Prologue (In between Ray of Light and Time of My Life)

Clare really couldn't handle being alone, reading any more of her mom's psychology books, at the moment. After Eli dumped her to continue doing drugs while he was "grieving" over Cam's death, she felt like everything she had just came undone. Her sister gone, and who knows if she was ever coming back. Her parents marriage, dead and over. Her father virtually abandoning her for his new fiancee. Her mother enamored with her new husband. Her stepbrother, her ex, was the one to introduce Eli to drugs and even though she couldn't hold Jake responsible for Eli's actions, she sure wished he had listened to her when she said that giving Eli weed was a bad idea. Eli had made her promise that she was all in before they could get back together and she was, and she thought he was too, but he was gone. She had a hole in her heart and she wanted Eli back, but she was also afraid that if she let him fill it, he'd just rip a bigger hole the next time around. Should I stay or should I go? Did it matter. Clare would be left broken either way.

She couldn't really go to Alli about this as they didn't even talk anymore and the only one she had left was Adam. She got in the trunk and drove over to his house. She rang the bell. Drew answered. Why wasn't he with Bianca? "Hey, is Adam home?"

"No. He went out with Becky."

"I thought she was trying to 'save' him or something."

"I think she's over that."

"I won't keep you." Clare got ready to leave.

"I'm not busy."

"You don't have plans with Bianca?"

"We're done."

Clare stepped inside. She really didn't want to be alone right now.

The two looked at each other, not having much to say at first.

"So, how have you been?" Drew asked her, assuming she had wanted to vent to Adam.

"I've seen better days, but I'm hanging in there. How about you?"

"Sucky! I thought Bianca meant it when she said yes after I proposed, but she changed her mind."

"Eli told me I had to be all in, just to decide doing drugs was a better way to grieve than me trying to support him."

They shared a look of mutual understanding.

"Why can't we just get it right?" Drew asked as they went up to his room.

"Because we're human. Sexual pathology is one of the hardest things to change."

"Were you and Eli particularly sexual?" Drew raised a brow.

"No, but dating is a part of the same regime. We develop patterns and repeat them in our relationships, each time hoping for a different outcome?"

"So we are all crazy."

"Effectively, yes. Love drives us crazy."

"Any way out?"

"Dr. Kurth, a psychotherapist who's book my mom owns, suggests that the only shot at escaping is by breaking the mold. Do something that is the opposite of how you would normally approach dating. You need a taste of what it is like to change before you can actually commit to changing."

"Does that work?"

"The first time, no. You just go back to what your instincts tell you, but if you keep rebelling, you might come to understand that you have options other than your patterns and one day, you might take that other option. Most of the time though, you keep taking the option that will fail because you feel too invested. You need it to work to justify all of the other times you tried."

"So if Bianca comes back to me, I'll say yes, even if I don't think it will work because if I say no, then I basically should have said no from the beginning?"

"Exactly."

"Wow, that sucks."

"Sorry. Dr. Kurth may as well be wrong, but it sounds like what I do with Eli. I keep seeing reasons to run, but his eyes always draw me back."

"I know some of the reasons, but why do you run?"

"Well, when we first kissed, he pretended it didn't mean anything because he wasn't over his dead ex, then when he acknowledged that he had feelings for me, he started hoarding, then he got into world war 3 with Fitz and almost got stabbed right in front of me because he couldn't stop fighting, then he became obsessive: he wrote a story where he killed me and drank my blood, so I wouldn't leave him, then he bought tickets to a convention to take me away from the weekend after I told him I needed space, then he wrecked his car after I said I didn't like it when I refused to go to the convention just to get me to visit him in the hospital. After I broke up with him, he wrote a crazy play to try and get me back, he tried to plant drugs in Jake's locker, he kept trying to sabotage our relationship just to have a breakdown when it didn't work and then, we kiss at the frostival and when we get back together and I finally think we have it right, he goes off on a drug bender and dumps me."

"Wow! And after all of that, you think you'd take him back."

"I say no way, but I probably will come back for more. I always do."

"Damn that sucks!"

"Tell me about it."

"Ice cream?"

"Yes!"

Clare and Drew went downstairs to get some ice cream.

"So how does this breaking the cycle work?" Drew asks as he has ice cream on his lip.

"Well, first, you have to figure out what kind of dater you are. Second, you have to figure out what is the furthest you can get from it. Third, you jump at the first chance, almost like it was an instinct, even though it's not your instinct at all. Take me for an example. I'm a serial monogamist. As soon as I break up with someone, I deal with it by looking for someone else to date. K.C. dumped me I fell for Declan. Declan wanted Holly J; I considered Wesley. I date Eli; that fails I date Jake. That fails, I date Jake again. That fails, I'm back with Eli. If I had it my way, I'd always have a boyfriend, so for me, doing the opposite would be either a random hookup that I won't repeat, or dating multiple guys at once. or even a combination of the two."

"What do you think I am?"

"An overlapping serial monogamist."

"Is that a fancy way of saying cheater?"

"Basically. Look at your track record."

"I guess you have a point. So how do I break that cycle?"

"You could try hooking up once and then walking away. Don't make a commitment you can't keep; just don't make one at all and see how you feel afterwards. There are different reasons for cheating. For guys, it's often lack of sex, but at your age, it's probably more. You might just not be one for commitment and some people have open relationships to reflect that, or cheating could be your way of signaling that you want out and don't know how to ask. You can't know unless you know what it's like to be with a girl without the commitment."

"How do you ask a girl for a commitment free hookup? What if she likes you after or you like her?"

"Talk to her first? I'm no good at this. I was supposed to be commitment free with Jake, but I got jealous when I saw him kiss Katie and got him to be my boyfriend."

