One shot entry for #CastleFanficMonday
Disclaimer: I am not associated with Castle, this is just a hobby.
She could tell something was wrong with Alexis by the way she had rushed through the front door and pounded up the stairs without a second glance to her. Kate looked in confusion as the red headed young girl disappeared upstairs before she heard the slam of her bedroom door.
Kate knew it wasn't like Alexis to do that, whenever she came home she would at least say hello or ask where her dad was, she would never ignore her and rush off to her bedroom without a second glance. Putting down her book, Kate made her way to the bottom of the stairs, listening out for any sign of movement from upstairs, but it was silent. Castle was at a meeting and if his text from an hour ago was anything to go by she wouldn't be waiting up for him.
"Alexis?" Kate called, but was met with silence.
Her and Alexis had grown close over the past few months and had become good friends since Alexis had returned home. They would have nights in watching movies and eating ice cream or quick breakfasts in the morning whilst Castle was still in the shower and she was making the coffee. They were like any other family and Kate was enjoying the feeling of being part of such a loving family. It hadn't always been that way, she had always questioned if there had been a tension between her and Alexis. After all she did put Castle in some dangerous situations; even if he insisted he was her partner and wasn't going to leave her, but if something went wrong, if he was every hurt she would be the one to take the fall. Alexis had never done this before, ran home and ignored her and the burning questions that she had managed to put to the back of her mind were beginning to resurface.
Slowly she made her way up the stairs. A few months ago she wouldn't have dared to, instead she would have left Alexis alone and spent the rest of the night on tender hooks in case she had done something wrong and upset her. As she made her way to the top of the stairs she began to listen out for any sign that the teen may have heard her and was simply not replying. Her feet carried her to stand right outside of Alexis's room, but she couldn't think what to do next. Obviously she cared for Alexis and wanted to know she was OK, but if Alexis didn't want to see her then this was probably the worst thing she could do.
Then again she couldn't just stand there, so she took a steady breath and knocked twice on the door.
"Alexis?" she asked again, "Alexis is everything OK?"
There was no reply, Kate sighed, taking the lack of communication to mean that she clearly didn't want to speak to her. She stared at the door for a moment as if that would help, as if Alexis would be able to sense her worry and open the door, but deep down she knew that Alexis wasn't going to open the door.
"I'll be downstairs if you need me Alexis" her voice was as optimistic as she could be but she couldn't help the drop in her tone as she turned to head back down the stairs.
Just as she turned she heard a noise coming from the teens room, a sound that she recognized all too well, a strangled sob echoed from the bedroom before a loud cry of pain radiated through the door. She couldn't leave, and she wasn't going to stand there and do nothing.
"Alexis, I'm coming in" and she turned around and grasped the door handle before slowly pushing the door open, "Alexis?" she questioned again as her eyes scanned the empty room before landing on the curled up form of Alexis at the side of her bed.
She was sat with her knees to her chest and her arms wrapped around her knees as her flame coloured hair covered her face like a curtain. Her shoulders were shaking as she tried to take in a deep breath but her lungs weren't co-operating. Kate watched as the scared teen brought one hand up to her chest as if to help herself breathe and remind her lungs that they were supposed to be working.
Kate rushed over and knelt in front of Alexis, grasping hold of both of her hands and bringing them away from her chest.
"Alexis it's me, it's Kate" Kate coxed, trying to get Alexis to focus on her voice. She watched as the scared teenager tried to take another breath but once again it got stuck in her throat as her terror filled eyes shot up and locked with Kate's.
"Kate?" Alexis asked on a breath, her voice dry and nothing like its usual sweet tone.
"Alexis I'm right here, you're OK, just breathe sweetie" Kate moved her thumb in a circular motion across the back of Alexis' hand, a movement she had recognized Castle do whenever she felt the similar signs of a panic attack creeping up on her.
"Can't" Alexis stuttered as her eyes filled with tears and her heart pounded against her chest.
"Yes you can Alexis, nice deep breaths now come on" Kate instructed, trying to get Alexis to calm down. She knew how scary panic attacks could be. The feeling of dread that builds inside as you try to catch your breath, the tightening of your chest as your sweaty palms try to gain purchase for something that is real to drag you back from the terror your facing. The burning pain that travels down your throat and constricts your breathing as you fight for air as your lungs refuse to co-operate. Yes, she knew the feeling all too well.
But she also knew how to calm herself down. After months of therapy she had learned to control it, taught herself how to take control before the panic attacks took over her whole body. She gripped Alexis's hands tighter, reinforcing the fact that she was there with her, a silent promise that she wasn't going to leave her.
"Kate" Alexis sobbed, her voice weak and broken, her slim fingers gripping onto Kate's as if her life depended on it.
"Alexis I'm right here, you're in your bedroom back at home. You're completely safe here, it is just you and me. Tell me where you are Alexis?"
