Sooo. My first english OneShot. I've written a lot in german and now I am changing the fandom and the language. So… I hope you enjoy it and if you have any handy tips for me or something else or you want to look over my stuff just tell me. I'd be glad.
I hope there are not too many mistakes in there and you enjoy it.
To your grave, I spoke
Holding a red, red rose
Gusts of freezing cold air
Whispers to me, that you are gone
I sat down next to the grave, wiping my tears away. Just like he would have done this. Would have. In the past. Weeks ago. It happened too fast. Too unexpected. For both of us. But I should have known. Happiness is nothing which lasts long.
"Hey. It's me again. I was… just thinking about you. Like I do every day. And every night. And… well… all the time" I laughed sad, insecure, then continued, "it feels cold and lonely without you. You know. Our home felt more… like a home, before you were gone. I know… I know… I say it all the time- just like every day- but it's just like that. I miss you. I really do. I… brought you another rose, Dirk. I hope… you like it. You always did."
I looked at the ground, trying to hold back the tears in my eyes, successfully. I never liked crying, especially not when Dirk was around. He never cried. But I did. Not very often, but I did. And he always wrapped his arms around me. And it solaced me. Sometimes, in the time before we dated, we were friends, close friends. After I felt in love with him and noticed the attention he gave me, trying to comfort me, I cried more than usual. Or… I pretended to cry. I got his attention. He never asked me, why I was crying. After thinking this through, he probably enjoyed comforting me so much, he never wanted to change it up. I never asked him. I never thought about it until now either.
"C'mon. Don't be sad. It's not that we'll never meet each other again" his voice came into my mind, his last words before I heard the loud beep of the heart monitor at the hospital. His eyes stared at me with this sad smile he had, before he passed away slowly. He always had a good poker face. Even in these last minutes, before he died. Before he left me alone in this cold and lonely world.
The cold and frosty air of December wafted through my hair. It felt like the naked branches of the trees around me whispered his name when the wind blew through. In between I thought hearing his voice, whispering my name, trying to comfort me again, wiping away the tears I shad without even noticing them. I laid the rose down, next to the other flowers left by our friends and by his brother. It was his birthday though. 3rd of December. And our third anniversary.
I left the graveyard, hiding my eyes behind his shades and my red cheeks in my scarf. I left the tears where they belonged. Inside of me, till I was back at his grave to talk to him tomorrow.
Always, always asking questions
My life is overrated but I
Never, never expected that I'd
Underestimated my love for you
I entered the apartment and threw the scarf away, somewhere, where it couldn't bother me anymore. I threw myself on the couch, hiding my face in the pillows on it as my phone rung.
"Jake English", I replied the call and I heard a quiet, male voice trough the speaker saying Hello.
"Yeah. What… what do you want Dave? Are you okay?"
"I am fine. I just… thought about you, sitting there all alone in your apartment and just doing… I don't know what you are doing. But I felt like I had to call you. You are family after all, even though bro is dead. Wanna come over? Having dinner or something like that. You shouldn't stay all alone at your place on your third anniversary."
I just stared at the floor for a short while, hearing Dave's breath trough the speakers. I knew he was expecting an answer.
"I'll come. I'll be there around six, if that's fine with you. Should I bring something?"
"It's perfect. And you don't have to bring anything… except", he got quiet for a few seconds, "bring some stories. Memories of the both of you. The other's will come too, celebrate his birthday, so… let us all tell stories about happy moments we had with Dirk."
I nodded and smiled. That was a great Idea. Brining old memories back to life.
I sat up and looked at the clock above the TV on the opposite site of the room. Two hours to go till I have to show up at Dave's place. Enough time to take a shower.
We sat at the table, covered in silence. Some of us were looking at each other, others had closed their eyes. Dave was looking at the clock.
"Time's over. Again thanks for coming. And thanks for the moment of silence", he whispered and those, who had their eyes closed, opened them, blinking. It wasn't as awkward as I expected it to be. All of my friends hugged me, smiled at me, like nothing ever happened. No one told me, that they were sorry, but I knew they were. They just didn't want to bring it up. And I was thankful they didn't. We sat there, covered in silence again, when Roxy raised her voice. She wasn't drunk, probably the first day I've seen her not drinking anything.
