Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.

TRAVOLYN

Part One

Alone in her ready room, sipping a coffee, Kathryn Janeway looked out at a planet that looked a lot like Earth. In fact, anyone could be forgiven for thinking it was the Alpha Quadrant world. It was about the same size, was the same distance from the sun, and was occupied by humans.

Humans and Vulcans.

Humans and Vulcans from the Federation that had been drawn to the Delta Quadrant by The Caretaker.

Kathryn had been amazed on learning this, amazed and excited at finding another stranded Starfleet crew, but now she wished she had never met them. The Starfleet crew, a large one of almost three thousand, had settled on this uninhabited planet after giving up their quest for home. They had been in the Delta Quadrant for ten years, eight of those on this planet, and with the help of the Reylin, a friendly race of neighboring aliens, had built an impressive settlement. It was called Travolyn, in honor of their once great starship that was now a museum, and over the years the population had grown to twelve thousand. Many couples had married and borne children, large families being encouraged, and others had set up home with a Reylin. A few hundred of the aliens lived and worked on the settlement and had since the beginning. The crew's former captain, James Ellis, was the planet's President, and he was both competent and charming. Tuvok knew him well, as they had once served together, and Chakotay had also made his acquaintance.

Chakotay.

It seemed he knew a lot of people. Too many people. One in particular.

An attractive redhead called Debi Lane.

According to B'Elanna, and Chakotay had confirmed it, he and this woman had once dated. Their relationship had ended almost as soon as it had begun, as Debi had accepted a deep space commission she had sought for years, but their parting had been amicable. Now, after two decades, they were getting reacquainted and spending a lot of time together.

Too much time.

And Kathryn was as jealous as hell.

Even though she had no right to be, as Chakotay was free to spend time with whoever he wanted, she couldn't help it. The former lovers were getting on far too well for her liking and Chakotay was enjoying Debi's company far too much. In the last three days Kathryn had only seen him twice, and today not at all. Neither had he spent the night on Voyager. She knew for she had checked. And that could only mean one thing: he had spent the night with Debi.

The thought was devastating, crushing, and the pain in her heart unbearable. How was she going to overcome it? How was she going to face the prospect of losing Chakotay? Because he was not a man for one night stands. If he had slept with this woman, it had to mean he cared for her.

Was maybe in love with her.

Was maybe planning on leaving Voyager to make a life with her.

He would not be alone.

Already over thirty crewmembers, both Starfleet and Maquis, had informed her they would be staying on the planet. It was hardly a surprise. Six years earlier, when they had encountered the 37's, hopes had been high that they would get home soon. No one had been willing then to give up on their journey. But now they were all six years older and Earth was still a lifetime away. It was only natural that many crewmembers, especially couples, would want to accept the settlement's invitation to stay. It was an incredible opportunity to start a new life. Amongst those who had decided to stay was Samantha Wildman. She and her husband were now divorced, him having met and married someone else after thinking his wife was dead, and Voyager was not the safest environment for Naomi. Neither did the little girl have any playmates. While Samantha didn't want to leave Voyager, she felt she owed it to Naomi to take a chance on Travolyn. The child could have a proper home, a proper school, and could play in the sun like all children deserved. Samantha also knew a few people, having met them at the Academy, and knowing them would make the transition easier. Kathryn had tried not to let her sorrow show when Samantha had told her, but her battle had been in vain for she had broken into tears as soon as Samantha had. Her only comfort had been the knowledge that Neelix was not leaving too. He had considered it, thinking Naomi would need him, but had concluded that Voyager's need of him was greater.

And it was.

Voyager needed every crewmember if it was going to reach its destination. With a crew complement of less than a hundred it would be difficult to keep her flying.

A hundred.

They were getting precariously close to that. The only saving grace was that a few of the settlers were going to join Voyager. But if the crew was still too small to continue, even with their numbers, they would all have to stay.

Stay and never see their families again.

Kathryn couldn't bear the thought.

Wouldn't entertain the thought.

