A/N: My first M7 story to take place in the canon universe rather than the ATF A/U. Written sometime between March 2000 and June 2004 but probably before the Car Accident (otherwise known as the Life Changing Event) that occurred July 14, 2002. Beta'd by Wendy. It is archived at Blackraptor, but this is a slightly different version with some changes I've wanted to make.

Still

by Sue Kelley

They call me The Kid. Worse, they think of me as The Kid. Nobody seems to remember I'm only a couple of years younger than Vin. Hell, I'm not that much younger than Ezra. At least Vin and Ezra don't call me "Son". It would sound pretty stupid comin' from them-like they were out begetting (Josiah uses that word sometimes) children before they were even in long pants themselves. Vin does call me "Kid" though. Not too often, but sometimes. Ezra don't ever call me that but I bet he thinks it. He does call me "Young Man" in that same tone of voice old Mrs. Kent used when she didn't like the way I groomed her carriage horses.
As for the others...well, Josiah calls everyone "Son". Okay, not Chris. Chris'd probably just shoot him or something if he called him "Son" .

Nathan and Chris? I'm not sure either of them knows my name. Maybe they think my name is The Kid, like in that dime novel about that Pony Express rider. Maybe I should "accidentally" leave Ma's old Bible out so they can see where she entered my name the day I was born... no, that wouldn't be a good idea. Them thinking my name is The Kid Dunne is better than them knowin' what the "D" in "JD" stands for.

I think.

Then there's Buck.

Now, Buck does know my name. But it don't make any difference. No matter what he calls me-JD, Kid, Son-he thinks of me as a kid. A greenhorn. Someone who has to be led by the hand...and taken care of.

Okay, maybe...just maybe that was true when we first met. After my mother died I just had one idea in my head-GO WEST YOUNG MAN. Ma'd saved some money-it was always her dream that I'd go to college. There wasn't anything near enough for that but there was enough to get me west. With my saddle and one change of clothes, the Bible and her old locket. That stage got here to town just as all heck-hell was breaking loose with those cattle hands just bound and determined they were goin' to hang Nathan, and Chris and Vin just as determined they weren't goin' to.

Guess they had every right to laugh when I showed up and invited myself along to the Seminole village. Especially since Chris had called me on drawin' on a man's back the day before. I don't know why I done that, I wasn't goin' to shoot him. Guess I was just trying to show off in front of the great Chris Larabee.

But heck-hell, that was a long time ago. Over a year back. Maybe I was a kid then. But I'm a man now. In any way that means anything. Well, maybe not every way...although I bet Buck is the only person who thinks...well, you know, that, makes a man a man.

But I've shot people (not in the back). I cuss and gamble and even drink whiskey-well, okay, I drink beer. Sometimes. Can't see how the guys toss back that rotgut-it tastes like horse liniment smells. I even wear a tin star (not sure why Chris won't wear it, but I'm the sheriff of this town.) And I'm one of The Seven

Josiah just wandered past and stopped to talk about coyotes and wolves. It didn't make much sense but I know what he's sayin'. He thinks I was wrong for yellin' at Buck in front of everybody last night. Heck-Hell, everybody wants to tell me I was wrong. Chris lit into me before the saloon doors stopped swingin' behind Buck's back. Like he's got so much room to talk. He gets mad at Buck all the time. I didn't say that to him, though...I don't have a death wish in spite of what Buck says.

Okay, so maybe I was spoilin' for a fight. Heck-Hell, I don't even remember what he said to piss me off. I snapped back and he laughed. He laughed! Like nothing I said should be took serious. I started stammerin' I was so mad. Then he said it, somethin' about me maybe havin' had too much beer. I yelled, "Just shut up, Buck Wilmington! I don't need you tellin' me what to do. You ain't my big brother! Just get out a' my life!"

You know how a room just goes so deathly quiet so it sounds like you're yellin' at the top of your lungs? Well, that's the way the saloon was. Everybody was starin'. First at me then at Buck.

Buck just looked...funny. His face...just shut down. Not like Ezra's poker face, Buck's face just went...still. All of a sudden I thought of Johnny, this kid that worked in the stable with me. He fell out of the hayloft. Broke his foot but he didn't know it at first. He jumped up real fast. He touched his foot down on the ground and-just for a second-his face went just still and dead. Then of course he realized he was hurtin' like blazes and he started yellin' his head off.