"Do you remember his birthday, three years ago?" Everyone, including me, nodded and I smiled, thinking back. We sat here in this room, in this house, talking about what was new in our lives, when Jane asked, if one of us had a crush or something like that.
Dave started talking about it as the pictures in my head came up and showed me everything, during I listened to his voice, telling the whole story, even though everyone remembered it.
After this question, Dirks face had blushed and Roxy, already a bit drunk, shouted "He's in love with Jakeyboy. Haven't you noticed yet?"
She had let out this drunk giggle and Dirk had blushed even more.
"Really?" Dave had looked strange at his brother and John was smiling, sitting next to his boyfriend.
"I think it's pretty clear. I already noticed it weeks ago. Haven't you?" the blue eyed boy had asked and everyone except Roxy had waged their heads. Dirk had hid his face and I just sat on the table, looking at Dirk in curiosity.
"Dirk. Is… is that true?"
"Don't ask, just kiss him already", drunk Roxy had yelled all of a sudden and her sister and paradox mother/daughter Rose next to her had shook her head in disbelief. I was looking at her with wide eyes.
"C'mon Jakey. You feel the same waaaay", she had sung a bit and Dirk had looked at me fast and the look on his face had showed his curiosity behind her claim. I had bitten my lips and nodded lightly and had closed my eyes, as I had felt his warm lips on mine.
"And then he had pulled back", Jade giggled and I smiled.
"Yeah. I couldn't believe it. You remember this look on his face, when I did?"
"Yessssss. And how happy he was, when you had whispered that you love him… I don't even want to use 'loved' when I am talking about the two of you."
"You don't have to. I still love him, even though he's dead", I replied and Jane nodded, "I will always love him. He made me feel special. He made me feel important."
"But you are important", my cousin Jade replied fast.
"And you know that", Dave answered and I smiled at them both thankfully, "and you know that his death is NOT your fault."
"I am aware of that… I think", I lowered my head. Everyone was looking at me in silence, "Do you remember our first Christmas? The Christmas three years ago?"
"You mean the Christmas, when Roxy was so drunk that she started making out with Dirk?"
"Or… tried to", John corrected Jade, who nodded approvingly.
"I remember. I was pretty mad at him and Roxy at the same time. It took him long enough to make me believe, that I am enough. I started questioning myself. I was pretty done until he showed me how precious I am to him."
"Why did you think so? Aren't you aware of how important you are?" Rose looked at me sadly and I tilted my head.
"Now I do. Especially after the accident three weeks ago. But… I felt too insecure in the past. All of you go along so well and I was just… I don't know. I felt so different. I was so different."
"But still. That was what made and what still makes you special. You are perfect, the way you are. And you are precious to all of us."
"Dirk told me about it" Jane mumbled and looked at me with sad eyes, "you thought your life is overrated especially he overrates it. But I can tell, it's not. Jake. You know I loved you. And I did for a reason. And the reason is, you are perfect and you are special. You are a great friend and I bet a beautiful lover. But that's not the point. You are our friend out of a reason and not just because you just were there. You were special enough for us to want to be friends with you."
I smiled and nodded. My friends looked at me till Jade stood up and walked around the table, hugging me tightly. All of the others left their seats behind, looking at us and walked up to us and we ended up in a big group hug. I smiled lightly. I loved them. I loved all of them so much.
A bit later, about 30 minutes or so, we sat in Dave and John's living room and talked about so many things we experienced with Dirk over all of these years. Dave talked a lot about their childhood. When Dave got his first glasses, which looked like Dirk's. Pointy Anime-Shades. How he cared about his little brother and how he took care of him. And a few hours later, stories later, after recapitulating his whole life, I sat in Jade's Arms, too tired to move, too confused.
I never thought it was possible to love him more, than I already did. But it seems like I did. All these memories, positive and negative ones, made him more alive. I saw him clearer. I thought it was impossible, but it seemed like I just knew all of his character traits. Everything you can know about him. We all shared so many memories with my lover and it just didn't seem real, that he was dead. It seemed impossible. He seemed immortal to me. But a few seconds later I realized: He wasn't. Neither immortal nor still alive.
