(For the challenge of Freakyanimegal456. Hope this makes you all crack up…'cause if it didn't, then I'm not doing my job correctly. XD)
You know Fred the Cricket, from freakyanimegal456's stories. He's the coolest cricket in the world. Nobody understands the mysterious wonder spirit unless they have a cricket dictionary. But upon receiving a whiff of curiousity, I have decided to make him central to this deranged and pathetic oneshot. What really goes on in Fred the Cricket's mind? We're about to find out… In diary format. Mwhahahaha!
I do not own ToS. I do not own Fred the Cricket. I do not own Dominos Pizza place. I do not own Dr. Pepper. Those credits go to Namco, Freakyanimegal456, the Domino guy, and whoever the hell owns Dr. Peppers. Got it? Good. I own what I write, but I do not own what I write about. So please, for the love of fanfiction, do not sue me. You'll get your asses kicked in a court case. (:
-MFJ
---Day 59, noon---
These imbeciles won't know what hit them! Mwhahaha! I have had my minions place mind control devices in their pathetic human brains so that I may control them from afar…they will do my bidding. And I shall use their power to rule the world one day! This is swear upon my good name as Fred the Wonder Cricket. This feeble cricket body and my act of random annoying pestering will not last long…I WILL RULE THE WORLD! But for now I must wait and bide my time…but soon everyone will know the name of Fred, the Wonder Cricket. And through my genius plans and higly superior brain I will make my plans and control this idiot humans from afar! My only hope and wish is that those being with the elven blood in them do not defy me again…that alone would prove my undoing. I must hide my tracks so that they do not suspect…nobody can suspect. Only you, diary, may know. Only you will I tell this secret information. And you must keep it well, diary, for if you do not keep this secret…I'll put you on the book-burning-mobile the next time it rounds the corner.
---Day 60, early morning---
Damn those infernal humans! They have ratted me out again! It appears as if they have discovered the mind control devices once again…but they could not find the source. I was successful in keeping my tracks clean…no one will ever suspect the innocent Fred, the Wonder Cricket. Oh no, they would sooner suspect that ridiculous Wonder Chef before me. My minions should know otherwise…speaking of them, I have given them new orders. For now, they are to act as my intelligence service. They will observe these peculiar beings from afar, execpt when it's Spontaneous Tuesday. Spontaneous Tuesdays are special. On Spontaneous Tuesdays, they will reveal themselves and act as centres of annoyance and pester the infernal beings. Thus will they never suspect the true nature of my intelligence minions…and I shall be able to know what they do in every hour of the day. I will find their schedules and observe their actions, taking notes. Then will I, through a series of staged events and stunts that no sane cricket would ever dare to accomplish with the hope of remaining unsquished, place one of my genius mind control devices in their brain. I will control them, oh yes. I shall force them to do my bidding, and nobody will ever know it was me. Yes, it was me all along! Mwhahahaha!
Dearest diary, once again, I must force upon you the most important task of keeping this secret. If I were ratted out, you will be the one to pay, not I, for you are my personal scapegoat. I have made emergency plans and already created an escape route not unlike the Paris underground sewer system. It even involves a rocket chair, a magic eight ball, and a ball of rubber bands. Should you indeed be the one to reveal this conspiracy of conspiracies, I will not take you with me. And I will eat doughnuts and laugh while you are forced to watch as I enjoy myself without you! Hahahahaha! I hope that that, diary, is enough incentive for you to remain silent. May the Spirits have mercy on your white-paged and leather-bound soul if you do not appease me…
---Day 70---
I have not had time to write for a very long time. At least a very long time in Cricket-Time. This cricket body ages faster than I have suspected…I must seek a new body as soon as possible. Preferably another cricket, though. Crickets are nice and easy to maintain…But that is beside the point. I have not written for mainly one of two reasons. One, I was lazy and didn't feel like writing. Besides, it takes a very long time for me to write with my weak cricket-like fingers. Two (the more important reason)…THEY HAVE RATTED ME OUT AGAIN! Damn them, those infernal intelligent beings! They are smarter than I expected…I have underestimated their brain capacity. Especially that female with the blue hair. She seems to hold a grudge against me…she may find me out. I am afraid, diary, though I will not admit such weakness aloud. Though my brains may be highly superior to their own, theirs are larger than mine and thus have more capacity for thought…perhaps I should seek another body. One that is not a cricket. But that would be terribly inconvenient…
I hope it was not you, diary. If you were the one who revealed my secret, so help me Gods I will burn you alive. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?! I will have my minons take you while you sleep behind the shed and shoot you. Is that understood, diary? If you reveal me, and if I find out you are the one who is behind the foiling of all my most recent plans…you will not ever see the daylight again. Ever. Ever. Ever. Again. Got it? Good.