Most of her crew did not want to stay. They had told her so in person. For this time she was not asking them to report to the cargo bay at a certain time if they did. She was asking them to speak to her personally. It felt kinder, somehow, as saying goodbye now would be so much harder than it had been then.

She could only hope she would not have to say goodbye to Chakotay.

Because she could not do it.

If he did want to be with Debi Lane, and it looked like he did, maybe Debi could be persuaded to join him on Voyager. She was an out of the box thinker, at least according to her record, and would have a lot to offer.

Suddenly, the door chime played.

Slowly, Kathryn turned from the window and called out.

"Come in!"

The doors opened and Tom came in with B'Elanna. From the look on their faces, and the way they were latched to each other, Kathryn's stomach sank. They had clearly decided to leave too. Of course they had, how could she have expected otherwise?

"Captain," Tom said, clearing his throat. "B'Elanna and I would...would like to talk to you."

Summoning all her strength, the Captain's strength that she depended on, Kathryn closed the gap between them. "I think I can guess what about." Inspite of her best effort, tears filled her eyes. "And of course I understand. You've just got married and..." She paused, a lump closing her throat. "But I'll miss you."

"Oh, we're not leaving," B'Elanna told her. "We just...I'm pregnant."

Kathryn's surprise was audible. "Pregnant?"

"Twelve weeks."

Tom spoke. "We know that should be all the more reason for us to leave Voyager and make a home here, but Voyager is our home and we'd like it to be our child's too. Even though Samanatha is staying, Naomi has done just fine here, and with Ensigns Rennick and Jenson wanting to marry and have children too, our little one won't be without a playmate."

"That's right," B'Elanna said. "We have no doubt that you'll get this ship home and we want to be onboard when you do."

For a long moment, Kathryn said nothing. She wanted Tom and B'Elanna to stay, wanted that with her whole heart, but she wasn't convinced that they had thought things through. Voyager was no place for a child. Not when there was an alternative. They needed to consider all their options. Needed to be sure that if they were staying it was for all the right reasons. Staying out of fear of leaving was not the answer.

"When I get this ship home," Kathryn said sadly, "I would love to have you onboard, but I'd be failing in my duty if I didn't advise you to consider all your options. This settlement may not be Earth, and it may not be as developed as the one we left the 37s on, but it has a lot to offer. Especially to couples. You can have your own home and you can give your child a secure future. Voyager can't give you that. I don't need to tell you how dangerous our journey is. Every step we take is into the unknown."

"We know that, Captain," Tom replied, "but this settlement, as great as it is, is not for us. Voyager is where we belong."

Kathryn stepped closer. "But you have to be sure, Tom. An opportunity like this may not come knocking again. It already has twice."

B'Elanna spoke. "We are sure, Captain. We're just unsure if we're welcome."

"Of course you're welcome. Why wouldn't you be?"

"Because we have the opportunity now of raising our child on this planet. You may think it's for the best that we do."

Kathryn put her hand on B'Elanna's shoulder. "That's not my decision to make. Only you and Tom can decide what is best for you and your baby. All I'm asking is that you think through your options carefully. Visit some schools, look around some houses. See what kind of life you could have here. Because once we've left, once we're back on course, it'll be too late to change your minds."

That evening, on a balcony that overlooked a lake that shimmered silver in the light of the planet's pearly moon, Kathryn dined with an old acquaintance. The woman, Emma Jacobs, had served with Kathryn on the Al Batani, and had been a passenger on The Travolyn when it got pulled to the Delta Quadrant. She was a rear admiral, by rank, and the most senior of all Starfleet officers on the settlement. She was also, technically, Kathryn's superior. The Admiral had declined the settlement's presidency, however, as she felt Captain Ellis was more suited to the post. Not only was she getting on in years, but she had no interest in a political career. She was happy teaching science at the settlement's small college. But she missed her family dreadfully, especially her two daughters, and it was with visible emotion that she talked about them.

"If my health was better," she said, "or I wasn't so old, I'd join you on your journey back to Earth. It would be a dream come true to see my children and grandchildren again. But I doubt I would survive the journey."

