Title: O Holy Night
Author: Jennie
Rating: PG
Summary: SPD. Z reflects on Christmas, her past and what little she remembers of her birth parents, when Jack convinces her to attend mass with him, and she learns that miracles do happen on Christmas.
AN: I love Christmas and thanks to a rather boring Math lecture at the Uni, this fic- and the corresponding others for the other SPD rangers- came to me. I've also gone into a bit of detail about Z's family and past, and there will be a follow-up, I think, that goes into that even more. I planned to post one fic each Sunday of Advent, but obviously that didn't happen. So, erm, here's this fic several weeks too late, but still fitting the season. I hope you enjoy reading and any comments are definitely appreciated
O Holy Night
O Holy night, the stars are brightly shining The thrill of hope,
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world
In sin and error pining
'Till He appeared and the soul felt His worth
The weary world rejoices
For yonder brings a new and glorious morn
You don't get much Christmas cheer, when you live on the streets. She hasn't had a proper Christmas, one with presents and a tree and cookies and all around merriment since she was eight, when she got taken away from the one foster family that actually treated her as a child, instead of a burden. The foster homes after that were 'homes' in the barest meaning of the word- she slept there, was clothed, and received food. Celebrating holidays wasn't an issue- because they weren't celebrated. Her 'uncle' Danny and 'aunt' Cella had always made a huge production of Christmas, from baking sweets to picking out a tree, to singing carols in both English and Spanish. Christmas truly was a time of merriment in the Delgado household.
And then she got taken away, and hadn't celebrated Christmas since.
It's weird to be expected to celebrate again. There's a tree in the rec room, lights in the windows and even, amazingly enough, snow on the ground. Coldest winter in seventy years, the news reports, and she'd believe it.
At least she's not on the streets.
The first Christmas on the streets wasn't easy. Walking around in the cold, seeing all the houses lit up and full of laughter and joy- it made her heart ache. All she wanted was a family- and she blew the one chance she had of getting one.
Or, more accurately, her powers ruined her chance.
She had been in the Delgado household for five years and they had even given her their name. The adoption papers were on their way and she was eagerly anticipating belonging to the jolly family. Marcella Delgado could not have children, but she and her husband wished for a child so much that the Lord decided to bless them with her, they whispered in her ear as they tucked her in. She was just as much part of the family as any biological child would be and they would always love her.
Then she screwed up- revealing her powers to a social worker one day. It was one of the last official visits, and if she could make it through the next couple of times, she would legally belong to the family. But once they heard of her powers, DCS- the department of child services- decided that she couldn't be adopted, not with her 'problem'. And no matter how much the Delgados pleaded, that was that. She was officially classified as a freak- and wasn't worthy of a home, of a family.
So at thirteen, she decided to take matters into her own hands- and ran away.
She doesn't regret it. She probably wouldn't be a ranger, for one thing, and she can only imagine what the system would have been like as a teenager. There were tales you'd hear, tales about abuse and other horrible things- things she didn't want to think about. And while living on the streets wasn't exactly fun and games- she made ends meet, especially when she hooked up with Jack. Between the two of them- and their powers- they never had to worry too long about their next meal or shelter.
But holidays in general were things that they had to do with out.
She always missed Christmas.
Still does.
Syd, Sky, even Bridge went home for the weekend, and he's Jewish. Only she and Jack remain at Headquarters, the only B-squad cadets without any family or home to speak of. It's empty and quiet and for the first time in years, she finds herself really missing family at Christmas.
She barely remembers her real parents. She doesn't know what happened to them, though she suspects they're dead. She remembers heat and fire and smoke and explosions and lots of worry...and screams.
She still has nightmares about the screams, sometimes.
But as she remembers the bad experience, when she lost them- she also has a few memories of the good times. Lots of leafy shrubbery, cool water, bright sun. Tinkling laughter, hugs, kisses, love. Sometimes...sometimes she wonders who they were, what they were like. She knows that her name is Elizabeth, most likely, due to the Z she has worn around her neck since before she can remember. She knows that she is around seventeen or eighteen years-old, and that she's human. But other than that...
Her past is blank.
The Delgados spoke of trying to find her birth family when she was older, when she felt ready. And when she ended up with powers, Uncle Danny seemed even more desperate to hold on to her and to find her real parents. What would things be like if she found them? What if they were actually alive? She's convinced herself that they have to be dead- but what if they aren't?