On a lighter note, we are ordering pizza tonight. I'm in favor of pepperoni myself, but my fellows seem to like canadian bacon and sausage. Since we could not agree, I told the pizza men just to give us cheese pizza. And Dr. Pepper. We need Dr. Pepper. It is our life blood. And if they do not deliver us our cheese pizza and Dr. Pepper soon…I shall chase them down the street with a rusty machete.
---Day 77---
Oh, dear, wonderful diary, I have had quite a marvelous week. I have never felt better in my life! In fact, I feel kind of dizzy. But it's a good feeling! You see, a few days ago, we ran short on our food supply…the pizza guy never came and we got pretty pissed about that, so I ordered my minions to burn down the pizza place…we were forced to run away from the community for awhile. Anyway, we were short on food, but my buddy George here found some mushrooms that tasted pretty good. And they make you feel good as well!
You know, these mushrooms got me thinking…I read you, diary, and all of my previous entries. Why can't we just have world peace? No need to take over the world or have mind-control devices…and those humans are pretty nice when they don't decide to squish you. Take a look at my minions. They worship my cricket-y legs. See? They're not so bad. World peace sounds kind of nice right about now…yeah! Everyone could have love and peace and happiness and we could have everyone eat these mushrooms and be feeling good all the time…
---Day 93---
…As far as you and I are concerned, diary, that last entry does not exist. And I was not under the influence of pyshotic mushrooms, nor did they make me feel happy and any way whatsoever. I will not even admit that I touched the infernal things, and I have had them burned on the stake. Those mushrooms will pay… Are we clear? Good.
I have decided to have George the Cricket publicly mocked and forced to eat mushrooms by the handful (and not of the happy kind). I do not think he will ever be the same again. Public execution seemed a bit extreme, so I will instead place any and all faults on him and he shall serve as my personal scapegoat. So, instead of you being punished for reavealing my secrets, diary, I will blame him. Everything is George's fault now.
On a lighter note, I have returned to my previous activites and ordered my intelligence agents to once more observe the those half-elves and humans on the surface. Yes, my base is underground…I was forced to move it down here. The smell of the mushrooms wafted up to the surface of the bakery we used to hide under, so the baker threatened us with pesticide. Damn it all, there I go mentioning those mushrooms again. They do not exist as far as you, I, and anyone else is concerned. Comprende? Good. Well, that's one more person on the "mind-control" list. That fat baker shall bow to me soon enough…oh yes! All will bow! Mwhahaha!
---Day 112---
Things have been busy, diary. My plans are soon to be enacted… I will rule the world soon, diary, and you shall be at my side! Mwhahahaha! You are the only one who I will confide my secrets to. And fear not, for now I have George the Cricket as a scapegoat. Everything is his fault. And if you reveal any conspiracies on my part, it shall be George's fault. I don't know how or why, but everything now is his fault. My minions have agreed that any thing that goes wrong is George's fault as well. They do not question me for fear of my chasing them down the street in a manner not unlike I vowed to chase the pizza man. How dare they not deliver my pizza and my Dr. Pepper…
On a lighter note, I got a new chair. It's a spinney one. It's very comfortable but it makes me dizzy. It shall be known as the Throne of Spinney Power! And any who oppose this name or think it is lame shall be spun in it until they puke! Mwhahahaha! Soooo eviilll…
---Unknown Date---
BLAST! I am found out! My plans are foiled! I would blame you, diary, for I know that you were the one who revealed my secrets…it can only be you! Oh yes, I would blame you if George the Cricket were not my personal scapegoat. Therefore, everything is George's fault. EVERYTHING! My mind control devices failed and my batteries ran out…damn those large-brained primates for foiling me once again! But I must remain calm and once again return to plotting…my day will come, diary. It will come. And on that day, any who cross me shall perish! Mwhahahaha! I will rule the world! Muhahaha…they thought that the girlish Fagdrasill Mithos was bad…you just wait and see…Alas, that time is not near. I will consult my magic eight ball to determine my next course of action. It always has good advice. And then… I WILL RULE THEM ALL! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
…On a sadder note, I have a cough today, so I must write out all of my evil laughter. It makes me sad, and my ligaments hurt from the effort of holding a pencil. I blame George. I don't know how or why it's his fault…but it is.
Me: Well…that was…enlightening, to say in the least. Now we know what really goes on in Fred the Cricket's mind…erm…maybe I should return his diary, huh?
Fred: CRICKET!
Me: (pulls out Cricket dictionary) I'm sorry, what was that?
Fred: CRRR-ICKET!!!!!
Me: Come again?
Fred: C. R. I. C. K. E. T!!!!!!
Me: I didn't quite catch that.
Fred: (resigned sigh) Crickee…
Me: "Nevermind?" Oh, well, I never do. Anyway, once again, all credit for Fred the Cricket goes to Freakyanimegal456. And if I say so myself, Fred is freaking awesome (hahaha! I made a pun! XD).
(-MFJ has left the building…)