"I understand," Kathryn told her. "I'm hoping we'll get home this year, or next year, but the reality is our journey could be a long one."

"Yes. But I admire your courage in continuing. We weren't so brave. We were tired of trying to survive in hostile space, of constantly living on rations, and of never having a tomorrow to look forward to. We could only live for the day, for the moment. After two years, we could take it no more. When we found this planet, and the Reylin said they'd help us build a colony here, we didn't hesitate in settling. At least, not most of us. Commander Carr, our First Officer, was against the idea and there were a few others who objected." She paused. "Which reminds me, Commander Carr would like to talk to you. He returned a couple of hours ago from Drayliz, a demon planet we're mining a few light years away, and is very interested in joining your crew."

At this news, Kathryn's insides knotted. Commander Lucas Carr was a Starfleet Officer of impeccable and impressive record. She knew for she had looked up the profiles of all Captain Ellis's commanding officers. He was sixty years of age, distinguished, and had served as First Officer on several ships. It was only by choice that he had never been promoted to Captain. He had been offered times enough. If he joined Voyager then this would put her in a dilemma. By merit, Carr, and not Chakotay, should be her First Officer. He had far more command experience, was a decorated officer, a celebrated scientist, a recipient of many awards, and the elder officer. Starfleet Protocol would dictate that she make him her First Officer and demote Chakotay to Second. But how could she do that? Aside from the fact that she didn't want to, not in a million light years, how could she deprive Chakotay of his position on the ship when he had worked his butt off for seven years and made so many sacrifices? He didn't deserve demotion. He was the last person that deserved it.

But Starfleet Protocol would require it.

Starfleet Command, if they were ever in contact, would demand it.

But to hell with Protocol! To hell with Starfleet Command! Chakotay was her First Officer and she was determined he would stay her First Officer! Carr would have to settle for Second Officer. He had not been in active service for almost eight years. That could be excuse enough.

"But I see the thought of Carr joining your crew unsettles you," Emma said.

"Yes," Kathryn confessed. "But only if he upsets my command structure. I have no intention of demoting Chakotay. If Carr wants to join us, he'll have to settle for Second Officer."

Emma smiled. "Relax. He'll settle for Second Officer. Hell, he'd settle for conduit scrubber if it meant a ride home! He's a good man and won't upset the cart."

"I'm glad to hear it. But then..."

"Then what?"

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. "Maybe the post of First Officer will be vacant soon."

Emma took a sip of wine. "Chakotay's thinking of staying?"

Kathryn nodded. "At least, rumor says so."

"Almighty Rumor. But he hasn't told you so?"

"No, not yet." A tear ran down her cheek. "But I don't want him to stay. He's a very dear friend and..."

Emma put her hand on Kathryn's. "You love him."

Kathryn flinched. "How do you...?"

"I saw the way you looked at Debi Lane when he was with her yesterday. If that look wasn't jealousy then I'm not a Jew."

Kathryn averted her eyes. "I have no right to be jealous, I know that, but I can't help how I feel."

"None of us can."

"But my feelings are irrelevant. Even if he felt the same...and I don't know what he feels...we can never be together, not while we serve on the same ship."

"Normally, I'd agree," Emma declared, "but your circumstances are unique. No one can expect you to be alone. With all the responsibilities on your shoulders, I'd say it's all the more important that you have someone's love and support."

Kathryn withdrew her hand. "I don't need it. And it would be wrong for me to have it when it's because of me that my crew are separated from their families. If I hadn't destroyed the array, if I'd found another way of protecting the Ocampa, husbands and wives wouldn't be separated, and children wouldn't be without a father or mother. It's only fair I suffer the way they suffer."

Emma looked at Kathryn in concern. Self-punishing was never good, and it seemed like Kathryn was self-punishing. Punishing herself out of guilt.

"You're not responsible for your crew's predicament, Kathryn," she said. "You made the right decision in destroying the array. I would have too and every Starfleet captain."

