"Where the hell is Ryuk? He's nearly half an hour late…" Light began to pace impatiently.
"Well, are gods of death known for their punctuality?" LeLouch asked, only half sarcastically.
"His world is rotting to the point of him coming to the human world, I'm like 80% sure he's naked, but either way he's not getting a tux. What else would he have to do?"
They were interrupted when the front doors opened. A guard walked in, the outlines of his irises glowing bright red. He stepped up to LeLouch.
"Your highness, there's still no sign of Misa Amane."
"Very good. Keep up the defenses until the ceremony is over."
"Yes, sir." He saluted and then left.
It had been announced over a month ago that Light Yagami and LeLouch vi Britannia were getting married, as a way to truly unite Japan and Britannia. That sounds like a legit excuse, right? Cuz I can't think of any other reason why they'd tell the press about it besides their massive egos, butcha know…
"Really, no one should be surprised you're gay," LeLouch commented. "I mean your name spelled backwards is I'm a gay…"
"A, that joke stopped being funny three years ago, B you're voiced by Grell Sutcliffe, so shut the fuck up."
"Whatever, gay boy…"
"YOU whatever, you transgender, red-loving, whore of a shinigami…"
"Whoa. Dude, calm down…"
"Sorry, baby, I just can't believe Ryuk's still not here."
"I know… it'll be ok…" LeLouch walked over to him and gave Light a kiss on the lips.
"Aw, isn't that precious."
The two jerked their gazes.
"Near, the fuck are you doing here?"
The white haired boy was sitting on the floor in his usual manner, fiddling with a rubix cube. "I just came to ask a few questions, that's all…"
"Oh lord… Near, have you ever been given 'the talk'? When a man and a bishie love each other very much…"
"Actually I'm more interested to know why the two of you aren't dead…"
"Well my death's technically questionable." LeLouch pointed to Light. "Him, I got no fucking clue, the power of fanfiction?"
"Ah, yes…" Near continued. He completed one side of the cube. "The power of fanfiction is indeed powerful. So powerful, that it's brought two of the deadliest characters together. Of course, the person writing this has seen about ten animes, so that's probably not saying much…"
Light and LeLouch looked at each other.
"So?" Light replied. "You think you can stop us? You may have defeated me in the series, but not without Mello's totally forced-into-the-plot help and Mikami's fuck up. LeLouch is far more efficient, there's no way – "
"No I just wanted to ask, with you outta the picture, can I go out with Misa?"
"What… sure… I don't care… if you can find her…"
"She's being held off by the guards, then? Why, is it because the author's obsession with yaoi has led them to feel the need to bash the canon female characters in their poorly written fantasies?"
It has not…
"No, I just don't want her killing LeLouch."
"Thought she gave up ownership of the Death Note…"
"Yeah, because a gun's not an option!"
"So why don't you just kill her? Or better yet, have LeLouch use his geass on her to stay away from you two?"
"… DO YOU WANNA DATE THIS GIRL OR NOT?"
"You're right." Near got up, having finished the rubix cube. "Later homos"
"Enjoy your bald spot, bitch."
"You're gonna die alone!"
"Byeeeeee!"
Yeah that totally contrived joke will be heavily dated in about two months…
Suddenly the church doors open and the priest walks out. This character could be a really clever reference, but I'm too lazy to look anything up.
"Well I already made a Kuroshitsuji reference," Light argued. "Why not make him Tanaka?"
That's not funny…
"Shut up, I'm god!"
Whatever.
So Tanaka – I can't believe I'm writing this. Srsly, I just had an exchange with a character, I'm twenty-one and this is what I'm doing with my life – walked out of the chapel up to the two men.
"Sirs, pardon me but we can't keep the chapel open forever, if the best man doesn't show up soon, I suggest we start without him."
"Whatever, this plot line's a rip-off of TheJokerBlogs anyway…" Light shrugged.
Then Tanaka shrunk down to his chibi version because that's what he does. He stepped back into the church, leaving the two alone. No they're not about to have sex, but I could go that route if I wanted to…
"I suppose we better go get dressed, then." LeLouch said.
"You'd think we would have done that earlier since technically the service is running late."
"Yes but for exposition's sake, please explain why I'm the bride."
"Because in the final episodes, I was wearing a dark grey suit…"
"Alright…"
"And you were wearing a white suit."