To your grave, I spoke
Holding a red, red rose
Gusts of freezing cold air
Whispers to me, you are gone
"Jake. Wait", Dave grabbed his jacket after I said goodbye to leave. It was late, the next day already and I decided to go. I said I would go home, but after all these stories I needed to see him. Needed to see his grave. Dave ran after me and grabbed my wrist.
"Hey, Jake. Are you allright? It felt like you left in a hurry."
"Hey. Yeah. I am fine, chum. I just need to go. It still hurts so much."
He nodded.
"I feel ya, bro. Wanna talk? Where are you going?"
"The graveyard. Wanna join me?"
He nodded again and walked next to me. We both didn't say a thing. We were both deep in our thoughts. I knew this path by heart. My heart memorized it, even though it was sad. And sounded depressing. But my heart wanted to know this path. I walked it for three weeks by now, daily, on some days more than just there and back home. Sometimes I visited in the morning and the evening.
"You know we are all worried, don't you?" Dave whispered and I nodded.
"I know."
"And you know we are all always here if you need us, right?"
"I do, buddy", I smiled. He smiled back at me lightly.
"Then everything is alright."
We arrived at the dark and silent graveyard. Midnight was already over, it was almost three o'clock in the morning and we walked the lonely paths between all the graves. Dirks was a bit isolated, just like we all wanted. We all wanted a place on this graveyard, where we all are buried together, next to each other, as close to each other as we are now finally after all these years separated in different parts of the US and the UK. I knelt down next to the grave and my hand laid down on the cold stone, my fingers followed the inscribed Letters of his name. A tear rolled down my cheek and I felt Dave's hand on my shoulder. I grabbed the rose, I left here for his birthday.
"I brought this yesterday. Sat here for a time which felt like hours to me. It was about one or two."
"I brought one too. I laid it down, while talking to you on the phone. I saw you leaving with tears in your eyes even though I didn't see them because of the shades and I thought you'd be glad about some distraction."
I smiled a bit while looking at the rose in my hands. Dave took the shades from his eyes and I saw them. Not for the first time in my life, but it was rare for Dave to take his shades off. Dave and Dirk were special. Both of them had a special eye-colour and were called freaks in their youth. Dirk more than his brother, mostly because Dirk always made sure, Dave were safe and they were respectful towards his brother. And Dave never gave up, wearing his shades. He liked them. And they suited him well.
"I really miss him, Dave. Sometimes, when I am here, it feels like he is sitting right next to me and the wind always reminds me that he isn't. I want him back. It's frustrating that all of our dream-selves are dead. I could have brought him back… I had kissed him more than usual. But… it didn't work. I just want to do something. It's all my…"
"Shut up," Dave yelled and glared at me "Just. Shut up. Don't say that. He died because he saved you. He decided to die. And I am sure he is happy that you are still alive. He wants you to be happy and to be alive. I know that."
I nodded. He was right. Even though Dirk was dead. He did it for me. Just like everything in the past three years.
Always, always just out of reach from my
Over-frustrated, shameful hands
And I never, never expected that I
Would ever, no never, take for granted our precious time
We sat at his grave for hours. We looked at the Sunrise in the morning, seeing the sun appearing behind the trees, talking about the past. Dave told me much about their parents, told me, how Dirk was the one who took care of Dave. Dirk raised his little brother mostly on his own. I laid my hand on the ground, on the grave compost. For a little moment, like a blink of an eye, it felt like his hand stroke mine. A tear rolled down my cheeks, as I tried to hold onto this feeling, but it was impossible. Dave looked at my hand and smiled sadly.
"You feel it as well, don't you? His presence. You feel he's there but you think that this is impossible because he's dead."
I nodded and he smiled lightly. It felt so right sitting here with Dave. He told me things about Dirk I never expected. He was his little brother and probably the only one who really understood how I felt deep inside. All this pain, Dirk's death caused. All of this emptiness. Sure our friends would feel this too but Dirk did more to me than just love me. He showed me how it is to feel alive. How it is to be human. All my life I was treated differently because I was. But I never wanted to. I wanted to be like everyone else. And that was what Dirk did. He didn't show any mercy. He made me fight even if I was close to becoming unconscious. He taught me how to act in public, how to be a part of society and still being me. He treated me the same way he raised his brother. He raised me. And I just realized, that that was what made him so special to me. What made me fall in love with him. He cared about me and did everything he could to not let me fall. Ever. I never knew why he threatened me the way he did. But after talking, before the silence took over Dave and me, when he told me how he was raised by his brother, I realised that he threatened me the way he treats the ones he cares about the most and those he really and truly loves.