Kate watched as Alexis swallowed hard, before forcing the words from her throat, "home" she rasped.
"That's right you're at home. Just focus on my voice" she saw Alexis's expression soften slightly as her fingers relaxed their grip slightly. "That's it, you're OK, deep breaths now bud, come on"
Kate kept hold of Alexis's hands as the teen began to calm slightly. She knew that too much contact was a bad idea, especially without her knowing what had set of this panic attack, but right now holding her hand was helping, so she would hold it as long as Alexis needed her to.
After a few minutes Alexis rested her head back onto her knees, her breathing now much calmer and her shoulders had ceased to shake. Kate didn't say anything, she knew how exhausting panic attacks could be especially if this one had come out of the blue, and she knew that Alexis would come round in her own time.
Kate shuffled around to sit beside Alexis, keeping contact with her at all times to let her know she was still there. She jumped slightly when Alexis wrapped her arms around Kate's middle; passing her surgical scar as she did so, before interlocking her fingers and shuffling closer to Kate's warm body. Kate wrapped one arm around the young girl's shoulders, letting her fingers gently stroke her hair as her hand in font wrapped around her to hold her close, embracing her in a gentle hug. Each of them sat for a while without saying anything. Kate watched intently as Alexis began to breathe normally again as quiet sobs escaped her lips, she didn't comment, didn't tell her that she shouldn't cry or that everything was over because she knew that it wasn't, there was always a trigger for things like this, an events that forces the panic to rise to the surface and take over all logical thinking.
"Thank you" Alexis whispered, pulling Kate back to the small teen in her arms, "I'm sorry"
"Alexis you have nothing to be sorry for" Kate replied softly.
"I couldn't breathe. It was so scary" she admitted, shuffling closer to the older woman.
"I know, I know how scary it can be. Just relax for a moment." Kate advised and she felt Alexis nod her head and sigh, a sign that showed the relief that she wasn't going to be made to talk about it. "Would you like me to go and get you a drink?" Kate offered, but Alexis shook her head.
"Stay with me, please?"
"I'm not going anywhere" Kate reassures her and she fells Alexis settle down beside her.
"How did you know?" Alexis asks.
"Know what?" Kate asks without moving.
"Know what was happening? Know what to do?"
"I've been there." She sighed, they had never told Alexis about the extent of her PTSD or how she had one night become so afraid that she had spent the entire night on her kitchen floor with her gun in her hand. "I know how scary it can feel when you feel like you can't breathe. You feel the dread build inside of you and there is nothing you can do to stop it. After my shooting I felt it a lot"
"You've had panic attacks?" Alexis asks, shifting her head so she is looking up at the brunette.
"Yes. Mostly it was after my shooting. I would wake up and feel as though I couldn't breathe, I'd have nightmares that would wake me, and they felt so real at the time." she paused, wondering if this was too much for Alexis, if she was still too scared to understand that the attacks may happen again, but the piercing blue eyes that stared back at her told her that she needed some form of explanation as to what she had just experience. "I thought they would go away after a while, I figured I was a cop and I should be able to handle it, but it only got worse. When I went back to work they resurfaced again, I was putting myself and my colleagues in danger, so I decided to get help."
"What do you mean?" Alexis asked, her intrigue so similar to that of her fathers.
"After an event like my shooting, the NYPD require you to undergo a physical and psychological test, just to make sure that you are fit for active duty. I passed but only because I told them what they wanted to hear. But once I froze on the job I knew I needed to go back and talk to my therapist again. He helped me work through what was causing the attacks and ways to handle them"
"Do you still have them now?" Alexis asked and she watched Kate sigh "I'm sorry, I'm being nosy, and you don't have to tell me, I…"
"I do" Kate interrupted, "They're not as frequent now. I haven't had a panic attack in a while now, but I still can sometimes sense when one is about to happen."
"How can you tell?"
"A few months ago your dad and I were investigating this case and we went to an abandoned warehouse. We were ambushed there and the guy knocked me to the floor. He knocked me out for a second and when I came too all I could think about was the pain in my chest and lying on the grass in the graveyard. It was as if my shooting was happening all over again. I can always tell when they are going to happen because I begin to find it hard to make logical sense of anything, I struggle to focus on anything but what is going on in my head. So instead I try to focus on a calmer voice, usually your dads. He told me the first time I panicked that 'I got this' he repeated it and it reminded me that I was in control." She smiled at the memory, at a time when she was vulnerable he was there for her, he had always been by her side. "Now I think of that and remind myself of where I am. It doesn't always work and sometimes it takes longer for me to realize what has happened but it worked that day."