"Makes sense…"
"With a hat."
"Ok…"
"And pretty brooches all over it…"
"KAY GOT IT, YOU'RE GONNA HATE MAIL FOR HOMOPHOBIA AND LELOUCH-SEME FANS, SO WHATEVER!"
I don't really give two shits…
So both of them went into their separate dressing rooms, putting on the clothes they died in. Seems appropriate for a wedding anyway… ba dum tiss…
Did I mention there's not gonna be sex in the fic? Yeah, I'd have hit the back button, too…
Light was nao standing in the chapel with Tanaka – who was back to his original form because he has to talk.
LeLouch stepped in like a boss – really, Train, really? That's even more contrived than the MPGIS reference – in his totally manly outfit, strollin' down the aisle to piss off the haters. Does LeLouch have haters? I think I know like, one…
"Dearly beloved…" Tanaka looked out at the pews. "Why is there a Death Note placed in the front row?"
"Well it's hard to come up with a guest list when everyone you love was killed off…"
"Yet somehow, I'm still the maid of honor…" CC piped in. Probably should've mentioned her earlier…
"No hard feelings, right?" LeLouch asked.
"Dude, you had three canon love interests including me, that strongly implied love interest with Suzako, and that kinda creepy obsession with your sister…"
"I swear we have pizza…"
"I hope you appreciate what I go through for you…"
Suddenly Ryuk burst through the roof of the building.
"Sorry I'm late, I was – "
"Literally no one cares, just stand there and look pretty."
The shinigami waved awkwardly at everyone before taking his place behind Light.
Tanaka cleared his throat. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this gay and this transgender shinigami in marriage. If anyone here objects to why these two should not be wed, leave your comment in the review box and I'm certain the author will take it into consideration. Now then… whoever's name is written on this marriage certificate, shall die…"
LeLouch and Light both turned to Tanaka in horror.
"… after spending a lifetime together with their spouse…" he continued.
"Oh lord, tell me the rest of this ceremony isn't going to be horribly written Death Note puns…"
"No, that would require actually reading the rules of the notebook. Have you seen them? They take up most of the fucking notebook! There's one about how shinigami can't have sex, right outta nowhere. There's one that says if you own seven notebooks, the last one won't work, WHY? What's the point of that, it never made it into the actual series!"
And then Tanaka shrunk down because his OOCness had gotten the better of him.
"Is this the part where we say 'I do?'"
"Well Hollywood never bothers to film out an entire actual wedding ceremony, so why the fuck would a fanfic?"
"Then kiss me baby!"
And then they kissed and it was hot and gave me feels. Yoshi if you're reading this, thank you for that Light/LeLouch kissing manip!
The reception consisted of pizza and apples because you know that's the only reason Ryuk and CC bothered to show up. They pigged out while the two newly weds discussed their future dictatorship plans. But chances are, if you clicked on this fanfic you don't care about that and just want Light/LeLouch fanservice. Congratulations, you're one of the three people in this world who does.
At any rate, the reception didn't last long due to there only being five people who give no fucks about parties, and the two bounded butt-buddies found themselves driving home early.
"I can't believe Misa never made an appearance… honestly, what was the point of mentioning her?"
"The author likes to give shout-outs to hated female characters in her yaoi fics, as a way to make up for the fact that she also is ignoring those hated female characters and is writing a yaoi fic. Isn't that right, Hannah?"
The demon maid nodded and then jumped out the car. She landed safely because I like her.
"So when we get home, are we going to continue going over our plans for world domination, or just fuck each other's brains out?" Light asked.
"Well this is a fanfic, so probably the latter…"
"Good… I'm curious to see what your penis looks like."
"Are we gonna have to rate this fic up cuz of that?"
"No, I don't really mean it in a sexual sense, I just mean… your fingers are so long and weird-looking and bend in ways fingers aren't meant to bend… it just makes me curious what the hell your penis looks like!"
"I feel like doujinshis should answer that question…"
And I'm out of jokes, so this is the end of the fanfic.
…
Me: Hey is this the part where I talk with the characters?
Me: Oh wait, already did that…
Me:…
Me: Hello?
Me: Yeah, I just spent all morning writing a crack-fic instead of doing schoolwork, I wouldn't talk to me either, bye-bye…