"No, not every captain. Not those who adhere to the Prime Directive. I broke it...or at least bent it...and my crew are paying the price."

"But are they? Are you absolutely sure you could have used that array to get your ship home? Are you absolutely sure you'd have been able to operate it correctly? Because one mistake, Kathryn, one minuscule mistake and you could have caused a disaster that would have killed billions. I wouldn't have risked it. Not for a second."

Kathryn's face paled. "I...I never thought of that. I never thought that attempting to use the array could be dangerous."

"No, because you're obsessing about the choice you made to destroy it. But at the time you knew that. I'm convinced you did. I'm convinced you knew that destroying the array was the safest option for everyone. And you were right." She took Kathryn's hand again. "Don't punish yourself anymore, Kathryn. You did the only thing you could do. You're not to blame for your crew's stranding. They're paying the price, as are we all, for The Caretaker's actions. He's the one who pulled us to this quadrant. He's the one who left us here. Don't blame yourself for the responsibility that is his."

Kathryn wept a little, she couldn't help it. "You're right," she said. "You're so right, and I feel..."

"Like a terrible burden has been lifted off your shoulders?"

Kathryn could only nod.

"Then I'm glad. You don't deserve to feel it's weight. You deserve to be happy."

"I think I''ve forgotten what it's like," she said tearfully. "For so long I've felt so guilty that I've found it hard to take pleasure in anything. Even my dreams have been haunted."

"By the ghost of an Admiral?"

Kathryn looked up. How did Emma know about the Admiral? Her older self that had plagued her dreams for the last few weeks? Disturbing and confused dreams about the future and the destruction of Earth by the Borg?

As though she could read her thoughts, Emma explained. "The Reylin have psychic abilities. One of them, my friend, Carwyna, saw an Admiral behind you when you visited our senate. Just briefly, just vaguely, but she saw her. A sad older you standing behind you. Carwyna didn't know what the vision meant, and neither did I, but now I think I do. I think my friend was sensing your guilt and regret, and those emotions manifested as an older you looking back at her life in sorrow."

"Maybe," Kathryn replied, "but I think...I think it's more than that. I've dreamed of the Admiral. For weeks I've had recurring dreams about my older self and the destruction of Earth. I can't remember them all, not in great detail, but it feels like the dreams are a warning somehow. But a warning about what, I don't know."

"To stop punishing yourself, perhaps. To stop wishing you could change the past."

"Perhaps. The Admiral changes the past...I remember that...something to do with a Borg transwarp hub and a pathogen...but things don't go to plan and Earth is destroyed by the Borg. But what it all means I don't know. It feels like a warning, but I've had recurring dreams before that were nothing more than my subconscious sending me a message."

"That's what recurring dreams usually are. But sometimes...well, maybe someone, in some time, is trying to tell us something."

"That's how it feels."

Emma topped up her wine. "When did the dreams start?"

"When we were charting a new course home. We do that every now and then...adjust our course to what we've learnt of the space ahead. I started to dream of the Admiral and started to have very strong instincts about what course we should chart. There were a lot of options, there always are, but some of them, passing through a certain space, made me feel cold inside."

"Then there must be something in that space that someone wants you to avoid."

"Yes. Or to avoid the future that entering that space would bring. A future in which Earth is destroyed by the Borg." She paused. "But even though I followed my instincts and chose an alternative route, I still have the dreams."

"Then there must be a chance that that future can still happen. Maybe it's you, as much as the route, that needs to change."

Kathryn considered. "Maybe. Or maybe I need to do something else...something else I haven't figured out yet...to change the future."

"Or do nothing. You say the Admiral changed history. She took it upon herself to rewrite the lives of millions. Who has that right? None of us. Like you, I've bent the Prime Directive many times...even broken it...but there is one thing I will never do, and that is to break the Temporal Prime Directive. However bad things are, we don't have the right to play God. We have to live with the consequences of our actions."

"You're right. I don't believe in changing history either. I never have...deliberately...and I'd like to say I never would. If I did...in some future...that me wasn't me. She was someone I became."

