and Daniel stood back and watched as armed personnel made their way to the gate room. "Guess we better check it out," Sam said.
~
"What happen?" Sam said entering the control room.
"Bra'tac just came through with an injured Jaffa. Doctor Fraser's taking care of it right now," General Hammond said as he headed towards the stairs, "Teal'c's with them."
"Did Bra'tac say what happen?" Daniel said following behind Sam.
"No. I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's something we could do without."
~
Everyone was assembled in the gate room ready to go to Kheb and find the Harsesis child. Everyone except Daniel.
Jack shook his head and sighed.
"Sir I'll go take a look," Sam said.
"No...no. You guys wait up. I'll be back with Daniel in five."
Jack was ready to burst into the lockers and re-lecture Daniel on the virtues of punctuality when he saw Daniel sitting on the bench, dressed and ready, just staring at the floor. Jack decided maybe the sarcastic or shouting at top of his voice approach was something to avoid. Jack swung his gun over his hip and sat down next to Daniel. Daniel didn't look up.
"I'm not sure what happen," Daniel said quietly.
Jack nodded, "Maybe you're just a little scared that this might turn out to be a wild goose chase...or not."
Daniel looked up at Jack and frowned, "Or not?"
"If we find this kid...the Harsesis, he's carryin around all the knowledge of the goa'uld. That's gotta be a little scary."
Daniel nodded. Jack was right. It was more than frightening.
"Jack, he'll still be a baby. What are we going to do while we're waiting for him to grow up?"
Jack shrugged and smiled, "Dunno. Teach him to play ball. Take him to the hockey playoffs. Cool stuff."
Daniel's face fell, "Right. Is that before or after the NID come over take him out of our hands?"
"Hammond wouldn't let that happen."
"It's not always in his hands Jack. Even if they don't take him away, what kind of a life will he have growing up in a mountain?"
"He doesn't have to grow up in the mountain. Cassie didn't."
Daniel looked away. Jack could clearly see there was something Daniel wanted to say but couldn't. It didn't take a genius to figure out what.
"You don't want to take care of him?" Jack said quietly.
Daniel didn't answer.
"Daniel?"
"I don't know. It's not that I don't want to. I'm not sure if I could. What do I know about kids?"
"Nothing. But then no one does until they have one."
"Jack I..."
"Daniel. It's okay. You don't have to go into this. There's time for this later."
"I don't want you to think I'm ..."
"I don't. It can't be easy for you to be looking for your wife's kid. For Apophis's kid. No one expects you to be a saint Daniel. You're human like the rest of us."
Jack got up and placed his hand on Daniel's shoulder, "You'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Come on, let's go."
~
Bra'tac, Daniel and Jack were inside the temple as Sam and Teal'c walked around the grounds. It was a serene place. Sam couldn't figure out how the dead Jaffa had ended up in such a state. Nothing in their surroundings indicted that there was someone around capable of causing that kind of damage.
"What do you think Teal'c?" Sam said walking past the entrance again. Teal'c turned and looked at her.
"It is too early to say. But if this indeed is the Kheb that DanielJackson speaks of, the days of the goa'uld are small in number."
"Yeah. I hope so. Plus...I think Daniel could do with some good news."
Teal'c nodded slowly, "Yes. He has been quite subdued of late. He still mourns for Sha're."
Sam could see a small flicker of guilt and pain on Teal'c's face as he mentioned Sha're's name. Everyone had been so concerned with Daniel coping with Sha're's death, no one had paid any thought to what Teal'c was going through. Especially with Teal'c's philosophy that he could deal with any trauma without anyones help. But Sam had seen the burden that Teal'c carried. Sometimes he physically looked as though he carried the weight of his guilt on his shoulders.
"Teal'c?"
"It is nothing," Teal'c said quietly.
"He'll be fine Teal'c. Daniel's much stronger than he looks. You did what you had to do. And besides. He doesn't want help from us."
"I do not understand."
Sam sighed, "It's nothing. Just a hunch. Unfortunately it's a hunch you can't ask about and I'm not allowed to tell about."
The corner of Teal'c's mouth went up in a small smile. Sam smiled back.
"What?" Sam said intrigued.
"Unfortunately MajorCarter it is something you can not ask me about, and I cannot speak of."
"Oh man. I think the only two that haven't caught on to it are Colonel O'Neill and Daniel," Sam muttered and took another walk.
~
Daniel put the child back into his cradle. For a moment he had held the child and felt Sha're's presence again. He had been afraid of hating the child. But the hate never came. Perhaps when the monk had spoken about Daniel's hate killing the child, he had meant in more than one way. Without that hate he was able to see that the child would be safer with those that cared for him now. He thanked the alien and walked back through the wall only to come face to face with the monk. Daniel looked back at the wall and then at the monk.
"There is no deception. We are more than one."
Daniel nodded, "I guess me and my friends should go now."
The monk gave a small bow of his head, "Your intention is to turn your back on the child forever?"
Daniel looked back stunned, "No..."
"The child is safe Daniel, but that is not a reason for you to run away."
"What do you mean?"
"When you see without eyes you see more than eyes can ever see. You feel your promise has been fulfilled and you will now hide from the choices of your life."
Daniel stood, mouth open and unable to speak.
"What do you run from Daniel?"
"I don't know. All I know is I can't stay."
"Then you run from yourself. From who you are."
"Perhaps."
"Your running will not undo that which is done."
"I'm not trying to undo anything."
"Your wish to forget stems from your need to undo that which has already happened."
Daniel thought for a moment and then nodded, "Maybe there are choices I wish I'd never made."
The monk smiled gently, his eyes glowing with a serene warmth, "Daniel...all roads lead to the ultimate end."
Daniel frowned, "I don't believe that. Every choice you make creates another future. I've seen proof of it."
The monk's smile didn't falter, "In every reality Daniel, all choices lead to an ultimate end. You can not escape it."
"And uh...what do you know about other realities?"
"I know nothing Daniel. I simply see what is there."
"Right," Daniel smiled and nodded, "I have to go. Thank you for what you've done for the boy."
Daniel started to walk away.
"What if I were to show you?"
Daniel stopped. He turned and looked at the monk, "Show me what?"
"The road not traveled."
"I don't understand."
"What if I were to put time back into your hands? To undo the choices of the past."
"How could you do that? That's not poss..."
"Time means nothing to Oma Dasala. She is timeless. She is time."
The monk walked up to Daniel so they only stood inches from each other.
"Daniel...Do you still trust?"
Daniel looked at the wall behind which he knew the Harsesis lay, "How can't I?"
"Then...make your choices..." he said bringing his hand up to Daniel's forehead.
His fingers touched Daniel's forehead like burning metal that was boring it's way into his skull. Daniel let out a cry of pain as he sank to his knees. His hands went up to grip the monks wrist as he tried to push the hand away. But he could do nothing. All he could do was witness the room slowly disappearing into white light. After a while he could do no more than succumb to the light as his senses faded and he dropped back on to the floor and into unconsciousness.
TBC