I looked at my hands and started telling Dave everything I just realised. I thought he just acted like he did around me because he loved teasing me. Or because he behaved like this in front of everyone else. But he never did. He was different for me because I was different for him. In a good way. He prepared me to be alone. That's why he always left me alone or why he never joined me, when I left. He knew something would happen one day. He always knew when something was gonna happen. It was like one of his extraordinary abilities. When we laid in our bed at night, cuddling, sleeping or just enjoying being together, it felt like it was something special. I never thought I would think about it the way I do by now. But now it seemed… self-evident. We had the same procedure. Always. And I was happy the way it was. I really was. I wrapped my arms around Dave's neck and placed a little kiss on his cheek, smiling.
"Hey, bro. What's up?"
"I just… thank you." I smiled, he looked at me confused.
"I haven't done anything. Just… talking. But if that was what helped you, then I am glad."
"It was. Thank you very much."
"You're welcome, bro."
"Are you cold?"
"Not really. It's still warm. I can't believe it's already December."
"Me neither. But it is. Dirks Birthday had just passed by. And Christmas is coming up."
"Yeah. I know. And that's why it's so sad. I hoped for a white Christmas this year again", Dave sighed and I started laughing.
"Don't worry lil bro. It is still uncertain."
Dave punched my shoulder.
"Don't try to imitate Dirk. Doesn't suit you." He laughed at me, then stood up and offered me his hand.
"C'mon. Let's get some breakfast. I'll pay. And then we'll go back home. I bet John and the others are already worried. We both forgot our phones at my home, remember?"
"Oh right", I blushed a bit and stood up, taking Dave's hand. Then we started walking back the paths to the next Coffee-Shop.
"Well. Seems like they are less worried. They are just sitting there, having breakfast", I mentioned, looking inside through the glass and Dave snorted.
"Well then. Let's join them. But… don't tell them anything I told you about my brother. It would make him look…"
"Less cool? I never would but I promise not to tell anyone." I smiled and he nodded. Then we entered the shop.
To your grave, I spoke
Holding a red, red rose
Gusts of freezing cold air
Whispers to me you're gone
Ten years had passed, since my boyfriend died. Just two days to go and we would have our 13th anniversary. If he would be still alive. The first years I visited him every day. For three years I just go to see him about every two or three days. I knew he would understand. I found a new job and I invested very much time, because it was fun and I liked it. One day each month, we all met at Dave's and John's home, just spending time with each other. Dirk's death showed us how important life is and how short it can be.
I stood in front of Dirk's grave and a little tear rolled down my face.
"My tenth birthday without you. I moved on, as you wanted me to. But I never found someone I needed or I wanted. I think I will never find someone else. I am sorry for not being here the last two weeks. Your brother invited me for a little journey, back to my and Jade's old island. I couldn't resist. I know you understand. And I know you know that today's my birthday. But... I brought you a rose. A red one again. I thought you could need some variety. I always brought you orange because they reminded me of your eyes. But… you know… red roses… love… all this stuff. Just… well… nothing. Forget it."
"No go on" I heard his voice in my ears. I stood up in a hurry.
"Dirk?" I whispered and looked around. But I was the only one around and again everything was silent. "Well… you know… I just brought it as a symbol again. I brought you red ones on your birthday, my birthday, Valentine's Day and Christmas. And sometimes when I felt like it. But… I didn't the past few years. I am sorry for that."
DIRK'S POV
"It's fine. I am glad you are still coming to see me."
He looked around again. I missed hearing his voice. For ten years I am here at this graveyard, listening to him whenever he payed a visit. I listened to all of them. Roxy always told me, how much she loved Jane and she was sad, Jane would never feel the same way. Jane always told me, how hard it really was for Jake and how hard it was for her. Even though she didn't love him anymore it was still a thing in their past and she still loved him as a close friend. And I couldn't be mad at her if she still would have feelings for him since he was a handsome guy. I often saw Dave crying next to my grave, saw him smile while telling me about the upcoming marriage which already took place. Everyone else who came just said hello, looked for my grave or told me how Jake was doing. But I knew how he was. I always sat next to him, tried to comfort him while he was crying. And it almost always broke my heart, when he stood up, still having tears in his eyes. When he took my old shades and left. I never wanted him to leave while he was crying. I always talked to him. But he never heard me. Until now. Why now?
