Inspired by the Simon & Garfunkel song of the same name. Warning death fic.

He was my brother
Tears can't bring him back to me

He Was My Brother

In all her years with NCIS she had lost four agents….until today. She was very much afraid that today she had lost two more, one to death and the other to a grief so profound that he might never recover. Their deaths and her failure to save Clara were her biggest regrets. There were those who said she had lost her humanity a long time ago; that she was incapable of mourning. They were wrong. She just knew how to hide it.

The boat shed was silent as if the world was holding its breath. The pressure in her chest increased. The man in the interrogation room was quiet too, staring at the camera with red, bloodshot eyes. He hadn't spoken since his arrival.

"Do we have to do this now, Owen?" she asked even though she knew the answer.

"This might be our only chance. Once he walks out of here he may not come back."

"He's lost team members before."

"Never like this."

She tore her gaze away from the monitor to look up at the grim-faced Assistant Director. "Handle him carefully."

"I know what I'm doing, Henrietta." Granger picked up a bottle of water before walking away.

Moments later Hetty saw him enter the interrogation room, put the water in front of Callen and sit down. She clenched her hands tightly together to stop them shaking. All she could do was watch and hope that he knew he had her silent support.

NCISLA

Callen had been aware of the scrutiny. None the less he still flinched when the door opened. His body felt heavy and lethargic, his head aching and his eyes dry. From the pain in his throat he knew he had screamed his denial to the sky although he could no longer remember doing it. Thinking was hard through the fog that had invaded his brain. The cool water was welcome until it hit his stomach where it settled uneasily.

"Why am I here?" he asked. "I should be with Michelle and the children."

"Hetty and I have spoken to her. She always knew this day could come."

"It was my job to tell her."

"No, Agent Callen, it wasn't. She doesn't need to hear you blame yourself for Sam's death."

Callen stared at Granger, struck dumb by the insensitivity of that remark.

"She needs a friend, not someone wallowing in self-pity."

Callen stood up, the chair scraping across the concrete with a discordant howl. "I don't need you to tell me how to mourn my best friend."

"Sit down. We aren't done."

"Go to hell." Callen pulled out his gun and badge, slamming them down onto the table. "I quit."

"I'm not going to accept your resignation, Agent Callen. Sit down."

The fight drained out of Callen's body and he slumped back into the chair. "What do you want from me?"

"I want to understand what happened today."

"Sam died…shot in the back because I wasn't there to save him."

"That's too simplistic. Start at the beginning."

Callen stared at the wall, his jaw clenching and relaxing as he tried to find the words. "We'd been tracking a group of gun runners. Our intel was that they were meeting with their supplier in a warehouse down by the docks." He took another sip of water, his shaking hand betraying his emotional fragility. "It was quiet and very dark. I sent Kensi and Deeks round the back. Sam and I took the front. Sam went first and then I got blind-sided." He reached up to touch the bruise forming on his face. "I should have seen it coming."

The unexpected force of the blow had knocked him into the wall. In a daze he'd seen his attacker raise his gun but it wasn't aimed at him. Two bullets had slammed into Sam knocking him off his feet.

"Talk to me," Granger ordered.

"I killed the bastard who shot him."

He'd fallen to his knees beside his partner. Sam was still alive but the blood bubbling past his lips was evidence that at least one of the bullets had punctured a lung.

"We were still under attack. I managed to pull Sam behind some crates and out of the line of fire."

The air had been filled with a hail of bullets forcing him to keep his head down. Splinters of wood flew everywhere from the shattered crates. "Kensi and Deeks took them by surprise and that gave us an advantage."

"How many were there?"

"Ten - twelve maybe. When it was over I went back to Sam and…" he choked on a sob, tears running unheeded down his face.

"If you had it to do over, what would you do differently?"

Callen bowed his head, replaying the operation in his mind. It had been the same as a hundred other missions. There had been nothing to make them think this would have a different outcome. "Nothing," he whispered.

Granger nodded. "You were the team leader. The safety of the team was your responsibility but when you're in the field things happen that you can't prevent. A good leader has to accept that. It doesn't mean you can't learn from the experience."

"I don't want to learn from it. I lost my partner," Callen yelled.

"Yes, you did, and if you give up he'll have died for nothing."

"You're a callous bastard."

"I'm a realist. Sam gave his life for his country. He will be honored for that. You have to find the courage to look his wife in the eye and tell her that you're not going to give up. I understand that you feel your life's been ripped apart. It would be easy for you to walk away…to disappear. But, you don't have that luxury. Neither does Michelle. She has to be strong for her children. She was an operative too and you're one of the few people who know that. She will need someone to talk to who knows what it's like."

"I know."

"She isn't the only one. Kensi and Deeks saw a friend die today too. Hetty has to live with the knowledge that another of her agent's has been killed. What about Eric and Nell? They will be looking to you to help them understand."

"I've lost my family."

"Not all of them." Granger stood up and gently pushed Callen's badge and gun back to him. "You get to grieve but you don't get to do it alone and you don't get to abandon your friends. Take as long as you need. Come back to work when you're ready." He started to walk to the door.

"Granger."

The Assistant Director stopped and turned back. The lines of pain that had marred Callen's face had begun to ease.

"Thank you," Callen said.

Granger nodded wordlessly before leaving the room and gently closing the door behind him.

The End

Caroline

January, 2013