"Hello, Miss. I think you are cute, but I'm a bit turned off by relationships right now, so if we could just hook up and just walk away, that would be mighty nice."

Clare chuckled. "Maybe this is what happens in bars, except people just go home with each other and don't exchange numbers afterwards."

"I don't want a random bar chick."

"I don't want a random bar dude."

"It would be nice if it were a girl that I know and like, but not in that way, who would understand and not make a scene about it at school."

"Guys are just as bad. No way I hook up with a guy who wouldn't want to tell everyone about what he did with 'Saint Clare.' The last thing I would need is everyone thinking I'm a slut for not being in a relationship."

"Who would think that you're a slut?"

"You'd be surprised at the shit I hear in the girls' locker room. They're more judgmental than the guys."

"You think so. I know some pretty chauvinistic, homophobic dudes."

"They're at least honest about it. The girls will smile at you to your face, and wait until your gone for the real vitriol to begin. The worst is when they don't even know your in the room, or maybe they do and just pretend that they don't. I don't even know anymore."

"So where are we now? Hoping for a person who will come a long, so we can hook up and just walk way just to try and have a better perspective when we make the inevitable mistake of taking back our exes."

"Pretty much."

"Now how do we find such people?"

"Close your eyes," she told him.

He did, and she kissed him. He kissed her back, enjoying her lips, but then his brain told him to abort, so he pulled away. "Clare, I don't like you that way."

"That's precisely the point." She kissed him again. This time, he didn't interrupt her. Instead, he took the lead, rolling on top of her as his hands roamed her sides. Their tongues met and she could still taste the sweet ice cream on his lips. He grunted. After tousling around for a while, Clare reached for his shirt and he lifted his arms. His lips found her neck and he started to bite.

"Not there, bite lower, so my mom doesn't see."

"But your shirt's in the way."

"Then, take it off." He pulled her shirt off. Then, he went to just below her collarbone and he bit and sucked her flesh. She groaned as he left his mark on her, She was gorgeous. He never thought he'd have her in his bed without her shirt on. He left soft kisses down her stomach and on the top of her breasts. He unsnapped her bra and took it off, greedily sucking in a nipple as she moaned and pushed his head forward for more. He used his teeth, gently at first, but as she got louder, he got rougher. Then, he switched sides. He flipped her, so she was on her stomach and began kissing her from her back up to her shoulders and on the back of her neck. "YMMM Drew!" No one had ever kissed her so thoroughly before.

Their eyes were locked in a gaze, both unsure of what to do next. Clare made a decision. She grabbed his waistband and unzipped his pants, yanking them down. Drew didn't expect her to be so brazen. He kicked off his jeans and went right back on top of her, but her jeans were kind of scratchy to his junk, so he unzipped them and yanked them down. Only two thin pieces of fabric separated them. His erection was not ignorable at this point and he could feel how wet she was.

"Do you have any condoms?" She whispered into his ear.

"Yes, do you want to …." She covered his mouth in a kiss, giving him her answer.

"Just promise me one thing," she said.

"What is it?"

"That whatever happens, if you get back with Bianca or if I end up with Eli again, that we'll still be friends."

"Of course Clare. This is just a hook up. We'll both walk away." He kissed her like she was the only thing that mattered and for a split second it was true. Clare felt free, like she didn't have to get stuck in the Eli circle of doom, like she had a way out.

Drew broke the kiss to kiss her down her body again, but this time, he yanked off her panties and tossed them aside. They said Lucky You on a gold star. How fitting. He pushed her legs apart and shoved his tongue into her.

"OH GOD!" She cried out as she had never had anyone in there before. He twisted his tongue, making her body shake as he rubbed her clit with his thumb. She started to get wetter and he sucked her clit into his mouth and put a finger in her. Damn, she's tight. Clare had never felt full before. It was a weird, but pleasurable experience. He kept going until he could get a second finger and kept going until she came hard, shrieking his name as she spasmed and gushed all over his face. Good thing they were the only two home, or his mother would be banging on the door right now. He kissed his way back up her tender flesh and then he went to get a condom and wipe off his sticky face. He pulled down his boxers and put the condom on.

Clare had never seen a naked man before, not like this. She wasn't counting porn or when she saw Eli streaking. She means when a man wants a woman. He kissed her neck and said, "This is going to hurt. Tell me if you want me to stop." He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close as his hands found her hips. He held her steady as he pushed his way inside of her. She was tight and he felt resistance. He slowed down and then he kissed her as he pushed, tearing through, making her wince and start to tear up. He kept going until he was all of the way inside of her, and then he held still, letting her adjust to him as he held her in his arms. He kissed her neck and she bit his shoulder. When he felt her relaxing, he started to move slowly and carefully.

This was it, Clare thought. This was sex. She was nice and warm in Drew's bed. His body was like a heat sink. She was in pain, but she felt like she was letting go of a lot of pain in this moment. She was letting go of her anxiety and her dread about being that perfect little girl who is hung up on a moody, dark-haired boy. She took her freedom while it lasted because she knew it was short lived.

The pain started to fade a little bit, but it was still quite apparent. Her nails dug into his back as he thrusted and moans escaped her lips. Drew never felt like this before. He was totally wasted when he slept with Katie and who knows when Bianca lost her virginity. Right now, it was just him and Clare; the rest of the world could wait.

Eventually, their time came to a close. He came, holding onto the condom as he pulled out,their affair finito. He threw the condom away and then wrapped his arms around her stomach, holding her to him until it was time for her to go home. She got in her car and went home. All she took with her was the memory of his lips when he kissed her goodbye.