Honey, We've Been Conscripted!

by HISTK

General Jennings from the TV episode "Honey, It's Doomsday" returns to pay a visit to the Szalinski casa...with the troops. The kingdom of Genovia declares war on the U.S. while the family dog engages in his own battle against an evil troop mascot.

"Honey, We've Been Conscripted!"
By www.HISTK.TV

The author claims no rights to the intellectual property of this story. All trademarks and copyrights belong to their owners.

Wayne Szalinski was soldering a circuit as Mr. Jennings walked into his work lab at JenTech West.
"Szalinski, just the inventor monkey I wanted to see."
Wayne looked away from his project to see Mr. Jennings.
"Did you know when soda comes out of a restaurant soda dispenser it's already cold without ice and it stays cold for a long time?"
"Yeah, I guess so Mr. Jennings."
"For years," Mr. Jennings continued, "I've been putting ice before adding soda. So much ice and now I learn that all the ice did was take up space so I'd have less cold soda."
Wayne wasn't sure where this was going. "O.K..."
"So I want you to build me a TARDIS cup. I got the idea from this show called Doctor Who."
"What?"
"Who."
"Huh?"
"Doctor Who."
"Who's the doctor?"
"Stop it! Anyway Szalinski, on the show a box was bigger on the inside than the outside. I want you to make a cup bigger on the inside than the outside."
"Who would...I mean why do you want that?"
"Duh, so I could get hundreds of cup refills in one refill and so I can get back at the restaurants."
"Mr. Jennings, as much as I would love to help you scam the fast food industry; have you considered that no dishwasher can clean out such a dimensionally transcendental cup?"
"Fudge bunnies! Well, at least my idea is better than what you're working on."
"Actually, this is a revolutionary way to..."
"Funny you should mention 'revolution' Szalinski. I need to ask you another favor."
"Mr. Jennings..."
"Do you remember learning about the American Revolution in school? How the loyalists fought for independence from the patriots?"
"I think it's the other way around."
"Whatever. I am a big picture guy Szalinski. When my country calls me for help I am there. So when my brother General Bull Lytton Jennings called me for help today, do you know what I did?"
"You offered help?"
"No," Mr. Jennings said shaking his head. "I said I'd be there. I told him you would help."
"What?"
"Military cutbacks have closed his base. My brother needs a place to put the troops so I told him they can crash at your place."
Wayne Szalinski looked sternly at Mr. Jennings. "You can't do that!"
"Szalinski, it's not like you're giving up a right. I am just asking you to house and quarter soldiers during peacetime." Mr. Jennings tapped the table. "It's that or 'Mister Endless Refills'. That is what I want it to be called."
Wayne Szalinski's pager went off. "It's Diane. Something is up at the house!"
Mr. Jennings looked at his watch. "Fifteen hundred hours. You have to love military promptness." Mr. Jennings then tapped his watch. "You also have to love anybody who can get twenty-four hundred hours on such a small watch. Crazy!"

Wayne drove the Szalinski van out of the JenTech West parking lot while trying to contact Diane through the Wrist Communicator. "Papa Bear to Mama Bear! Papa Bear to Mama Bear!"
Diane answered back. "Wayne! There are troops parking outside our house!"
"I know. Mr. Jennings' big brother is visiting us apparently."
"But he tried to fire missiles at you and those aliens the last time he was here."
"Tell me about it. Diane, is Nick there?"
"I'm right here dad. Amy's here too."
"Good. Nick, it's time for emergency plan L."
"What's emergency plan L?," Diane asked.
"Nick will explain. Just stay in the house until I get there."

Nick reached behind the Szalinski Breakfast Buddy and pulled out a large envelope hidden behind it. "Plan L," Nick explained while opening the envelope and giving Diane and Amy each rings, "is to hide the lab."
"These rings look like the Thinkie Ring," Amy remarked.
"They contain Szalinskium like the Thinkie Ring but treat the Q-waves differently. Right now, dad is turning on the lab's Lay Low circuits remotely from the van. Those circuits emit Q-waves which create a mental blind spot for anybody who even thinks about the lab in the attic. These Szalinski Peek-A-Boo rings allow us to still perceive the lab."
"How come I didn't know anything about this plan?," Diane asked.
Nick shrugged. "I am the man of the house now."
Amy admired the blue shine of the Szalinski Peek-A-Boo ring. "So nobody else will notice the lab?"
"Quark still can. You would have to be as mentally dull as an animal to still notice the lab without the ring."

"Ryle! Private Homer Ryle! Where is that..."
"Here I am General."
"Ryle! What is that in your hand?"
"I know you've been mad because I've been messing up lately so I got you a thermos as a present. It's a perty shinin' one with your favorites inside."
"What's in it?" General Jennings shook the container.
"Two cups of coffee and a scoop of Chocolate Madness."
"Ryle! Why would you mix ice cream with coffee?"
"I didn't think it would work at first either but the master-at-arms in the Mess promised me a thermos would keep hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Ryle!..."