"Yes. A tortured soul haunted by guilt and regret. But you don't have to become her. I don't think now that you will become her. Because you have nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing to reproach yourself for. You're a brave, kind, principled woman who would give her life in an instant for a just cause. You don't deserve to be chained by guilt. Millions do, but not you."

Fresh tears filled Kathryn's eyes. "You really mean that, don't you?"

"Entirely. You're a credit to Starfleet, a credit to the Federation, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that your father would be very proud of all you've achieved. You should be too."

Suddenly, unexpectedly, Seven's voice spoke through Kathryn's commbadge. "Seven of Nine to Captain Janeway."

Composing herself, Kathryn answered. "Janeway here."

"I would like to speak with you, Captain. May I?"

"I'm afraid I'm otherwise engaged at the moment," Kathryn replied, not wanting to offend Emma by leaving dinner, "but if you..."

"I won't take up much of your time, Captain," Seven interrupted. "What I have to say is very important."

At this, Emma spoke. "You go, Kathryn. In your absence, I'll whip us up dessert."

"Ok," Kathryn smiled. "Seven, "I'll meet you in my ready room in five minutes."

"Thank you, Captain," the former drone replied. "I'll be there."

True to her word, Seven was waiting outside the ready room when Kathryn arrived there. The ex-borg was dressed in a black catsuit, an unusual color for her, and her hair was loose.

"I'm sorry to disturb your evening," Seven said as Kathryn approached, "but as Voyager is departing tomorrow, I need to speak with you tonight."

Kathryn didn't like the way this conversation was starting, but Seven was prone to over dramatizing. "In that case, let's get ourselves inside and talk."

They stepped into the ready room, lights coming on automatically, and then Kathryn gestured to the couch. "Shall we sit?"

"I am fine standing," Seven declared.

"Then we'll stand."

There was a long silence, almost an awkward one, then Seven broke it. "I do not believe in small talk, it is a waste of time and energy, so I'll come straight to the point. I have decided to stay on this planet. Icheb too."

The unexpected words hit Kathryn hard and it was a moment before she could speak. "I...I see."

"The Reylin are very medically advanced and, over time, will be able to remove all our Borg implants. We believe the full restoration of our natural physiologies is worth staying for. If we remain on Voyager, the likelihood is we will forever be part Borg. And as long as we are part Borg, we will never be free of the Queen. She will always seek to reclaim us."

Kathryn understood. How could she not? And it wasn't surprising that the Reylin could restore her human physiology. They were indeed very medically advanced, more so than any other species they had encountered. They had even cured Tuvok of his condition, not that she had known of his condition until he'd needed her consent to undergo the Reylin's treatment. They had also healed Crewman Daker of a rare immunodeficiency disease that was still incurable in the Federation. But as much as Kathryn understood Seven's decision, she didn't want to lose her. Icheb either. She had come to care deeply for them both.

"We will also have the opportunity on this settlement to truly rediscover ourselves," Seven went on. "It is a hard process on a ship that has so many rules and regulations."

Once, there had not enough rules and regulations for Seven. Not enough discipline. The fact that she now thought there were too many, showed just how much she had grown.

And she was right.

Voyager was not the best place for her to rediscover her humanity. The ship was run, at least most of the time, with military precision. She needed a more natural environment. Only then could she truly blossom.

"You're right," Kathryn said. "I don't want you to leave, for I will miss you terribly, but you're right that staying is in your best interest. Icheb's too."

"We will miss you too," Seven replied. "We will miss Voyager."

Tears stung Kathryn's eyes but somehow she held them back.

"But we will never forget you," Seven went on. "And we will always be grateful for everything you've done for us."

Kathryn found her voice, even though unshed tears closed her throat. "It has been a privilege. And a two way street. You've both contributed so much to our journey...especially you."

"I'm glad to have been a part of it."

For a moment, just a moment, tears filled the former drone's eyes. Then she steeled herself.

"Well, I...I had better go tell The Doctor. He will not...he will not be pleased."