"I love you Jake" I whispered and he smiled.
"I love you too. I don't care if it's just my imagination right now, which is talking to me… But I don't think it is. It feels so real."
"And if I tell you I listen to you every day you pay a visit and I am sad when you leave and wait for you to come back?"
"I think I would believe you."
"Thank you." I smiled. My boyfriend believed me and I was just… it made me unbelievably happy. Ten years and still.
"Do you think, I'll be there soon? I mean… where you are?"
"I hope you are not. I want you to be alive and I am happy you made it for ten years. Never ever give up, chum. And believe me. You don't want to be here. It's unbelievable boring."
He chuckled softly and nodded.
"Sounds just like you." He whispered and rested his head on the big tombstone. "I really miss you."
"I know you do. I miss you, too."
Spent a lifetime of holding on just to let go
I guess I'll spend another lifetime
Searching for a new hope
He nodded lightly and yawned. He already sat here for hours, just talking and he wasn't aware of my presence. Since I talked to him he seemed different. I watched him for a short while.
"Why are you talking to me? Why just now? Why not years ago?"
"I don't know why I can just now. I never expected to be able to talk to you while you are still alive. I was watching you every day but you never realized I was there. So… well…" I just stopped, not finishing this sentence.
"Why did you do this? Why did you die?"
"I… I never wanted you to die. I wanted you to live on. So… I am sorry. I thought I'd make it out alive somehow. I never wanted to die without saying goodbye. But when I woke up, a few seconds before I died, you were asleep and it seemed like you were dreaming. I just heard you saying that you loved me. Then… I think my heart stopped."
"So you didn't talk to me? I thought you were talking to me. You said we'll meet again one day…"
"No. I didn't. I think you were just dreaming. Sorry. I really wanted to say goodbye."
"It's… I think it's okay. I am fine." A tear left his eye and it made me sad. "But I know that was, what you would have said anyways. So… I think it's alright, right?"
"Yeah. It is."
He looked at his watch.
"I… I've got to go. Do you… can you… are you still going to be here, when I come back?"
"I'll be here, as always. But I am not sure if you will be able to hear me again. But… I'll be here, and you know that."
He nodded, then left me behind next to my own tombstone. I sighed. Tomorrow. He'll be back tomorrow. Being dead sucks. Being dead for ten years felt like a lifetime. I was holding on to life, even though I was dead. I was holding on to my love for Jake. And I still loved him so much. But I'll wait for him. He promised me to stay alive as long as possible. And he told me to never find someone else. It made me glad and sad at the same time. But he moved on. And that was what made me happy. Like… really happy.
"A few more years. A few more centuries. He'll be here soon. And I will wait for him" I whispered and closed my eyes.
To your grave, I spoke
Holding a red, red rose
Gusts of freezing cold air
Whispers to me you're gone
JAKE'S POV
„Hey… I think… this will probably be the last time I can visit you here. I think… Well… I'll join you soon. Very soon. I am proud of myself. I made it. More than 50 years. Three days. I think we'll die at the same date. I've got to go to the hospital today. So… well. You know what that means. Goodbye. I brought you something. A last rose. A red again. Just… like always. You know. You haven't talked to me for years. I think the last time we talked… my 70th birthday. I enjoyed that day you know. I felt your kiss on my cheek. I know I say this every time I pay a visit but I miss it. I just wanted to say, that I'll be there in a few days. Just… a few more days. Wait for me, okay." Then I turned around and left the grave behind.
"I… I'll wait for you. I love you", I heard and turned around quickly. It seemed like I saw a shadow next to his grave. A shadow facing me. A shadow with pointy Anime-Shades. I smiled and waved. And saw him waving back. Then I made my way to the hospital. Just a few more days.
DAVE'S POV
I laid the rose down, orange just like his eyes were.
