Warning: Suicide and shounen ai themed. Songfic/Deathfic. If you are disturbed by the thought of suicide and/or male/male romance (no actual sex scenes) then do not read any further. I have warned you!

Disclaimer:  I do not own Final Fantasy VII or any of its characters, cities, creations, or their ideas. I do not get money or make profit from this fan fiction. This is just a fan fiction written for personal enjoyment and the enjoyment of readers.

------Love Me When I'm Gone------

Written By: Isrea Ishiida

Song: "When I'm Gone"

Band: 3 Doors Down.

Pale light filtered in through semi-closed curtains, raining soft rays across equally soft golden hair. The blond stirred as the first signs of daylight washed across his tanned features and slowly, almost deceivingly slowly, bright cerulean eyes fluttered open. It only took a moment for the blond to realize where he was and with a groan he rolled onto his side and pulled the thin blanket around his shoulders a little more securely.

He was in one of the Highwind's many guest rooms –the one he had unofficially declared was his room- and he really, really, didn't want to get out of bed. Mostly because when he did he would be bombarded with millions of questions; each one of his teammates wanting answers he really didn't want to give.

Last night… he could remember it so vividly…

Sephiroth…

The blond had to fight down the growing lump in his throat. The image of the silver haired demigod brought involuntary shudders to his body and he had to suppress the urge to sob.

He'd killed him…

Sephiroth…

Suddenly his alarm went off and Cloud Strife groggily pulled his lazy self up into a sitting position, hugging himself against the chill air. He fought down what feelings he had, erecting the ever constant façade of cold indifference that he relied on so heavily. He'd had to do it, he convinced himself yet again, and that was all there was to it.

–-Hello, hello everybody! It's ten o'clock on a beautiful Sunday morning. The air is clean and the sky is clear. There is no sign of Meteor, folks! Midgars been destroyed but hey, we're still alive aren't we? This is DJ Stan on 109.8 bringing you the best music mix the planet's got to offer–- A cheery male voice announced over the blaring speaker. Cloud sighed theatrically and rolled his eyes heavenward. How some people could be so cheerful after an apocalyptic episode he'd never know.

He rolled to the side of the bed and planted his bare feet on the floor, shifting as he felt the sting of cold tile under foot. Where were his boots again? Oh yes, across the room… The blond made a distressed grimace. He rose from the bed a moment later and padded across the room, running a tired hand through tousled locks of hair even as he yawned. No one could blame him for being tired, with what had happened and all. The thought brought another lump to his throat.

Sephiroth…


There's another world inside of me that you may never see,
There's secrets in this life that I can't hide.

Cloud Strife winced as the lyrics of the song rang out loud in the still air, speaking truth like nothing else could as it played from his alarm clock's speakers. There indeed was another world inside of him, one that he would allow no one else to see. If his true feelings ever got out… if the others ever knew…

It would be disastrous.

Sephiroth… He'd killed Sephiroth. The thought burned in the back of his mind like a pain that he knew would never fade. A pain that would always remind him of what he had done… He'd killed the only man he'd ever loved… Everyone was so glad that Sephiroth was dead. Cloud had been named a hero, everyone had their happy ending…

Everyone except him… Where was his happy ending?

Well, somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find
Well, maybe its to far away, or maybe I'm just blind

What was he to do now? What was he to say? Was there really much reason to live on, now that the only thing that had kept him going through the years was… dead?… Did he really have to get up each morning with the same fake smile plastered across his face when all he felt inside was emptiness?

Or maybe I'm just blind,

What was he to do now?…

So hold me when I'm here,
Love me when I'm wrong,
Hold me when I'm scared,
And love me when I'm gone.

Cloud Strife, ex-mercenary, AVALANCHE leader and world saviour stood in the centre of his bare bedroom, cerulean eyes staring at the far wall with a mixed look of sorrow, regret, frustration and anger. Tears started to gather at the corners of his eyes and he bit back a bitter sob. He was the hero… the only one without the will to live on… Such irony, such bittersweet irony…


Everything I am,
And everything in me,
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be.
I'll never let you down,
Even if I could,
I'd give up everything,
If only for your good,

Where was his happily ever after?


So hold me when I'm here,
Love me when I'm wrong,
Hold me when I'm scared,
You won't always be there,
So love me when I'm gone.

For a moment Cloud thought that he could still feel those strong arms wrapped around him; thought he could still feel the gentle touch of warm breath on his neck… He closed his eyes at the feeling and hugged his arms, shivering under the strong emotions that welled up at the memory of near forgotten moments.

Love me when I'm gone

He could still remember the first time he'd met his silver haired angel, the night his life had changed… way back when he was a trooper admiring a general…

When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin,
I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends.

He'd been sparring with Zack when he had approached him. The General had offered a spar and a young, enthusiastic blond trooper had leapt at the chance. That same enthusiastic trooper had been beaten, much to his hidden ire and yet secret delight. But it had been worth it, if only to get a little closer to the man he secretly idolized and admired…

He could still remember the smiles, the soft laughs and the fond embraces… He could still remember the warm night walks along the upper plate, gazing at what sky could be seen. But now?…

Now there were no more walks, no more smiles and no more fond embraces… Now there was nothing but emptiness… and darkness…

Now roaming through this darkness,
I'm alive but I'm alone,
Part of me is fighting this… but part of me is gone.