"No," Kathryn said sadly. "He cares a lot for you."

"As I do him."

"If you like, I will tell him."

"No. He deserves to hear it from me. I owe him that."

Suddenly, the door chime played. Cursing the timing, Kathryn put her hand on Seven's shoulder. "We'll talk more tomorrow. In fact, as so many people are leaving, I think we should have a farewell party. It will make the parting easier."

"Good idea, Captain. I'll inform Neelix on my way to sickbay. He will take care of it."

Kathryn nodded, squeezed Seven's shoulder, and then reluctantly turned to the door. "Come in!"

The door slid open and then, as Seven left, Tom and B'Elanna came in.

"Captain," Tom said. "We're glad you're still here. We'd...we'd like to talk."

Their faces were even tenser than they had been on their last visit and Kathryn's stomach flipped. If they had changed their minds, then...

But she had to be strong.

Had to be the captain.

"Please," she said. "Take a seat."

"We're fine standing," B'Elanna declared.

Fine standing. Just like Seven. Another indication the news was bad.

"To cut a long story short," Tom declared, "we did what you advised. We looked at some schools and houses and...and we've changed our minds. We think it's best for us to stay after all."

Kathryn said nothing. She couldn't.

"It's not because we want to," B'Elanna went on, "at least, not really, but because we have to think of the baby. It would be selfish of us to put our needs first. We realized that when Naomi gave us a tour of her new house and the school she'll be going to. She was so excited, so happy to have all the things that regular children do. We knew then that we couldn't deprive our child of all those things. Not now there's a chance for us to provide them. It'll be a big adjustment...and we'll miss you all like crazy...but the people here are friendly and we believe we can fit in." Tears welled in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Captain. We're sorry."

Slowly, tearfully, Kathryn closed the gap between them. "Don't be sorry. I'll miss you too..profoundly...but you have to do what's best for you and your little one. She...or he...is your first priority."

"We see that now. Not that we weren't thinking of her before...because The Doctor says we're having a girl...but Naomi really brought it home to us."

Kathryn smiled. "A girl, eh? Better watch yourself, Tom. You'll be wrapped around her little finger in no time!"

"I can't wait," he smiled.

"But we need to know that Voyager will be ok too," B'Elanna said. "A lot of people are leaving and...and a Chief Pilot and Chief Engineer are a lot to lose in one go."

"Yes," Kathryn agreed. "And we'll feel your loss. Greatly. But nothing stays the same forever. If we were in the Alpha Quadrant, our crew complement would have changed several times by now. We'll adapt."

"And you'll have Seven," Tom said, "she's..."

"Staying too," Kathryn interrupted.

"Really?" B'Elanna exclaimed. "She's staying?"

Kathryn nodded. "The Reylin will, over time, be able to remove all her Borg implants. Icheb's too. They can't let that opportunity pass."

"Of course not...but still..." A tear ran down B'Elanna's cheek. "I'm sorry, Captain."

Kathryn put her hand on the half-Klingon's shoulder. "No more sorries, ok? Captain's orders."

B'Elanna nodded. And then, unexpectedly, pulled Kathryn close.

"You're the best and bravest person we've ever known, Captain. And we're so proud to have served with you. No one but you would have given us Maquis a chance and we'll forever be grateful. The last few years have been the best of our lives."

B'Elanna meant that, Kathryn could tell, and the words touched her.

Changed lives.

Their journey had changed lives.

Changed them for the better.

Her guilt and regret truly were unfounded.

But she would miss Tom and B'Elanna. God, she would miss them.

And, to stop herself from crying, for if she did she might never stop, she drew away.

"I'm proud to have served with you," she said. "You're exceptional officers and we'll never know the likes of you again. But we'll be ok. A little slower, maybe, and a little less extraordinary in a crisis, but we'll be ok. You just take care of your little one."

"We will," B'Elanna replied. "And we've decided to name her after you. You and our mothers. Kathryn Miral Lyn Paris."