She rolls her eyes, shivering at the cold, which seeps into her bones, seeps into her thoughts. It's stupid to wonder 'what if'. She's safe, has a place to sleep, food, and is warm. There's nothing more that she could need, that she could want. So who cares if her friends are all out celebrating with their families- at least she and Jack are around. Nothing else matters, right?
Sweeping her blanket around her, she leaves the rec room and makes her way to her own bedroom. For once Syd isn't around, so she has it completely to herself. Funny how she doesn't feel like playing loud music or making a mess or just generally relishing in finally being alone in the normally shared room.
Funny.
Sleep, she decides. It'll be Christmas soon, and it's not like there's any point in staying up. Christmas- it just doesn't really mean anything to her anymore.
"Z?" The door slides open to reveal Jack, dressed to go out. She's suddenly thankful that she's not in her pajamas yet.
"Yeah?" She turns around. "What do you want- it's almost midnight."
"I- want to go to Midnight Mass with me?"
This is unexpected. Though it's...touching, at the same time.
She's always wanted to go.
And she's never been able to go.
Not since she ran away, that is.
You'd think that a kid on the streets could do whatever she wanted. But in reality...it was too risky. Too many people there, wondering about parents. Too cold to venture outside in the middle of the night for nothing. Too busy, because there were always people who needed help- and she and Jack were the ones to give it to them. She'd pass the Cathedral every year, watching the lights flicker in the windows, hearing the congregation sing the carols. "O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining." Her favorite carol, sung every year during Midnight Mass. She'd go and just stand outside for five minutes, dawdling along as Jack lead the way, laden with boxes to distribute. Normally he'd be on her case to get her to hurry up- but this was one occasion where he never said a thing. He'd just watch her from a distance as she hummed the melody to herself, standing in the shadow of the great church.
Now he's offering her the chance to go.
Part of her, the stubborn part, doesn't want to. She wants to suffer, to stay alone and be melancholy and be able to say that, without a doubt, her Christmas sucked. No big deal- it's been like that for years.
On the other hand...
Isn't it time to leave her past behind her? Isn't it time to actually embrace her new life? She's off of the streets, she's got friends, she's needed- and it's not because she's stealing in a screwed-up modern day Robin Hood scenario. Things are finally looking up for her. Sure, she still doesn't have any clues about her past, but perhaps it's time to move past it?
She should.
She really should.
But can she?
"I...I don't know, Jack." She lets the blanket drop slightly. "It's freezing, there's an actual snow storm going on, and I'm not really in the Christmas spirit right now."
"So get into the spirit, Z!" He enters her room, grinning at her. "And yeah, it's snowing. It never snows, so think of it as a new experience. Have you ever been in snow before?"
Rolling her eyes, she turns away. "No." Of course not. She grew up in California, didn't she? And except for this one time, it hasn't snowed in years .
So why does she suddenly have a memory of snow?
She's little, all bundled up, catching flakes on her tongue. There's laughter, and a woman's wrapping her arms around her and picking her up and swinging her around, as excited with the snow as she is. It's not Marcella Delgado, though. It's someone else, someone she doesn't remember. Someone she should remember...
Her mom?
Her real mom?
"Z, what's up? You okay?"
She blinks, brought back to reality. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking..."
"About what?" Jack throws an arm around her shoulders.
"My...parents," she finally answers. "My real parents. Not the Delgados, but my biological family. I've been doing a lot of thinking today..."
"Oh," he says, and she can sense that he's uneasy. He never has been a big fan of talking about their former families- he doesn't have great memories, she knows.
"Yeah...so let's go?" Making up her mind, she removes his arm from her shoulders and gives him a pointed look.
"What?"
"I'm in my pajamas, Jack, and there's no way I'm going to Mass like this. Get out so I can change."
"You're actually going?" He looks surprised.
"Yes. Why not? Now get out." She shoves him out the door, before going to stand in front of her dresser. She's not exactly sure why she decided to go after all, but Jack seems to really want to- and he's her family.
The only family that matters.
AAAAAA
"I'm freezing. Tell me again why we couldn't use a car?"
"Because we're not on official SPD business, plus I thought it would be fun to walk. See the old neighborhood."
"BS." She shivers again, glowering at him. "You're just as freezing as I am."
He ignores her. So what if she's whining? It's freezing, it's Christmas and she's not sure what possessed her to go to the service, but standing in front of the church isn't helping any. Why can't they just go in already?