Buck didn't yell at me, or anyone else. He didn't say anything. His eyes went really dark, almost black. Then he looked over at Chris, and back at me. He still didn't say anything. He just put down his beer mug and got up and left the saloon.

For what seemed like forever it was really quiet, nobody lookin' at anybody else. Then all of a sudden people started talking and laughing and tryin' to pretend nothing happened.

Not the guys though. Vin just looked at me and shook his head. Ezra put down his cards and muttered something that translated to "Going to get a breath of fresh air," and walked out behind Buck. Nathan and Josiah just looked-I don't know-sad. And Chris stared at me. Not his real deadly glare-the one he gives bad guys when they're trying to rob the bank, or Ezra when he's slept in and missed his patrol, or even Buck when he's just being...Buck. No he just stared at me like he'd never seen me before. Or maybe he had seen me but had never recognized me.

I got up to go get another beer and while I was standing at the bar Chris appeared next to me and said "It ain't right to fault a man for bein' what he is, Kid. Buck's Buck."

Okay, so what was that supposed to mean? I just stared at him. He wasn't lookin' at me, he was lookin' into space, and he nodded real slow and said, "Shouldn't wish somethin' precious away, cause one day you might just wake up and find it's gone."

He must be taking lessons from Josiah. Funny thing, I wasn't sure he was even talkin' to me. I mean, at the time I thought he was, but lookin' back on it now, maybe he was talkin' to himself.

Not that either one of us is ever gonna get rid of Buck, though. Heck, when I'm trippin' over my long white beard and my grandkids, Buck'll still be around. Probably still callin' me Kid and braggin' about his animal maggotism.

I went back to the table. Vin had gone-it was his turn on midnight patrol. Chris followed me back but he didn't say anything more. After a little while though I got tired of the silence and I went over to my room.

I tapped on Buck's door as I passed it. No, I wasn't goin' to apologize to him but...I just wanted...heck-hell, I don't know what I wanted to do. Make sure he was there I guess. Make sure that I had imagined that look in his eyes. Like I'd cut him to the heart or something.

But he wasn't there. Course he wasn't. Buck don't spend very many nights in his own room. Heck I don't know why he don't just let it go and save the judge the money. Guess he needs a place to keep his extra shirts.

So I went to bed. Couldn't sleep though. I kind of tossed and turned. Kept seeing that look on Buck's face, and then hearing what Chris had said, and tryin' to figure it out. I was still mad at Buck but by mornin' I was kinda mad at myself too. I mean, I didn't mean for the whole town to hear what I said. I know that embarrassed Buck. Funny thing, you wouldn't think someone who's first exposure to the town was when he fell out of some lady's room wearin' nothin' but his long-johns could get embarrassed.

I kept waitin' for Buck to come home. His room is next to mine and he usually comes in at some point. I never heard him though. He had the dawn patrol so I figured he probably just went straight from his lady friend to relieve Vin. Or maybe he slipped in quiet. I did sleep some so he could have done that.

I didn't feel so good when I got up. Not sick, but just wrong somehow. And I had a headache like nobody's business.

Okay, maybe Buck was right and I did drink too much beer.

I headed over to the hotel for breakfast. Walked in and the first person I saw was Vin. Which wasn't so strange cause he usually eats breakfast after he comes in from patrol before he disappears somewhere to sleep.

But Vin wasn't eatin'. He wasn't even sitting down at the table. He was standing next to Chris and both of them looked kind of worried. Chris saw me and motioned for me to come over. "JD. You seen Buck?"

"No." I reached for the pot of coffee...and then caught the funny looks Vin and Chris were giving me. "Why? He okay?" I got a little worried. I said to Vin, "He relieved you this mornin'."

Vin looked at Chris and then shook his head. "He never showed up."

I felt real cold suddenly. I looked over at the clock. It was after seven. Over an hour since Buck should have relieved Vin. Wasn't like him to be that late. Hell, it wasn't like him to be late at all. That's Ezra's trick. But I said anyway, "He probably just got...sidetracked (hell I can't even think about it without blushing!) And forgot the time."

"Yeah." Chris didn't look convinced. "Probably so."

Vin shook his head. "I looked. His horse ain't in the stable."

The cold spread deep in my gut through my whole body. I quickly looked at Chris, more for reassurance than anything else. I figured-I was hopin'-he'd make his usual "Buck can take care of himself" kind of comment.