Kathryn smiled, eyes moist. "I'm deeply honored. Honored and touched."

The doors suddenly opened and Neelix burst in.

"Captain," he said. "I've just seen Seven and..."

He stopped talking when he saw that his captain had company. And, when he saw the looks on all their faces, he groaned.

"Oh no," he cried. "Not you two as well!"

"I'm afraid so, Neelix," Tom replied.

"But you love it on Voyager! Why would you want to leave?"

"Because soon we'll be hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet."

"Tiny Feet?" Then the Talaxian understood. "You're having a baby? Oh, that's wonderful! Wonderful! But you don't have to leave. I'll help take care of it, just like I did Naomi, and we'll all have great times together!"

B'Elanna spoke. "We've made up our minds, Neelix. I'm sorry."

Kathryn reprimanded. "No more sorries, remember?"

"Sorry," B'Elanna replied. And then, realizing what she had said, laughed.

"But made up minds don't have to stay made up," Neelix argued. "Made up minds can change."

Kathryn wrapped her arm around the Talaxian's shoulder. "Part of being in a Starfleet crew, Neelix, is learning to say goodbye. It isn't easy, in times like this it can be very hard, but a Starfleet Officer will always rise to the challenge."

"That's right, Neelix," B'Elanna said. "And we're counting on it, because saying goodbye to you all will be the hardest thing we'll ever have to do."

"You can count on me," he replied, eyes heavy. "But I wish you weren't leaving. You both, Seven, Naomi, Samantha, Icheb, maybe Chakotay...Voyager will never be the same."

"There's no way Chakotay will leave," Tom declared. "Flying alien horses couldn't make him!"

"Flying alien horses maybe not," Neelix answered, "but I hear he's fallen in love with one of the settlers."

"That's rubbish," B'Elanna cried. "And if I knew who'd started the rumor, I'd ring their neck! He'd never abandon the Maquis or the Captain!"

Kathryn spoke. "It isn't abandonment, B'Elanna. He has as much right to stay as you and everyone else."

"But..."

"The Captain's right," Tom said. "And we'd be hypocrites to say otherwise."

At this B'Elanna relented, but was still visibly agitated. "I guess. I just...all senior officers can't leave. Where would that leave the Captain?"

"With a lot of promotions to make," Kathryn teased.

"Which will be good news for Harry," Tom joked.

"But it will be awful for you, Captain," B'Elanna went on, "if you lose everyone. Not that I'm saying I wouldn't want Chakotay around, I would, but you...you need him more."

The words hurt, for they were true, but again with great effort she numbed herself to the pain.

"I have Tuvok," she said. "If I need a First Officer, he'll make a fine one. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I have a dinner engagement to get back to. We can speak tomorrow."

Neelix spoke. "Oh, but I need to speak to you about the farewell party!"

"Farewell party?" Tom exclaimed. "What a great idea!"

"And I have great ideas for it," Neelix told him. "But I want to run them by you, Captain, and..."

"Run them by Tuvok," she replied. "I really must get back to my engagement."

Neelix sighed. "If I must, I must, but Commander Tuvok is such a party pooper!"

"Then how about we help you out?" Tom suggested. "We have the time."

"Oh, would you? Oh, thank you! Oh, Captain, may they?"

"Of course," Kathryn answered. "Now, if you'll excuse me..."

"Immediately," Neelix replied. "This instant."

Kathryn smiled, though her heart was heavy. "That's your cue to leave, Neelix."

"Leave? Oh, of course. Come on, party planners, we've got lots of work to do!"

The Talaxian left with Tom and B'Elanna, and Kathryn watched them go.

Watched them go with an aching heart.

A heart on the verge of breaking.

"At last," Emma said when Kathryn arrived back at her house. "Any longer and dessert would be breakfast!" But when Kathryn didn't laugh, and the Admiral saw how white her face was, her tone sobered. "But you look as pale as our moon. What's happened?"

"Nothing and everything," Kathryn replied. "Four more crewmembers are leaving and...and they're people I'm especially close to."