"Yo Bro. I don't know if you already know it but… I think Jake will die soon. Very soon. In a few hours probably. The others are with him. I came here alone. I just wanted to tell you. I think you miss him… and… I don't think you miss me… why would you… Anyways. You… you know I loved you even though I acted strange. I am sorry."
"I know you are", I heard his voice and I felt a hand on my cheek. "And I know you loved me. I loved you. I still love you. Thanks for telling me."
Tears spread over my cheeks and I nodded.
"So you are really here", I sniffled and felt his arms wrapping around my neck.
"I am. I always was. I just can't talk to you whenever I want."
I nodded. I understood. And being dead must be boring. Not being able to talk to someone, not being able to interact with someone.
"Why are you still here? It's been centuries." I held the red rose in my hand and spent the last time with my brother. I didn't want to go back to the hospital. I wasn't ready to lose my other brother as well. Jake became my brother over all these years. He was there for me, when Dirk used to be.
"I'll wait for Jake. And for you. And for the others as well. Then we will leave this world together. Don't you want to go back to the others?" He whispered and I looked at pesterchum as I heard the sound.
TT (Rose): He's gone. Died a few minutes ago. Are you coming?
TG (Dave): I'm coming. I'll be there in twenty minutes.
Then I put it away.
"He's dead. I think you already knew?"
Silence. The empty and cold branches of the trees around me were the only ones talking to me. Showing me that I was alone. Alone on this graveyard, next to my brothers tombstone.
"Well. Seems like time's over. Then I should probably leave. See you… hopefully."
I stood up and walked the paths of the graveyard to leave, wiping my tears away and cuddling into my scarf, not letting someone see my blushed cheeks.
Spent a lifetime of holding on just to let go
I guess I'll spend another lifetime
Searching for a new hope
JAKE'S POV
I sat next to my friends and walked along with Dave, up to my grave, where he left a little, red rose.
"Don't forget us. And wait for us. We all will follow soon. And say hello to Dirk. I missed him even more since I talked to him a few days ago. And... say hi to Roxy. I think Rose misses her too." He whispered and I nodded even though I knew he couldn't see me right now. I was just a ghost. A ghost which is holding on to life, waiting for his friends until someone grappled my hand.
"Finally. It took so long. Felt like a lifetime and I think it nearly was."
"Roxy. You died one year ago. It's not a lifetime" I laughed and she smiled. I hugged her. We all really missed her. We all did. Especially Rose.
"Why did Rose never pay a visit?" she asked all of a sudden, like she just read my mind.
"She… she couldn't. She wanted to, but she couldn't. It was too much for her. Way too much I think. But she never forgot you. And she…"
"I am sorry", I heard Rose and saw her next to Roxy's grave. "I really wanted to visit you… but… I am sorry, Mum. I feel so sorry I didn't. And I don't really get why. I just know I always turned around when I arrived at the graveyard."
Roxy smiled at me and I nodded, I understood, she wanted to go to talk to Rose, even though she knew her daughter wouldn't hear her. I looked around and saw my friends stand around my grave and I walked up to them, but all of a sudden someone grappled my wrist and turned me around.
Dirk's arms wrapped around me and my head was pressed against his chest. I took a deep breath even though we don't have to breathe. I smelled the long missing scent of my boyfriend and pulled a bit away from him, to stand on my tiptoes and press my lips against his. I felt his smile against my lips and smiled myself. It's been too long. Far too long.
"I missed you" we whispered and laughed silent and smiled at each other. We really did. My boyfriend held me tight, pressing me against his chest and I stayed silent. I never wanted to lose this feeling again. And I never wanted to lose him again. I appreciated his smell around me, his arms on my body.
Being dead wasn't quite different from being alive. The only difference was the fact that we didn't need to breathe. And that, even though all our friends were around, we could see them, but they will never see us, until they join us. And I knew that wouldn't take too long anymore.
"It felt like a lifetime." he whispered. "And it took me so long to wait. I always held on to life, for you. So often I was close to let go, but I never did. I always wanted to see you again and that was what held me here. I sometimes thought, I have to give up. That hope was lost. But it never was because you were there and I knew you would join me soon."
I looked at him, with tears in my eyes and smiled.
"I love you. I love and missed you so much."