But Chris didn't say anything. He just pushed himself out of his chair and strode toward the door. Vin fell into step with him and I scrambled behind them.

Chris led us straight to Buck's room at the rooming house. He didn't knock, just tried the door. It was locked and he looked at me. "You got a key?"

I shook my head. Chris turned on his heel and went down the hall to his own room. Vin stayed put at Buck's door but for some reason I followed Chris. I was right there when he unlocked his door and I started to step in but he blocked me with his arm. He stepped in himself, moving delicately, almost on his tiptoes, looking at the floor and behind the door. "No note," he said harshly, seeing me watching him. Walking across the room he yanked open the top drawer of the dresser and pulled out a delicate gold-and-ivory china box. I felt my eyes widen. It sure didn't look like somethin' Chris Larabee should have. When he opened it a tinkling tune filled the room. I figured it must have been his wife's music box although I kind of remembered Buck telling me the house and everything in it was destroyed in the fire that killed Sarah and Adam. The box looked so tiny and fragile in Chris' big hand. He reached in and pulled out a key with two fingers. Then he was closing the box and putting it back in the drawer, and pushing past me without a word.

Buck's room, when Chris opened the door, looked like it always does. Well, maybe a little neater. The bed was made. One more reason to believe Buck had never made it home last night. Yesterday was Monday. The owner of the boarding house does laundry on Mondays. Every bed is treated to clean sheets.

Vin and I just stood in the door and watched Chris. If he was lookin' for anything specific, I couldn't tell. He opened the drawers-the first two had some clothes in them and the bottom drawer was empty. But then it always was. Chris' face seemed to relax some when he opened up the small drawer on top of the dresser. His body blocked me so I couldn't see what was in it, but he closed the drawer gently and turned to face Vin and me. "Well, wherever he is, he meant to come back." His voice sounded relieved.

"You sure about that, Cowboy?" Vin asked. Chris nodded, once, firmly.

I had a sick feeling in my stomach. Chris had been worried that Buck wouldn't come back? Why? Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Buck wouldn't leave. Not just cause of what I-" I stumbled to a stop when Chris just looked at me. The look in his eyes made me so mad I just said the first thing I thought. "Hell, Chris, I know you've said worse to him than I did, and he never left you!"

Vin grabbed my arm but it was too late, I'd already said it. For a minute I thought Chris might draw down on me and I was angry and stupid enough to almost hope he did.

Almost.

Chris just shook his head. He looked older, suddenly, and tired. Then his body stiffened with tension. "Ezra," he muttered.

I glanced over my shoulder, half expecting Ezra to be there, but he wasn't. Of course, he wasn't. Ezra didn't ever get up before ten unless someone makes him.

Chris swung around to look at Vin. "Ezra followed Buck out of the saloon last night. Was Chaucer in his stall?"

Vin looked surprised, then thoughtful, then he shook his head in disgust. "Nope. He wasn't. Damn. I didn't even notice."

Chris elbowed past us into the hall, Vin right on his heels. I followed, trying to tell myself not to worry. It was okay. Buck was okay. He was just...somewhere else. Eagle Bend maybe, or maybe he'd gone over to Bitter Creek or down to Purgatorio. Well, no, not Purgatorio. But somewhere. Somewhere there was whiskey and a willing lady.

And Buck could always find a willing lady.

But my stomach was churnin' like I'd drunk bad milk or something. I kept hearin' my own voice last night, tellin' my best friend-no, more than friend-my brother in all but blood-to get out of my life. Kept seein' the look on his face just before he turned and walked out.

We all burst out of the boarding house into the bright morning sunshine. Vin was in the lead now, headin' toward the stables...then he stopped so fast Chris almost ran him down.

Two horses were plodding wearily into town, both so covered in brownish-gray dust I couldn't even tell what color they were. Except I knew. Knew even before I saw Ezra on the back of the lead horse, covered head to toe in the same choking dust.

Ezra was dallying the other horse behind him, holding onto the reins. A big horse. Lighter color than Chaucer, even under all that dust.

Paladin.

Buck's horse. Pal, he calls her.

I was running before I even consciously recognized the figure on Pal's back. A tall man, I could see that, even though he was slumped in the saddle like-

No.

God, no!

Buck!

To be continued