"Come on, let's go." He doesn't move, staring up at the massive figures on the roof. This is stupid. Rolling her eyes, she grabs his jacket and pulls.
"Wha-" Thump.
Whoops. Guess she pulled too hard.
"What'd you do that for?" He grumbles as he gets up out of the snow. "Now I'm freezing and wet."
"We're going in, idiot. I didn't let you drag me out here so we could stare the entire night." She hurries up the steps, looking around. She's never been in the church before, not daring to. It's always been so majestic, so foreign, so above her, that she always thought she didn't belong. Even now, as an SPD ranger, she still feels meek, young, inexperienced. The lights shining brightly in the windows beckon, however, and she slowly pushes open the doors.
Warmth.
Light.
Love.
It washes over her, as she stands just inside the doors, Jack coming to stand next to her. The two of them are ready- ready to face the world, ready to face their pasts. Ready to face the future, brother and sister, hand in hand. Because- isn't that what Christmas is about?
"Our Christmas Angels!" Startled, they turn. An elderly nun and priest appear in a doorway to their right, smiling.
"Christmas Angels?" Z asks, confused.
"I'm Father Robert and this is Sister Madeline," the Father introduces, stepping forwards. "And Sister and I have watched the two of you every year. You always go past, bearing heavy loads, to give to the poor. And each year, this young lady stops right underneath the shadow of Mary and listens to the hymns."
"We started calling you our Christmas Angels in the rectory," Sister Madeline adds, smiling. "We'd always stand and wait for you to come in, but you never did. It was enough, though," she smiles, "to see the way the Christmas Spirit affected you. The way you'd fall to your knees, just like the song..."
"We live in a hard world, but every day is filled with miracles- and you two became one of ours." Father Robert finishes. "We'd love to welcome you to St. Gabriel."
"Thanks, Father." Jack shakes the Father's hand. "I had no idea..."
"Yeah," Z finally gets her voice back. "I- it's..."
It's Christmas.
That's what it is- it finally feels like Christmas for her.
A Christmas tree.
Bright lights.
Laughter.
Joy.
Love.
Family.
A little girl in a new dress, being swung around by a man in a bright red shirt and Santa hat. Giggling, laughing, screeching for "Unca Wee" to put her down.
A memory...
"Leo, put her down, you'll make her sick." A man trying to be stern, though his smile told otherwise. Shining dark eyes, dark hair. Arms wrapped around a woman...a woman who shares a resemblance to Z...
"Bethy's a big girl, right?" The man- Leo- stops, however, and puts her down. "That was fun, wasn't it?"
Bethy...
No one has ever called her that.
...At least not in years.
Because of her necklace, her nickname ever since she had been at the Delgados' and in the system had been 'Z'. At three, she was old enough to know her first name, at least- Izabeth- she always mangled it. But her last name- or middle name- was unknown, and the Delgados, being her foster family, had tried to come up with something to call her, and something to officially name her.
So she became Elizabeth "Z" Maria Delgado at the age of three. And the Delgados were great people, and she loved them- but she knows that they never called her 'Bethy'. Only Z, and the occasionally Lizzy.
But someone- she remembers now- someone used to call her Bethy.
Her uncle?
Does she actually have an uncle?
A real, biological family?
When Kat announced that all of the rangers had their powers because their parents worked in SPD, she felt like it didn't concern her. So what if they did- they're obviously dead now. She wouldn't have been put in the system if she had family still alive.
But maybe...
No one knew who she was, when she was first found. And while her parents are certainly dead- maybe her uncle? Maybe he isn't...
"Z? You okay?"
She looks up into Jack's concerned gaze. "Oh, yeah- I'm fine." She shakes her head, trying to clear her mind. "I just...I think I actually remembered something from my childhood- with my real parents."
It's funny, she reflects. There she is, standing in this awe-inspiring church, on Christmas Day, accompanied by a nun, a priest and her brother in everything but blood- and now she finally remembers her family.
Her real parents.
Her real uncle.
No, she doesn't remember her last name, or what they looked like, really. But an uncle 'Leo' somewhere to start, right? And maybe...just maybe...things will turn out for her.
The bells chime the midnight hour, and the choir begins to sing- and she literally falls on her knees.
Perhaps she does deserve Christmas.
After all, she has her own Christmas miracle.
Fall on your knees,
Oh, hear the angels' voices:
Oh night divine
Oh night when Christ was born
Oh night divine
Oh night,
Oh night divine.