'Edward, I REALLY thought I'd never have to say this, but… don't be a bitch.'

The blonde in question arched an eyebrow at his superior, a dangerous look in his eye. Everyone in the military, and most of the inhabitants of Central, knew that an angry Edward often resulted in cases of attempted murder or bodily harm to the person who'd dared to infuriate the Fullmetal Alchemist.

'I'm sorry?' Edward asked sweetly. 'What did you say?'

Of course, if Roy Mustang had been anyone else, the alarm bells in his head would have been going off and the sensible part of his mind would have been screaming, Oh God oh God oh God oh God he's pissed off I'm going to die oh God I'm too young to die why me I wonder how quickly I can get to the door without him ripping my legs out oh God oh God oh God…

However, Roy Mustang was not anyone else. He was Colonel Roy Mustang, renowned womaniser of Central, Riza Hawkeye's main target practice dummy and a source of constant annoyance for his vertically challenged subordinate. And after dating the aforementioned subordinate for the better part of two years, it was safe to say that his ego had inflated to gigantic proprtions and made him believe that he could always calm the blonde down when they were fighting, and remain unscathed.

This was, however, a delusional belief.

'I said, don't be a bitch,' Roy told the younger alchemist calmly.

'WHO ARE YOU CALLING A GIRL?' Edward shrieked, successfully breaking the sound barrier for the third time that day.

'Yell a little louder, Ed. I don't think they could hear you on the other side of the Gate.'

'I said, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING A GIRL?' he yelled again - louder this time. The black-haired man was pretty sure Edward had burst one of his eardrums.

'Come on, Ed, please?' Roy fixed the younger man with one of his irresistable stares, changing tack entirely. He needed at least one working eardrum, and baiting the blonde wasn't going to do anything other than see him beaten within an inch of his life, being knocked unconcious, and then waking up in a ditch to find that he'd been castrated. Or something as equally horrific and painful - no sex, for example.

'No.'

'Please?'

'No!'

'Why not?'

'I don't want to!'

'I'll do it by force, Ed, I mean it.'

'Bastard!' Edward turned to leave the room. 'I was thinking about saying yes, but now you'll have to live without it!'

'Hey, get back here! I'll get it whether you like it or not!' The black-haired man grabbed the blonde's arm before he could leave the room. Edward turned to face him, a challenging look in his
eye.

'How much do you want it?'

'I'll take all I want from you.'

Edward frowned, obviously unhappy with the answer. 'Do you promise to be good boy afterward?'

Roy nodded eagerly. 'I promise.'

An evil grin spread across the younger alchemist's face as he escaped the older man's grasp and darted from the room. 'Too bad!'

'Come on, shorty, you know you want to give me some.' Roy called, grinning.

'DAMN IT, MUSTANG, THAT'S IT!' a yell could be heard from another one of the rooms that Edward had run to. 'NOW THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I'M SHARING MY CHOCOLATE WITH YOU!'