Cloud buried his face in his hands, tears gathering harshly in his eyes and spilling down his tanned cheeks without restraint. What was he to live for now? How could he go on living with the knowledge that he had destroyed what he himself had held so dear? Part of him had died last night… Part of him was gone…


So hold me when I'm here,
Love me when I'm wrong,
Hold me when I'm scared,
And love me when I'm gone.

Sephiroth… He'd been controlled… It hadn't been the real Sephiroth… Why had things had to end so badly?

The blond let out a painful sob, sinking to his knees against the cold, unyielding tile. Even the floor was against him!


Everything I am,
And everything in me,
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be.
I'll never let you down,
Even if I could,
I'd give up everything,
If only for your good,

The town of Nibelheim was brought to the forefront of his mind. A burning picture, broken bodies, painful memories, his mother dead, Zack's dying body… and Sephiroth… His Masamune raised high overhead, that wicked glint in his eyes… that madness…. He'd given up everything for Sephiroth. He'd lost his hometown, his friends, his family and then he'd lost his lover… And now he had done it all over again… He'd given up everything once… now he didn't have anything left to give…


So hold me when I'm here,
Love me when I'm wrong,
Hold me when I'm scared,
You won't always be there,
So love me when I'm gone.

Cloud raised his head from his hands and tilted his face up, tanned cheeks shining with the crystalline tears he felt warm against his skin. Sephiroth was gone, Zack was gone, Aeris was gone… He had… nothing left to live for…

His friends? Sure, they had been there when he had needed them but they had their own lives to get back to. He doubted if they would want an ex-leader hanging around, clinging to them for the strength he needed to keep going. Tifa loved him, he knew, but Cloud could not bring himself to hurt her. The blond could never love her the way she wanted him to and he knew any attempt at a relationship would only hurt the girl…

He was, in the cold truth of reality, completely alone…

Maybe I'm just blind…

Cerulean eyes scanned his empty room, catching on a glint of something in the far corner. The Ultima weapon…

He found that he was moving even before the thought struck his mind, reaching out to take the hilt of the massive weapon in both hands. He hefted the heavy item and looked long and hard at its blade, his tear stained face reflected in the dull purple glow. Unnaturally bright cerulean eyes stared back at him, though they seemed to be considerably dulled and shadowed… That was to be expected…

What was there to live for… really?

He had given everything up once already, he had nothing left to give now…. except…

So hold me when I'm here,
Love me when I'm wrong,
Hold me when I'm scared,
And love me when I'm gone.

He set the weapon down and reached toward the desk, knowing with a certain kind of anxiety what he would find upon popping open the drawer.


Everything I am,
And everything in me,
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be.
I'll never let you down,
Even if I could,
I'd give up everything,
If only for your good,

His fingers curled around the hilt of the knife, his bare palm rubbing against leather bound metal. Slowly, ever so slowly, he pulled the smaller weapon from the desk and rose it to eye level. The steel of the blade winked at him tauntingly and a grimfaced blond stared back through the mirror like surface.

Why did he force himself to go on?… What was there to live for now?…

The blade flashed again.


So hold me when I'm here,
Love me when I'm wrong,
Hold me when I'm scared,
You won't always be there,
So love me when I'm gone…

Pain, there was lost of pain. The bite of the cold, smooth steel on unprotected wrist burned as crimson was splashed across the tile beneath his feet. As soon as the knife left his skin though the Jenova inside him set to work. The slash healed itself even before he could set the knife back down on his own skin…

Again he slashed in vain, scarlet droplets of his lifeblood falling smoothly to the floor. Tears were streaming once again down his face, though it had nothing to do with the pain.

Now even death was cheating him… Was everything so firmly fixed against him? Was he to live out the rest of his days an empty shell that could not even find solace in death?

Could he find no peace?…

Love me when I'm gone…

The tip of the knife was pressed firmly against his chest, hovering unsteadily over his heart… "Heal this, Jenova…" the blond uttered one last time, voice thick with emotion and heart heavy with sorrow.

A sharp intake of breath, a violent jerk and shove and he could feel the blade slide smoothly between his ribs and straight down, edges cutting through muscle and tissue under the strong force. It hurt little… he'd always kept his blades extremely sharp…

Down, down… the blade pierced sharply into his primary organ, agony ripping through his body at the moment it hit.

He'd be seeing his angel soon enough…

Love me when I'm gone…

The blond crumbled as red blood burst from around the knife, his heart beating in vain against the steel wedged inside it. His pulse quickened then slowed, eyes glazing over as they rolled up in his head. Yes, he'd be seeing his silver haired angel very, very soon…

Sephiroth…

When I'm gone, when I'm gone…When I'm gone…


And then it ended, swift and yet agonizingly slowly his soul faded as the last threads of life that connected him to the real world snapped. Empty, the shell of a man collapsed face first into unnaturally cold tile, blond hair soaked red in his own blood, cerulean blue eyes losing their light for the final time…

And it was there, alone, that Cloud Strife breathed his last…

----End----

Author's Notes:

1. This was just an 'on the whim' type thing but I think it actually turned out pretty good.

2. Comments/suggestions/praise and hate mail can be sent to: AdinaWolf_X@hotmail.com   Send my your thoughts on this fic because I really want to hear them! Thanks for reading my fanfiction and until next time you read my stuff, see you later!