Wayne Szalinski parked his van next to a tank and approached General Jennings.
"General. Your tanks and jeeps are blocking the road."
"Excuse me civilian. I am in charge here."
"Look General. We're at peacetime and since your base is closed maybe you can all go home until there is a war."
"But we are at war now. As of thirteen hundred hours we've been at war with the kingdom of Genovia."
"Why would America go to war with Genovia?"
"We didn't. The Genovian kingdom declared war on America."
"Isn't that like a mouse roaring?"
General Jennings looked puzzled. "Huh?"
"I mean, why would a small kingdom declare war on a world superpower?"
"The president appointed Christy Carlson Romano as a diplomat to Genovia. After she visited a reporter asked her how the kingdom's popcorn tasted and she said, 'It tastes like chicken.'"
"Couldn't she tell Genovian popcorn tastes like pears?"
"Of course. But the State Department told her to say it tastes like chicken. Chicken is the most diplomatic flavor because anything can be described as tasting like chicken."

Quark, the Szalinski family dog, looked back and forth between his master Wayne and the general. Quark decided this is a wacky adventure to stay out of. He scurried to the backyard and barked the command to open the doghouse his master built. However, as the door slid open he saw a German Shepherd already in the doghouse.
"Who are you?," Quark barked.
"Name's MacArthur. I'm the troop's mascot."
"Yeah, well you're in the house my master built for me.," Quark barked back.
"You gonna move me pup?"
"Maybe." Quark hoped his bark was tough enough.
Meanwhile, Amy and Nick were in the attic.
"...And what happens if I take off the Peek-A-Boo ring when I am in the lab already?"
As Nick began to answer Quark could have been seen popping up in front of the attic window crying. He dropped back down out of sight by the time Nick and Amy turned their heads.
"Did you hear something Amy?"
"Not sure."
Quark ran away from MacArthur yelping in pain. "Yeah, you run little punk pup."

About an hour later, Private Homer Ryle was on the second floor of the Szalinski house looking for the bathroom. He tried a door and found himself in an attic with all kinds of electronic wonders.
"All these blinkin' lights. Like the batcave," Ryle thought to himself. He looked around and stepped on the blinking platform of the Time Hopper. It activated and rings of rainbow halos surrounded his body. Instantly, he was transported to the end of the Szalinski driveway and behind General Jennings.
General Jennings turned around. "Ryle! Where did you come from?"
"I was looking for the bathroom."
"Private Ryle. I thought Uncle Sam had you housebroken after enlistment. This is a large metropolitan area so I would imagine this house has indoor plumbing."
"I was...But then I was here."

MacArthur was lying in the glamorous new shelter he found. Suddenly, a bell rang musically. MacArthur put his left front paw on a button to turn on a magic window that showed him the outside world.
"It's that cat from earlier today. Clearly she wants some extra pain." MacArthur marched outside and suddenly heard a bark from above. Looking up he saw Quark on top of the doghouse tipping a bucket of water. MacArthur became soaking wet.
"Punk pup!," MacArthur exclaimed as the empty metal bucket fell on his head. He shook the bucket off and saw Quark running toward the house. "I'll get you punk pup!"
MacArthur chased Quark through the doggie door and up the stairs. Quark slowed around a corner and MacArthur went faster around the corner to intercept. Before he realized it, Quark was on top of some kind of box. MacArthur tried to stop but slid into the box. Suddenly, MacArthur somehow found himself in a dog carrier stored in the Szalinski attic. MacArthur tried to struggle out of the carrier.
"Let me out pup! I shall return revenge! Do you hear me? I shall return or my name ain't MacArthur!"
A few moments later Quark pushed the attic door open. "Hey, MacArthur," Quark barked, "Visitor!"
The cat MacArthur bullied earlier in the day entered. "Remember me?," the cat meowed. The cat's shadow fell upon the doggie carrier. "Welcome to Catonimo Bay."
"Ruh-roh!," MacArthur groaned.

General Jennings ran up to Diane and Wayne. "Good news civilian Wayne Szalinski. The war is over."
"See, in six hours. I knew the kingdom of Genovia couldn't take on the U.S."
"What are you talking about? The Genovians are the Klingons of Europe. They slaughtered us."
"You look happy, General Jennings.," Diane remarked.
"Of course. Now that the U.S. lost a war to the kingdom of Genovia congress is increasing the defense budget for when the Genovian barbarians attack by sea. My base is open again!"
Wayne whistled. "Wow, the mouse that roared."
General Jennings scratched his head. "I still don't get what that means."

Private Ryle went through the house looking for MacArthur. "Mac. Are you here?," Ryle asked as he opened the attic door. Ryle could here whimpering in a nearby doggie carrier.
"Oh, Mac! Did you lock yourself in there?"
"The things I heard...Oh, the things I saw," MacArthur whimpered.
Private Ryle took MacArthur out of the carrier and held him. "Are you homesick, boy?"
"The things I heard...Oh, the things I saw."
Private Ryle held MacArthur as he stepped onto the Szalinski Time Hopper. "You'll like this."
Ryle materialized at the end of the inspection lineup. "...And Private Homer Ryle." General Jennings looked up from his clipboard. "Just in time for a change. But why are you holding MacArthur?"
"He's homesick."
"Well, I guess we all are. Let's go home men."
General Jennings took another look at MacArthur. "I swear. If I didn't know any better I would swear Mac's shell shocked."
MacArthur whimpered incoherently.

The End