"I got locked in the book room today" Alexis admitted softly. "My friends thought it was funny. We went down to the library to get some books and there is one room where you can leave books to collect later. I went down to put mine in before going for lunch when my friends shut the door. They thought it was funny, but I couldn't get out. I guess it reminded me of Paris. Of the cage they locked me in" her voice trailed off and she hung her head again. "It was so embarrassing, they were only having a laugh, when they finally let me out I ran off, I felt as though I couldn't breathe. I tried to calm myself down but all I wanted to do was come home. I just wanted to feel safe."
"Alexis I'm so sorry"
"It's not your fault. My friends probably think I was overreacting, they were only having a joke"
"Alexis you were not overreacting and this was not a joke, never let anyone make you think that. What you went through half of them couldn't even imagine going through. They have no idea what you experienced."
"Why would I panic though? It's not like I haven't been locked in a room before, we're locked in the loft every night"
"That's different Alexis. You know you can get out of the loft, but in that situation you weren't in control, just like in Pairs."
"I suppose" she shrugged, burying her head in Kate's embrace once again.
"Alexis look at me." she waited until Alexis lifted her head and her eyes were focused on Kate's, "It is OK to be scared. What happened to you today is completely normal for what you have been through."
"But what if it happens again? What would I have done if you hadn't been here?"
"I'm not going to lie to you, it's hard and it's terrifying at times. I was alone once. I spent the whole night watching my front door thinking someone was coming in. The next day I was exhausted and I didn't tell anyone which only made things worse. It helps to talk about these things. You will find a way of dealing with the attacks, you remind yourself that it's not real, that you are safe and suddenly everything seems OK again. You know you can talk to your dad and me any time, don't you?"
"I know. Thanks Kate, I'm so glad you were home"
"I'm glad I was here too. How are you feeling now?"
"I'm really tired" Alexis admitted and Kate knew that exact feeling.
"I'm sure you are. Why don't you get ready for bed and I'll bring you some water up?"
"Yeah, thanks Kate" Alexis nodded and reached up to wipe her eyes.
"I'll be back in a moment" Kate smiled, giving Alexis a slight squeeze.
Kate helped Alexis off the floor and onto her bed before leaving her to go back downstairs.
"Thank you" Castle voice surprised her as she reached the bottom of the stairs and saw him emerge from the kitchen
"Castle? I didn't expect you back so soon" Kate replied, the shock of his entrance soon fading and being replaced with a sense of delight that he was finally home.
"Managed to finish up early. Thank you for looking after Alexis"
"How long have you been home?" she questioned, wondering how much of the exchange he had witnessed.
"Long enough." He took her raised eyebrow as a sign that she was expecting a better explanation than that, "I heard you telling her that she was safe in the loft, when I came upstairs you were holding her and I didn't want to surprise either of you so I just waited for a bit. I've never her seen her experience a panic attack, I'm so glad you were here" he pulled her into his embrace, after a long day of being apart from her he was glad to have her in his arms again. "Kate why didn't you tell me about the Simon Doyle case? I never knew it had affected you?"
"I didn't want to make it into something it wasn't. I was fine and honestly I just wanted to forget about it" she mumbled into his chest.
"You know, what you did just then with Alexis, no one has ever done that for her before"
"Well she is a good kid" Kate replied, lifting her head to look at him, "I know what she is going through. She was really scared Rick, her friends locked her in a room and it brought back all the memories of Paris"
"I'm not surprised, when I found her they had her locked in a cage." his voice was rough, showing his exhaustion at the thought of what they had all been through in order to get her back, "I should go and see her, make sure she is OK" he kissed her again and then relaxed his arms, finally letting her slip from his hold.
"Here" Kate moved to grab a bottle of water from the fridge and went to pass it to Castle, "take her this, she's really tired, but said she wanted a drink"
"Come with me?" he asked, leaving the bottle in her hand.
"Course" Kate smiled.
The two made their way quietly up the stairs. There wasn't a sound coming from Alexis's bedroom as the two approached. Rick gently pushed the door open to reveal Alexis already sleeping soundly in her bed. Her hair fanned across the pillow as the bed sheets lay askew around her.
Rick made his way to the side of the bed, tucking in his daughter and placing a soft kiss on her forehead. Kate was in awe of this man, this kind, sweet and gentle man that would protect this family at any cost, but come home and be the man they knew and loved. She longed to see what he had been like when he was raising Alexis and a part of her was curious how he would approach the subject of having children with her. But that was another conversation for another night.
Castle walked back over to the door and Kate took his place at the side of her bed, placing the bottle of water on her bedside table and leaning down her move a piece of hair that had fallen across Alexis's face.
"Night bud" Kate whispered and placed a soft kiss to her hairline.
Kate moved to join Rick in the doorway, linking her fingers with his as they both took one last look at Alexis's sleeping form, before turning out the light.
Thank you for reading, please let me know if you enjoyed it, I love hearing what people think and it really humbles me that people take the time to read my stories.