"I see." The kind woman put her hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "Is Chakotay amongst them?"

"No. But he's friends with them, especially with one, and her staying might persuade him to."

"But he hasn't said anything as yet?"

"No." Tears filled Kathryn's eyes and she turned to the balcony, gripping the rail and looking out at the lake. "I never thought this would happen. I never thought we'd find a colony of Starfleet crew. I should have thought of it, as lots of ships have been taken by The Caretaker, but the thought never crossed my mind. I thought most ships had been destroyed by the Kazon. And that's what arrogance does. My arrogance in thinking we were the only crew to get this far. But you got this far in only two years. It's taken us almost seven."

Emma stood beside her. "We might have got here in two years, but the wormhole almost destroyed our ship. That's one of the reasons we settled. It would have taken us months to get our ship flying again. The Reylin are very advanced, in many ways more so than us, but in space travel they're behind us. They wouldn't have been able to help much. They've only just developed warp technology. Your achievement is incredible, Kathryn. You've survived and your ship is no worse for wear. In fact, with all the improvements you've made, it's all the better. I meant what I said earlier. Be proud of yourself."

The words, intended to comfort, only succeeded in making Kathryn cry.

"I'm sorry," she said, wiping away her tears. "I just...All this is so hard. But I mustn't cry. If I do, I'll never stop."

"I understand. But it's ok to cry. We always stop eventually."

"But the Captain mustn't. I need her strength. To get through this, I need her."

"What you need, I think, is a hug."

"No," Kathryn argued. "I'm fine. I just...give me a minute, ok?"

Emma hesitated, but then nodded. "Ok. I'll go and replicate us coffees."

With that, the woman left, and in her absence Kathryn tried to pull herself together.

Forced herself to be the Captain.

"You know," Emma said, returning with the coffees, "there is a solution to your protocol problem."

Kathryn turned to her former colleague. "I don't want to talk about this anymore, Emma. I need to...to forget for a while."

"Just hear me out. You say you can't pursue a romantic relationship with Chakotay because he's under your command. Starfleet regulation forbids fraternization with a subordinate officer. Yes, Starfleet regulation does, but there's a loophole. The relationship is permitted if the couple are married."

Kathryn froze. She had never thought of that. Why hadn't she thought of that? Maybe because the idea was ludicrous. How could she and Chakotay marry when they'd never even dated?

"And I know what you're thinking," Emma said, "that to marry him you would first need to be in a relationship with him, and there's the rub. But it's only a rub if you make it so. Romantic and sexual practises differ from culture to culture. In yours, pre-marital intimacy is normal, in mine, it's unusual. We wait until we're married to consummate our love. And, for us, it works. Because what matters at the end of the day is how much you love each other and how committed you are. A captain can't officiate at his or her own wedding, that's true, but Captain Ellis and I are both authorized by Starfleet to perform ceremonies. Even though we are no longer active Starfleet officers, we are still Starfleet officers, and if one of us officiates at your wedding then your marriage is legally valid in Federation law."

"I...I don't know what to say," Kathryn said, thinking. "I'd be willing to make that leap of faith...as you say others do...but to ask Chakotay to make it? I couldn't. I couldn't tell him it's marriage or nothing. He'd think me crazy."

"If he loves you, he'll be willing to make that leap of faith too. My husband did. And no, he wasn't an Orthodox Jew. He wasn't even religious. But he respected my faith, honored my culture, and wanted to do right by both. Chakotay strikes me as a like minded man."

"He is. But even if...I don't think he loves me anymore. I don't know what he feels for me. It would be wrong to ask for his love now when he has a chance of happiness with someone else."

"If he loves Debi, and she him, I'd agree. But if he doesn't, if his decision to stay is based on other considerations, then I think it would be wrong for him to make a decision without possessing all the facts. Maybe he thinks you're the one who has stopped loving him. Maybe he thinks that by staying it would be easier for him...or for you both...to move on. But one thing is for certain. One day he will love someone else. One day he will be gone from your life. And what will you do then?"

END OF PART ONE